Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does your OH hate when your mum comes round?

82 replies

moneymoneymoneybags · 22/02/2022 21:42

My mum lives on her own and only really has us up here and we will see her probably twice a week.

We are going for a private scan tomorrow so she will come and watch our kids, we do normally drop them at hers but we have more space and the kids have all there toys so I have said she can come here (which he doesn't want either)

He said she can come down half an hour before we leave, I said no I do want to see my mum aswell you know. Normally she will come down at around 11 and stay till dinner and I will drop her back.

But it's like every time I tell her come down he's in the background pulling faces or saying no not today.

If it was his mum that lived round the corner I couldn't give a crap I enjoy everyone's company especially on maternity leave!!

We've just got into a huge argument over it and I said I can't imagine other peoples husbands are like this and he seems to think they are.

Is it man thing? Or does he just need to get a life!

OP posts:
MRS54321 · 22/02/2022 22:15

Haha my DH complains about DM visiting and how she makes tea, and how she complains about the weather and worse, how she claims to be an early riser but doesn’t appear til 9am !! Wink
She is quite annoying, but amiable

He only has to endure her about twice a year, but it doesn’t stop him complaining
I just say “ I know. You tell me every time she leaves”

HIS DM we see every week. For a full weekend day. Doesn’t bother me at all. She’s very nice

LadyT27 · 22/02/2022 22:19

If my DP tried to stop my mum coming round without any good reason, he would be GONE! It’s twice a week, not like it’s everyday.

MrsWinters · 22/02/2022 22:20

When your mum is providing so much childcare he needs to suck it up. You can’t possibly have someone come and take care of your kids and tell them not to arrive to early because they are imposing on you.
He needs to learn to be a bit grateful

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 22:22

Is she round providing child care on every occasion she's round twice a week or just this occasion?

TicksallBoxes · 22/02/2022 22:24

I'm wondering if he's intimidated by your DM. Do you think he feels like he's 'partnered up', which is why he puts a lot of effort into her visits but also dreads them?

Graphista · 22/02/2022 22:24

My ex got along ok with my mum - who can be tricky - but he would not have been happy at her at ours pretty much the whole day twice a week! But then I wouldn't wanna see her that much either!

That is a bit much.

MANY mners would not want THEIR mil there that much/often tons of threads on this. It's no more fair to inflict an unwanted mil on a man as a woman imo

It matters not that you don't mind his mother coming over that much (which I notice you aren't having to deal with! You might feel differently if you did) it matters that he minds it's his home too

She's minding the kids this time but I'm guessing that's not always the case?

Alrightqueenie · 22/02/2022 22:24

Just remind him that in 20 - 30 yrs time his kids partners will be treating him the same way he treats your mum. Miserable, controlling sod and a cf, quite happy to take favours off people but not grateful in return.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 22/02/2022 22:25

I would say it depends if the inlaws were judgy. I can chat small talk forever with anyone, but would struggle if it was someone who I felt I had to stand on ceremony with - like your big boss sat in your living room for example.

dummyd · 22/02/2022 22:28

Everyone's having a go because they've read 'man' and 'childcare'. So he must be an ungrateful twat. LTB and all the rest. I'd never speak to him again🙄

Nobody wants to see that much of their in laws, and sometimes you just want to chill with no guests. Plenty of women feel the same as op's husband.

Not like the mum is being locked in a room forced to space away doing puzzles. She probably is enjoying spending time with her daughter and grandkids.

Fine, just not all day long. Could try switching so one day in her house.

Googlecanthelpme · 22/02/2022 22:29

If my DP attempted to dictate who could or couldn’t come into our house then we’d be having serious word about the future of our relationship.
She’s your mum, you do not expect him to sit and chat (although he chooses to) so what’s his fucking problem?

Our parents don’t stay around forever and you only have to look at the last two years and realise that people can disappear from our lives in an instant.

I know it sounds dramatic but if anything happened to your mum you’d resent your partner so much for making it so difficult for you to spend time with her. Even though he’s not stopping you, he’s making a big issue out of it.

Assuming I could crack on with my own life and not have to do the entertaining then I couldn’t care less if my MIL was here once, twice or more a week.

KittyWindbag · 22/02/2022 22:30

I would hate it if my mil was round from 11 until dinner time twice a week. I think that’s actually a lot.

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 22:34

@dummyd

Everyone's having a go because they've read 'man' and 'childcare'. So he must be an ungrateful twat. LTB and all the rest. I'd never speak to him again🙄

Nobody wants to see that much of their in laws, and sometimes you just want to chill with no guests. Plenty of women feel the same as op's husband.

Not like the mum is being locked in a room forced to space away doing puzzles. She probably is enjoying spending time with her daughter and grandkids.

Fine, just not all day long. Could try switching so one day in her house.

Exactly! And decided that he's taking advantage (just him not the children's mother too!) And is a cheeky sod!
LuluBlakey1 · 22/02/2022 22:36

DH was lovely with my mam. My parents were much older than his, about 25 years and had me very late, as an only child. PIL had DH and SIL in their early 20s. My dad had died when I met DH and my mam was in her late 70s. He was great with her- loved her sense of humour and liveliness, teased her, treated her with care and respect and never showed anything but pleasure at her company. When her health failed, he drove 40 miles twice a week after work to make sure she had a bit of company, a proper tea and did any bits and pieces round the house for her. He went across to the hospital on nights when I was stuck at work. He always made her laugh and she loved him to bits. He was very upset when she died. When he drives me mad at times, I remember everything he did for her and cut him a bit of slack 😁

TuscanApothecary · 22/02/2022 22:38

Maybe you need to tell him he can still do his own thing when she's round and he doesn't have to sit and chat to her for hours.

NameChangeNymph · 22/02/2022 22:39

@LuluBlakey1

DH was lovely with my mam. My parents were much older than his, about 25 years and had me very late, as an only child. PIL had DH and SIL in their early 20s. My dad had died when I met DH and my mam was in her late 70s. He was great with her- loved her sense of humour and liveliness, teased her, treated her with care and respect and never showed anything but pleasure at her company. When her health failed, he drove 40 miles twice a week after work to make sure she had a bit of company, a proper tea and did any bits and pieces round the house for her. He went across to the hospital on nights when I was stuck at work. He always made her laugh and she loved him to bits. He was very upset when she died. When he drives me mad at times, I remember everything he did for her and cut him a bit of slack 😁
He sounds like a diamond ❤️
Arnia · 22/02/2022 22:45

My husband loves when my mum comes to stay because:

A. It makes me happy

B. He likes her
C. She's brilliant with our DC and he likes to encourage their relationship as his own mother sadly passed away from they were born

Your husband is being horrible and no it's not at all normal - the only men I know who act like this are quite frankly controlling and/or abusive to their wives. Even if he didn't enjoy her coming (and I do get that people can find visitors draining etc.) he shut put up and shut up for your sake. My DH has an aunt who always over stays her welcome and is EXHAUSTING to host and never lets you get a word in. I secretly despair when she arrives but I would never try to make him stop it. Family is too important.

PrinnyPree · 22/02/2022 23:06

My Mum comes round nearly every other day to see me and my 21 month old son, my husband is absolutley fine with her being round although alot of the time he is WFH in the office, she'll invite us round for Sunday dinner every other weekend too. I would be royally pissed if my husband disrespected my Mum like yours has by face pulling and carrying on, I would not tolerate that shit. I also love my in laws. (My Dad and my husband's Mum passed away during the last 3 years so we only have one parent each still with us)

If his issue is that he hasn't got the spoons to play host so often (which is fair enough) can he make him self scarce so you and your kids can enjoy her visit alone? He's being really unreasonable if he doesn't like you going out with her either (but then inexplicably comes along and then complains about it)

LuluBlakey1 · 22/02/2022 23:37

@NameChangeNymph In some ways 😁

MrsSugar · 22/02/2022 23:38

He doesn’t hate it but my mum is loud and my DH is very quiet so sometimes he cba with the noise but that’s not solely just with my mum !

Kite22 · 22/02/2022 23:45

Well no, but then my Mum wouldn't dream of staying 8 hours Hmm

If she is local, I feel that is WAY over staying, so I have sympathy with your OH in truth. I get on well enough with my MiL but wouldn't want her sitting in my house from morning til evening 2 x a week Shock

Thisisyourvaginatalking · 23/02/2022 00:16

Dh hates my dad but I don't blame him tbh. No mum. Dh's mum is ok but lives far away. Neither of us are that interested in relatives full stop. They're generally a pain in the arse.

dummyd · 23/02/2022 07:16

@MichelleScarn

So he should say don't come and see the kids so as not to ' take advantage'... yes, I'm sure that'll go down better. She's not even his own mother, she's his MIL. And she likes her grandchildren presumably, but it's not necessary to stay all day, every time.

Classicblunder · 23/02/2022 07:24

Twice a week is a lot! I wouldn't want anyone visiting us that frequently.

The other thing I noticed about your OP is that it sounds like you invite her over without discussing it with your DH first? I think it's normal to check with your spouse before you invite someone round - I would hate it if my DH did what you're doing

newnameforthis76 · 23/02/2022 07:32

I wouldn’t want anyone coming round for two full days every week, to be honest.

OinkyO · 23/02/2022 07:33

No because my mum is lovely