AIBU to look at childcare options whilst on mat leave?

[bubbakasn]

Hoping not to get torn to shreds for asking this!

We have twins aged 14 weeks. We are first time parents. DH works long hours away from home (leaves at 6am returns at 6pm). Both babies suffer with reflux terribly which means nap times are rare and more often than not one is awake if the other is asleep. Working with GP re the reflux issues.

At the moment we are lucky enough to have a cleaner come to the house once a week for 2 hours but to be honest I'm not sure how much it's helping because I end up sitting in the babies room with them for 2 hours whilst she cleans the rest of the house meaning I can't get on with things like laundry/cooking dinner etc.

We also have a much loved dog who is struggling with the transition and I'd love a bit of time to take her for a short walk on her own without trying to wrestle our twin pram down the hallway!

My parents are local but their help is very much on their terms. I.e Mum will message the night before to say she'll pop round in the morning (so I can't make plans in advance) and then when she's here I have to make her tea, let her sit on the only chair in the babies room for the entirety and she struggles with two babies so will call me into the room to help if one is crying or when they need to feed. (Both babies are bottle fed)

I feel like I could lose the cleaner and use the money saved to pay someone to come to the house regularly to sit with the babies to allow me the time to get on with things in the house and perhaps make medical/dental appointments.

Equally, our babies are so loved and the result of a hideous infertility journey and I feel awful for even considering a moment apart from them.

Has anyone ever done similar whilst on mat leave? Do services like this even exist??

You do what you want love!
Honestly, people expect new mums to be at a baby’s beck and call. It’s ridiculous. Nothing wrong with hiring help.

In my culture it’s unheard of for mothers to do if all alone! If you google postnatal confinement new mums rest at home and a confinement nanny (not sure what the correct English term is!) is hired to care for them and help with the baby.

From what you've said about your mum, it doesn't sound like she'd be up to coping with two active toddlers, so I think you'd be right not to use her for childcare when they're older. I used to run a toddler group, and worried a little about some of the grandparents, particularly one older couple who came with twins - they wouldn't have managed it without both of them.
If she's really keen and can commit to two days, perhaps have them one at a time, to cut the nursery costs a little? (A friend's twins did two days each in nursery, but with only one day when they were both there, which seemed to work well.)

Having twins on your own is very hard!

Absolutely get help if you can. And absolutely get some down time away if you can, you are a person, not just a maternal function. They don’t need you with them 24/7.

You could also think about advertising at the local 6th form college especially those studying childcare. They might love the practical experience and a bit of extra cash.

If you're around to supervise it won't matter too much if they're young. I used to do similar in the late 90s but I think parents were more relaxed then.

Definitely buy in some help! I can’t imagine how you are managing right now. I struggled so much especially with my first who had reflux. And there was only one at time. I bought in help, fabulous help, and learned a lot about looking after baby too. I didn’t hesitate or feel bad about getting assistance with the subsequent children.

Fellow twin mum here. The first 6 months are incredibly tough. I spent most of the time unwashed in my pyjamas, eating biscuits, not knowing what ungodly hour of the day it was.

It does get easier!!! They'll start to fall into a routine between 4-6 months, which means you'll find time to shower, stack the dishwasher, cook and all the other fun-filled tasks on your to do list.
In the meantime stop being so accommodating, when your DM or friends pop over take yourself off for a shower or walk the dog. It will be a good opportunity to see how your DM copes with 2 babies.
I also have a cleaner and usually take my DC out for a walk (stop at a coffee shop if a feed is required) or visit friends/family.
As a Pp suggested I highly recommend visiting your local twins group, they're full of knowledge, support and usually have cake!

Wishing you and your babies all the best!!

I agree you should get some help. A mothers helper sounds ideal if they are able to look after the babies to give you a bit of time for yourself and maybe also do some light housework. The gym crèche is also a good idea. My best friend had twins and lived hundreds of miles from her support network so she used a gym crèche to get some time for herself, but she’d also put one twin in and take the other swimming then switch them over the next time because she wasn’t able to take both in together.

Thanks all.

Lots of good suggestions, had never considered splitting the twins to make the childcare situation kore manageable for my Mum. I should add that she would have my Dad with her most of the time and they are certainly not old... both still not yet 60, but even so twins are a handful I guess!

In response to people asking how I'm managing, honestly I don't know how I am. I feel like from the moment I open my eyes I'm just running on auto pilot, surviving on biscuits and my brain is racing. My back is in pieces as it was a difficult pregnancy and I never really took the time to recover from the caesarean, now with two refluxy babies I'm forever lifting one or both to try and alleviate their wind...

I have a good job with a lot of responsibility. But it was a walk in the park compared to this! Please don't think I'm complaining however, I know how lucky we are to have two healthy babies at home

I often said that my stressful and influential job was a walk in the park compared to looking just one baby OP! It does get easier but going out to work does still sometimes feel like a bit of a break 😆

Don’t feel like you always have to remind people that you know how lucky you are. It’s okay to struggle and find it hard. My twins are six now, but I remember those early days, with a husband working long hours and frequently travelling for two or three weeks at a time. We didn’t have any family help, and it was so challenging. You’re absolutely right to get some help if you can afford it. The reflux will be making things particularly tricky, and life will look easier once that’s a bit more under control.

I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned, but you might look on Facebook for a local twin group in your area. If they have a playgroup that meets, there will likely be mums of older twins happy to have a cuddle of yours to give you a break with a cup of tea. They might even be interested in being a mother’s help if theirs are at school. I also encourage you to go to playgroups or sign up for baby classes. I found that instructors were always happy to take one of mine, which gave me time to bond with the other, and the time generally passed much faster when we were out of the house. They also slept better after being worn out with singing and sensory play.

Hang in there! You’re in the thick of it, but it will get easier.

Can your husband look for a new job? That's very difficult on you and as the babies get older they will barely see him. If you're planning to go back to work how on earth are you going to do all the drop offs and collections etc?

My twins are almost two years old, and I'm a lone mum.
When they were a couple of weeks old, I googled "mothers help" and "homestart" etc, since I really needed help. But then Covid hit, and no one could come to help due to lockdown. It was very difficult.
Finally I got a live-in nanny to do nights 5 times a week (I was only getting 30-mins sleep some nights, and then non-stop days looking after the babies).
I never had any help during the day, so it was difficult never being able to go anywhere alone (due to lockdown, there was little I could do anyway). It definitely would have been amazing to have an hour or two free a week, to be able to just jump in the car and not have the weight of responsibility. So I recommend finding a babysitter for a few hours a week.

I know how lucky we are to have two healthy babies at home

You can love being a parent without loving every single thing about parenting . When my DS was tantruming in the town centre a few weeks ago because I wouldn't buy him something he wanted (properly screaming tantrum, lying on the pavement, top volume for effect), I would cheerfully have walked away and left him there if I could. You love your beautiful babies but that doesn't mean you have to love everything about caring for then or that you don't deserve a break occasionally. Children are full on sometimes and babies even more so.

Hi all
I just wanted to post a little update
I cannot state enough how helpful it was to read the messages of support and advice a few weeks back.

I've managed to implement some changes:

We don't have home start in our area but have another charity type function. They have agreed to send a DBS checked volunteer to the house for 1.5-2hours per week to allow me to get on with some bits in the house (or even catch up on emails or have a nap!) they aren't allowed to stay with the babies without a parent present, but this is perfectly fine for me.

My husband has reduced his hours at work so will be home early on a Friday afternoon. We have also agreed that there are days when he must be home before 4:30pm (accept this won't always be possible, but it's an aim).

After a heart to heart with my Mum she's given me some set days in the week she can help. As a minimum this will be 2 afternoons a week and I will not always be present during this time. She will also help out on Sundays if needed (if DH and I need to go to the shops or catch up on housework!)

I've joined a gym!!! Unfortunately the only one local to us with a crèche isn't accepting new members at present as it's very popular (maybe because of the crèche !) but I have found a new gym that has a coffee shop within it. I am also meeting with a personal trainer this week. These sessions will coincide with my Mum having the twins as well as when DH is home from work.

Posting because I know sometimes I read old threads and wonder what happened next. If you're reading this and feeling the same level of despair that I was a few weeks ago, please know that there is help and support out there... you just have to swallow your pride and ask xxx

Excellent update OP, you are a woman of action, that’s a lot of positive changes in a few weeks 😁

I’m especially glad to hear that your husband is starting to take his responsibilities for the children seriously and has changed his work hours. Hopefully he will continue this and perhaps go to 4 days a week / one day working from home when you go back to work .

That would allow you to go back 4 days too and only need child care for 3 days. I suspect you need to look for paid childcare ( not your mum ) for those 3 days and perhaps keep family for emergencies / sick days.

There’s always quite a lot of these when babies start in child care and I assume it’s worse with twins as they pass bugs to each other and don’t have the immunity from older siblings.

Please don’t be guilt tripped into making all the career sacrifices yourself for the children. It moves very quickly from

“ I appreciate everything you do with the children “ to

“ Why should I do any childcare / housework when you are the one who works part time ? “ to

“ You need to stop sponging off me and pay your way”.

Yes childcare is expensive. But it’s much cheaper than the alternative of you losing out on wages, career progression and pension.

Keep the cleaner.

That's so good to hear. DH worked away a lot when mine were small so even though I was a SAHM having some regular childcare was life changing in how I felt. Knowing I could rely on having some time to get things done meant time with the DC was much less stressful too.

Another mum of twins here :) mine were born Feb 2020….. we all know what happened in March 2020 🤣 it was horrible, it’s very hard looking after twin babies all on your own.
Sounds like you’ve put some brilliant plans in place - my advice until I saw the update was to be honest with your mum! I had some regular ‘Nana’ days that summer when we bubble’d up and I’d just go and walk with the dog on my own for ages!!
Mine went to nursery 2 days a week from 10 months old and also absolutely love that. Those days are the BEST at home too, it’s so lovely and peaceful 🤣

Good luck with everything OP. Twins are hard hard work but with every passing stage in that first year things get marginally easier… my T2 had reflux and he grew out of it when he was weaned! It won’t last forever. You’re doing great.