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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money and Inlaws

65 replies

Lif425 · 22/02/2022 19:12

I’m really angry right now and I cannot give full details as will be outing. There is a life changing thing that we are considering but It could cost tens of thousands of pounds potentially. I’m under so much stress thinking about it and having sleepless nights which doesn’t help the thing actually be successful if we go for it as I’m under so much pressure.

So today DH dropped into conversation that he was chatting to his parents over the weekend and they offered to pay for all of it but he said no as we can manage! I’m absolutely fuming as he himself has stressed me out about the cost. Just for context Inlaws are loaded, the amount we need will literally be small change for them. We have not asked in anyway and they freely offered themselves.

I know some people will say DH is proud but I don’t think so, I think it’s selfish that he is putting so much pressure on us when his parents could help out. We have a good relationship with Inlaws and visit them almost daily. My FIL has made it clear on many occasions that their money is our money as it will all come to us after they’ve gone as DH is only child. FIL also has told me many times his son is very proud and takes nothing off him. I really don’t think he’s proud and I hate hearing this. Why are we suffering when our dreams can literally come true with help from his parents.

My mum suggested I speak to Inlaws but I won’t be doing that as even though I get along with them I’m not their child and will feel off talking about money with them. Tables turned I would be speaking to my parents and wouldn’t expect my husband to talk to my parents. If my parents offered me the money I would gladly take it! But unfortunately they are not in position to offer any contribution.

There is no underlying reason or any hidden secrets, he just doesn’t want to take money off them. DH is a very difficult person to talk to. He goes along with things then at occasions stresses me that it’s too much money and can we really afford it. All in all will cost around £10-20k

OP posts:
3luckystars · 22/02/2022 19:15

Just ask him how he plans on paying for it and if it might be easier to get help from his parents. Give him time to think about it.
It wasn’t a once off offer, surely it will come up again. I think y of need to tell your husband how worried you are about money and sit down and have a proper conversation about money. All the best.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/02/2022 19:16

Tell him if he won't accept the ILs kind offer, you'll have to get a bank loan.

Original poster
Lif425 · 22/02/2022 19:18

@3luckystars

Just ask him how he plans on paying for it and if it might be easier to get help from his parents. Give him time to think about it. It wasn’t a once off offer, surely it will come up again. I think y of need to tell your husband how worried you are about money and sit down and have a proper conversation about money. All the best.
He told me we can afford it if I go back to work full time. I’m part time right now and took time off because of stress.
OP posts:
SandysMam · 22/02/2022 19:21

If it is IVF which I expect it is (you don’t have to answer!) then he is out of order. You have a limited time frame and need to seize the moment really. Tell him to go back to his parents, say he was shocked by the offer but that you would be very grateful to accept.

If it is a new kitchen or fancy car however then I am with your DH on this one and you should pay for it yourselves or go without.

saleorbouy · 22/02/2022 19:22

Why stress out, either you can or can't afford it!
It's up to your DH is he wants to accept the offer, he's obviously not comfortable and well aware of the implications. Why not have a conversation and discuss his ideas for funding the necessary thing.
It doesn't matter if PIL are loaded or not perhaps your DH feels uncomfortable borrowing or receiving money from them as a grown man.

Tigersonvaseline · 22/02/2022 19:35

Agree depends what it is

Shoxfordian · 22/02/2022 19:37

Is it something necessary or something you want? Talk to him again about it but he’s not unreasonable if he doesn’t want to borrow money from them

PeakyBlender · 22/02/2022 19:37

I would tell them you accept and tell him it's not up to him to decide for you. I'm guessing IVF too. Good luck.

Darbs76 · 22/02/2022 19:41

Agree if it’s IVF then he’s entirely unreasonable expecting you to return to work full time to pay when you’ve been under stress. As we all know that stress can play a part in the success of it. Couldn’t you just say to them I’d like to thank you for the kind offer, DH told me he refused it but he hadn’t discussed it with me so I’d like to just say thank you I really appreciate you thinking of us, but guess he is too proud. That then means they could raise it again as they know it’s not both of you against it. I’d certainly give this money to my child if that’s what it is and I have the cash to spare. I mean he’s going to get that money anyway one day as an only child, but might be too late by then

yoyo1234 · 22/02/2022 19:41

If it doesn't work out does he think he will feel worse if it is parents' money (even though they offered) than if it is yours?

MrsWinters · 22/02/2022 19:41

I think it depends what it is, particularly as you are working part-time. I’d be happier taking money if we were both working full time and doing everything we could to raise the money, less happy if we were working part time, or in a job satisfaction over earnings role- it then feels cheeky to take money from someone else

3luckystars · 22/02/2022 19:43

Asking you to go back to work full time when you are not able is not going to work.

Overthebow · 22/02/2022 19:44

Surely you should work full time before you take money from family? Sounds like you could afford it if you did.

FatCatSkinnyRat · 22/02/2022 19:47

My brother free-loads off my parents while his wife doesn't work. Good on your hubby for going under his own steam. You should be proud of him not accepting handouts. Sorry.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/02/2022 19:49

I understand your frustration / it will ultimately come down to if you can afford it and if you can’t then your husband weighs up not doing it

Looubylou · 22/02/2022 19:58

If it is IVF, I would speak to him again, and leave him in no doubt, how strongly you feel. If he still objects, I would reconsider my marriage. He must know that increasing your stress levels would be detrimental to success. I can't think of anything else that would make me feel that way though. It's hard to answer, without knowing what it is for.

redambergreengo · 22/02/2022 19:59

I would tell him you're not prepared to go back to work FT and compromise your health. If he wants it to go ahead suggest he saves or receives the offer from his DP.

Howshouldibehave · 22/02/2022 20:03

What is it? If it was a choice between my parents having to pay for it or me working full time, I would work.

You talk like you can’t really afford this thing. It’s not their responsibility to fork out for it so why not just not do it?

User112 · 22/02/2022 20:09

Unless it’s an operation or IVF, I’d say you are being unreasonable!

Work for it like everyone else !?

luxxlisbon · 22/02/2022 20:09

Is this his way of saying you working part time isn’t necessarily something he prefers? It’s easy to say it’s too stressful in your old FT job but that stress is now put on your DH as the main earner.

I understand where he is coming from if I’m honest. I don’t think I would want financial help from my parents if it was only needed because my partner worked part time, but that isn’t a universal view.

grapewine · 22/02/2022 20:11

Maybe he is aware of strings attached.

grapewine · 22/02/2022 20:12

Is this his way of saying you working part time isn’t necessarily something he prefers? It’s easy to say it’s too stressful in your old FT job but that stress is now put on your DH as the main earner.

Also this.

Associatepeggy · 22/02/2022 20:14

@redambergreengo

I would tell him you're not prepared to go back to work FT and compromise your health. If he wants it to go ahead suggest he saves or receives the offer from his DP.
Lots of people suffer from stress. But work full time, to afford the things the want/need.
Howshouldibehave · 22/02/2022 20:15

You had time off for stress but when was that? Are you in the same job? Does that mean you can never work full time again?

I think this entirely depends on what the money is for. If it’s for an extension, camper van or new car, then you really need to work more or go without.

If it’s for eg cancer treatment or IVF-then if your DH doesn’t want to ask his parents (his choice here), then you either need to work more or get a loan.

What is it? I don’t really think you are going to get any useful advice unless you say what it is. It’s hardly identifying-there are probably hundreds of people in the same boat.

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 20:15

@grapewine

Is this his way of saying you working part time isn’t necessarily something he prefers? It’s easy to say it’s too stressful in your old FT job but that stress is now put on your DH as the main earner.

Also this.

And if it is IVF is the dh maybe worried that this stress of being main earner will then always be on him?