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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to look at childcare options whilst on mat leave?

68 replies

bubbakasn · 16/02/2022 19:02

Hoping not to get torn to shreds for asking this!

We have twins aged 14 weeks. We are first time parents. DH works long hours away from home (leaves at 6am returns at 6pm). Both babies suffer with reflux terribly which means nap times are rare and more often than not one is awake if the other is asleep. Working with GP re the reflux issues.

At the moment we are lucky enough to have a cleaner come to the house once a week for 2 hours but to be honest I'm not sure how much it's helping because I end up sitting in the babies room with them for 2 hours whilst she cleans the rest of the house meaning I can't get on with things like laundry/cooking dinner etc.

We also have a much loved dog who is struggling with the transition and I'd love a bit of time to take her for a short walk on her own without trying to wrestle our twin pram down the hallway!

My parents are local but their help is very much on their terms. I.e Mum will message the night before to say she'll pop round in the morning (so I can't make plans in advance) and then when she's here I have to make her tea, let her sit on the only chair in the babies room for the entirety and she struggles with two babies so will call me into the room to help if one is crying or when they need to feed. (Both babies are bottle fed)

I feel like I could lose the cleaner and use the money saved to pay someone to come to the house regularly to sit with the babies to allow me the time to get on with things in the house and perhaps make medical/dental appointments.

Equally, our babies are so loved and the result of a hideous infertility journey and I feel awful for even considering a moment apart from them.

Has anyone ever done similar whilst on mat leave? Do services like this even exist??

OP posts:

ThanksItHasPockets · 16/02/2022 19:03

Sounds like you're looking for a mother's help. Very much a 'thing'.

snowdropsanddaffodils · 16/02/2022 19:07

I have twins so I understand totally how hard it is - depending on your area it might be difficult to find someone just for a couple of hours though? And I wouldn't have entrusted my twins at that age to a novice baby sitter etc. I think there is an organisation called homestart or something that is staffed by volunteers you could try?

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 16/02/2022 19:07

Bloody hell OP you have twins! That is a massive adjustment to make and I honestly can't imagine how hard 2 newborns at the same time is! YANBU at all! You need some sort of break, everyone does! If you can afford it, do it! Don't get wrapped up in mum guilt, it is a useless emotion just there to make you feel shit. And if anyone says anything negative, just ignore them.

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/02/2022 19:09

Mother's help weigh definitely suit you.

Yotrotro · 16/02/2022 19:10

I've no idea if such a service exists, especially for babies so young. I think a nursery would be your best bed but usually they need to go for at least a day or two a week so they get used to it and you'd need to manage drop offs etc.

I think your situation will change regularly in terms of naps and what you can and can't get on with, while babies are around. It's a tough transition becoming a mum and suddenly never being able to leave the house to do simple things as/when you need to. I imagine it's even more complex with twins!

Personally I'd get a dog walker for at least a few days a week so the dog is taken care of. I'd keep the cleaner but aim to be out when she's coming, head to a coffee shop or whatever. I'd also speak with DH re hours and see what can be done there. What's your plan for after mat leave, nursery or childminder etc?

Arewethebadguys · 16/02/2022 19:15

Singletons are hard, twins are a whole new level of challenge. Without the reasons listed eg time for the dog etc if you need to pay for help that's OK! You don't have to justify your choices to anyone. Happy mum equals happy babies just do what you need to to get through the days! Good luck!

Original poster

bubbakasn · 16/02/2022 19:16

Thanks all.

@snowdropsanddaffodils great to hear from another twin mum. I really hate the idea of handing them over to anyone at this age, that's why I thought someone in the house when I'm here most of the time might be better... argh, I don't know. I did look into Homestart but looks as if we fall between two areas that are covered and our district isn't covered

A dog Walker may be a good idea @Yotrotro ... I had thought about that fleetingly but our dog is old and I worry how well she'd cope with someone new. I guess I won't know unless we try.

Ironically the plan has always been for us to pay my mum to have the babies when I returned to work. This was the plan from before we fell pregnant but the second baby was a big surprise! Mum is saying when the babies are bigger it'll be easier and she'll be more confident with two, but I do have my concerns and we are contemplating me reducing my hours at work, putting them in nursery one day a week and Mum having them for the other 2 days... Mum says that she can't believe I'd consider paying nursery costs/letting the babies go to strangers at such a young age but I don't think she understands that not working isn't an option and that I do value my career.

Mothers help sounds like it might be what I'm looking for, hadn't heard of it before. Will Google. Thanks x

OP posts:

WitchWithoutChips · 16/02/2022 19:17

Yes, this exists. As pp have said it's called a 'mothers' help'.

Opalsandemeralds · 16/02/2022 19:17

Wouldn’t a couple of mornings in nursery be best?

ComeOnNow21 · 16/02/2022 19:18

I joined a gym with a creche when my son was about 4 months old. I'd have done it earlier if we hadn't been in lockdown. We've no family support locally so it was the first time he was away from my husband or I.
It was so good to have 2 hours to myself to swim / drink warm coffee and read a book. I think I was able to take better care of my ds because I'd a bit of time to recharge.
I also think homestart could be a good shout for you.

DockOTheBay · 16/02/2022 19:20

@Opalsandemeralds

Wouldn’t a couple of mornings in nursery be best?

I would really disagree. They're only 14 weeks old.

ComeOnNow21 · 16/02/2022 19:21

Ps I'd never set foot in a gym in my life before I was on maternity leave. The lure of the creche was what brought me in. ;-)

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2022 19:22

Yeah I think you need to rethink your mum plans for childcare if she isnt coping now. I imagine crawling and toddling twins are a whole new level. Perhaps a childminder once a week?

user1493494961 · 16/02/2022 19:24

I don't understand why your Mum has to sit in the babies' room for the entirety of her visit. Could she not take the babies for a walk, or both of you go out with the dog as well.

Original poster

bubbakasn · 16/02/2022 19:25

@Opalsandemeralds most nurseries around us are fully booked and with twins the price is double (think the discount is around 5%!) but I'd be looking at £70 for a morning, which is why I'm thinking someone in the home may be better

A gym with a crèche sounds genius!!!!!! I'm going to look into this!

Have placed an ad on childcare.co.Uk looking for mother's help

Thanks all X

OP posts:

Rosegoldivy · 16/02/2022 19:26

Another twin mum here!

Our boy twin also suffered realllllly bad from reflux so I can't imagine how hard you must have it with two of them with it.

Honestly I don't know how I got through those first few months. It's honestly a blur. Were lucky enough to have an early learning nursery here and after asking for a referral from our HV which she had to approve, I applied and put the twins into nursery and they were awarded two and a half hours into their baby room. Two and a half hours might seem like fuck all but it's a god send! (Don't know if it's a thing where you are, I'm in Scotland)

I also found getting out the house to go anywhere helped, I would walk with the buggy with my headphones on for hours just for the peace and the mental break from the house. Plan visitors and catch ups just for the company / help / break the day up.

Twins are now 9months and although it's more challenging now they are on the move, it's so much easier than the newborn stage!!!

Hang on in there it does get easier!

SarahAndQuack · 16/02/2022 19:27

If you can afford it, absolutely!

I think it's absolutely awful that mothers' mental and emotional health always seems to be ignored in discussions of what is best for babies. You have twins! You are shattered. I had a singleton, and I didn't have DP away 6-6 until she was over a year old, and I still wanted to chew my own hands off waiting for 6pm. It's brutal.

This is not you balancing your love for your babies against your own needs: this is you doing the best thing you can for your babies, which is making sure they have a mother who's supported as well as she can be.

Original poster

bubbakasn · 16/02/2022 19:28

@user1493494961 I'm not sure either. It's tricky as babies are still feeding every 3 hours or so and I never know what time she's coming so I can't really plan the morning. She always seems to turn up as I'm finishing a feed and then the next 45 mins or so is spent winding/cleaning sick... if I knew in advance timings I'd be able to feed earlier.

I should encourage her to take them out for a walk really, I think she just likes sitting with them and drinking tea as she sees it as Nanny time... but I would just love someone to come in and take over for a few hours, or maybe make me a cup of tea?!

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 16/02/2022 19:29

I'm a mum of 3 who's looking to make a few pounds....I'd come and help/babysit for a few hours during the day. I'm sure you'd find someone like me locally. As you are kn the house (at least until you get to know them) there is less need for the childcare qualifications. Heck I'd even iron for you if the babies were sleeping. Or do some washing up.

Original poster

bubbakasn · 16/02/2022 19:29

Thanks so much, gosh I could cry reading these responses I feel heard!

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 16/02/2022 19:30

FYI....don't change feeding times just because mum is coming over. Stick with a schedule for the twins and make your visitors fit around that.

Lasagnaface · 16/02/2022 19:33

You can also book a maternity nurse to do the odd night and, actually, you can often get babysitters who are nannies between jobs.

I arranged to have a postpartum doula second time round - six months in and she still pops in to help out.

FeliciaMcAspieGreer · 16/02/2022 19:35

Yanbu. One baby with reflux was hellish, can't imagine twins.

Be easy on yourself and get any help you can. Motherhood is marathon not a sprint and my child's reflux did not get better until 9 months, by which time I was out of my mind with exhaustion.

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 16/02/2022 19:37

I didn't have twins but had my first 2 DC with less than 2 year gap. I was a SAHM but discovered a local creche that I could use on a flexible basis. I lived miles away from family and DH worked long days. It literally changed my life! Nothing wrong with it at all. Means the time you have with your babies will be more quality time if you've got jobs and stuff out of the way.

iRun2eatCake · 16/02/2022 19:42

Will the nursery accept one day a week? My DC nursery had a minimum amount of sessions allowed.

Maybe consider a childminder or a Nanny Share?

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