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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay for upkeep of car?

54 replies

Snowdon564 · 21/02/2022 08:34

Don’t know if I’m being unreasonable here so would like some advice.

Back story is I’ve been with my “boyfriend” for over 15 years, we’re not married but have children and a mortgage.

We used to have a car each but after time couldn’t really afford 2 so went down to one and have been like this for about 4/5 years.

As we’ve been together so long we have both had periods where one has financially sorted the other, give and take and all that.

Recently we’ve had a falling out, we’re not married so neither of us is financially secure without the other, difference is he has family who would financially help him and I have none, I’d just be screwed.

It came to a head last month, his been stringing me along for years about marriage and I didn’t see it, I was blinded by love. I’ve recently woken up to this and feel stupid, as far as I’m concerned we have broken up (but still live together as we have children and a mortgage, he won’t leave, I can’t leave as have nowhere else to go)

I paid £1300 a year ago to fix the car, this was fine as we was together, on the same team as it where and I hadn’t realised he was stringing me along.

He says his never stringed me along, he does want to marry me (it’s been over 15 years though). The car has broken and his asking me how much money i have to help fix the car. I’ve told him I’m not fixing it, it’s his car, not mine and if anything happens to him anyway I’d loose the car as it’s not in my name and we’re not married.

Here’s the dilemma, I use the car all the time as it’s the only one we have and I run the kids about. He also could probably afford to pay for the repairs if he didn’t take me on a expensive weekend away (he never does anything with me or wants to spend time with me, our last night away was over 10 years ago, there is no romance and he makes me feel like part of the furniture and takes me for granted, this was an attempt to try and start to get things back on track, although I’m still not convinced as 1 night away and 3 meals out in 8 years won’t cut it anymore) His basically just been a boyfriend all this time and a shit one at that for the past 3 years.

Should I pay for the car to be fixed? I can afford it, but I just don’t want too, it’s not my car, but don’t know if I’m just being bitchy

OP posts:
SunnyKlara · 21/02/2022 08:37

Nope. Sounds like you might need that money soon to set yourself up. I'd start squirreling away my own money like mad if I were you. Can you cut down on any other spending and start saving a bit more?

gamerchick · 21/02/2022 08:37

I'd be getting my own car in your shoes. I'd also be looking at my future with this person as well if you're at the point of not wanting to help fix something as a team because you're not sure if it's going to be snatches away

As an aside, me and husband take it in turns for car repairs.

OinkyO · 21/02/2022 08:42

You're going to have to get your own car I think. If you've been using his as a shared one you should really pay something towards it. So I'd stop using it.

AllOfUsAreDead · 21/02/2022 08:44

Nope I wouldn't pay either. His name is on it, it's his car to pay for. He can't just be nice to use you for money, unless you want to be taken advantage of. And he doesn't want to marry you, it would have happened by now if that were true.

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 08:44

I agree you need to get your own car.

Original poster
Snowdon564 · 21/02/2022 08:44

I can’t afford my own car yet, business is just starting to pick up though so maybe in 6 months or so I could.

I can’t not use it, it’s needed to take the kids places, clubs etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowdon564 · 21/02/2022 08:45

To be fair, I don’t actually use it for me, maybe to go lunch with a friend or to go town but other than that I’m only using it for the kids really.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 21/02/2022 08:46

Are they his kids too?

Just tell him its his turn you payed last time

Original poster
Snowdon564 · 21/02/2022 08:47

Yes the kids are his, we have been together since I was a teenager.

OP posts:
OinkyO · 21/02/2022 08:48

@Snowdon564

Yes the kids are his, we have been together since I was a teenager.
Ok in that case only use the cars for the kids and say you're only using his car for his kids and he is welcome to drive them if he prefers.
ohhooh · 21/02/2022 08:49

I do think YABU a bit - you're in a LTR, DC, mortgage etc. But as far as you're concerned you're broken up? What about as far as he's concerned? It's all very very muddy waters.

You want to use the car and take your DC about in it, surely you want it safe? I think you just need to sort out this car, and not make it the hill to die on for the relationship. Make sure you've got something safe for the DC, then sort the rest out afterwards imo.

Bingbangbongbash · 21/02/2022 08:49

Don’t get your own car - that’s a stupid waste of money. They are his kids, too, so of course you can use the car to ferry them about, whether or not you pay for the repair. If he thinks otherwise, then he will have to explain to them why they’re missing out, or find a different way for you to take them.

As for getting married - he says he’s not stringing you along so call his bluff. If he wants to reconcile, he should book the registry office and a pub meal somewhere.

RandomMess · 21/02/2022 08:51

Just use it for the DC stuff, your contribution is your time taking them there and his providing the car.

AnotherSillawithanS · 21/02/2022 08:51

If you're using the car then you need to pay towards it, it's that simple really.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 21/02/2022 08:51

If his argument is that you can't use it and refuse to contribute to it then tell him it looks like he's doing the school run and all errands then.

girlmom21 · 21/02/2022 08:52

Don’t get your own car - that’s a stupid waste of money.

She needs a car, his isn't fit for purpose and she wants to separate anyway. If she needs it it's not a waste of money...

1FootInTheRave · 21/02/2022 08:54

If you're using it then you should be paying towards it.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/02/2022 08:54

Its an asset in his name so no.

Make him responsible for 50% of the kids ferrying around if he won't fix it. If they can't get to football talk to dad not you.

For your share of liftI would look into seeing if they can get lifts from friends who go to same clubs and also public transport options

Keep your money as trust me when I say you will need it - CMS won't touch the sides.

SoupDragon · 21/02/2022 09:00

I use the car all the time

So,what are you going to do if it isn't fixed because he spent his money on a weekend away for you both?

Doanythingforlove · 21/02/2022 09:07

If you use the car ‘all the time’ I don’t see why you can’t pay towards it. What about half each for the repairs?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 21/02/2022 09:17

Does he pay the insurance, tax, service etc?

VioletVesper · 21/02/2022 09:36

@AnotherSillawithanS

If you're using the car then you need to pay towards it, it's that simple really.
I agree with this, sorry OP. And with those who have advised you buy your own car asap.
peboh · 21/02/2022 09:47

I have to agree with @1FootInTheRave, it doesn't really matter who's name the car is in. If you're driving it regularly, then yes to should be paying to fix it (at least half if you're 50/50 on car use )

AdobeWanKenobi · 21/02/2022 10:02

The car is the least of your issues here.

You’re broken up but living together and going on expensive weekends away? Do you share a bed?

If you’re going for a clean break you need just that and the result of that is to stop being reliant on his car. You can’t pick and choose to suit. He needs to step up and do his half of the work and you need to find alternate ways to get your kids to their activities without his car.
The kids must be confused as well.

Original poster
Snowdon564 · 21/02/2022 10:06

Their not my kids, their our kids.

I work from home, I use the car but not all the time as I stated previously, I do however use it a lot to ferry the kids around. I use it just myself maybe 1-2 times a week.

He works nights and sleeps in the day so couldn’t run the kids about as his asleep to go to work at night, which is why it made sense to go down to one car anyway.

OP posts:
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