WIBU to have prevented my DC having to (temporarily) share their home with 5 children they don't know?

[LazyMareofEastown]

A few weeks have passed since this happened and I'm just reflecting. It's long and complicated so will try and keep it factual.

I co-parent my DC with their dad. All amicable. He lives a few mins away from me and we do things 50/50 with flexibility on both sides.

We both have partners. I don't live with my DP. EXH lives with his partner. Neither me nor ex have gone on to have any more DC and his partner (will call her B for convenience) doesn't have any. She's a nice enough person and adores my kids.

B's sister lives 1.5 hours away and has a very chaotic lifestyle. Sister has 6 kids (aged from 19 to 8). 4 or 5 different dads, none of whom are involved. She's had intense input from Child Services and the younger kids are on a Care Protection Plan. Between them, the kids have a variety of health conditions, behavioural issues and mental health problems (self harm, gender dysphoria). One has suspected autism but has never been diagnosed as mum doesn't take him to appts. The two youngest (8 and 9) display incredibly challenging (often hypersexualised) behaviour and my two DC have found being around them very difficult in the past on visits to where these kids live. My DS has told me he doesn't like going there.

For added context I work in a job that heavily incorporates safeguarding and have good knowledge of how social services operate.

To get to the point. A HV was done by the police a few weeks ago. Police called SS due to the state of the house and the kids were temporarily removed from the house while mum was questioned re: neglect.

B offered to have 5 of the 6 kids come to stay in her and my EX's house. The house is a small 3 bed with the only spare bed being my 13 year old DD's other bunkbed. DS (7) has a tiny box room (so small they had to buy a non-standard bed).

Ex rang me to ask what I thought. I told him that if this went ahead, I'd be keeping our DC at mine until these other kids went back home. Simply put, I had genuine safeguarding concerns for my DC if this were to go ahead not to mention the obvious overcrowding issue. Obviously they didn't need my consent but Ex was on the same page as me - he just didn't want to upset his partner.

They went back to SWs (I even spoke to the main SW on phone - she tried to guilt trip me into agreeing) and said that I had said it was a definite no.

As I had predicted would happen, SS suddenly came up with a new plan and found a house in the kids home area where B could stay with the kids until they went back to their mum (a few days later - house had been cleaned sufficiently for SS to be happy with this).

Ex told me he was relieved that I had said no as he knew B's suggestion was not a good one (albeit an understandable emotional reaction to the situation). He thanked me for being rational and clear.

B is now being super frosty with me. I'm not massively bothered by this as we're not mates and my kids safety will always be something I'm taking zero chances with but I'm just wondering how it looks to an impartial observer.

Biblical length, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

You did the right thing but I can understand how she feels when she has done so much for your kids. Very unfortunate.

I agree with the decision regarding your kids.

I don't agree that putting potentially outing, and definitely sensitive information about a family that is nothing to do with you is very wise. You could have summarised it and still got answers about your dc.

@cansu

I think you were wrong. It was only going to be short term and was a genuine emergency. I am sure your ex partner has been put out by your kids and gone beyond what she has to on occasion. You could have spoken up after a few days if needs be. I am not surprised she is unhappy. I hope you never need a favour from her on the future.

The OP has said these poor kids “have a variety of health conditions, behavioural issues and mental health problems (self harm, gender dysphoria). One has suspected autism but has never been diagnosed as mum doesn't take him to appts. The two youngest (8 and 9) display incredibly challenging (often hypersexualised) behaviour”

So you would be happy for your DC to go into a situation like this, with all these issues as well as significant overcrowding (7 children in 2 rooms, one not even big enough for a single bed), and even when the DC have already said they find it difficult and one has actually said he doesn’t even want to visiting?? Honestly, you ACTUALLY think the OP is being unfair??

The OPs priority is her own DC. She wants her DCs to be kept safe and happy, but that wouldn’t matter to you, you would just send your DCs into this situation anyway? Seriously?

I also work in a field with close ties to children's safeguarding. Those who don't are unlikely to understand why you did what you did.

I work nowhere near the field of safeguarding. I understood it. It isn't exactly rocket science.

I'm struggling to understand why she's frosty with you? You didn't stop her from looking after her nieces and nephew. You just said, rightly, that your dc wouldn't be staying there if they were.

You 100% made the right decision. Not sure why SW even rang you or that you became involved. Also don't understand why SS put dc back with mum once house was clean. Usually when dc are removed temporarily for cases like this they are looked after for 3 months onnsection 20 and have health, school assessments ect to see if dc are doing better looked after by Foster carers/family before a decision to go to court for full care order.

B being frosty is neither here nor there. Your priority is your children and you and your ex were aligned in thinking what was best for your children.
And the fact a house was magically found for them once you refused just underlines how silly she is to be frosty.
She'll get over it.

I really feel for the kids but I wouldn’t want my own children anywhere near them at this point either.

It’s probably best your ex keeps out of it for the time being and lets B deal with them for now.

Things may settle down.

I think she’s cross with the wrong person. You said if her DN’s moved in then your DC wouldn’t go and stay, which is fair enough, 7 people in a 3 bed house is bad enough, never mind 9, and that’s without considering their behaviours. Your ex could have said that he would see his DC away from the home for that period, but didn’t offer that as an option because he didn’t actually want her DNs to move in anyway. Guess it’s easier to be mad at you than her own partner though… I’m also surprised that SS would be ok with placing 5 kids where they’d have to share a bedroom and a box room with 2 others, just to keep them with a family member, really can’t see how they would all have fit!

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were shielding your children from a multitude of issues, the major one being the 2 hypersexulised children, which often means they have witnessed or been a victim of sexual abuse themselves. You did the right thing in keeping your children away from that, who knows what could have happened. I do feel desperately sorry for the kids who were in that situation but your number one priority is your own kids.

You did absolutely 110% right.

And those other kids were fine and had a place to stay.

All fine.

@LazyMareofEastown

Sweet

"Well your ex is a genius anyway. He knew you'd say no so now you're the bad guy and he didn't have to do what he didn't want to."

This is exactly what my DP said. Tbh I don't mind being the bad guy if it takes the heat off Ex. I have no horse in that race.

Ex knew he didn't need my consent but he also told me he wouldn't make a decision that would impact on our kids that I was dead against. Nor would I if the roles were reversed. We are friends and repsect each other's opinion and input.

Bit side of topic but I love the way you two are co-parenting.

B is now being super frosty with me. I'm not massively bothered by this as we're not mates and my kids safety will always be something I'm taking zero chances with but I'm just wondering how it looks to an impartial observer.

B is being partisan because she feels judged by proxy for her sister.
B is also being a silly bitch. What kind of parent would willingly expose their DC to hypersexualised acting out from another family of troubled DC's?
B not being a parent herself is no excuse.

Well done for standing up for your kids OP & for showing their dad the way. He just didn't want to have to say NO to B. Although he should have - flat out, & hang the consequences.
B's frostiness is no skin off your nose btw. You can just quietly congratulate yourself for doing the right thing - it's her own problem that she didn't like it.

@cansu

I think you were wrong. It was only going to be short term and was a genuine emergency. I am sure your ex partner has been put out by your kids and gone beyond what she has to on occasion. You could have spoken up after a few days if needs be. I am not surprised she is unhappy. I hope you never need a favour from her on the future.

OK @cansu Let's find you a chaotic family of neglected kids who have behavioural difficulties & MH issues & bring them round to yours to play with your kids.

You won't mind their self-harming & hypersexualised behaviour around your DC, will you? After all - you might need a favour from their aunt one day - it's a small price for your kids to pay.

OP you were 100% right. Ignore @cansu, she's just trying to get a riss out of you.

Probably wouldn’t mind if they were nice kids who didn’t have to share a bedroom with my DC. Wouldn’t be happy with the troubled children you mentioned and definitely wouldn’t be happy with them sharing a room. Definite obvious safeguarding concerns and you were right to point them out. Sounds like it all worked out in the end though so no worries.

Sounds perfectly handled OP. Your ex’s partner will continue to be frosty with you, but you and your ex have kept your children safe in a tricky situation.
Hopefully all the kids involved get the support they need and a safe stable living situation sorted.

Chargingbuck I have two children with severe asd one of whom also has epilepsy and challenging behaviour. I am consequently very well aware what it takes to look after kids with issues. I am not trying to get a rise out of anyone either. I am however expressing the view that the OP has overstepped and effectively prevented someone from helping their sister and her nephews and nieces in what must have been an awful situation. Since when has it been the wrong thing to express an opposing point of view.

Of course you can express whatever viewpoint you wish cansu but in this instance I'll go with the 97% majority who think I handled the situation correctly.

🙂

Excellent parenting from you and the DC’s father. B clearly has different boundaries and experiences - due to her sister’s situation perhaps - but these are not her DC and she needs to understand that.

Great. Glad you feel you were right.

OP i think you and your DP did exactly the right thing. It keeps your children safe, it got B's nieces/nephews back in a cleaner home relatively quickly and since you are not bothered about what B thinks about you, together with your knowledge of SS it worked out very well.

In your shoes I'd have been worried about the safeguarding and that it wouldn't be a couple of days. I don't know how SS works but I'm going to assume that it was some sort of private rental and SS got the kids home quickly as it would be eating into their budget.

Maybe in time B will understand why you did what you did, can it be she doesn't really think her sister's children aren't "that bad"?

You did the right thing. Anyone who has worked in this area would see the red flags and agree with you

OP didn’t prevent anyone from doing anything. Her ex could have said yes we’ll have them, I’ll see my kids at my ex’s house while this is going on. (I’m also unsure why the SW called OP though)

B can’t express her anger at the situation, her sister having failed to look after her own children, her mother for being unable/unwilling to look after her grandchildren temporarily, her own failure to look after her nieces and nephews at her mother’s home, so her anger is directed at the only person who has no responsibility to these children, and is the only one not actually related to them.

OP you did fine 👍.

Excellent parenting op thank goodness you made the decision you did. God only knows what your children would have been exposed to, I think you were 100 percent correct.

OP has overstepped and effectively prevented someone from helping their sister and her nephews and nieces in what must have been an awful situation

But @cansu B was still able to help- as I understand it, she went temporarily to the emergency housing arranged for the children, and cared for them there.

Far better than bringing 5 disturbed and upset and damaged DC to a 2 bedroom house away from their own local area.

B has been a great sister to do this. And @LazyMareofEastown did not stop B from caring for her nephews and nieces. Just sensibly kept her own DV away from a stressful situation. It would hardly have been good for 5 traumatised children to be sent somewhere away from home and have to be in close quarters with other DC they don’t know very well, in stressfully crowded living quarters.