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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to have prevented my DC having to (temporarily) share their home with 5 children they don't know?

108 replies

LazyMareofEastown · 22/02/2022 19:21

A few weeks have passed since this happened and I'm just reflecting. It's long and complicated so will try and keep it factual.

I co-parent my DC with their dad. All amicable. He lives a few mins away from me and we do things 50/50 with flexibility on both sides.

We both have partners. I don't live with my DP. EXH lives with his partner. Neither me nor ex have gone on to have any more DC and his partner (will call her B for convenience) doesn't have any. She's a nice enough person and adores my kids.

B's sister lives 1.5 hours away and has a very chaotic lifestyle. Sister has 6 kids (aged from 19 to 8). 4 or 5 different dads, none of whom are involved. She's had intense input from Child Services and the younger kids are on a Care Protection Plan. Between them, the kids have a variety of health conditions, behavioural issues and mental health problems (self harm, gender dysphoria). One has suspected autism but has never been diagnosed as mum doesn't take him to appts. The two youngest (8 and 9) display incredibly challenging (often hypersexualised) behaviour and my two DC have found being around them very difficult in the past on visits to where these kids live. My DS has told me he doesn't like going there.

For added context I work in a job that heavily incorporates safeguarding and have good knowledge of how social services operate.

To get to the point. A HV was done by the police a few weeks ago. Police called SS due to the state of the house and the kids were temporarily removed from the house while mum was questioned re: neglect.

B offered to have 5 of the 6 kids come to stay in her and my EX's house. The house is a small 3 bed with the only spare bed being my 13 year old DD's other bunkbed. DS (7) has a tiny box room (so small they had to buy a non-standard bed).

Ex rang me to ask what I thought. I told him that if this went ahead, I'd be keeping our DC at mine until these other kids went back home. Simply put, I had genuine safeguarding concerns for my DC if this were to go ahead not to mention the obvious overcrowding issue. Obviously they didn't need my consent but Ex was on the same page as me - he just didn't want to upset his partner.

They went back to SWs (I even spoke to the main SW on phone - she tried to guilt trip me into agreeing) and said that I had said it was a definite no.

As I had predicted would happen, SS suddenly came up with a new plan and found a house in the kids home area where B could stay with the kids until they went back to their mum (a few days later - house had been cleaned sufficiently for SS to be happy with this).

Ex told me he was relieved that I had said no as he knew B's suggestion was not a good one (albeit an understandable emotional reaction to the situation). He thanked me for being rational and clear.

B is now being super frosty with me. I'm not massively bothered by this as we're not mates and my kids safety will always be something I'm taking zero chances with but I'm just wondering how it looks to an impartial observer.

Biblical length, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

OP posts:
AppleButter · 22/02/2022 19:52

YANBU and no reason for B to be frosty. You have to put your kids first, you didn’t cause any harm to the troubled kids, who, if staying with B and ExH, will need all the attention and care that they can get. You were sensible, and it is very fortunate that ExH is understanding and also out your kids’ welfare ahead.
Do repeat again if necessary. It is better for everyone that way.

TheSpottedZebra · 22/02/2022 19:54

@TwiceAsNice22

I think you made the right call for all the reasons you outlined. Your priority is your children's safety. I can see why your ex’s partner is frosty though. From her point of view she will see her nephews and nieces as victims of abuse, not as a potential risk to your children. And she probably felt desperate to help them in anyway she could. I think your ex was happy for you to take the blame, rather than tell his partner that he agreed with you.
This. Also, she probably felt you overstepped the mark somewhat with your calling the SW.
SasquatchYeti · 22/02/2022 19:56

@cansu

I think you were wrong. It was only going to be short term and was a genuine emergency. I am sure your ex partner has been put out by your kids and gone beyond what she has to on occasion. You could have spoken up after a few days if needs be. I am not surprised she is unhappy. I hope you never need a favour from her on the future.
I agree with this.

You could’ve kept your children at home for those few days whilst children who are in such a bad situation stayed with their aunt in her house.
Going forward, she could’ve have had the children to say when times aren’t there. The children need someone else because their mum is clearly struggling.

Original poster
LazyMareofEastown · 22/02/2022 19:56

Zebra I didn't call the SW. I told Ex that I would be happy to speak to SS if they thought it would be helpful (Both Ex and B very flustered about the plan and no idea about SS and how they work) and for him to pass on my number if so.

He did this with B's consent and the SW rang me.

OP posts:
titchy · 22/02/2022 20:01

You could’ve kept your children at home for those few days whilst children who are in such a bad situation stayed with their aunt in her house.

ConfusedWhich is what she said she'd do. Not sure why B didn't have them in her house given that your kids weren't going to be there, but certainly better that the poor kids were kept in their own area and school.

Original poster
LazyMareofEastown · 22/02/2022 20:03

"You could’ve kept your children at home for those few days whilst children who are in such a bad situation stayed with their aunt in her house".

As per my OP, I did offer this (even though it was my free weekend and DP had made us non-refundable plans costing £££) if there was truly no other choice. DP wasn't prepared to disrupt our DCs routine and to potentially not see them for an unknown period.

"The children need someone else because their mum is clearly struggling."

They ended up with their auntie in a house in their home town and could all go to school/college on the Mon morning and retain some semblance of normality. This wouldn't have been the case if they were 1.5 hours away.

OP posts:
mouse70 · 22/02/2022 20:04

I can not understand why Social Worker was talking to you at all. Completely out of order involving you in something they should be sorting out. I do agree that you did the right thing in saying no to situation and would have been justified in keeping your children with you if the unfortunate children had been housed with ExH and B

Dithercats · 22/02/2022 20:05

Your ex made you look like the bad guy.
You were foolish to have let it look like you alone were saying no, when in fact he wanted to say no too.

TheSpottedZebra · 22/02/2022 20:06

@LazyMareofEastown

Zebra I didn't call the SW. I told Ex that I would be happy to speak to SS if they thought it would be helpful (Both Ex and B very flustered about the plan and no idea about SS and how they work) and for him to pass on my number if so.

He did this with B's consent and the SW rang me.

Oh, my apologies!

She's probably just devastated atbthe situation and wanted to help. And she feels that you stopped that. Which we all would, but then we'd probably all be miffed in B's shoes too.

I think you just need to accept it.

Viviennemary · 22/02/2022 20:09

Looks like you made the right decision to say no.

Nailsbythesea · 22/02/2022 20:10

@Leeds2

Sounds like your Ex didn't want the children to stay either, but wanted you to say "no" so that the blame could be laid at your door.
This. But as you say if you are aware of why he did it and I can understand the sheer emotional pressure on your ex to take the children with B.
Bdhntbis · 22/02/2022 20:15

Honestly if the children had come to your ex’s house they’d still be there as there would be no rush to have got things sorted and I wouldn’t have been wanting my DC in that environment; I can see why B is frosty because it didn’t really suit her to not be in her own house but that’s not your problem and your children are your priority

Original poster
LazyMareofEastown · 22/02/2022 20:20

Nails

"This. But as you say if you are aware of why he did it and I can understand the sheer emotional pressure on your ex to take the children with B."

He's been under huge stress in general for the past few months and I was genuinely worried that he was getting close to some sort of breaking point. He loves B and obviously wanted to support her but he could see it just wasn't viable. Me being the mean old witch saying no made his life slightly easier at no expense to me.

Bdhntbis

"Honestly if the children had come to your ex’s house they’d still be there as there would be no rush to have got things sorted and I wouldn’t have been wanting my DC in that environment".

Yep, this was precisely my fear.

OP posts:
Alip1965 · 22/02/2022 20:26

You are absolutely right... childrens safety come first. If the lady cant/won't look after her own she cant/won't look after yours. Also your child will be exposed to behaviour that is not their usual experience for a prolonged period of time with no way out and no safety net.

So absolutely no. Tell the frosty cow to wind her neck in ... x

SaltySocks · 22/02/2022 20:37

@LazyMareofEastown

Sweet

"Well your ex is a genius anyway. He knew you'd say no so now you're the bad guy and he didn't have to do what he didn't want to."

This is exactly what my DP said. Tbh I don't mind being the bad guy if it takes the heat off Ex. I have no horse in that race.

Ex knew he didn't need my consent but he also told me he wouldn't make a decision that would impact on our kids that I was dead against. Nor would I if the roles were reversed. We are friends and repsect each other's opinion and input.

I think you made the right call and I also think that your attitude towards your ex is very healthy and mature!! Flowers
Zilla1 · 22/02/2022 20:44

It sounds like you had genuine safeguarding concerns rather than being difficult with your ex's new DP for jollies so, in the circumstances you had no alternative. If the hyper-sexualised behaviour or other concerns had led to harm to your DC, how could you have justified taking that known risk so that their DSM's nieces and nephews could have a temporary home when their nieces and nephews' own DGM didn't want to and SS could have found a suitable home when that became the path of least resistance?

On the face of it, good for you. If B articulated hew unhappiness then it sounds like you have an incontrovertible basis for your decisions.

PrincessPaws · 22/02/2022 20:52

There is zero chance I would have agreed if I were you.

You didn't say that B couldn't have her nieces and nephews there, just that yours wouldn't be there while they were.

It was only a short term thing, so your ex would have had to suck up not having your kids there and make other arrangements to see them that week, I certainly wouldn't have forced your kids into an uncomfortable situation that they didn't want to be in

Insidelaurashead · 22/02/2022 21:00

I think you did the right thing and it would have only been unreasonable if you'd said 'well exp you're not seeing the kids if that happens' rather than, I assume, saying that they'd stay at yours (and presumably he could take them out for a few hours instead?)

OinkyO · 22/02/2022 21:03

Obviously they didn't need my consent but Ex was on the same page as me - he just didn't want to upset his partner. so what was the point of him asking you?! Just so he could blame you and take the heat off himself. If he can't make the best call for your kids without having you to blame I would reconsider your arrangement with him and go for full custody.

OinkyO · 22/02/2022 21:06

You did the right thing but it should be irrelevant as their father who aparantly agreed with you didn't need your permission to say no!

Lalliella · 22/02/2022 21:07

I don’t really understand this. You didn’t stop B from having the children to stay so I don’t see why she’s being frosty with you. YWDNBU

OinkyO · 22/02/2022 21:08

@Lalliella

I don’t really understand this. You didn’t stop B from having the children to stay so I don’t see why she’s being frosty with you. YWDNBU
I think the ex has been bigging up OP's part and saying oh I would have had them but OP said no. That's my guess anyway.
bellac11 · 22/02/2022 21:09

@YoComoManzanas

I don't get why sw asked you anything? You said your kids would stay at yours while the 5xkids were at ease.That is fine and would surely help B out? I cant imagine she would have wanted to look after 7 kids.
I was just going to say this, the SW wouldnt have needed to speak to OP. The decision rested with B as to whether she would accommodate her nieces and nephews into her home. The ex obviously has a say because he might have said no, because that means my children cant come here but its not for OP to have a view about someone elses house as she had already decided (wisely) that her children wouldnt visit until the other children were gone.

Id love to know what area of the country this is as well as a SSD finding accommodation for someone that already has accommodation (albeit overcrowded) in order to take someone elses children in is something that has never happened where I have worked in over 20 years.

Original poster
LazyMareofEastown · 22/02/2022 21:10

Oinky

" I would reconsider your arrangement with him and go for full custody."

Don't be ridiculous. He's a great dad. We've been in each others lives for 21 years. We're successfully raising our kids together. We've never had to involve any kind of legal advice or court orders. Why would I ruin all that just because he's more of a people pleaser and less informed and forthright than me?

As I've said repeatedly I have zero issue whatsoever with B harbouring resentment towards me. We're not mates. She would never raise any grievance with me because I think she's mildly terrified of me tbh 🤣.

OP posts:
OinkyO · 22/02/2022 21:12

LazyMareofEastown because he can't make a decision in the best interest of your child without having you to blame for it. That's not on. It should be a straight out no, not a no because you say so.