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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to inlaws wedding

100 replies

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 14:24

Posting on here for traffic

Recently me and dp have been on/off sick for alot of different reasons. Mainly catching things and unfortunate events. Im a sahm and he works full time. Whenever he has time off as he is self employed we have no money to cover the sick days. These past couple of months have been tight and his sick days have meant me forking into my savings to afford stuff for our dc.

Dps brother is getting married next month. He has invited over ahundred guests. I get high anxiety as it is in croeds non covid related aside. I cant enjoy myself when it is busy and instead the days out usually become stressful and a blur. Me and dp have luckily not caught covid. But my worry is going to this inside venue with all these people not being able to wear a mask ( i still do) or socially distance.

The thing is if either of us get ill again we cant afford another day off let alone week. I cant ksep us afloat as a these sick days are eating into my savings. Our dc is only short of one yrs old and if i become ill i know it will be me having to look after dc alone.

The stress of this all is just eating me up. I have communicated my financial and health worries to dp but neither of us know what to do about it.

I dont want him to miss out on his brother's wedding but im hesistant to go.

Suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:

rookiemere · 16/02/2022 20:10

Sorry OP you really do need to go to the doctors about your health anxiety. It's understandable - the last couple of years have been tough and we've had so many messages about how bad Covid is, but do you genuinely think we'd be out of lockdown if it's as big a risk as you seem to believe?

You sound very much like my DM, but she is in her 80s so I have to make some allowances.

Sorry I don't want to sound harsh, but you've rationalised all this and your thinking seems a bit illogical.

HeddaGarbled · 16/02/2022 20:17

This is a very special occasion in your husband’s family and you have already spoiled the anticipation of it for him. If you don’t go, everyone will remember, probably for the rest of your lives.

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 21:00

Wow. What is it with mns and weddings. I came on here for advice and told you all my genuine co cerns and anxities and you have all shot me down and accused me of excuse making. I have never explained my worries in person other than to dp but clearly i wont bother anymore because apparently the only thing that matters is this wedding and not me. Its not enough that im supporting dp to go you alll want me to get over myself and tag along for who exactly? Dp would understand so i dont get why you lot wont.

Im done here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 21:02

Also the amount of you that feels its acceptable to be so overly opinionated on a snippet of my life is disgusting. You dont know why i dont work ( not that its none of your buisness) and apparently my side job isnt enough? Ridiculous tjere are plenty of woman on here that cant afford childcare and work part time whilst being primary career. Im not having random people think they can belittle me or make me feel im not being good enough whilst all i have done is financially support me and dc whilst dp has been focusing on his money on himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 21:04

@Ratherdogsthanpeople i have two. Its called being a full time mum and part time worker.

OP posts:

Justtobeclear · 16/02/2022 21:04

I’m a little confused as to your actual relationship. He’s fully supporting you as a SAHM but it’s not serious? Presumably you live together and have a child so most people would consider they were in a serious/committed relationship. Could this just be an excuse because you don’t really want to be with him and so don’t want to integrate with his family?
I think you really need to get help for your anxiety- this will be incredibly damaging for your child if you continue with some of the behaviours and thoughts you’re describing here. Also, what will you do if he wants to take dc with him (which he is well within his rights to do)?

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 21:10

@Justtobeclear

We live together but we have had alot of ups and downs, we are only 22 and first relationship, all this is hence why i dont feel its that serious. He doesnt really bother with my family. He is fine with them if we have to meet them but he doesnt go above and beyond for them. I meet his family and would say I put more effort in. I had a wedding to go to on my side of the family that he showed no enthuasim for and we agreed we didnt have the money nor felt comfortable taking dc because it was a big wedding. Given it was a distant relative but I still feel like there isnt much effort on my side of the family.

OP posts:

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 16/02/2022 21:19

Op in the kindest way possible it does seem like you just aren't arsed going. You cite 2 reasons for not going: 1 the financial impact of if your DP gets sick and cant work, this is completely irrelevant here as whether you go or not your dp will still have that risk. Reason 2 you don't want to risk getting sick and not being able to parent your child or pass it on to vulnerable family members. This is a genuine fear and therefore you need to decide whether you can accept the small risk that you will catch it and be so ill you can't mind your dc. The thing is that the likelihood of this happening now with the omicron variant and vaccinations is extremely slim. Myself, DH and our 3 young kids have just had it and the worst part was the isolating. I think this may be the reason that some are suggesting you may have some health anxiety.

At the end of the day if your anxiety around being well is going to keep you from the wedding then decline but be honest about the reason why. Then at least your partners family could somewhat understand even if they disagree....im sorry future BIL every time I think about attending I have severe anxiety and panic and I don't want to ruin yours or dp's day due to my anxiety. I love you and wish you the best day but its probably best if I stay home with baby.

This will also mean that you cannot attend any other event or your in laws will think you have just made an excuse. If your anxiety is that high around covid it may be time to see your GP. I do sympathise as I did have severe anxiety when I was on maternity leave also and looking back I was completely OTT. But I had nothing else in my life to distract me from the worry of the dc or my parents getting sick. Its was a very dark time for me and I feel I am only coming out of it over the past 6 months maybe and wish I had looked for some advice or help earlier. Good luck OP.

Ratherdogsthanpeople · 16/02/2022 21:24

[quote Mallary34]@Ratherdogsthanpeople i have two. Its called being a full time mum and part time worker.[/quote]
Well, you obviously can’t afford to be a sahm and working part-time if you can’t afford to go to a family wedding as a family. In case you get sick.

ManicPixie · 16/02/2022 21:26

I think you have anxiety issues beyond just this wedding and should examine how to overcome them. The world is slowly returning to normal whether you like it or not.

Ratherdogsthanpeople · 16/02/2022 21:30

@ManicPixie

I think you have anxiety issues beyond just this wedding and should examine how to overcome them. The world is slowly returning to normal whether you like it or not.

People will use it as an excuse for years and years.

heyitsthistle · 16/02/2022 21:30

Can you go along for the ceremony, and he stays for the day but wears a mask and is sensible?

If it helps I've been travelling by (busy) train into London a fair bit recently, more than two hours each time, but haven't yet caught Covid, or even a cold.

britneyisfree · 16/02/2022 21:32

Wow you're 22!!!

I scan read all your posts and had an image in my head that was totally wrong.

Just shows how we all make judgements.

Anyhow. I didn't notice if you said you had underlying /CEV concerns but I don't think you did.
If you don't you should just go. Why do you even mention 'missing out' when you're the one with the issue?

And if he catches covid he might give it to you anyway so why do you think your risk is less by not going?

Chestofdraws · 16/02/2022 21:42

Gosh you’re only 22? What a lot of responsibility and worry on someone so young.

Can I ask what’s wrong with your partner that he’s so sick often? Is it something thay makes him vulnerable to Covid? Are you cev? Are you both vaccinated.

If you’re noth healthy and vaccinated then the risk is minute even if you do catch it, it’s at worst like a minor cold for most. Does he have an underlying health issue thay makes him vulnerable, do you? Is that’s what’s causing your anxiety about Covid and how sick you’ll both be?

tearinghairout · 16/02/2022 21:43

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to not go to the wedding. Get DH to go on his own. Saying people will "remember it for years" is ridiculous. I don't think people understand how debilitating it can be if you don't like crowds or feel claustrophobic or agoraphobic. Or you could research how to deal with claustrophobia and panic attacks and maybe just go for the ceremony?

I've been in your position and have gradually got better. I can now, for instance, be on a crowded train in a tunnel without giving it a moment's thought, but it's taken me a long time to get to that.

milkyaqua · 16/02/2022 21:48

I think you should look after yourself and not go. Not wanting to go because of the number of guests and anxiety about catching a virus during a pandemic seems reasonable to me, because I can relate. Not wanting to go is reason enough to not go, anyway.

Chestofdraws · 16/02/2022 21:50

I would add though op, I do think you need to talk to your doctor. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and help is available. You’ve obviously got a lot going on, anxiety, agoraphobia etc. in addition to you have a support network? Parents, siblings? Anyone who can help you try to be calm and who you can talk to, even maybe come with you to thr doctor?

milkyaqua · 16/02/2022 21:50

Well, you obviously can’t afford to be a sahm and working part-time if you can’t afford to go to a family wedding as a family. In case you get sick.

That is really snide.

BoristalkedaboutBruno22 · 16/02/2022 21:54

Your in laws won’t want much to do with you after this

LagunaBubbles · 16/02/2022 22:06

Has your DP got a serious illness or something?

Normandy144 · 16/02/2022 22:20

You do appear to be catastrophising and making excuses. You can't live your life in this restrictive way based on the fact you might get ill. You have a part time job lined up so if, and it's a very big if, either of you gets sick you can manage for a few days and any money you take from savings can be quickly replaced from your new job. It's concerning that you have a child with your DP but don't consider you to be overly serious about the relationship. It would bother me immensely if my DH felt he could opt out of significant family events and vice versa. Going to the wedding is a way to show your support to him. Likelihood is that in a month we won't have to isolate anyway and if rules are still in place then you can claim for financial assistance. For most people Omicron is very mild so chances are you'll be absolutely fine.

Glitterygreen · 17/02/2022 14:33

@Mallary34

Im done here.

I think it's just because you asked the question OP, though not denying some people have been really rude here about you not working etc. That is not our business.

Aside from that, mainly people are just saying that they would attend this wedding given it is close family, and that most wouldn't feel this level of anxiety over getting ill from attending an event. You did ask for suggestions on what to do. I guess the comments on your work are coming from a place of giving you more financial breathing space so you wouldn't feel so anxious about DP having to be off sick.

However, you have said your DP is fine with you not attending and you don't want to go so seems like that's problem solved.

Iwannabewherethepeopleare · 18/02/2022 02:39

In the nicest way I find it really concerning that a 22 year old is worrying about covid to this extent. Especially now that it seems to be more like a cold. What I mean is once Covid has gone, there’s going to be so many people scared to live. It’s sad. Bloody Covid. And media scaremongerers. A lot to answer for. I think you should seek some counselling. That’s not snide. I’ve had it for anxiety too. So that the fear is no longer disproportionate.

StellatheCat · 18/02/2022 02:55

I would say if you are this stressed don’t go. Let him go and hope for the best. In my experience stressed guests don’t make a good wedding guest! Plead a clingy baby and no childcare. Lateral flows and good hygiene. Or a last minute bug. If you’re not already close no harm done. Best wishes x

StellatheCat · 18/02/2022 03:08

Oh and also? A one year old? Having a baby during covid is fucking scary. Maybe you do need extra support from the GP right now would be helpful. But so that you can live your life not attend a wedding. This one day for them isn’t worth this stress for you x

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