To be sad how my life has turned out.

[PlasticPenguin]

I dont really know what I want from this thread but I have had a really rubbish weekend and feeling very low.

I know I'm being ridiculous but I really didn't think my life would have turned out like this. I don't know what it would have looked like but not this.

I had a very abusive childhood and I think this is the single thing that has changed the trajectory of my life forever. I know lots of people have had horrendous childhoods and alot of them have used it to become fighters and as a result they have become successful. But not for me. It has crushed me and ruined me irreparably.

I developed a mental health condition which wasnt diagnosed till my early 20s. I thought it was me. I blamed myself. I hated myself.

I have little to no self esteem / self confidence and as a result I have a low paid job, probably married the wrong person and unable to provide the childhood I wanted for my children.

That's the bit that hurts the most. I don't care about me anymore. But I really wanted better for my children. Even something small like providing swimming lessons for them but I can't. I would love to take them out on interesting day trips but petrol is expensive. I can only manage once a month if that. I know there's lots of things I can do at home but theres only so much you can do. We do as much as we can locally but it gets boring doing / seeing the same stuff.

I've even developed a physical health condition the in the last couple of days which makes me exhausted so even doing things at home is hard work. I just about manage.

My school friends have flourished whilst I've wilted and watched life pass me by.

I'm just getting tired of it and running out of steam. I'm exhausted by the sheer drudgery of it all without anything to show for it. Years and years it's ground me down.

I really feel your pain. I had a difficult homelife too and despite identifying the root cause of my problems, I still am unable to do anything about it. All I can say is you are probably doing a great job of looking after your kids. Don't worry about expensive swimming lessons and days out-they are not the be-all and end - all. I think possibly the kids might pick up that you don't love yourself and actually that might cause the cycle to repeat itself. So try to look after number one. I hope that you're okay.

I have no advise op but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone, I feel the same way and it’s a horrible feeling x

Thanks. I've just given the kids there evening dinner and I've just a little cry in my room. The kids wrote me a little letter pushed under the door to say sorry if I'm sad because of them. I know I shouldn't mope around when they are there but I'm really struggling today. I've told them it's absolutely nothing to do with them but has to go upstairs as it brought me to tears.

My stupid mental health is probably running off on them. I feel so crap as a mother. They deserve so so much better. Not me.

That is so sweet of your children 💞 They are empathtic and really care about you. You must be doing something right!!

It's great that you've told them directly that it's not them that making you sad.

You are a lovely mum. That's the best thing you can be in life - and your kids love you! Don't be too hard on yourself and hope you get a good nights sleep

Kids don't need swimming lessons or any other formal activities. They really don't.

As you know from your past, they need love, care and positive attention.

Also, SO many people will doubt their relationships, hence the divorce and separation rate.

Your feelings are absolutely valid; you were dealt a horrible childhood and undoubtedly it will affect your adult life. It affected your opportunities and you've had to 'make do' in lots of aspects.

But please, please, know that no one is perfect. No household is perfect. No childhood is perfect. Are you kids happy? That's the best indicator.

And maybe you feeling like this is a turning point. Perhaps you can use this feeling to have a real think about what you want and how you can achieve it. Do you want to study more? Get a promotion? Change field? End your relationship? Whatever it is that will make you happy. You deserve it 💐

Ps. Have you spoken to your gp about this? I really think you should. There might be something that can be done to help you.

Until we are on our death bed drawing our last, you have no idea of how your life has turned out. Life is a long road and there will be plenty of bends and turns on it.

This is just a stage of your life.

It sounds difficult at this moment but you sound as if you have lovely children so, even at this low ebb, there is still light within it.

Please speak to the Dr, there can be several underlying issues that make you feel like this -thyroid issues, Vitamin deficiencies etc. that cause exhaustion and low moods that, despite your trauma, you may not ordinarily have been be feeling.

Have you had any counselling or CBT or any help to deal with your childhood trauma? Sorry you are feeling so low right now

I feel you, OP.

I moved very far away from my siblings and mother after escaping an abusive marriage that I didn’t recognise as abusive because of how I grew up. I was used to being screamed at, belittled and smacked about.

It was painful to cut them off - but they are all so dysfunctional with zero boundaries, enmeshed, and so toxic that I’d have died if I’d stayed near them a moment longer.

I had to start from scratch. I went to college aged 31. I started Uni at 32, hated the course and Uni, swapped and started again at 33.

I’m skint, about to get a court date for a possession order and relying on the council to house me and my children.

Then Covid hit. Then I caught Covid despite following every damn rule and have been left with long Covid as a result, leaving me in chronic pain and with chronic fatigue. I’ve had to repeat half of my second year.

I also have ADHD and CPTSD, years of therapy, various medications from my Psychiatrist have never really “fixed” me. It’s been years. I’m not going to get any better. I know that. I just try to focus on not getting “worse”.

I often haven’t been able to function as I’d like and I’ve worried about not being able to give DC what I wanted to, but honestly OP, as you know - all that matters is that they are loved and they know they are loved.

Please don't try and get through this alone. Try and see your gp, join a support group, use the support of mumsnetters. You sound as though you are doing great and raising your children well. Sending love

I think you should take to your GP.

For what it's worth, my mum grew up with a horrible childhood, abuse alcohol father and I don't think I even know the half of it as she has buried as it's the only way she could deal with it.

We didn't grow up with much by way of holidays, treats, private lessons etc. but we were loved, clothed, fed and has a roof over our head. We had a great childhood. It's not material things that could it's the safe and secure feeling.

In contrast, some of mum's siblings repeated their father's behaviour. In some ways, I don't blame them, it's learnt behaviour.

You have broken the cycle too, which shows massive strenght even if you don't see it that way. Even in the brief mention of your children, it seems like they are good, happy kids.

Try not to give yourself a hard time. My mum did counselling a number of years ago, she didn't talk about it but somehow she seems lighted after it. You would probably benefit from it too.

I think most of us from abusive homes would say (well what i would anyway) is that what we needed as children was love, just love. Material things and experiences are one thing but love is what tips the scales. If you love your children and they know and feel it, thats the important thing.

@PlasticPenguin, I wish I could give you a big hug. You sound like a lovely mum, who is trying her very best for her children and they love you for it. When they grow up, they will remember all the lovely things you have done together - taking them to the local park, going for walks with them, reading to them, playing games with them. I would echo previous advice to see your doctor, though, as you sound as if depression is taking hold of you and might need medical help.

I hear you, OP. I had a very, very dysfunctional childhood & there is no question that it's difficult to overcome. Having children can 'stir' it up & also I think im really hard on myself as a parent due to wanting to be different to mine. I too have low income, my marriage has failed & as both my kids have autism and little support it is hard for me to work as much as I'd like to.

BUT ... OP if your kids are pushing a note under the door that means you've raised empathic & mature kids. If you are wiping your eyes & reassuring them 'its not you, Mum's just feeling a bit down tonight' then you are teaching them honesty, perseverance & courage.
Don't lose heart, I bet you are doing a great job. They can learn to swim as adults- these life lessons will help too.

The fact your kids gave you that note means you're doing a brill job. So sorry you feel this way. It sounds like you are giving them a great childhood because you care!

PlasticPenguin If your children are kind and considerate enough to do that, you're doing a cracking job as a parent.
Don't beat yourself up, you're doing the best you can. It sounds like you're low and depressed, and you need to talk to someone.
But seriously, children need love and attention. 'Doing things' is nice, but it's not the be all and end all. You're bringing up some wonderful human beings. Be very proud of that, and be as kind to yourself as you are to them. You're worth so much more than you think you are. x

I'm so sorry you had such an awful childhood, OP. It's hard enough for a lot of people to deal with life and parenthood even if they didn't grow up in an abusive household - please be kind to yourself.

By loving and caring for your children, you are already giving them a better childhood and chance in life than you had, and that's worth a lot.

Give your child a cuddle and at the same time cuddle the child that was you that missed out

How old are you?
Do you work?

You should never compare yourself to anyone else.

You need to do things that make yourself happier.
It could be things like exercising everyday, decluttering, painting your nails, having a hobby like doing jigsaws or making things that you can sell.

Being happy in yourself will make your kids happier.

Not having money is hard but I can guarantee that your kids don’t miss what they don’t have.
They’re not going to grow up and be upset that they didn’t have swimming lessons.

Love is the most important thing you can give them and no amount of money can buy that.

There’s no guarantee your life would have been any different had your your childhood been any different. What if land is robbing your children of their mum living in the here and now.

You can’t change the past but you have a bigger say in now than you think.

You are not alone.

Go and cuddle your kids, then ring the gp in the morning. Your kids couldn't have a better mum but you end to believe that.

All children really need is love and positive attention. Encouragement and support. You sound like you have actually done incredibly well in the face of overwhelming odds. No wonder you're exhausted with it. But you ARE doing well. Don't give up - think about maybe going to see your GP to find out what help you can get.

You’re doing great. What gorgeous lovely children you have pushing notes under a door - that means you’re a great mum.

Don’t worry about the swimming lessons. Kids just want love and attention. You’ve got this and you sound lovely.