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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t understand why these women blank me

51 replies

BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 17:01

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible…

My dd was in the same year group as my friend’s dd but they were in different classes (we were friends from when our kids were toddlers). My dear friend has now sadly passed away.

She had a group of mum friends from her child’s class who know I was also her friend and came to her funeral etc. The thing is, whenever I see them around, they totally blank me as if I’ve done something really bad. I just don’t understand it. They don’t really know me at all tbh. I don’t expect them to stop and chat etc but a nod, smile, quick “hello” would be nice. I think I’m generally a nice, friendly person and get in ok with all the other parents from my own child’s class.

With one of them, we did a zoom quiz with others during lockdown and she was perfectly friendly amongst the group but totally ignores me if she sees me in passing.

Our kids are now much older and the only thing I can think of is someone has been spreading negative rumours about me (it wouldn’t have been my friend when she was still alive, she just wasn’t like that). Either that or my DD behaved badly towards their kids at primary school. One of their kids was bullied and picked on (think year scape-goat kind of thing, it was horrible) so maybe she’s just unfriendly with all of the other parents because of that.

It just feels so cruel and bitchy. I’ve lost one of my best friends and they treat me like shit. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it.

At my friends funeral, another mum from my own dds class turned up. She was a bit dramatic about it all but meant well. I didn’t invite her and hadn’t even seen her to tell her. They may in some way blame me for this but why would they care? It’s all v strange.

OP posts:
Macademiamum · 18/02/2022 18:38

You could believe that they are conspiring against you and hate you. Or you could believe that they don't know what to say to you, don't know you well or maybe feel guilty and don't know what to do with that.
Or you could ask them?

Would you rather know for sure or tell yourself a story that might bring you comfort?

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/02/2022 18:59

Very sorry about your friend.

I am not sure why you are worrying about these women though. They aren’t your friends and they aren’t the sort of people who bother being friendly to people they barely know.

There’s nothing in it. Forget about it

Original poster
BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 21:42

Cam2020
“Who knows why people do this? Sometimes they're inconfident and closed off to people looking their way, sometimes they're in their own world and don't notice/recognise you, sometimes they just don't like the look of you and sometimes they're deliberately dismissive on a power trip….Whatever the reason, they're not open to being friendly and that's that!…If you're the kind of person who is generally open and friendly it will always be a mystery.”

I think it’s definitely more the former than the latter. They’re definitely not queen bee types….maybe sometimes people get caught up in their own issues and insecurities they can come across as being rude.

Nevertheless, it’s upsetting, as if my friend never existed. That’s why it hurts so much. If she were still alive this wouldn’t be an issue. Also maybe they weren’t as good friends of hers as I thought they were. I know they went for coffees, drinks etc a few times but mostly when she was not working because of the illness.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 18/02/2022 21:45

Sorry about your friend Flowers

In all honesty I don't think it's anything to do with that. The school gate is horrendous. I've never met so many odd people in my life. People will chat one day and blank you the next.

burnthur5t · 18/02/2022 22:24

Treat them as they treat you

SaySomethingMan · 18/02/2022 22:29

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

It does sound like you’re overthinking this. They probably don’t recognise you. If they do, surely you’re not losing anything through them not saying hello, nodding, etc.

Why is it bothering you so much? You weren’t friends with them before. You’re not friends now. Nothing has charged there?

Original poster
BadBiscuits · 18/02/2022 23:48

SaySomethingMan
“Why is it bothering you so much? You weren’t friends with them before. You’re not friends now. Nothing has charged there?”

I agree, they were never my friends and were never going to be. It’s just really awkward when I see them and they just walk on by as if I don’t exist.

I did actually fall out with another friend who I don’t think they know very well which was more just me creating a boundary. So maybe they’d got wind of that but only the other side of the story. Either way, it’s not really any of their business to pass judgement without knowing the full picture. Not a reason to totally blank someone.

OP posts:
RaoulDufysCat · 19/02/2022 00:52

If they're ignoring you, just ignore them and put it out of your mind. They aren't actually your friends so it doesn't matter if you speak to them in passing or not. YABVVVU.

I'm sorry about your friend, that must be a horrible thing for you. But these people owe you nothing and you are giving them way too much headspace.

esloquehay · 19/02/2022 07:09

it’s upsetting, as if my friend never existed. That’s why it hurts so much

Honestly, OP, I think you are being unintentionally unreasonable, probably due to your grief. Maybe you want them to be friendly towards you because of the link with your friend?
Who knows?
I get snubbed by some women on the school run and I've done nothing towards them (other than try to be friendly). I try to look at it from the perspective of people are busy with their own lives, stuck in their own heads, and not everyone has the insecurity I possess and perceived need for external validation!
Your friend is gone, these women are NOT a link to her, and you will probably never be on their radar.
Do you think you might benefit from some bereavement counselling? From personal experience, I can say that losing a best friend cab be just as devastating, if not more so, than a close blood relative.

SnakeLinguine · 19/02/2022 08:05

But I don’t think it has anything to do with your friend, OP. You clearly didn’t spend any significant time with that group while she was alive, and other than a few coffees and nights out, you don’t even really know how close your friend was to them. I’m not sure why you think her untimely death would make them start saying hello to you. Or are you saying they did say hello before, and have only stopped since the funeral?

Joinedforthis22 · 19/02/2022 08:18

With the mum of the bullied child perhaps her natural defense is to put up a cold front, it sounds like the bullying was really bad and the mum would have suffered as well watching her daughter in pain. It my not be personal or reasonable but she may now have a deep distrust of other parents who aren't her immediate friends.

A lot of people lack confidence, even those in with the "in crowd", so try not to take it to heart.

Also, so many people, myself included have "resting bitch face", as well as social anxiety.

Keep being you OP, but make sure you say hello, ask about their children etc and you might see the icy exteriors melt. Or life is too short, save your energy for those who are really important to you.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 19/02/2022 08:28

I'm sorry your friend died, you must miss her a lot. It's nice to be social and chat with a few people on the school run, and to be friendly at other quiet times walking around the area. It isn't going to be remotely fun to try to actively greet every single person with a vaguely familiar face on the school run however, that's hundreds of people by the time your kids are a certain age. These women don't really know you. They weren't your friends before, they still aren't your friends now and they won't be your friends in future. Instead of overthinking it and anxiously making up reasons for why they might dislike you, put your energies into talking with those who you are actually friends with, where you'll get something back from it all.

Ponoka7 · 19/02/2022 08:29

"Also maybe they weren’t as good friends of hers as I thought they were."
"I didn't invite her"

Was it up to you to invite people to the funeral, or have an opinion on who went? You seem to want to set yourself up as number one friend when none of this is relevant to your friend.
They might just not be as friendly as you. Lists of people don't let in to people who they wouldn't stop and have conversations with. As for the bullying, she possibly doesn't know who to trust on that one. In regards to bullying, others should be encouraged to counteract bullying, not just not get involved. So she may be feeling like others could have given more support.

Original poster
BadBiscuits · 19/02/2022 10:09

Thanks for everyone’s responses. I guess they just have a different perspective on social behaviour. It might just be their general response to school gate life. Personally, I just tried to remain friendly let it all wash over me. Perhaps their response is to not speak to anyone at all. It doesn’t make it any less awkward when they walk straight past me though 😏

They do know exactly who I am and I’ve spoken to some at parties etc. This is what makes it such odd, immature, hot and cold behaviour….I might add that these are not young women, I am middle aged and they are older than me!

As for encouraging my daughter to actively fight against the bullying. That is a very valid point. I think my friend’s dd was most likely doing this however my own dd was in a different class so not really involved.

My other dd wasn’t treated particularly well by her yeargroup (which was much more fluid because they kept mixing the classes up) and actually moved schools (although not entirely for this reason but it was a contributing factor) maybe they don’t realise this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadBiscuits · 19/02/2022 10:14

Ponoka7 I don’t understand your point. I didn’t “invite” anyone. I was a very good friend of hers, we were close. She had other friends, as do I. The DP of the friend who does was a bit annoyed because others were there (possibly including the women who now ignore me) but he has some sort of OCD and has never a particularly social person himself.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 19/02/2022 10:16

You're still winding yourself up @BadBiscuits, that's the opposite of letting "it all wash over". Why are you calling them "immature" and commenting on their age? Your child isn't in their class, they don't know you very well and they don't want to talk with you. They don't have to talk to everyone and don't owe you their time. Just find other people to talk with and stop getting in a tizzy about them.

coffeeisthebest · 19/02/2022 11:48

Have you sailed through life without anyone ever being inconsistent to you before OP? Or never realising that you do it yourself? Why don't you say hello if you want to without all this crap about how they respond to you? Say hello and then carry on with your day regardless of their response. I am so sorry to read you lost your friend but you are projecting a lot onto these women who don't sound like anyone who would be great friend material anyway.

Rosebuud · 19/02/2022 11:52

I’m so sorry op, the reality is they hardly know you and don’t give you any thought. Not out of meanness, just they hardly know you and so don’t give you any thought.

They won’t know this is so very important to you.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/02/2022 12:45

I think you're way overthinking this. They walk past you like you don't exist probably because in that moment you don't.
I have to walk past swaths of parents to get to my pick up point i don't acknowledge a single body. I probably do know some. If I see the ones I'm semi chatty with I go to them. I am not there to make friends.
Some friendships may develop but you are probably just not on their radar.

And you perceiving someone with their nose in the air is more than likely you looking for things that aren't there.

notanothertakeaway · 19/02/2022 13:27

On MN, there seem to be a lot of people who struggle with playground interactions, for various reasons eg not talking = unfriendly, an awkward smile = smirking, talking to someone you know = gossiping

I would guess these women dont talk to you because they don't know you. The lady who was polite on a quiz, that's just good manners. I don't think she owes you more than that

Sorry about your friend

OakRowan · 19/02/2022 17:54

After your update you are starting to sound a bit needy, passive aggressive, blaming them. Maybe you expect their attention as chief mourner, to be taken on by them now she is gone? Maybe you don't have enough else on and now you are greiving this has become an unhealthy focus. Are you like this with colleagues, friends from adult activities or hobbies, your peers? Your expectations of a daily chore of school runs becoming fulfilling friendships are unrealistic and not very mature, its your kids that all go to the school, not you and their parents, its just a task. If they weren't close before you all lost your friend it won't happen now if your feelings on here come out in real life, maybe they can tell how you feel by the way you actually too and don't want to be friendlier? They can choose, let it go, you sound unhappy but thats not their fault or responsibility at all.

OakRowan · 19/02/2022 17:55

By the way you behave too, not actually.

OakRowan · 19/02/2022 18:06

If you're not normally like this, forget about them and grieve, don't involve them or expect it, let them do the same, it does sound all tangled up in your loss, which is private and individual for all of you.

Sometimeswinning · 19/02/2022 18:30

I do think you started this thread as being clueless and now there was a failed invite (not your fault) A bullying incident (nothing to do with your daughter) and then a falling out (again you were blameless) You may believe all that but perhaps they see it differently. Either way there are a few reasons. Just focus on you and your actual friends.

LindyLou2020 · 19/02/2022 18:52

@BadBiscuits.........
I was going to say something along the lines of what @BOOTS52, @SisterAgatha, and @Comedycook have said.
It may be purely and simply a case of a good old parents' school clique. There was another thread on here recently about school-gate-mums excluding the OP.
There is something about having a child at primary school that makes women, (and I'm afraid it is usually women), regress to playground behaviour, as if they are once again children themselves.
Cliques form which can be horrible, and heaven help you if your face doesn't fit, for whatever reason. And you yourself can feel like the left-out child again.
I may be wrong in your case, but it could be that's all there is to it, and nothing personal against you!

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