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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Money and Inlaws

65 replies

Lif425 · 22/02/2022 19:12

I’m really angry right now and I cannot give full details as will be outing. There is a life changing thing that we are considering but It could cost tens of thousands of pounds potentially. I’m under so much stress thinking about it and having sleepless nights which doesn’t help the thing actually be successful if we go for it as I’m under so much pressure.

So today DH dropped into conversation that he was chatting to his parents over the weekend and they offered to pay for all of it but he said no as we can manage! I’m absolutely fuming as he himself has stressed me out about the cost. Just for context Inlaws are loaded, the amount we need will literally be small change for them. We have not asked in anyway and they freely offered themselves.

I know some people will say DH is proud but I don’t think so, I think it’s selfish that he is putting so much pressure on us when his parents could help out. We have a good relationship with Inlaws and visit them almost daily. My FIL has made it clear on many occasions that their money is our money as it will all come to us after they’ve gone as DH is only child. FIL also has told me many times his son is very proud and takes nothing off him. I really don’t think he’s proud and I hate hearing this. Why are we suffering when our dreams can literally come true with help from his parents.

My mum suggested I speak to Inlaws but I won’t be doing that as even though I get along with them I’m not their child and will feel off talking about money with them. Tables turned I would be speaking to my parents and wouldn’t expect my husband to talk to my parents. If my parents offered me the money I would gladly take it! But unfortunately they are not in position to offer any contribution.

There is no underlying reason or any hidden secrets, he just doesn’t want to take money off them. DH is a very difficult person to talk to. He goes along with things then at occasions stresses me that it’s too much money and can we really afford it. All in all will cost around £10-20k

OP posts:
Asdf12345 · 22/02/2022 20:16

To be honest I’m with your partner on this. Work for what you want.

yoyo1234 · 22/02/2022 20:17

I wouldn't feel cheeky taking it from parents just as in being a parent I would want to help my children out if I could ☺️

Didiusfalco · 22/02/2022 20:18

From his point of view is this coming from a perspective of ‘I can’t take money from my parents whilst my wife works part time?’. Not saying that’s right, but could it be how he feels?

DingDongDenny · 22/02/2022 20:20

If it is IVF then maybe they really want to help as it would mean they have a grandchild.

If it isn't apologies, must be annoying everyone suggesting it is

Snog · 22/02/2022 20:20

Money often comes with strings

mcdog · 22/02/2022 20:24

I think it depends what it is for. However, if you can't work full time for mental health reasons, I think it's a bit off that that is his suggestion.

Fairyliz · 22/02/2022 20:30

If it’s a thing, e.g. car, boat, new house then you need to work for it.
If it is IVF then I would accept money from in-laws. However I would question the wisdom of having a child with a man you can’t talk to at a time when you are already experiencing stress.

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 20:32

Or if its something more work related, like the purchase of a business or a franchise, would they see themselves as partners in it? (Just wanted to offer up something other than ivf!)

RedHelenB · 22/02/2022 20:35

@FatCatSkinnyRat

My brother free-loads off my parents while his wife doesn't work. Good on your hubby for going under his own steam. You should be proud of him not accepting handouts. Sorry.
This. His parents and if he doesn't want to take their money its his choice. If you really want this thing you have the option to work full time to pay for it
Howshouldibehave · 22/02/2022 20:44

@mcdog

I think it depends what it is for. However, if you can't work full time for mental health reasons, I think it's a bit off that that is his suggestion.
It would be useful if the OP clarified if this is the case.

She said she’d had time off with stress. Thousands of people have done this. It doesn’t mean they can’t work full time.

Does working full time whilst your DH works part time cause him a great deal of stress? I can imagine that it might.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/02/2022 21:12

The thing is that even though you don't think it's an explanation (and you've not offered what you think it is) he's clearly too proud to take it

Can you mention it to them?

MrBoPeep · 22/02/2022 21:16

Good on your husband.

grapewine · 22/02/2022 21:25

Can you mention it to them?

Seriously? The DH said no. They're his parents. She can not behind his back and be like, "actually, don't mind him, we'll take it."

That's not on.

peboh · 22/02/2022 21:28

There's no way I'd want to be thousands of pounds in debt with my own parents, let alone husbands. It doesn't matter wether they could comfortably afford it or not, I would be extremely put out.
I would expect my dh to say no, and he would.

They're his parents, he gets to say no. It's that simple.

peboh · 22/02/2022 21:30

@PeakyBlender

I would tell them you accept and tell him it's not up to him to decide for you. I'm guessing IVF too. Good luck.
Of course it's up for him to decide. It's HIS parents offering the money. He gets to say no.
ThisisMax · 22/02/2022 21:46

I understand exactly OP where you are coming from. My wifes family are very very wealthy, however you have both to realise that their money is actually yours and should be inherited. I have had to learn to be gracious and accepting of support and gifts that make my in laws life better because they see ours being better.

MichelleScarn · 22/02/2022 22:14

you have both to realise that their money is actually yours do you meant their money isnt yours?

HollowTalk · 22/02/2022 22:18

Is the reason you are off with stress to do with the same issue that you're talking about with your in-laws?

Howshouldibehave · 22/02/2022 22:21

you have both to realise that their money is actually yours

Can you explain this??

grapewine · 22/02/2022 22:25

@Howshouldibehave

you have both to realise that their money is actually yours

Can you explain this??

There must be a 'not' missing here - surely?
Nsky · 22/02/2022 22:26

If going to work full time is too much, tell him that, depends on what it is.
Personally I’d say yes

RosesAndHellebores · 22/02/2022 22:30

Not enough info op. Sorry.

Eucalyptusbee · 22/02/2022 22:31

Depends on what it is OP

mrsbyers · 22/02/2022 22:31

If it is IVF it doesn’t seem an ideal time if you are already suffering from stress - it is a very stressful experience

FairyCakeWings · 22/02/2022 22:33

So you want this very expensive thing but you don’t want to work full time, even if that meant you could pay for it yourself?

Yeah, your husband is right not to take money from his parents when you’re only working part time. Good for him for having some pride.

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