WIBU to have prevented my DC having to (temporarily) share their home with 5 children they don't know?

[LazyMareofEastown]

A few weeks have passed since this happened and I'm just reflecting. It's long and complicated so will try and keep it factual.

I co-parent my DC with their dad. All amicable. He lives a few mins away from me and we do things 50/50 with flexibility on both sides.

We both have partners. I don't live with my DP. EXH lives with his partner. Neither me nor ex have gone on to have any more DC and his partner (will call her B for convenience) doesn't have any. She's a nice enough person and adores my kids.

B's sister lives 1.5 hours away and has a very chaotic lifestyle. Sister has 6 kids (aged from 19 to 8). 4 or 5 different dads, none of whom are involved. She's had intense input from Child Services and the younger kids are on a Care Protection Plan. Between them, the kids have a variety of health conditions, behavioural issues and mental health problems (self harm, gender dysphoria). One has suspected autism but has never been diagnosed as mum doesn't take him to appts. The two youngest (8 and 9) display incredibly challenging (often hypersexualised) behaviour and my two DC have found being around them very difficult in the past on visits to where these kids live. My DS has told me he doesn't like going there.

For added context I work in a job that heavily incorporates safeguarding and have good knowledge of how social services operate.

To get to the point. A HV was done by the police a few weeks ago. Police called SS due to the state of the house and the kids were temporarily removed from the house while mum was questioned re: neglect.

B offered to have 5 of the 6 kids come to stay in her and my EX's house. The house is a small 3 bed with the only spare bed being my 13 year old DD's other bunkbed. DS (7) has a tiny box room (so small they had to buy a non-standard bed).

Ex rang me to ask what I thought. I told him that if this went ahead, I'd be keeping our DC at mine until these other kids went back home. Simply put, I had genuine safeguarding concerns for my DC if this were to go ahead not to mention the obvious overcrowding issue. Obviously they didn't need my consent but Ex was on the same page as me - he just didn't want to upset his partner.

They went back to SWs (I even spoke to the main SW on phone - she tried to guilt trip me into agreeing) and said that I had said it was a definite no.

As I had predicted would happen, SS suddenly came up with a new plan and found a house in the kids home area where B could stay with the kids until they went back to their mum (a few days later - house had been cleaned sufficiently for SS to be happy with this).

Ex told me he was relieved that I had said no as he knew B's suggestion was not a good one (albeit an understandable emotional reaction to the situation). He thanked me for being rational and clear.

B is now being super frosty with me. I'm not massively bothered by this as we're not mates and my kids safety will always be something I'm taking zero chances with but I'm just wondering how it looks to an impartial observer.

Biblical length, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

I suspect B’s response might have more to do with a touch of jealousy and insecurity than with a difference of opinion. When the chips were down, her partner sided with you. Obviously this doesn’t mean anything apart from your decision was objectively the correct one- but it’s still something that probably hit her quite hard emotionally.

i think B and your EXs relationship is now on the rocks - which is sad for all concerned when ultimately B was doing the right thing by stepping up for her family.

Sad situation all round and no right or wrong answers but I feel for B - who must feel very unsupported by her DP right now.

I am however expressing the view that the OP has overstepped and effectively prevented someone from helping their sister and her nephews and nieces in what must have been an awful situation.

Don't be ridiculous @@cansu
OP's actions ensured that help was received from the correct channels, rather than being dumped on a family without the experience or safeguarding awareness to handle the situation.

Your decision was entirely reasonable, OP. Your youngest already said they didn't feel comfortable around the other children. I wouldn't expect to send any child to sleep in a house where they would feel uncomfortable, or unsafe.

"i think B and your EXs relationship is now on the rocks - which is sad for all concerned when ultimately B was doing the right thing by stepping up for her family.

Sad situation all round and no right or wrong answers but I feel for B - who must feel very unsupported by her DP right now."

Well this is just made up bollocks. How would you have any inkling whatsoever as to the status of my ex's relationship? Don't be so ridiculous 🤣

For those moaning that all B wanted to do was help her family and that I prevented that. She DID help her family, just not in her own house. I don't get why that's so hard to grasp for some MNers 🤯.

The only thing I prevented is my own DC being exposed to the consequences of someone else's shitty parenting and I would do exactly the same thing again every single time.

B was obviously being supportive (and really was their for family, very commendable) the situation was the best one. Difficult for B as obviously support from partner would have helped BUT totally right for ALL the children involved to have full focus of adults involved AND the needed space. I think it was the best for the children in very challenging situation and the adults made the right safeguarding calls. B might not see it that way,but may on reflection. The children being in too small a space and then potentially having other children who are more at home in that space would be too much!

I think you did exactly the right thing OP.

They sound like they have mostly or possibly all been sexually abused. Trauma can mirror ASC in some children, in others it shows up us hyper sexual behaviour, other mental health issues, and sometimes as gender dysphoria.