Violent child

[CindyLouWho1]

My son is nearly 4. At the moment he is allowed to watch about 30 minutes of TV a day before dinner, which I think is reasonable, and all the things he watches are age-appropriate. At his nursery today they told me I need to stop him watching TV because he’s too “violent”. He doesn’t actually hurt anybody, he just pretends to be fighting imaginary bad guys, with lots of play kicking and punching. Anyway they told me it’s worrying that he likes play fighting so much and that he needs to “diversify his interests”. I said I understood and thanked them for telling me but I don’t know if I agree with what they said. I spend a lot of time with my son and I don’t think he is any more aggressive than any other child his age - he’s certainly not “violent” - and I don’t think he spends an unusual amount of time play fighting. More often than not he is busy playing with his toys, doing Play-doh, drawing or looking at his books. I really don’t think the play fighting is a big issue especially as he doesn’t hurt anyone or damage anything. However I appreciate that the nursery staff have years of knowledge and experience with small children that I don’t, so I wonder if I should take their advice on board. Thoughts?

(As this is in AIBU - to maximise the responses - I just want to say beforehand to those posters who can hardly wait to jump in and deliberately misinterpret what I’ve said so they can tell me I’m a bad mother, please remember that I’m a human being with feelings).

I work in a nursery. Generally when we tell parents to stop the child from watching TV it’s a big deal and usually because we don’t have faith that the parent is supervising what they’re watching or, more likely in your situation, gaming. Does he have access to another sibling’s gaming device / your phone / DP’s phone? One of the kids at my nursery figured out his dad’s password and was watching violent shows on apps & neither parent even knew until one of the girls saw he was trying to roleplay squid games with the younger kids.

@SuperSocks

Where is he getting the concept of 'fighting bad guys' from? Presumably something he's watching on TV.

Probably something like Paw Patrol...

@EvilPea

My son wasn’t a rough and tumble play fighter. But one of his friends brothers is utterly obsessed with super hero’s and fighting baddies. He dresses as a super hero, plans out home alone style traps, and generally plays these out with little figures he has.

To me that’s as normal as mine who had no interest.

I doubt a nursery would be bothered if it was something like that. It’s more likely that he’s copying age inappropriate fighting / he’s really worrying the supervisors. I don’t think we’re getting the full story here

What country do you live in op? That might have a bearing

He might be doing it at nursery because he's over stimulated by the number of children and the noise. The nursery need to find a way to redirect him to an activity that won't cause problems, like kicking a ball or playing in a ball pit.

This sounds like a child that lacks boundaries
The school has told you he is being aggressive
OP sounds dismissive of the school's concerns
And full of excuses that her son is fine
Having someone throw air punches at your face & fake kicks to your body is aggressive
I feel like if the OP's first reaction is dismissive rather than worried
Then it's a red flag that the child lacks boundaries
We all know that parent who looks on dotingly while their kid causes terror
Some parents are truly blind to the bad behaviour of their children
My nephew is a sweet gentle soul
Who would be truly terrified to be the recipient of such behaviour
By all means put him in karate or run him ragged in sport
But don't dismiss that there is an issue here entirely with a "boys will boys" attitude

@TheSandgroper

I’ll start by saying that I have no knowledge at all. But I wonder what their outdoor/exercise opportunities are like? Some boys just need to be out constantly using their muscles and brains doing boy stuff. These are the boys that become farmers, engineers, inventors. In primary school (in my day) boys would wrestle constantly. There was never a shirt with a full complement of buttons. But they were all fabulous boys.

Do they have big, outdoor blocks so he can build stuff and then demolish it? A sand pit? Does it matter to them how dirty he gets? Do they recognise early signs of restlessness and get him outside?

Blimey…girls manage to be farmers, engineers and inventors without using muscles constantly. So do boys that are not keen on outside play My boys were boisterous and loved being outside to let of steam, and didn’t turn into engineers ….in fact the eldest had an enormous concentration span as a small child as well, and ended up in communications for a job. ALL children benefit from outside play . Some will play up without it. Some will play up if they don’t get time to sit inside reading or playing by themselves. What a load of gender stereotyping cods wallop 🤦‍♀️🙄

My nephew was brought up in a loving home, free of violence. He had watched nothing more serious than playdays but still pretended to shoot people......with a breadstick!

My DS was pegged as the "naughty boy". After much hand wringing, we moved him and he's thrived. The new carers appreciate that he's high energy and needs outside time and to move move move. They roll with his needs.

I've since spoken to a few patents who moved their kids, especially boys. They favoured quiet, malleable things and didn't take kindly to his different needs.

@legalquestion1234
There’s usually 1 teacher and 1 TA in the reception class of 30. Every single one of the 30 children have individual needs. Some of them need peace and quite too. And some of them need what you son needs. The level of individual approach many parents want is not realistic in most of the settings. It’s not unkind, it’s reality. Please don’t refer to children who can adjust to the environment as “quiet, malleable things”. It’s a good and necessary skill to be able to behave differently in various settings. It doesn’t mean these children are any less than your son.

[quote okthx]@legalquestion1234
There’s usually 1 teacher and 1 TA in the reception class of 30. Every single one of the 30 children have individual needs. Some of them need peace and quite too. And some of them need what you son needs. The level of individual approach many parents want is not realistic in most of the settings. It’s not unkind, it’s reality. Please don’t refer to children who can adjust to the environment as “quiet, malleable things”. It’s a good and necessary skill to be able to behave differently in various settings. It doesn’t mean these children are any less than your son.[/quote]
But it's not great when children who struggle are labelled as "naughty" though. Sets them up for a failed school career when often it's the expectations of them which are age-inappropriate. Young children should be moving around for most of their day rather than sat still at tables.

[quote okthx]@legalquestion1234
There’s usually 1 teacher and 1 TA in the reception class of 30. Every single one of the 30 children have individual needs. Some of them need peace and quite too. And some of them need what you son needs. The level of individual approach many parents want is not realistic in most of the settings. It’s not unkind, it’s reality. Please don’t refer to children who can adjust to the environment as “quiet, malleable things”. It’s a good and necessary skill to be able to behave differently in various settings. It doesn’t mean these children are any less than your son.[/quote]
Agreed. It is expected for 4 and 5 year olds to be able to sit down quietly for at least some of the time. It’s how they develop the life skills they need like listening / concentration / emotional intelligence. A child playfighting all day by himself at this age isn’t the norm.

@ChocolateMassacre
Again, the reality is maybe not what it should be, but what’s next? Letting one child run in the playground and sending one member of staff there leaving the rest 29 unsupervised or lacking attention? Letting that one particular child run riot in the class while the rest are trying to learn something during the lesson? No one labels no one “naughty” but how can anyone require such level of individual attention, assuming the child doesn’t have one to one support? Surely the rest of the children do also need support? Maybe it’s too much too early in the UK, I agree. But there’s no practical way of it unless the government changes expectations.

First of all, you're not a bad mother but they see children all day every day so I suppose it's ok to take into consideration as to what they say.

Im quite cruel but my child can watch little bear or Winnie the Pooh, I won't have Peppa, Paw Patrol & Co in my house let alone, Spider-Man etc.

We've tried introducing other films but he's not interested but likes going to the cinema where they show the gruffalo or stick man etc

He's only allowed to watch TV at the weekend because it's only 2 1/2h from coming home from nursery to going to bed.

@okthx - I absolutely agree with you re school, but OP is talking about nursery. So it's a 1-3 ratio rather than 1-30. Her DS is still 3.

And I get your point about my reference to quieter children. But since having two very active children (boy and girl), it's heartbreaking if they're seen as irritating because they're not "easy" and they are treated poorly as a result. They both calmed down completely when they got older, but they weren't "sit quietly at a table colouring" type toddlers.

Especially in a nursery, they should be able to provide for all their little characters without labelling them.

What he watches will form the basis of his imaginary play. I found commonsensemedia an excellent resource for finding age appropriate shows because a U/G rating doesn’t take the developmental stages of childhood into account.

If he’s play fighting, I’d be massively increasing his sensory diet with deep pressure games and activities (Google it) and lots of adult led wrestling and rough play.

Swimming, ball pools, rolling down hills, rolling up and down the floor will all help too.

As a rule of thumb, small dc who engage in sensory seeking behaviours need more of that sensory need met.

Sorry but yabu. They see a lot of kids, they feel they need to raise this with you for a reason.

I blame Bing Bunny..

Spiderina That made me smile… DH is really opposed to having toy guns in the house, so we don’t have any, but there is no limit to the items that can be repurposed as imaginary guns… breadsticks here, too, as well as Lego constructions, regular sticks, pens, toothbrushes…

@okthx. I agree with you that there's not much teachers can do, especially with government targets and a ratio of 1-30. But I do object to describing young children who can't sit still in class as 'running riot'. They're being asked to meet a standard which is not developmentally appropriate and which is also not particularly good for them (young children shouldn't really be sitting still at a table for more than 10-15 minutes). It's no wonder some struggle. Their needs aren't being met.

[quote legalquestion1234]@okthx - I absolutely agree with you re school, but OP is talking about nursery. So it's a 1-3 ratio rather than 1-30. Her DS is still 3.

And I get your point about my reference to quieter children. But since having two very active children (boy and girl), it's heartbreaking if they're seen as irritating because they're not "easy" and they are treated poorly as a result. They both calmed down completely when they got older, but they weren't "sit quietly at a table colouring" type toddlers.

Especially in a nursery, they should be able to provide for all their little characters without labelling them.[/quote]
The ratio is 1-8 for 3 and 4 year olds, not 1-3! Work would be much easier if it were 1-3 though

Thanks for all the replies. To answer a few questions, he mostly watches Peppa Pig, Octonauts and Paw Patrol. However he has seen pictures of characters from certain films because his dad works in the industry and is currently working from home. He is aware of who Darth Vader is, for example, even though he’s never seen Star Wars, and he thinks he’s really cool. He also loves Kung Fu Panda from a book he has.

We don’t live in the UK so at the moment there are few opportunities for outdoor play due to heavy snow.

I spoke to the nursery staff again today and they said the other boys do the same so I’m really not sure why they’ve singled him out. They just don’t think it’s “nice play”.

I should add, he doesn’t play fight with other kids, he just pretends little animals or action figures or whatever are doing rescue missions and stopping the baddies, etc. Outside I have seen him actually pretending to fight his friends but he wasn’t the one who initiated that and they were all laughing.

It just confuses me because they send me photos throughout the day of him doing various things, puzzles and painting etc., so it doesn’t seem like he’s doing play fighting all day.

I will take their advice on board and see if if makes a difference but I do feel they are taking it a bit too seriously. Not all the staff seem as concerned as the person who initially spoke to me about this; others told me today thatthey think it’s normal.

Read: we don’t play with guns here

Omg what a load of over-the-top bs! Kids have done this since the beginning of time.
As long as he isn't hurting himself or others it's absolutely normal play and expression at this age. He's having fun, let him crack on.