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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t understand why these women blank me

51 replies

BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 17:01

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible…

My dd was in the same year group as my friend’s dd but they were in different classes (we were friends from when our kids were toddlers). My dear friend has now sadly passed away.

She had a group of mum friends from her child’s class who know I was also her friend and came to her funeral etc. The thing is, whenever I see them around, they totally blank me as if I’ve done something really bad. I just don’t understand it. They don’t really know me at all tbh. I don’t expect them to stop and chat etc but a nod, smile, quick “hello” would be nice. I think I’m generally a nice, friendly person and get in ok with all the other parents from my own child’s class.

With one of them, we did a zoom quiz with others during lockdown and she was perfectly friendly amongst the group but totally ignores me if she sees me in passing.

Our kids are now much older and the only thing I can think of is someone has been spreading negative rumours about me (it wouldn’t have been my friend when she was still alive, she just wasn’t like that). Either that or my DD behaved badly towards their kids at primary school. One of their kids was bullied and picked on (think year scape-goat kind of thing, it was horrible) so maybe she’s just unfriendly with all of the other parents because of that.

It just feels so cruel and bitchy. I’ve lost one of my best friends and they treat me like shit. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it.

At my friends funeral, another mum from my own dds class turned up. She was a bit dramatic about it all but meant well. I didn’t invite her and hadn’t even seen her to tell her. They may in some way blame me for this but why would they care? It’s all v strange.

OP posts:

talkingbubble · 18/02/2022 17:07

Can you describe the way they ignore you if that doesnt sound too stupid a question? Could they maybe feel awkward because they know you must be missing your best friend and don't feel confident enough to reach out to you?
Or do you genuinely get the 'cold' vibe from them, in which case, there may have been some untrue gossip spread about you.

ChampagneLassie · 18/02/2022 17:17

Were you previously friends with them? Or just chatted to them at the funeral and now they're blanking you? I went to a funeral recently - there were lots of people there, I was introed to some of them and made polite chat. I doubt I'd recognise them again out of context. Have you said hello and introduced yourself when you've seen them and they've blanked you? It sounds like you're expecting them to do that first. Maybe they do recognise you but don't remember your name and feel awkward about it. I think its a bit of a leap to assume that people who don't talk to you have negativity rather than they're just busy / pre-occupied / haven't noticed you / don't remember exactly who you are.

kookievee · 18/02/2022 17:18

Are you sure these women would even recognise you if you've not met them often?

I've met a few friend of friends more than once but not recognised them when seen out and been surprised when one has said hello to me and started a chat-- then I had to nod along until I click where they know me from. I just don't recognise faces until I've met someone a few times.

RedCandyApple · 18/02/2022 17:20

Do you say hello to them? Try to speak to them?

cherrysthename · 18/02/2022 17:22

Sounds like they just don't know you.

Sorry about your friend

summersun29 · 18/02/2022 17:25

It seems obvious to me they just feel awkward around you because of your friend's death and just don't know what to say... A few folk have been like that around me following a friend's death.

I am so sorry for your loss

Original poster

BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 17:25

talkingbubble I do get a very cold vibe from the one who’s daughter was bullied. She literally walks past with her nose in the air. The only thing I can think of is that my dd has in some way been involved in some misdemeanour against her own dd. My dd definitely wasn’t involved in the school bullying, she was on a different class and I’d told her very clearly not to join in with it. I was appalled by the bullying but maybe she’s just being defensive.

OP posts:

Original poster

BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 17:29

Yes to be fair, they don’t know me that well but we’ll enough to say a quick hello…maybe they don’t say hello to anyone….another one who has twins so one in my friends dd’s class and the other in my dd’s (who wasn’t at the funeral) does say a quick hello but also ignores me when she’s with any of the others.

OP posts:

OakRowan · 18/02/2022 17:31

Some women you don't know very well dont say hello every time they see you and they aren't your friends, but you think they should be be friendlier, because you all have your late friend in common? Are you actively seeking their friendship, making an effort that isn't reciprocated or expecting too much from people you don't know well enough? Sorry for your loss, of course, but you are leaping to very negative conclusions about something that doesn't sound real, why would someone spread false rumours about you and you think this is the likely explanation? Overthinking, unrealistic thinking about what they might think of you, YABU.

Mandofan · 18/02/2022 17:34

Sorry yanu. They don’t know you, they just had a mutual friend with you. They don’t owe you friendship because of that I’m afraid

Mandofan · 18/02/2022 17:34

Yabu* god I wish there was an edit button!

HappyToSmile · 18/02/2022 17:37

Do you smile / say "hello" to them?

Original poster

BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 17:45

Do you smile / say "hello" to them? When I’ve tried to catch their eyes, they look away. Yep maybe I’ve overestimated it all and I’m just irrelevant. They do definitely know who I am though, obvs just not significant enough to say hi to.

Would like to point out that I’ve in no way been seeking their friendship but am generally a friendly person so do say hi to random people I recognise…maybe they just have a different way of being.

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 18/02/2022 17:46

So you don’t say hello to them but want them to say it to you?

SnakeLinguine · 18/02/2022 17:46

I'd assume they just don't know you, and possibly don't even recognise you. I'm sure I would pass friends of friends on the street without necessarily knowing who they were, with no ill intent. (And we're all still in masks on the school run here, so the confusion is rife...?)

talkingbubble · 18/02/2022 17:54

Maybe you need to speak to the one whose daughter was bullied and sort it out once and for all. There might have been a misunderstanding.

Original poster

BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 18:02

Maybe you need to speak to the one whose daughter was bullied and sort it out once and for all. There might have been a misunderstanding.

Was thinking this but she ignores me so it’s a bit difficult. Have asked dd if she was ever involved in any of it but as she was in the other class she played with different friends and was never really involved with it. My dad did also did go to the same preschool as her dd and the mum wasn’t particularly friendly then but say hello I think. So perhaps it is linked to my dd, my dd is very confident and can be overbearing at times but is not mean with it.

OP posts:

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 18:02

So sorry to hear about your dear friend and it must be very difficult to deal with. As for these women do not even bother with them and do not let them live rent free in your head. When I was younger would worry about stuff like that but now would stick my head in the air and not even look at them. Why would you want any acknowledgement from such snotty cows. Groups of women are the worse, think of Mean Girls, just embrace those you do have in your life and ignore those women as they sound like they think are better than everyone else. When I was younger would also overthink things as was nice to people but now older and wiser and perimeno so would not even say hello to women like that. It is a bit off that people will not say hello to another person if you had a good friend in common or offer some bit of condolence but please just do you and feck them.

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 18:05

What I found even more annoying when my son was at school was some days someone would say hello and then the next would just blank you. I am friendly also and would say hi if recognized someone. You cannot change them but I doubt your daughter did anything, they are just part of a group and do not seem very friendly to be honest. It is not you at all.

SisterAgatha · 18/02/2022 18:10

I have a mum like this at the school who is sweet as pie to her favourites and to everyone else is exactly the same as the Mariah Carey “I don’t know her” meme. She is actively and openly a total bitch though. She has friends who will be nice to you when not in her company though.

I think it boils down to some people are total bastards. Then others are peer pressure bastards. Sounds like you have a mix.

SisterAgatha · 18/02/2022 18:13

And I really have done nothing to bitch mum. She liked me at the beginning of reception but I didn’t contribute to the teacher collection because they picked rubbish vouchers. Honestly can’t think of anything else. She’s very in to looks so maybe I wore the wrong thing. You’ll never know and why would you care? Leave them to be bastards.

Chely · 18/02/2022 18:19

Stop caring and just pass them like the other parents you don't know.
The woman who used to live next door to us has a kids in the same year as 2 of ours. Completely ignores me but will say hi to DH, I don't like her either.

esloquehay · 18/02/2022 18:29

Hey, OP.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.
You'll probably never get to the bottom of why these women don't acknowledge you.
However, the only link between you, your children being at the same school, was your friend.
It doesn't sound as though they were your friends before your best friend died, and they are not your friends now.

Cam2020 · 18/02/2022 18:34

Who knows why people do this? Sometimes they're inconfident and closed off to people looking their way, sometimes they're in their own world and don't notice/recognise you, sometimes they just don't like the look of you and sometimes they're deliberately dismissive on a power trip.

Whatever the reason, they're not open to being friendly and that's that!

If you're the kind of person who is generally open and friendly it will always be a mystery.

BOOTS52 · 18/02/2022 18:35

SisterAgatha is right, there is probably a leader bitch and other's follow her lead and if they are on their own would probably be nice and are nice women but the leader of the group calls the shots and they must not upset her.. Was in a big group when a teenager but broke away as they were always talking about someone when they were not there and just thought they must be doing the same if I am not there. Prefer having different friends that meet separate but then again am bit of an introvert and do not feel comfortable in big groups.

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