To be sad how my life has turned out.

[PlasticPenguin]

I dont really know what I want from this thread but I have had a really rubbish weekend and feeling very low.

I know I'm being ridiculous but I really didn't think my life would have turned out like this. I don't know what it would have looked like but not this.

I had a very abusive childhood and I think this is the single thing that has changed the trajectory of my life forever. I know lots of people have had horrendous childhoods and alot of them have used it to become fighters and as a result they have become successful. But not for me. It has crushed me and ruined me irreparably.

I developed a mental health condition which wasnt diagnosed till my early 20s. I thought it was me. I blamed myself. I hated myself.

I have little to no self esteem / self confidence and as a result I have a low paid job, probably married the wrong person and unable to provide the childhood I wanted for my children.

That's the bit that hurts the most. I don't care about me anymore. But I really wanted better for my children. Even something small like providing swimming lessons for them but I can't. I would love to take them out on interesting day trips but petrol is expensive. I can only manage once a month if that. I know there's lots of things I can do at home but theres only so much you can do. We do as much as we can locally but it gets boring doing / seeing the same stuff.

I've even developed a physical health condition the in the last couple of days which makes me exhausted so even doing things at home is hard work. I just about manage.

My school friends have flourished whilst I've wilted and watched life pass me by.

I'm just getting tired of it and running out of steam. I'm exhausted by the sheer drudgery of it all without anything to show for it. Years and years it's ground me down.

You sound like a very kind and caring person. Your kids sound like great kids. It is difficult to shake off all the things that a difficult childhood do to you. This crappy weather and a long winter term do not help.

I had a difficult childhood and the single thing that helped me most was realising that no wonder I sometimes feel crap, if X Y and Z happened....under the circumstances I am doing good. Remember who you are, feel proud of what you have achieved, and see if you can make some plans to get excited about.

Agree with everything here. Do try and see GP. I had an undiagnosed thyroid issue which really didn’t help with depression

your kids sound just gorgeous, so you are definitely doing something right. Reach out for support wherever you can. Don't put yourself down, it just makes everything harder.
Hope you find what you need to keep on going x

You sound like an amazing mum and you've clearly raised wonderful kids.

You're doing a great job OP

Your kids don't need swimming lessons. They need you as well as you can be so that home is a happy, safe and nurturing place to grow up. Seeing you sad "for no reason" will make them try to find one and smart cookies deduce it must be them if everything else seems fine. Hopefully you can get some professional support for your low mood but you're not alone and they love you!

You love your children and are doing your best with them, and you have raised loving and empathetic children. So many people are completely unable to even be kind to their own children. This has been a difficult couple of years, and it is hard when your mood is low and your health is poor to see clearly, but I hope you can get some support to help you see all your good qualities and heal some of the damage done in the past.

Hi OP, can't read and run. Please don't beat yourself up. Your children care about you and know how to show it so you must have done something right.

My childhood was somewhat crap, not as bad as yours, but I know the feeling of wanting to get over or away from it all, and it keeps catching up with you. It's hard.

Please try to get some help tomorrow and in the meantime cuddle your kids. Don't give up. Children are good at taking pleasure in small things, you'll find a way to treat them.

Op I feel exactly the same. I'm 41, living with my mum and have a low paying job. No relationship, no kids. Can't really see the point in my life at all. I don't have much advice. But it sounds like you're doing a great job in raising kind, sensitive lovely kids so you should be very proud of that.

Thank you everyone for your lovely kind words. It really means alot. Honestly though, I don't think them being kind and sweet is anything to do with me.

I think you are all right too in that I probably do need to see the GP just to even get my bloods taken.

I have found parenting very hard in the sense that I constantly feel I'm not doing enough, I've said the wrong things, I don't know if I'm messing them up. So many times I wish I could start again with them. There's no parenting manual. I don't have anything good to model it on and I really find the responsibility of nurturing them and bringing them up well quite overwhelming at times if I'm honest.

You sound like a lovely mum who loves her children, and whose children love her. There is nothing more important than that.

I grew up with all the lessons and holidays and material things any child could ask for and with a mum who was cold, unfeeling and cruel. I’d have gone without all of it if I could have had a mum who loved me.

Can you look into retraining? And work on your marriage?

EmbarrassedAllOver there's another thread at the moment about how well to support your kids and so many posters stated swimming, clubs outside of school, activities, books, hobbies - things all.codting money and I thought I can't provide most of that. The thread really did make you feel that kids actually do need swimming etc.

I think warmth is more important than all that stuff. Maybe tell them you feel sad you are not able to provide swimming or whatever, and then see what they say they'd like to do that is fun to do together and free.

OP I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, but I think your DCs just need you to be there for them and upbeat and loving.

Mine are now 18 and 15 and all our best memories didn't involve expense, just having a good communal time: movies (digital) long country walks, learning to cook meals with us etc.

A decade ago I was earning a fortune but it was during lockdown that I realised it was the simple things that made a difference to my DCs. Complete game-changer.

Some lovely comments on here op . Please speak to your GP you sound low and there is help out there. Your kids sound lovely and you are doing a great job.

I could of written your post. I have no idea where my life is going. You're not alone. I have suffered abuse in my life too. It most definitely affected me.

Sending a huge huge hug.
I hear that longing for fresh starts and clean slates. I hope this part of your journey is part of you starting to fully accept yourself and show yourself compassion.

What kind of help and support can you access for you? I've found the Happiness Trap book (based on ACT therapy helpful with managing negative thoughts and low self esteem after trauma, might be work a look.

Is it school holidays where you are? This often feels like an extra pressured time with kids doesn't it?

There are often lovely free things you can do with kids, your kids love you for you not all the expensive things you wish you could provide;

• library for books (there is a winter reading challenge they can complete online on the reading agency website if they like that kind of thing?)
• Walk with stop for biscuits and hot chocolate in a flask.
• Geocaching (download the app and find free treasure hunts near you).

-Museums/art galleries often have half term activities or trails.

• Charity shop shopping is something mine love, our hobby is collecting random retro games from charity shops and playing at home.
• shops like Poundland or the works do really reasonable craft or art materials if they are into a bit of that?

We don't get yesterdays back or a completely fresh start, but we can start where we are and make the best out of our tomorrows. It doesn't mean we will be anywhere near perfect but we can try to get the most out of them when we can.

Hope today is gentler on you.

You need a large glass of kindness, gentleness and compassion for yourself. You are doing your best, which is all that we all can do.

I encourage you to see your GP as it sounds like you might be helped with getting some talking therapy support with how you are feeling, and/or if appropriate, some meds too, to give you a bit of a lift.

I think we all try to be the best, and sometimes feel that might not be enough. Comparison is the thief of joy, and there is much you will be giving to your kids, that many aren’t receiving from their parents. I always make an effort for example to show lots of joy and enthusiasm when picking my little ones up from nursery and kindergarten, a healthy diet, warmed milk before bed, special banana pancakes on Sunday mornings, routine etc. It’s often the little things that are important, and i Iet my little ones know how much I love them, and how special they are to me everyday.

It sounds like you are having a rough day. This time will pass, and I hope you take some time to get some support, and be a little easier on you. Big hugs

Comparison is the thief of joy..... And for what it's worth we have an ok income and certainly don't do far flung day trips every month.......if you want to improve things what about retraining? Or picking up a second job? My friend earns an extra £100 pw doing takeaway deliveries a couple of nights. Its a lifesaver for them

Love, how are you not a fighter? Your back is on the ropes, you've been knocked down, and you're still in the ring. You're doing your best for your kids and loving them. You're there for them. What is success, if not that?

I hope you feel a little better after reading everyone's messages, and perhaps some of the suggestions will resonate with you. One step at a time. The first is just to be kinder on yourself.

The best thing you can give your kids is you! Your time and attention is what kids love, messing around, having a movie night altogether with homemade snacks made by all, walks looking at nature. Loads of free things done together makes memories not stuff or expensive days out or activities. As my kids are young adults now that’s what they remember stuff we did together. Don’t compare your life to others - you are their mum and are amazing as you are!

I don't want to glamourise poverty in any way but me and DH both grew up with very little materially compared to most and we both feel strongly like we had the best childhoods possible because we felt loved by our parents and used to have a great time just being at home with our siblings making our own fun. DH still cannot swim! The fact you are so anxious about ensuring your DC have a good childhood suggests they will feel similarly. But you need to make sure your own cup is full enough that you can be giving of yourself to them, go and get the help you need to do this. This crappy weather really doesnt help any of our moods and things will also feel better when the sun in shining.

Also, all the stuff about "needing" to do x, y and z for a happy childhood is total bollox, we actively avoid most of the stuff listed. Incidentally my DS told me yesterday he had the "best day of his life"; he spent it building an assault course and making a little camp with his brother and cousin out of household objects, they were non stop laughing all day. No money spent and memories to treasure.

You have broken the cycle and that's all they needed. You sound lovely, as do they.

My childhood was fantastic. Beautiful homes in multiple different counties. Private school, great hobbies. France 6 weeks every year, skiing, tennis, beautiful clothes, theatre once every two weeks etc

-………..NOT

Yes I had the above. But my father punched me all the time, called me names constantly, I was told I was stupid daily - despite having 3 degrees.

I went NC when I left an abusive marriage where my in-laws and ex treated me the same way and I opened my eyes and saw that my childhood was and is the issue. It wasn’t fantastic - it was abusive yet I couldn’t say that for the first 4 months of counselling. I just couldn’t. I had a wonderful privileged childhood except I was denied love and support.

I don’t have a 10 bedroom House, my children aren’t in private school but they are very very loved. They are far happier than I ever was. Wellies, walk and an afternoon with hot chocolate, colouring books and hot chocolate. Hang in there.

Show them that they are enough for you. Tell them why you feel sad. They seem lovely 🥰 but what can you access?? Free library, free walks, free nature trails, board games from charity shops, can you do a family running programme coach 2 5 K etc

See a sympathetic GP I got counselling through a local charity I waited 7 months and it is means tested - try.

Life is hard. But my eldest fondly spoke last night about her rock collection from beach combing for years and then made me cry as she pulled all her rocks out -she remembers collecting them. Memories were wonderful.

I had another thought re activities and your children. Girl guiding and scouts run fairly low cost / cheap programs. This is something you could get into.

And if you are struggling with ideas of things to do with your children at home or nearby, which is cheap, these ‘growing up wild’ programs have some great ideas, and should be lots of fun, for a range of ages:

www.girlguidinglaser.org.uk/challenges?in=pawprints

Yes if you explain the finances to girl guiding or scouts - confidentially there are funds in place to see that all children can go