criticisng/contradicting me...AIBU to feel upset or annoyed by this?

[Toocritical]

I've been told by many people that I'm too sensitive to perceived criticism so I can't tell if this is me, if even it is criticism or if I'm overreacting. Ditto the contradicting me if that's the right term.

To give some examples

When I'm driving telling me to stop riding the clutch, or not to brake so sharply, or that I'm in the wrong gear. Admittedly I've not been driving for decades, but I have been driving for nearly 10 years with no issues.

I have a nervous habit of twirling my hair or scratching my hands. I've done it on and off for years but sometimes it's worse than others. Atm its quite bad and I've got some bad scratches on my hands which are quite sore. I don't consciously do it - telling me off about this, saying stuff like for God's sake will you just stop? And when I say I can't help it saying that I'm self defeating. I can force myself to stop of course but it feels very uncomfortable doing so.

When I'm doing any kind of practical household tasks, tutting and saying you look so awkward doing that (or you're not doing it properly) let me show you how to do it,

If I respond negatively I get told 'I'm not criticising. I'm just trying to help you'. However that's not how it feels

The contradicting is on things like places we've been - I'll say do you remember when we went to (place)? Response is to say we've not been to X, or to query if we have. Or the one that really got to me a few weeks ago, I'd given some advice to someone about something related to the (professional) job I do. I've done this job for more than 20 years and am bloody good at it. Going online spending 3 mins on Google and saying that my advice was wrong because this website said differently. Basically implying I can't do my job.

AIBU to be upset by this ?

If I handed it over to him he'd refuse and say I'm being self defeating and I can do it, he'll show me and I can follow what he does. Thing is I do things my way, I don't care if his way is better, I do things as I can do them. Him demonstrating how to iron a shirt (this is just an example, I don't iron very often nor does he) doesn't suddenly make me able to iron like he does (if he was for example, a good ironer). I can't just follow what he shows me and do it in that way, partly because I often can't see what I'm doing is different anyway, and partly because the way I'm doing the job is fine for me.

So if I said you do it, he'd say no I'm quite capable. And if I asked him to stop telling me how to do it, he'd say he's trying to help and I'm too defensive and need to accept criticism when I'm doing things wrong or making life harder for myself.

To which I'd probably say I can't win - which apparently is the wrong thing to say because it's not about winning and I always have to have the last word blah blah (which is also what one of my Exs used to say about me).

And if I stopped the car, or said he should drive himself, he'd tell me I was defensive or being deliberately argumentative or antagonistic, he's doing this for my own good to make me a better driver/ save me from damaging my car etc.

@Toocritical

And if I stopped the car, or said he should drive himself, he'd tell me I was defensive or being deliberately argumentative or antagonistic, he's doing this for my own good to make me a better driver/ save me from damaging my car etc.

The reply, 'Thanks, but I'm fine as I am. Off you go'

You're a fully functioning adult. You don't need improving to his standards

Any good points?

@Toocritical

If I handed it over to him he'd refuse and say I'm being self defeating and I can do it, he'll show me and I can follow what he does. Thing is I do things my way, I don't care if his way is better, I do things as I can do them. Him demonstrating how to iron a shirt (this is just an example, I don't iron very often nor does he) doesn't suddenly make me able to iron like he does (if he was for example, a good ironer). I can't just follow what he shows me and do it in that way, partly because I often can't see what I'm doing is different anyway, and partly because the way I'm doing the job is fine for me.

So if I said you do it, he'd say no I'm quite capable. And if I asked him to stop telling me how to do it, he'd say he's trying to help and I'm too defensive and need to accept criticism when I'm doing things wrong or making life harder for myself.

To which I'd probably say I can't win - which apparently is the wrong thing to say because it's not about winning and I always have to have the last word blah blah (which is also what one of my Exs used to say about me).

So when he's not actively criticising you, he carries on criticising by stealth, like he's some kind of genius Pygmalion whose wordly wisdom is so much greater than yours ...

He is so arrogant & condescending.
Next time - he'd say he's trying to help and I'm too defensive and need to accept criticism - try biting back. Hard.
"I don't need to accept criticism you patronising arsehole, I need you to fuck off with your terrible attitude & stop imagining you know how to live my life for me."

Oh, & then LTB.
You are on a hiding to nothing with this awful man

He does have good points. We have a similar view of the world, we have lots of likes in common. He can be very supportive - if I said I was applying for a new job, moving into a different field, taking an additional qualification or anything like that, any kind of self improvement, he'd be totally supportive and encouraging. He's helped my family (and friends) with many things over the years, given up his time willingly. He's definitely not all bad. But over the last couple of years, and especially since the start of the year things haven't been great.

You’re really not selling him to us here @Toocritical! He’s making you feel unhappy and that’s the bottom line of it. You have a choice: stay with him knowing that he won’t change, or might get worse, or leave him. Changing him isn’t an option as you don’t control that. He’s continually negging you. That’s not an attractive trait. You wouldn’t continue dating someone that did this so why put up with it just because you’ve been together for longer? That’s where the sunken cost fallacy might be playing a part. But please don’t feel like you have to put up with this, you are worth more and those that do you down are those that don’t like seeing you succeed, which isn’t very loving or kind.

@Toocritical

He does have good points. We have a similar view of the world, we have lots of likes in common. He can be very supportive - if I said I was applying for a new job, moving into a different field, taking an additional qualification or anything like that, any kind of self improvement, he'd be totally supportive and encouraging. He's helped my family (and friends) with many things over the years, given up his time willingly. He's definitely not all bad. But over the last couple of years, and especially since the start of the year things haven't been great.

OP, even the good points are quite a low bar to set. They are all perfectly 'normal' traits to expect from a friend or a lover - nothing to rave about.

Following with interest, all sounds alarmingly familiar

Honestly I've never had anyone in my life with the exception of my parents that I felt I could rely on, I can rely on him. He's been the only person whose support I've known I always have. So whilst I get that it's maybe not a high bar for some, when you've never had that from anyone else it is more of a big deal.

That said, things definitely aren't great at the moment and if this is now how things are indefinitely or forever, they won't change or improve, that doesn't bode well.

exception of my parents that I felt I could rely on, I can rely on him. He's been the only person whose support I've known I always have.

How does he support you? The only thing you can rely on is him constantly undermining you. There is no support there, just abuse.

If I handed it over to him he'd refuse and say I'm being self defeating and I can do it, he'll show me and I can follow what he does.

I'd practise handing over said task to him - - oh you show me then wonder off or well you'd better get on with it- and/or stopping entirely and walking away and doing it later.

Would he stop if you - do you want to do it then - said with attitide?

Or you could do it back to him by question why he way is better till he loses it then use his phrases back to him.

Honestly though he really doesn't sound great or very good for you.

Is he very insecure that he has to criticise you? Does he display symptoms of ocd? What happens if you stop what you’re doing and tell him very plainly that he’s upsetting you with his constant nit picking?

Definitely no OCD traits. I don't know about insecure but he doesn't have the same inner self belief as me. He had quite a difficult relationship with his family, has suffered from depression on and off for many years, has had a few health/ money/personal problems in the past though doing better now. Life hasn't been very fair to him and he is quite bitter about that.

I think he'd be mystified if I said I was upset when he was telling me how to do something...he wouldn't understand why I would find it upsetting. he'd probably say I was being overly defensive and not letting him help me, or that I was making it up or something.

I think he'd be mystified if I said I was upset when he was telling me how to do something...he wouldn't understand why I would find it upsetting. he'd probably say I was being overly defensive and not letting him help me, or that I was making it up or something.

He has big problems.
He is unable to see you - the woman he professes to love - as a separate human being with her own identity.
He doesn't believe your feelings are valid & he reckons he has the right to correct you when you tell him what you are feeling.

I hope you can see how ... dysfunctional that is.

I can accept written down it doesn't look great. He does have many good qualities, but this behaviour is getting me down.