Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my partner to come home

100 replies

stormynight1 · 18/02/2022 14:14

Partner got train to work this morning it's an hour by train 45 minutes by car. All trains where due to be cancelled so I suggested he drive if he really had to go or try and work from home. I wasn't feeling well this week and have just been on the floor crawling in pain to the bathroom loosing loads of blood and then just passed out my wall lining In one lump. I have had this before in the past this pain is awful although I'm feeling slightly better but have been throwing up from the pain and shaking. I'm not lying on my bed not able to move and I know there is nothing that can be done and will just have to ride it out. He's now getting picked up by his dad and staying at his. Even if the trains do run again which it looks like they are. The hospital and doctors can't do anything I already have morphine myself so I just have to lay here until I feel better. I just wish he was coming home to I could have some help with being looked after as I can't really do that right now. He's suggested I go to my mums but that involves me packing a bag and I can't even leave my bed now

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 18/02/2022 23:18

@Branleuse

I think either go to hospital or go to bed. Theres no reason he needs to come back in this weather
Agree with this, you don't sound concerned at all how dangerous it would be for him/his dad to be out, you just want him to come home, cook and clean for you. Yes.thats what a caring relationship should be, but it should go both ways, and you should care about him too.
Original poster
stormynight1 · 18/02/2022 23:23

Anyway I’m off to sleep sorry if there seem to be contradictions I’m not really fully with it today. He’s text me to say goodnight I asked how his evening was he said it was good and that him and his dad went to the local pool and snooker hall together which is a ten minute drive away I’m going to try get some sleep

OP posts:
haikyew · 18/02/2022 23:40

You can't be that sick
If you're "eating all the snacks"
You sound like hard work

Original poster
stormynight1 · 18/02/2022 23:44

@haikyew I went it to the living room with loads of snack’s managed the Pom bears before I was constantly sick

OP posts:
haikyew · 18/02/2022 23:48

No one who's that sick
Grabs "loads of snacks" to munch on
Hypochondria

SleepingStandingUp · 18/02/2022 23:58

I would be seriously seriously reconsidering if this was someone I wanted to be with. You're ill, you're in pain and he's having a laugh playing snooker with his Dad without a care in the world. At least if you were single you'd know you were alone with no support, instead of your useless partner texting you about how much fun he's having without you

BadBiscuits · 19/02/2022 00:01

This You have no children you have pain relief and you are in the sofa munching -why do you need dp home

It does sound really unpleasant but you are a grown adult and really can’t expect your DP to look after you every time this happens, especially given the exceptional circumstances with the weather.

If things do get worse for you, he is only a phone call away. There will be women all over the country that have to deal with similar all on their own.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2022 00:15

So because some people are single, we should never expect our partners to do anything for us? Op could pass out from the loss of blood, and doesn't sound like he'd even notice.

If DH was that ill, I'd want to be home to make sure he'd got some decent food that might stay down, that he wasn't having to get up and down every few hours for food and that I was there in case it got worse.

He chose to leave for work knowing there was a storm, knowing that op was ill, and knowing this way he wouldn't have to put himself to any effort.

Original poster
stormynight1 · 19/02/2022 00:17

Thank you @SleepingStandingUp that’s exactly how I feel finally off to bed now After managing to change my pyjamas

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2022 00:22

Sleep tight, I hope you get enough rest and he gets indigestion x

NextThreadPlease · 19/02/2022 00:23

It sounds like you just want him home and for him not to be with his dad. You do sound quite needy. There’s not really anything he can do for you, I have endo and although it’s comforting to not be alone, another person can’t actually do much. You have felt like eating and are capable of writing on here, so it seems like it’s manageable.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2022 00:27

You do sound quite needy she's ill and in pain, she's allowed to be.
There’s not really anything he can do for you,... it’s comforting to not be alone, another person can’t actually do much.* they can be there to comfort you and help you feel less alone, as you've said

You have felt like eating and are capable of writing on here, so it seems like it’s manageable writing lying down,not standing in the kitchen whipping up dinner

ThisIsEngland · 19/02/2022 00:39

@stormynight1

Nope no children currently on the sofa eating my way through all the snacks
If you've got from your bed to the kitchen to the sofa and eating your way through snacks you'll be OK for a while. I'm happy to hear the pain has subsided so much and hope you continue to improve.

As for your partner, and considering the storms, sounds like you've improved enough do be doesn't need to risk injury to come and look after you.

NextThreadPlease · 19/02/2022 00:48

SleepingStandingUp

And without the storm, he would have come home. His needs to be safe too. Maybe not ideal but she’s an adult, no kids to look after, she has pain meds and the hunger and the fact she’s capable of typing and making sense are signs she’s ok.

ladydimitrescu · 19/02/2022 00:55

I agree with those saying you just need to go to bed. Honestly if you can't make yourself some toast, you need to go to hospital.
I understand you're feeling sorry for yourself, I would too, but I think you're being a tad over the top.

SeasonFinale · 19/02/2022 01:20

If your mum and step dad are without power and as they are nearby why couldn't they both come to stay with you anyway?

Original poster
stormynight1 · 19/02/2022 01:24

@SeasonFinale I live in a 1 bedroom flat up 2 flights of stairs with no dogs allowed my step dad wouldn’t be able to make it up the stairs at the moment

OP posts:
Mincingfuckdragon · 19/02/2022 01:42

OP what stood out for me here is this:

I've said on the phone I would like him to come home but he's said he can't but that was earlier and he said I would be ok and to just enjoy the house to myself

Even if you are not deathly ill, he is being very passive aggressive by responding with "just enjoy having the house to yourself". Because if you don't enjoy it (and you won't, you're ill) then he's making it your fault that you couldn't 'enjoy' his absence.

My husband did this sort of shit for many years. I only twigged to what he was doing 12 months ago when I was so ill I ended up in hospital for 5 days. I called on the first night while still in the ED (after being given fentanyl and IV antibiotics) and he refused to come home from a conference and said "just get better and enjoy the peace and quiet". Like fuck off - he knew I'd been given proper pain relief and since when are hospitals quiet?? (FWIW we've been in marriage counselling for a year now and he's also having intensive counselling to deal with his PA and narcissistic behaviour - it's a bit better but by god it's taken a lot of work.)

Maybe read up on PA behaviour when you're feeling better and see if any of it fits.

Also (and I say this with love) have a think about whether or not you might present symptoms/illnesses as extremely severe even if they're say a 6 or 7 out of 10, not an 8 or 9. Because this will feed into him feeling justified about being PA or not taking you seriously. I had to be very honest with myself and realised I had done this several times in the past (in part because he completely ignored any discomfort I was feeling unless I presented it as very bad, but still it wasn't helpful behaviour from me) and we now use a grading for pain when discussing symptoms eg 6 is 'this hurts quite a lot and I might cry if I don't get some pain relief in the next hour or so", 7 is "this hurts a lot and I'm about to cry", 8 is "I'm crying". We don't discuss 9 or 10 as I can't speak by that stage Smile. I'm not saying you need this, just sharing something that has worked for us (I have a couple of chronic health conditions with varying severity of symptoms).

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 19/02/2022 01:48

He was 10 minutes away when he went out with his dad to the pub? If I've understood that correctly then I'd be seriously upset about it.

I don't think you sound like hard work. I think you sound in pain and upset and in need of some TLC. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be looked after some times!

RubyRedNails · 19/02/2022 02:02

And we wonder why women's health isn't taken seriously in this country. Hardly surprising when other women are so dismissive of a woman in pain wanting some sympathy and support. The mean and goady replies to a woman suffering a miserable condition are shameful.

If a woman posted to say her husband was at home in terrible pain with an ongoing medical condition, vomiting and miserable, and was she being unreasonable to go and stay at her dad's after work instead of going home, the responses would be completely different. And the storm passed over hours ago, so that's hardly an excuse.

Sorry your going through this OP, it sounds miserable.

NextThreadPlease · 19/02/2022 02:15

If a woman posted to say her husband was at home in terrible pain with an ongoing medical condition, vomiting and miserable, and was she being unreasonable to go and stay at her dad's after work instead of going home, the responses would be completely different. And the storm passed over hours ago, so that's hardly an excuse.

In a storm? There was a reason he didn’t come home.

Shes posting on mumsnet and said she was making her way through all the snacks. Then she was sick after a few crisps? Something doesn’t add up.
And if a mans story changed this much, he’d be accused of being manipulative to get her home and to stop his partner from being with anyone else.

If you feel hungry and can post reasonably long posts on mumsnet, you’re well enough to be alone, especially in a storm. It’s still very windy here.

Hopefully OP is comfortable and asleep now.

haikyew · 19/02/2022 02:36

Wonder if OP
Is currently wearing the
Dressing gown of doom

Migrainesbythedozen · 19/02/2022 03:03

I would text his DAD and explain to him you need him to bring him home.

I would text partner and say you need him home now, and if he doesn't come back tonight, to NOT BOTHER COMING BACK HOME AT ALL TOMORROW.

This would be a deal-breaker, OP. I'll be honest with you; I would tell partner he either comes back now, or he doesn't bother coming back at all.

It's really that simple.

Why haven't you texted his father?

CharlotteRose90 · 19/02/2022 03:40

We’re in the middle of a dangerous storm and you want him coming home. Beyond selfish. If you can manage to move about, get snacks and go to the toilet etc you don’t need him tonight. If you were that unwell and needed help you would call an ambulance to be seen at hospital on a ward. I have endo and have had episodes like yours myself. Sadly without the right treatment you have to do the best you can . If you were single the only person you could rely on is you. Have a good rest and if you still feel bad tomorrow go to a&e.

Migrainesbythedozen · 19/02/2022 03:43

@CharlotteRose90

We’re in the middle of a dangerous storm and you want him coming home. Beyond selfish. If you can manage to move about, get snacks and go to the toilet etc you don’t need him tonight. If you were that unwell and needed help you would call an ambulance to be seen at hospital on a ward. I have endo and have had episodes like yours myself. Sadly without the right treatment you have to do the best you can . If you were single the only person you could rely on is you. Have a good rest and if you still feel bad tomorrow go to a&e.
Wow.....
Swipe left for the next trending thread