To be sad how my life has turned out.

[PlasticPenguin]

I dont really know what I want from this thread but I have had a really rubbish weekend and feeling very low.

I know I'm being ridiculous but I really didn't think my life would have turned out like this. I don't know what it would have looked like but not this.

I had a very abusive childhood and I think this is the single thing that has changed the trajectory of my life forever. I know lots of people have had horrendous childhoods and alot of them have used it to become fighters and as a result they have become successful. But not for me. It has crushed me and ruined me irreparably.

I developed a mental health condition which wasnt diagnosed till my early 20s. I thought it was me. I blamed myself. I hated myself.

I have little to no self esteem / self confidence and as a result I have a low paid job, probably married the wrong person and unable to provide the childhood I wanted for my children.

That's the bit that hurts the most. I don't care about me anymore. But I really wanted better for my children. Even something small like providing swimming lessons for them but I can't. I would love to take them out on interesting day trips but petrol is expensive. I can only manage once a month if that. I know there's lots of things I can do at home but theres only so much you can do. We do as much as we can locally but it gets boring doing / seeing the same stuff.

I've even developed a physical health condition the in the last couple of days which makes me exhausted so even doing things at home is hard work. I just about manage.

My school friends have flourished whilst I've wilted and watched life pass me by.

I'm just getting tired of it and running out of steam. I'm exhausted by the sheer drudgery of it all without anything to show for it. Years and years it's ground me down.

I've just had a look for you OP (this storm is keeping us up here!) and the National Trust, the Wildlife Trust and the Woodland Trust all do free things for children or have free downloadable resources.

I know what you mean OP. My friends from school/uni are all in well-paid and/or interesting jobs and/or they're in amazingly supportive, caring relationships. They all also have great relationships with their parents and almost all have parents who can and do financially help them/pay for things like swimming lessons. They may have worked hard for what they've got, but they started 3/4 of the way up the ladder I had to clear bushes away to find.

I'm in an abusive relationship and I don't have a good job. And I know it is in a large part related to childhood trauma because how can anybody focus on a career when they have nightmares and flashbacks from childhood on an ongoing basis? How can someone choose a good relationship when a good relationship is so foreign, it's uncomfortable?

Sometimes when I'm feeling down I remind myself that a survey of child emotional neglect where I live showed that it was higher in the most affluent areas. Children there had nannies galore, had clubs and not only swimming lessons, but swimming pools. But they didn't have their parents' attention. I've also known of primary aged kids getting sick at school and the driver is sent to pick them up. Parents too busy - and only one works...

My parents both had abusive childhoods. One of them decided to feck off and leave me behind while the other was fecked off for not being able to feck off so took it out on me. All of us who have abusive backgrounds have choices in our lives. You've chosen to break the cycle in your family. That's one of the biggest gifts you could ever have given your children and their children. And while it should be the norm, it definitely isn't. Comparison is the thief of joy..sometimes..other times it can show us we're doing better than we think.

You're not doing a bad job of being a mum, not even remotely. But the weight of the past is heavy on your shoulders. You're carrying family life, adulthood PLUS that. Like others said, going to the GP for bloods and getting on a counselling waiting list won't do any harm, it may help reduce that extra burden a bit.

Hope your ok. Also look up things to do for free in your local area. There's so many free parks, museums, trails people don't realise. Often childrens centres and libraries run free activities in hols. But lots of play, games, baking etc at home is great too. Best thing you can do for your kids is provide a safe happy home and encourage them to learn and develop so they can aspire to be whatever they want to be. Also have u tried counselling CBTis good for negative thoughts. I also did a nhs mindfulness course which helped me learn to feel ok with crap feelings.

Sending you big hugs. You sound like a wonderful, caring mum. Treasure the note your children sent you as a reminder of how much they love and care about you. You’re doing a great job to have raised such compassionate, caring children. Love and hugs are free but they nourish the soul and that’s priceless and worth more than any paid for activities. I suffer from depression and I find music lifts my spirits. Can you put on some music and get your children dancing and/or exercising with you? Play silly games like make up silly movements in turn and have to repeat them like a memory game. If you forget a movement you sit down and the winner is the last one standing. My daughter’s favourite was hide and seek or a treasure hunt for hidden items about the house and make up clues of where to find them. Or give them sheets and blankets to make a den. When you’re flat out exhausted just cuddle up on the sofa with them and watch their favourite tv programmes/films with them. Don’t overthink things. Your love and time are the most valuable things you can give to your children. Give yourself credit for the things you do and don’t beat yourself up about the things you can’t do. And look after yourself because as others have said you are more important to them than things that money can buy.

So sorry, OP.

I also had a horrendous childhood so I totally related to your post.

When things were going extremely badly for me (I had picked yet another absent/abusive partner and moved across the world to be with him, only to be ghosted when I arrived), at age 36 I had a nervous breakdown, then shortly after developed a serious progressive disease, and realised that I needed to change and heal. I was so disappointed at how life had turned out.

Some things that have helped me over the last 18 months:

• Emdr. I don't think therapy usually helps for childhood C-PTSD, but EMDR does

• A youtube channel called the Crappy Childhood Fairy. www.youtube.com/channel/UCCZlDCbFTqHkzV_rUP4V5bg

I can very much relate and want to send you a big hug. If I only manage one thing in my life it's to give my daughter a good start in hers. Sounds like you're doing a good job with your children. Make sure to take good care of yourself too.

I work with children. There are some awful stories of neglect, parents showing no interest etc.
But what might surprise you is the number of children I come across who on paper go to clubs, have new clothes, go for days out etc but it’s clear their parents have little interest in them, not bothered to do their reading book, don’t have right kit (they have it just don’t send it in), don’t care if children in trouble or doing well etc.

Just remember that money helps massively but doesn’t ensure people are good parents and you clearly care very much for your children.

As someone else said there’s often free activities run by the children’s centres, libraries, getting out for walks etc. I know a few families who have gone abroad this half term and we can’t afford that but I try and put it out of my mind and remind myself how lucky my children are.

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