I had wanted always to live in Cornwall, after spending so much time there. Finally I had the opportunity to, after many years.
I lived in what I considered to be among the most beautiful and scenic part of Cornwall.
Every day I kept thinking 'This is too good to be true'. I also worried that something would go wrong and it would all end. The old saying about 'if something is too good to be true, it usually is'
I had previous to living in Cornwall, a very deeply troubled and unhappy past, in a grim part of this country.
Moving to Cornwall was a new start, a new me, and it was blissful. I felt like I could be happy and that my life did not have to be so dreadful constantly. Every day, in all types of weather, it was so beautiful. Never in my life had I been so contented. It was a first.
Fast forward, and my tenancy came to an end due to the Landlord wanting to sell up. He was very good with me and gave me plenty of time.
I could not find anywhere to rent that was affordable, and what was affordable were places that were even worse than what I had left behind!
My wages would barely touch some of the huge rents and that was before bills.
The local Council could not help as I was from another area, and I understood that. There are enough people born and living in Cornwall who cannot get accommodation.
There was nothing else to do but return back to where I had left, back to the miserable area, and move in with an ex.
I have no one, no friends or family, but that does not bother me and never has. I am better without others in my life, due to the past.
Every morning, I wake up crying. I barely sleep and eat. I am on anti depressants but have been on those for a long time.
I shake constantly. I am on a downwards spiral, and as someone who has a lifetime of mental health illness since being a child, I know when I am getting worse.
It is dreadful having to leave Cornwall when on holiday, but imagine living there for a long time and then having to return to a dismal built up area with constant noise and traffic fumes, where the only view is cars and run down terraced houses. Where the only scent is one of car fumes and chips? Where the neighbours scream and shout?
I lived looking out over the sea, surrounded by countryside, and animals. The air smelt of sea breeze and fresh green grass, and nature.
The only noise was that of the sea and animals.
Today I felt like I have no chance of ever returning, and if this is all there is for me now, at 58 years old, then I am not continuing much longer.
All I want, and please be kind, are some helpful suggestions, because I cannot think of anything anymore of how I can return to this place where I was so happy.
Has anyone else been through anything similar?
Am I being unreasonable in how I am feeling?
Thank you for reading my depressing post.