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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

criticisng/contradicting me...AIBU to feel upset or annoyed by this?

65 replies

Toocritical · 21/02/2022 07:27

I've been told by many people that I'm too sensitive to perceived criticism so I can't tell if this is me, if even it is criticism or if I'm overreacting. Ditto the contradicting me if that's the right term.

To give some examples

When I'm driving telling me to stop riding the clutch, or not to brake so sharply, or that I'm in the wrong gear. Admittedly I've not been driving for decades, but I have been driving for nearly 10 years with no issues.

I have a nervous habit of twirling my hair or scratching my hands. I've done it on and off for years but sometimes it's worse than others. Atm its quite bad and I've got some bad scratches on my hands which are quite sore. I don't consciously do it - telling me off about this, saying stuff like for God's sake will you just stop? And when I say I can't help it saying that I'm self defeating. I can force myself to stop of course but it feels very uncomfortable doing so.

When I'm doing any kind of practical household tasks, tutting and saying you look so awkward doing that (or you're not doing it properly) let me show you how to do it,

If I respond negatively I get told 'I'm not criticising. I'm just trying to help you'. However that's not how it feels

The contradicting is on things like places we've been - I'll say do you remember when we went to (place)? Response is to say we've not been to X, or to query if we have. Or the one that really got to me a few weeks ago, I'd given some advice to someone about something related to the (professional) job I do. I've done this job for more than 20 years and am bloody good at it. Going online spending 3 mins on Google and saying that my advice was wrong because this website said differently. Basically implying I can't do my job.

AIBU to be upset by this ?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 21/02/2022 07:38

He sounds incredibly irritating. No wonder you are scratching and so on if you are living with someone like this. I'd be a nervous wreck. Just out of interest, does he drive?

Billandben444 · 21/02/2022 07:46

It sounds as though your partner (I presume this is who most of it is about?) is finding you/your behaviour very irritating. Has it always been like this or a recent development? If the latter then it might be serious, if the former then I'd tell him to back off the constant digs as you've had enough. The final one sounds like a work connection and I'd ignore them and not offer help in the future - tell them Google is their friend.

T00Ts · 21/02/2022 07:57

Is this a husband? I can totally believe it’s a male privileged, know-it-all husband who is gaslighting you about places you went and seeking to destroy any confidence in yourself you have left.

EmpressCixi · 21/02/2022 08:04

Any one thing by itself is minor and irritating, but the fact it’s constant and about everything you do...this would be a major problem for me. It seems he or she actively dislikes you and goes out of their way to take you down peg after peg after peg, with ultimate goal being you deep in a hole. YANBU and I’d seriously consider telling them to stop or get out/go no contact.

Original poster
Toocritical · 21/02/2022 08:05

All the examples given are the same person, my partner.

Its not entirely a recent thing but it seems to have increased recently. The work comment is new and has really needled me. Its the equivalent of me being a GP, telling someone they have X wrong with them, and him googling and telling me no thats the wrong diagnosis because a website says different.

OP posts:
Featuredcreature · 21/02/2022 08:12

He sounds frigging tedious tbh, the fact he purposely googled the advice you had given in order to tell you how wrong you are shows he is doing this on purpose.

Quantity5 · 21/02/2022 08:12

Your partner has one job. To like you best. That’s it. They then show this in lots of different ways depending on their style. Contemptuous put downs are not part of a loving relationship.

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 21/02/2022 08:13

It’s soul destroying. I had one like that - note the past tense! I don’t really have any advice… just wanted to show solidarity & that I hear you!

Original poster
Toocritical · 21/02/2022 08:20

I don't feel very liked at the moment. I know he loves me, but this criticism is wearing. He doesn't see it as criticism though.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/02/2022 08:21

Constant low level criticism is a known form of abuse. So no it's not normal.

It's also a bad sign when you tell your partner something that they're doing that's upsetting you and instead of looking at their behaviour, reflecting, or discussing it further, they jump straight to blaming you for it 'you're just too sensitive / well I wouldn't need to if you didn't...'.

Most people would get upset if their partner said they couldn't drive properly, needed help doing day to day household tasks, and were doing their job wrong. All he needs is to criticise your choice of friends and how you do your hobbies and how you sleep and he has then picked holes in your entire life

HAF1119 · 21/02/2022 08:29

'I'm scratching my hands because you are making me nervous as you don't have much patience, please accept me as I am, I don't need to do things exactly as you would'

Marylou62 · 21/02/2022 08:30

@Quantity5

Your partner has one job. To like you best. That’s it. They then show this in lots of different ways depending on their style. Contemptuous put downs are not part of a loving relationship.
Wow...What an amazing sum up of how a good relationship should work...Can I use it in the future? OP.. good advice here. I bet your anxiety and scratching will get loads better without his constant put downs.
Pyri · 21/02/2022 08:32

I’d lose my shit at him and see how that went tbh.

Criticising my driving - id literally pull over there and then and get out and get them to drive.

Automaticforthepeople · 21/02/2022 08:33

Constant criticism and put-downs over a period of time can really wear people down, even if the digs by themselves seem mild. It's like a drip, drip effect. It's not necessary and it's controlling. It can start to make you feel as though you can't get anything right - which is not true. It seems like a form of gaslighting, where you start to question and doubt yourself.

It’s like saying 'my way is the only way'.
It’s not his right or place to tell you what to do or how to do it.

The reaction to your hand scratching is worrying. Instead of showing compassion or trying to help, he is just putting you down. You deserve better than this.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 21/02/2022 08:33

Great advice here. And yes, tell him that you are not being oversensitive and he's being an insensitive and overly critical arse. As a pp said, he's around to support you, not to pick holes in everything you do.

Original poster
Toocritical · 21/02/2022 08:40

I scratch more around him. I do it when I'm in work meetings too, its not just him. Or if I'm on a tricky phone call, or at other times. So it's not just him. But partly.

He'd say he wants to make my life easier by telling me how to do a DIY task...or that he wants to help me to be a better driver. If I say anything, he says surely he's allowed to comment etc, can he not express an opinion, and so on.

Its really getting me down atm. The physical side of our relationship is non existent currently but I don't feel inclined to do anything about that as I don't feel liked.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 21/02/2022 08:41

I wouldn't stay with someone like this. But before i left I'd be doing the same to him.

Original poster
Toocritical · 21/02/2022 08:48

He did start off trying to get me to stop scratching in a nice way...but because I haven't stopped he's now become irritated by it. So he was compassionate previously I think, I don't want to paint an unfairly negative picture.

OP posts:
334bu · 21/02/2022 08:50

This sounds more like deliberate abusive behaviour rather than someone criticising for the sake if it. Making you feel less is classic abuser behaviour.

Automaticforthepeople · 21/02/2022 08:54

It's not fair on you. You deserve to feel loved and valued, not chipped away at and put down.

It sounds like his behaviour is causing you stress and making the scratching worse. I wonder how much better it would be if you didn't have to put up with this.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 21/02/2022 08:56

So basically, he's either telling you you're wrong or telling you you're stupid/incompetent/annoying.
He doesn't love you. Sorry.

And he sounds like a dick.

PhoboPhobia · 21/02/2022 08:57

This is not the behaviour of someone who is supposed to love and support you.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 21/02/2022 09:01

Also, it doesn't really matter WHY he does it. He's refused to pack it in and unless you walk away you will end up with your self esteem in tatters.

Walk away. You can do better.

NoneLeft2 · 21/02/2022 09:02

I have a similar OCD habit and find the more stressed/anxious I am the more I do it, I don't think some people realise the relief that your habit brings you and the heightened stress when you can't do it. I bet if you got rid of the gaslighting prick your symtoms would die down a bit though. He is negging you, slowly chipping away at your confidence and self esteem. I bet he has other abusive traits that you just haven't been able to see yet.

Orgasmagorical · 21/02/2022 09:13

He'd say he wants to make my life easier by telling me how to do a DIY task...or that he wants to help me to be a better driver. If I say anything, he says surely he's allowed to comment etc, can he not express an opinion, and so on.

When I called up my then husband on his similar behaviour he told me he was counselling me Grin Grin Grin. They always have a reason for their behaviour and it's always down to us, their victims.

It eats away at you, that's what it's designed to do, have you doubting yourself, scratching you hands, you'll end up feeling that you're going out of your mind.

YANBU to be upset by this, Toocritical, you are not being oversentsitive, he knows what he is doing.

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