Money and Inlaws

[Lif425]

I’m really angry right now and I cannot give full details as will be outing. There is a life changing thing that we are considering but It could cost tens of thousands of pounds potentially. I’m under so much stress thinking about it and having sleepless nights which doesn’t help the thing actually be successful if we go for it as I’m under so much pressure.

So today DH dropped into conversation that he was chatting to his parents over the weekend and they offered to pay for all of it but he said no as we can manage! I’m absolutely fuming as he himself has stressed me out about the cost. Just for context Inlaws are loaded, the amount we need will literally be small change for them. We have not asked in anyway and they freely offered themselves.

I know some people will say DH is proud but I don’t think so, I think it’s selfish that he is putting so much pressure on us when his parents could help out. We have a good relationship with Inlaws and visit them almost daily. My FIL has made it clear on many occasions that their money is our money as it will all come to us after they’ve gone as DH is only child. FIL also has told me many times his son is very proud and takes nothing off him. I really don’t think he’s proud and I hate hearing this. Why are we suffering when our dreams can literally come true with help from his parents.

My mum suggested I speak to Inlaws but I won’t be doing that as even though I get along with them I’m not their child and will feel off talking about money with them. Tables turned I would be speaking to my parents and wouldn’t expect my husband to talk to my parents. If my parents offered me the money I would gladly take it! But unfortunately they are not in position to offer any contribution.

There is no underlying reason or any hidden secrets, he just doesn’t want to take money off them. DH is a very difficult person to talk to. He goes along with things then at occasions stresses me that it’s too much money and can we really afford it. All in all will cost around £10-20k

For anyone confused by you have both to realise that their money is actually yours
The OP's husband is an only child, his parents are wealthy. Most wealthy peiple have excess wealth and one of the key issues they face is succession planning or wealth management. This falls into two phases- gifts while alive and assets when they pass.
Right now they have offered to generously share their wealth, in the form of a gift, its not a huge outlay for them but would significantly change the OP's life. So they are correct in offering. At some point her husband will have to face reality around inheritance of wealth so he could start by being gracious of the kind gift being offered- otherwise get comfortable with the tax man getting it. My parents in law are practical and generous and we have learned to be thankful when this happens.

DH is a very difficult person to talk to.

Sort this out - with counselling - before you undertake anything that is a life-changing thing that will cost potentially tens of thousands.

Personally i agree with your husband. I have similar experiences with you. My in law also loaded my dh is their only child. They offered us money to put deposit on the house which we accept because i’m pregnant at that time and my in law said that money is for “gift” to my unborn baby at that time.

But it is a mistake. I feel they try to control me with that money and if they upset about something they will ‘remind’ us again and again about how they’ve been helping us.

I also think this sounds like IVF and contrary to others, I would say not to use other people's money for this.

There's no guarantee of success and the desire for just one more round can be all consuming. When do you stop?

This decision is so so hard to make as it is, but I'd hate the complication of someone else's money being involved and more layers of emotion layered on, guilt, weight of expectation, scrutiny, carrying someone else's hopes as well as your own.

How will they feel if you have five rounds (could be 30-40K) and still no baby? How might it affect your relationship?
What if you agree a set number and then want to go again?

I would get loans, do things your way on your terms, and then in a few years when you're out the other side, whatever the result, then raise the topic of financial assistance in paying down the loan.

You really need to resolve it with your DH and get to the bottom of his problem especially if it’s ivf….

If it is IVF- 100% take the money. Time is not your friend.

It is an incredibly stressful process for the women and trying to impress at a new job is the last thing you need. Your husband is honestly being a bit of a dick to turn this down…. Because having a child is expensive anyway forget chucking an extra 20k post tax on top to get the baby in the first place.

If it’s a trip around the world or a caravan mayyyybe your DH has a point?
although I am not sure really as I think life is for living and enjoying. Within our family we help each other emotionally and financially pretty freely (although never at the expense of meeting our own needs)
It sounds like your in laws can easily afford to help, love you both and want to… so why not?

@ThisisMax

For anyone confused by you have both to realise that their money is actually yours The OP's husband is an only child, his parents are wealthy. Most wealthy peiple have excess wealth and one of the key issues they face is succession planning or wealth management. This falls into two phases- gifts while alive and assets when they pass. Right now they have offered to generously share their wealth, in the form of a gift, its not a huge outlay for them but would significantly change the OP's life. So they are correct in offering. At some point her husband will have to face reality around inheritance of wealth so he could start by being gracious of the kind gift being offered- otherwise get comfortable with the tax man getting it. My parents in law are practical and generous and we have learned to be thankful when this happens.

At the moment the money isn't ops and her dh. For all we know the money may never be ops and her dh. Whilst they've offered the cash as a gift, that doesn't mean it's coming out of his inheritance. This is such a bad way to think about it. Like the money will be yours one day anyway, might as well take it now. Her husband has said no. She needs to respect that he isn't happy to take the money off his parents. It's that simple.

@ThisisMax

For anyone confused by you have both to realise that their money is actually yours The OP's husband is an only child, his parents are wealthy. Most wealthy peiple have excess wealth and one of the key issues they face is succession planning or wealth management. This falls into two phases- gifts while alive and assets when they pass. Right now they have offered to generously share their wealth, in the form of a gift, its not a huge outlay for them but would significantly change the OP's life. So they are correct in offering. At some point her husband will have to face reality around inheritance of wealth so he could start by being gracious of the kind gift being offered- otherwise get comfortable with the tax man getting it. My parents in law are practical and generous and we have learned to be thankful when this happens.

Of course it’s not the OPs. They could give it all to the cats home if they wanted.

In my experience wealthy people are well set up with wealth managers and good advice. Its more tax efficient to gift money whilst alive, of course the OP can refuse or the PIl can blow it on holidays etc but at the end of the day a good wealth manager will start the process of inheritance when people are still living. So technically its not 'their money' but the reaity is that it will be. A wealth manager or advisor would laugh at some of the comments here- holding onto it, waiting till they pass, comes with strings attached etc. Its either going to the tax man or the OP.

@ThisisMax

In my experience wealthy people are well set up with wealth managers and good advice. Its more tax efficient to gift money whilst alive, of course the OP can refuse or the PIl can blow it on holidays etc but at the end of the day a good wealth manager will start the process of inheritance when people are still living. So technically its not 'their money' but the reaity is that it will be. A wealth manager or advisor would laugh at some of the comments here- holding onto it, waiting till they pass, comes with strings attached etc. Its either going to the tax man or the OP.

Or to care that they may need in later years.

@ThisisMax

In my experience wealthy people are well set up with wealth managers and good advice. Its more tax efficient to gift money whilst alive, of course the OP can refuse or the PIl can blow it on holidays etc but at the end of the day a good wealth manager will start the process of inheritance when people are still living. So technically its not 'their money' but the reaity is that it will be. A wealth manager or advisor would laugh at some of the comments here- holding onto it, waiting till they pass, comes with strings attached etc. Its either going to the tax man or the OP.

There is no technically about it, the money is NOT the ops dh's. It is his parents. It's very kind that the pils want to gift the money right now, however op's dh also has every right to say no. He might want his parents to save that money incase they need it later in life, for care or any other number of things.

This is the husbands decision, I’m sorry op, it’s his final decision here. You can’t go and ask them for the money as you rightly say.

Forget the offer, you and your husband need to work out if you can afford this and if not then accept you won’t b doing it, Ie if it means you going back full time and you can’t or don’t wish to, then sadly the repercussion is that this thing can’t be done, now at least.

you have both to realise that their money is actually yours

Of course it’s not, what an awful way to think. 😱

@Eugenieonegin of course, Im assuming though that they have care accounted for. In my line of work I deal with a lot of very wealthy self made clients and usually the whole process starts when their kids have partners or grandchildren. Some choose to give a set amount as inheritance and live comfortably or others might chose to give a large inheritance. Many of my clients take great pleasure in giving money in their later years- it allows their kids and spouses to have a better quality of life, get on the property ladder etc. Of course peoole can say no to giving or recieving but they have offered so they are happy to. The OP's husband has decided no and thats fine too. However if he is an only child sooner or later he will have to have a grown up conversation about assests and wealth. I get that if the OP wanted to blow it on a holiday or a car that would be wasteful but for things like getting on the ladder for property etc why not? Wealthy people are wealthy usually because they are clever with money or inherit it and the OP will be in the position that they will probably inherit. Time to have a bigger discussion I think. I had a client pay 600k extra tax because they didnt have this conversation- thats a lot more than the OP is getting.

Why do you think your DH is refusing to accept money from his parents if not because of pride? Do you think deep down he doesn’t want a baby perhaps? Maybe he feels right now is not a good time if you are suffering with stress so bad that it prevents you from working?

You see them everyday?! Yikes. Think how much more you'd be beholden taking this money. Particularly when one is left alone.
Not worth it.