Violent child

[CindyLouWho1]

My son is nearly 4. At the moment he is allowed to watch about 30 minutes of TV a day before dinner, which I think is reasonable, and all the things he watches are age-appropriate. At his nursery today they told me I need to stop him watching TV because he’s too “violent”. He doesn’t actually hurt anybody, he just pretends to be fighting imaginary bad guys, with lots of play kicking and punching. Anyway they told me it’s worrying that he likes play fighting so much and that he needs to “diversify his interests”. I said I understood and thanked them for telling me but I don’t know if I agree with what they said. I spend a lot of time with my son and I don’t think he is any more aggressive than any other child his age - he’s certainly not “violent” - and I don’t think he spends an unusual amount of time play fighting. More often than not he is busy playing with his toys, doing Play-doh, drawing or looking at his books. I really don’t think the play fighting is a big issue especially as he doesn’t hurt anyone or damage anything. However I appreciate that the nursery staff have years of knowledge and experience with small children that I don’t, so I wonder if I should take their advice on board. Thoughts?

(As this is in AIBU - to maximise the responses - I just want to say beforehand to those posters who can hardly wait to jump in and deliberately misinterpret what I’ve said so they can tell me I’m a bad mother, please remember that I’m a human being with feelings).

There were a few kids like this at my DCs school. The liveliest boy is now a professional rugby player, and one girl is now an Army PT instructor another is an outward bound teacher.

We don’t live in the UK so at the moment there are few opportunities for outdoor play due to heavy snow.

Are you British in Canada? I ask because there is a massive cultural divide in what's 'normal'. Soft play in the UK is the Terrordome in Canada.

It sounds like he is not having enough physical challenge.

In the nurseries and schools I’ve worked in we put a stop to ‘play fighting’ really sharpish. It inevitably ends up with someone getting hurt and it encourages a rough/aggressive play atmosphere which never leads to a calm environment.

However, I think it’s daft of them to say he ‘needs to stop watching television.’ If I genuinely couldn’t stop a child from doing it I would be talking to the parent about strategies and how we would stop the unacceptable behaviour.

So I don’t think they’re unreasonable to explain that this behaviour isn’t tolerated at preschool, and I do think you need to take them seriously, but I think it’s lazy of them to blame it on television.

Also I think there’s a difference between dressing up as a superhero and play fighting with ‘lots of play kicking and punching.’ The kicking and punching isn’t acceptable behaviour at preschool.

And of course for op, who sees him at home, she thinks ‘well he’s just playing, he’s just pretending.’ But what form does ‘lots of play kicking and punching’ take when he’s playing alongside other children rather than at home alone? It’s not a great thing to encourage or allow.

@StScholastica - that's very interesting! I'd love to read a study on the characters you see when they're toddlers and "what are they doing now"

My DS would be climbing the walls if we had to stay inside for more than a day or two, so your DS sounds a lot better behaved than mine if he's managing to cope with being stuck inside for long periods!

If the children can't play outside, the nursery should really be organising lots of physical indoor play, obstacle courses, discos etc. It wouldn't be surprising if some of the children are getting a little bit physical in their play if they don't have sufficient outlets for their energy.

he doesn’t play fight with other kids, he just pretends little animals or action figures or whatever are doing rescue missions and stopping the baddies, etc. Outside I have seen him actually pretending to fight his friends but he wasn’t the one who initiated that and they were all laughing.

This sound fine to me so long as the 'pretending to fight' doesn't spill over into actual play-fighting. If the nursery staff have a problem with this type of play because it's 'not nice', then they're a bit precious.

I wonder why they don't have the kids out playing in the snow? I've just been out having a brilliant snowball fight with DS5 and I was thinking about this thread, and how snowball fights are one of the almost universally approved of forms of play fighting!

The kids play out whenever they can. It depends what the snow is like. Can’t play out in a blizzard or when there’s ice everywhere or when the snow is hip-deep in the playground and they just sink into it.

That's a shame. I agree on the blizzard because that's just miserable but there's no reason kids can't play in ice or waist deep snow. I remember the last time there was a properly icy day at DS' nursery the kids spent hours pulling each other round on tarps, the videos were amazing. Waist deep snow is the best for tunnelling and snow caves. I guess this what a few of us are saying about maybe seeing if you can find a more outdoor focused nursery for him.
I think with indoor focused nurseries, wild weather can be an imposition; with outdoor focused nurseries it can be a gift.

This thread really surprises me as thr boy's behaviour sounds normal as to be unremarkable. I'd look into other nurseries where there's more emphasis on physical activity and they're a bit less precious. My boy isn't even particularly boisterous but I don't think this nursery would suit him.

Can they not get the kids shovelling snow to wear them out or is it too dangerous?

[quote Rebecca12356777]@Antsgomarching

It’s a small child what do you expect the mum and nursery to do kick him out of nursery? Wait till yours gets to school age it will be worse there..the things children come out with and copy.[/quote]
No, I would want to make sure my child isn’t distressed, so I would want the nursery to make sure that my child is kept apart from another child who is distressing them. DD is no walk in the park herself frankly but I wouldn’t gloss over it if nursery felt it was exceptional enough to raise with me. We’ve had to work on things at home, who doesn’t?

I didn’t say anything about chucking a kid out of nursery, as you see I also said that I don’t think OP’s son is a bad kid and that he probably just doesn’t get it yet.

@firstchopanonion I don’t think you’ve quite understood what kind of weather I’m talking about 🙂 I mean like -30 celsius, thick ice everywhere like a skating rink, etc.

My instinct is that his behaviour is totally normal but if they don’t like it we’ll go with what they say.

No, I do understand! I’ve lived in the Alps and the Adirondacks, I know what hard winters are.
But I completely agree with your instincts re his behaviour.

@Hoardasurass

Ignore them 30 mins of kids TV a day is not causing him to be violent nor is he being violent unless he is actually hitting or kicking someone rather than an imaginary bady

That's pretty unhelpful advice. The link between TV and his behaviour may be inaccurate but the nursery observations of his behaviour are important. They see lots of children and this child obviously stands out with his behaviour being out side of the accepted norm.

@Riverlee

“… with lots of play kicking and punching.”

This is the sentence that stuck out at me. Maybe he’s too physical around other children. You say he doesn’t hurt anyone, but maybe the other children don’t like his actions. If he is being overly aggressive, whether it’s okay fighting or not, the nursery should put in measures to control this.

30 minutes tv isn’t a problem if it’s age appropriate.

I think this is the issue too