Page 2 | criticisng/contradicting me...AIBU to feel upset or annoyed by this?

TeaStory · 21/02/2022 09:14

If I say anything, he says surely he's allowed to comment etc, can he not express an opinion, and so on.

Classic DARVO. His behaviour is shitty and you don’t have to put up with it.

Dibbydoos · 21/02/2022 09:21

@Quantity5

Your partner has one job. To like you best. That’s it. They then show this in lots of different ways depending on their style. Contemptuous put downs are not part of a loving relationship.

Love this post!

Yep we're all supposed to be in partnerships to love, respect support each other.

Life throws curve balls at us all the time, it's how we deal with them that's important. He's throwing loads of curve balls your way and how are you dealing with them? By injuring yourself and allowing it to affect yourxselfcesteem.

Talk to him, be really clear about how it causes you to feel etc. See if he changes. If he doesn't, I'm afraid you either put up with it (I wouldn't), get counselling, or get rid.

Life is too short to be with someone who cares more for scoring points than they do for you.

dottydodah · 21/02/2022 09:40

I think he feels inferior to you . My DD who is doing a psychology class ATM, would suggest he is trying to undermine you by "taking away your pedestal and leaping on it!" You are a professional woman who is married to a Dick! I think if you got rid of him your scratching may stop!Can you get Ducks lined up ? See if you can get a deposit for a flat ,put your house on the market ? He sounds like one of those Dinosaur husbands putting the little woman down .You are an intelligent woman in a good job .Please dont let him treat you this way any longer

Original poster

Toocritical · 21/02/2022 09:48

The funny thing is it doesn't really affect my self esteem. I have been told (by friends, colleagues, exes) that I think too much of myself. They always perceived this as a negative but actually I feel like its a good thing because if I didn't I'd be damaged by criticism - I get upset by it because I think it's unfair more than thinking 'oh actually he's got a point'. I do think I'm pretty bloody great most of the time.

And yes I don't like to be told I'm doing something wrong because what adult does?! I don't say that - I'll offer to help people if they seem to be struggling but I don't dig at them for not being able to do it in the first place.

This is another silly thing, we were discussing the other day that feeling of under achieving - I was saying that I feel perhaps I have underachieved when you look at others in my profession, but coming from quite a poor background (first in my family to go to university or own a house) I actually feel like I've achieved quite a lot. To which he said well I don't see how that's relevant, plenty of people are successful who come from poor backgrounds. Even though he was agreeing he also feels he could have achieved more (his take on it is money isn't everything and overall he's happy with his lot) it felt like he still had to dig at what I was saying - why not just say that my opinion was valid, but his perspective was slightly different.

A few years ago we had a huge row (We don't row much, little niggles at most) and he said to me 'you're not special'. And that's the thing that got to me the most - because he's wrong and I bloody AM Special! And as my partner he should definitely think so.

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ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 09:55

I've been told by many people that I'm too sensitive to perceived criticism

Funnily enough, being constantly criticised will make anyone ... sensitive to criticism. Let me guess, the main person who tells you this is your partner, who is the chief culprit?

The examples you quote are horrible. He is basically not allowing you to go about your daily business without having a go at you. It is a constant dominance display & he is getting a kick out of putting you down.

Were your parents critical too - are these the other people who inform you that you are "too sensitive"? Either way, people who constantly call others "too sensitive" are jerks who enjoy making horrible remarks but then blaming the recipient for having a reaction - to deflect blame from themselves so they can keep doing it.
It's such a common technique that it has its own acronym - DARVO - so this is NOT you OP - it's him.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

It is perfectly ok for you to feel wounded when you are criticised & corrected so often. The thing is - what do you want to do about it?

ChargingBuck · 21/02/2022 10:00

@Toocritical

All the examples given are the same person, my partner.

Its not entirely a recent thing but it seems to have increased recently. The work comment is new and has really needled me. Its the equivalent of me being a GP, telling someone they have X wrong with them, and him googling and telling me no thats the wrong diagnosis because a website says different.

Yeah, when I went self-employed & Ex decided that now I WFH he was fed up with commuting so would just ... give up his job & live off me, he would sit in my office & once had the temerity to inform me "you don't talk to facilities managers like that" after a contract-winning call to ... a senior facilities manager.

I had 2 decades experience & was paying all our costs on the back of my expertise. That had to be punished, didn't it?

Your DP is a nasty bastard, & I LOVE the pride & confidence ringing out of your previous post about your own work. Imagine developing that confidence even further, by removing the source of negativity & self-doubt from your life ...

Arabellla · 21/02/2022 10:03

You need to be very cold and calm and tell it stops now. And mean it.

Don't be in the same space as him when he dies it. Leave every time.

Billandben444 · 21/02/2022 10:04

Your friends have told you that you think too much of yourself? What makes them say this - do you think it's a true reflection of how you come over to them? Maybe your partner thinks you need taking down a peg or two.

Criticising my driving - id literally pull over there and then and get out and get them to drive

Nah, I'd tell him to get out.

dottydodah · 21/02/2022 10:14

You say it doesnt affect your self esteem .However you are scratching your poor hands until they are sore .(Why are your friends and relations so quick to tell you you "think too much of yourself FFS!) This is classic misogyny! Women being told they are "big headed" or "think too much of themselves"FFS. Sometimes families and "friends" say this so you wont "leave them behind" Utter tripe .I am glad you are able to rise above it.However it can be like a dripping tap ,too much exposure wears you down .Maybe see a little less of these other toxic people as well as DH!

jpbee · 21/02/2022 10:28

@Quantity5

Your partner has one job. To like you best. That’s it. They then show this in lots of different ways depending on their style. Contemptuous put downs are not part of a loving relationship.

@Quantity5 THIS! Love the wording and so true.

Original poster

Toocritical · 21/02/2022 10:28

The thinking too much of myself is something that has been said going back many years - I have always been a bit arrogant I guess, so I think people did think I needed taking down a peg. The friends I mention are no longer friends btw.

Scratching my hands is partly a stress related thing - it happens when I'm at work or on the phone. I don't know when I'm doing it a lot of the time. It's the same with fiddling with my hair. I doodle incessantly too if I have a pen in front of me, I just find it impossible to sit completely still. I used to bite my nails when I was younger but have managed largely to stop that now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toocritical · 21/02/2022 10:33

He has encouraged me to do lots of things - promotion at work, pass my driving test (and buy a car), make changes to my appearance, do some travelling. It's not all negative, or at least it wasn't. The last 2 years have been hard I think, I work from home now and really love it, but he finds it quite isolating and lonely as he doesn't really know many people outside of work and so going out to work was a kind of social opportunity for him.

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dottydodah · 21/02/2022 10:39

He has "encouraged " you though ,he hasnt done these things ,you have!Also why do you need to make changes to your appearance . Yes he has some redeeming qualities .Micromanaging isnt one of them though.This kind of behaviour is sadly all too common and is tolerated by women a little too much!

Original poster

Toocritical · 21/02/2022 10:50

They were changes I'd been considering but was undecided - like a drastic change in hair colour, his encouragement and positivity (how ironic given I'm now talking about negativity) gave me the push to do it, it wasn''t something I did for him - it's all been for me, and yes it's me that's done it but I felt he was cheering me on, which isn't something I've had in my life (with the exception of my parents who passed some years ago).

Not sure when it all changed - if this is a temporary thing or how we are now.

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Fatgalslim · 21/02/2022 10:53

Make changes to your appearance?! How is that not a negative?

BBCONEANDTWO · 21/02/2022 11:01

@Toocritical

I've been told by many people that I'm too sensitive to perceived criticism so I can't tell if this is me, if even it is criticism or if I'm overreacting. Ditto the contradicting me if that's the right term.

To give some examples

When I'm driving telling me to stop riding the clutch, or not to brake so sharply, or that I'm in the wrong gear. Admittedly I've not been driving for decades, but I have been driving for nearly 10 years with no issues.

I have a nervous habit of twirling my hair or scratching my hands. I've done it on and off for years but sometimes it's worse than others. Atm its quite bad and I've got some bad scratches on my hands which are quite sore. I don't consciously do it - telling me off about this, saying stuff like for God's sake will you just stop? And when I say I can't help it saying that I'm self defeating. I can force myself to stop of course but it feels very uncomfortable doing so.

When I'm doing any kind of practical household tasks, tutting and saying you look so awkward doing that (or you're not doing it properly) let me show you how to do it,

If I respond negatively I get told 'I'm not criticising. I'm just trying to help you'. However that's not how it feels

The contradicting is on things like places we've been - I'll say do you remember when we went to (place)? Response is to say we've not been to X, or to query if we have. Or the one that really got to me a few weeks ago, I'd given some advice to someone about something related to the (professional) job I do. I've done this job for more than 20 years and am bloody good at it. Going online spending 3 mins on Google and saying that my advice was wrong because this website said differently. Basically implying I can't do my job.

AIBU to be upset by this ?

The driving is annoying and could be dangerous if he keeps going on and on. When he says about the clutch or brake just ignore him or say I know - but I'll get there. (the will annoy the hell out of him).

Hair and scratching yourself - Don't say you can't help it - say something like - sorry if you're irritated - imagine how I'm feeling and then ignore.

Household tasks. When he says he'll show you how to do it - say - it's OK, unless you want to take over?

Criticising - don't give him the satisfaction of the you feel he is criticising you.

The gaslighting - just agree with him - he won't know what's hit him - but if I were you I'd probably plan a way out.

longtompot · 21/02/2022 11:09

@Quantity5

Your partner has one job. To like you best. That’s it. They then show this in lots of different ways depending on their style. Contemptuous put downs are not part of a loving relationship.

This in a nutshell.

incognitoforthisone · 21/02/2022 12:03

Some people definitely are too sensitive to perceived criticism - but what you're describing really doesn't sound like that. Being constantly scrutinised and told you're doing things wrong is not only annoying but also incredibly draining.

My boyfriend and I are both slightly inept at certain things and we'll joke with each other about that - but it's good-natured and equal. What you're describing just sounds like constant nit-picking, and that's just exhausting when you're hearing it day in, day out. It sounds like he's actively looking for things to criticise.

I completely get that repetitive habits - scratching, nail-biting, hair-twiddling, knuckle-cracking etc - can be annoying for other people, but we all do things that are sightly irritating from time to time, and if you're scratching your hands to the point where it's sore, your partner should be sympathetic and concerned, not snapping at you.

Original poster

Toocritical · 21/02/2022 13:32

He did start off as concerned but he seems to think I'm not trying to stop doing it. I don't think he gets that it's quite difficult to not do it, and frankly I've got enough to be worrying about without having to think about whether or not I'm scratching all the time. Him saying it makes him feel ill etc really doesn't help.

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Ileflottante · 21/02/2022 13:42

I can’t work out if your mindset of “I’m probably arrogant, I know I’m special, but people think I think too much of myself and need taking down a peg or two, but also they say I’m too sensitive to criticism,” is refreshing self awareness or the total opposite. 🤷🏼‍♀️

EerieSilence · 21/02/2022 13:55

You sound like a frog who was thrown into cold water that's now on the hob and getting hotter and hotter by the day.
He's emotionally abusive, belittling and humiliating you. Get rid.

Orgasmagorical · 21/02/2022 14:57

he finds it quite isolating and lonely as he doesn't really know many people outside of work and so going out to work was a kind of social opportunity for him

You're almost writing my life story. OP. There had been incidents over the years but when my husband retired the little 'well meant' criticisms and other behaviours became more and more frequent. He had enjoyed the social stimulation attention he got from his colleagues but didn't have any friends outside of work and the attention I gave him wasn't good enough. He was very good at making it look like he was helping me with his behaviours but they were all designed to make me doubt and feel shit about myself.

Are you ever out in company with other people together? How is he then?

YNK · 21/02/2022 15:10

@Toocritical

He did start off as concerned but he seems to think I'm not trying to stop doing it. I don't think he gets that it's quite difficult to not do it, and frankly I've got enough to be worrying about without having to think about whether or not I'm scratching all the time. Him saying it makes him feel ill etc really doesn't help.

So you need to pay attention to his feelings and ignore your own? My ex did this to me throughout a long serious illness, telling me my own doctors didn't believe me. I found an entry in my GP records showing he was discussing me with my GP 'alone' without my knowledge (or consent) at that time. Years later an MRI showed I'd had had a stroke. Get away from this gaslighting creep fast - he's ramping up the control now! Also call womens aid

MischievousBiscuits · 21/02/2022 16:16

This is the absolute worst. Next time he says you're not doing something right, be it hoovering, doing the dishes, whatever it is, hand it to him and tell him to do it as he knows so much more!

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2022 16:24

@Toocritical

He has encouraged me to do lots of things - promotion at work, pass my driving test (and buy a car), make changes to my appearance, do some travelling. It's not all negative, or at least it wasn't. The last 2 years have been hard I think, I work from home now and really love it, but he finds it quite isolating and lonely as he doesn't really know many people outside of work and so going out to work was a kind of social opportunity for him.

As to the driving issue, I'd just stop the car and tell him to get out as he wasn't happy with my driving.

And refuse to drive him in the future