Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not want to go to inlaws wedding

100 replies

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 14:24

Posting on here for traffic

Recently me and dp have been on/off sick for alot of different reasons. Mainly catching things and unfortunate events. Im a sahm and he works full time. Whenever he has time off as he is self employed we have no money to cover the sick days. These past couple of months have been tight and his sick days have meant me forking into my savings to afford stuff for our dc.

Dps brother is getting married next month. He has invited over ahundred guests. I get high anxiety as it is in croeds non covid related aside. I cant enjoy myself when it is busy and instead the days out usually become stressful and a blur. Me and dp have luckily not caught covid. But my worry is going to this inside venue with all these people not being able to wear a mask ( i still do) or socially distance.

The thing is if either of us get ill again we cant afford another day off let alone week. I cant ksep us afloat as a these sick days are eating into my savings. Our dc is only short of one yrs old and if i become ill i know it will be me having to look after dc alone.

The stress of this all is just eating me up. I have communicated my financial and health worries to dp but neither of us know what to do about it.

I dont want him to miss out on his brother's wedding but im hesistant to go.

Suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 16/02/2022 15:02

@Mallary34

I know dh needs to go. I said that in my op. Im asking suggestions around help for financially as we cant afford more sicks days and the stress of not been able to afford food is alot.

Also im asking for advice on what i should concerning my anxiety. And whether it is acceptable that i miss out

Do you feel your anxiety might improve if you got back in the driving seat, income-wise, by getting back to work?

BuritoCat · 16/02/2022 15:04

Your DH needs to go, it's his brothers wedding.

Maybe you need to seek help for your medical anxiety?

CrimbleCrumble1 · 16/02/2022 15:06

Have you approached your doctor and asked for help with your anxiety? Try to be proactive and help yourself.
Also read up on how ill people are getting from Covid at the moment.

RedHelenB · 16/02/2022 15:11

See your gp and go. Yabu.

Opus17 · 16/02/2022 15:11

Yabu. It's his brother's wedding.q

DelphiniumBlue · 16/02/2022 15:16

You do seem overly anxious. You have savings, DP is working fulltime. You have a young baby ,not sure what you meant by " his sick days have meant me forking into my savings to afford stuff for our dc." What "stuff" do you mean? Are you talking about food and milk, or optional extras?
What sick days are you talking about? You are a SAHM, so you don't need sick days, and most self-employed people only take sick days if they literally can't get out of bed. Fully jabbed people haven't needed to isolate for a while now unless they actually have Covid. Is DP's attitude to work concerning to you?
If you are worried about money, then as lots of people have suggested, you could look into getting a job so that you are contributing to the household income.
But it's not OK to be using all this as an excuse not to go to DP's brother's wedding.It will impact for family relations for years.
As for not liking crowds, there's ways of managing it - crowded shops are very different from a venue where you can sit down with family and friends at a table . Maybe you can find out in advance who you can sit with, maybe there's some aunty or granny who you can sit quietly with if that's what you want to do. You'll probably have the baby with you, so you can focus on him/her, and even use the baby as an excuse to go early if you need to ( don't drag DP away, though).

fabulousathome · 16/02/2022 15:17

Can you go and agree with DP that you can leave at anytime?

DP can stay and you can just say you feel unwell and take the DC home with you?

If you feel in control of how long you stay there then it's easier to attend.

Blossom64265 · 16/02/2022 15:17

If you had an underlying health condition that makes you especially vulnerable to covid, then the brother should have considered planning a wedding that was safe for you to attend since you are a key family member. However, you don’t. The advice of every medical organization says that you can attend this wedding. Get a good quality mask and get on with it.

If you really don’t want to go, do not stop your husband from attending. Missing a siblings wedding could permanently damage the relationship.

Gazelda · 16/02/2022 15:20

Are you able to live on a very tight budget until the wedding, so that you have a little fund in case of illness?

Are you claiming every benefit you're entitled to? Has anyone double checked for you?

Are you getting help for your anxiety?

I think you should do absolutely everything you can to enable DP to go to wedding,preferably with you as a family. You don't need to take a gift (his family will be aware you've had a tough few months financially ), do t sorbs loads in drink or stay over in a fancy hotel. Borrow an outfit if you don't have anything suitable.

Take some control and plan some contingencies. And try to enjoy yourself.

AdultingInTheCountryside · 16/02/2022 15:24

I think the reason deep down is because you don’t like crowds. If you don’t want to then fine but your partner definitely should.

Hadjab · 16/02/2022 15:28

Honestly, one hundred people at a wedding really isn't actually that much of a crowd. In terms of your anxiety, if you imagine everyone seated for the meal, it's ten tables of ten, probably quite well spread out. You're probably not going to get all of the guests on the dance floor at any one time, probably more like a quarter. Regarding covid, you'll probably find a fair few of the guests will be wearing masks. Covid numbers are falling rapidly - if you've had your jabs, you're less likely to be ill if you get it.

From a monetary point of view, self isolation is ending soon, if your partner does get it, he doesn't necessarily need to not go to work if he's well enough. Unpopular view, I know, but if it's a choice between working and starving, it's a choice millions will be making.

saraclara · 16/02/2022 15:39

I'm sorry, but there really is nothing in your OP that is a good enough reason not to go to your DH's brother's wedding.

Apart from the ceremony and any sit down meal, there should be plenty of opportunities for you to go outside (or simply outside the main room) if you feel stressed. Even at my own daughter's wedding, I found any number of reasons and opportunities to escape. It was a lovely occasion, but I'm one of those introverts who just needs to find time to be alone and regroup for a few minutes here and there. I must have gone to the loo every hour, as well as 'getting some air' occasionally!

Glitterygreen · 16/02/2022 15:52

You may as well go OP since it's your DH getting sick which impacts your income and he'll be going in any case.

Soontobe60 · 16/02/2022 15:56

@Mallary34

I know dh needs to go. I said that in my op. Im asking suggestions around help for financially as we cant afford more sicks days and the stress of not been able to afford food is alot.

Also im asking for advice on what i should concerning my anxiety. And whether it is acceptable that i miss out

Why can’t you afford more ‘sick days’ if you’ve got savings? It sounds like your dp uses his income to support the family, whilst you sit in savings!

DDivaStar · 16/02/2022 16:17

The wedding has brought 2 issues to the fore.

Firstly you need tk get help with your anxiety. Secondly you need to look at your finances and find some way to give yourself a buffer for times when h is unable to work.

The fact you have savings is great and of course you don't want to depleat them completely, but isn't this what they are for ?

UsernameAB12 · 16/02/2022 16:27

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I hate crowds of people and big weddings. Especially this trend of getting married in the middle of nowhere that's difficult to get to using public transport.
I'm hoping to get out of my bil's wedding later this year for similar reasons

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 17:02

I feel like people are turning this into something its not.

I never once said dp shouldnt go. In fact i stressed he needed to in my op. I just want advice about me and how to navigate this. Thing is we arent married and are relationship isnt that serious (yes we have dc but we had dc early in) that i feel if I dont go that will jeprodise or paint me in a bad light.

I dont have a close relationship with dps family neither does he for mine.

Yes this thread may come across me me me because this is about MY issues with the wedding. I have already acknowledged the importance of it for dp and it is apparent my feelings wont affect him being there or not.

My issues are not only the crowd of 100 to 200 potentional guests but also our money. Yes i have savings but they have all been used up with the past couple of rough months we have had with dp needing to take numerous sick days. It is not sustainable to say if we do get sick from this wedding that we can just lean on my savings again, I will have nothing left.

I have a side job i start next month but wont be getting my first pay check until the month after that. Im worried about in the mean time and think we shouldnt just go into this not prepared for the worst outcome. We cant afford to.

Also to the pps that said oh but you went shopping dp actually wanted to go so i went reluctantly but hated every second of it. He saw i was stressed and we left as soon as he did what he had to do.

No i dont need to go to the drs about my anxiety. I had a horrible pregnancy and bidth during the peak of the pandemic, my family got covid and were hit horribly and nearly ended up in hospital. I feel particularly vunerable as my health has never really built up since the traumatic birth and I need my health to look after my dc as childcare in my responsibility alone. Its alot to burden and i must consider all of this.

OP posts:

T00Ts · 16/02/2022 17:08

If you’re not married, you’ve had a child together, the relationship ‘isn’t that serious’ and you’ve given up work, then you’re vulnerable.

And on your earlier query, if the relationship isn’t that serious, you don’t know his family anyway and the wedding is causing you angst, make an excuse and don’t go.

Do you see a future with this relationship?

maddy68 · 16/02/2022 17:11

Are you seriously not intending to go to his brother's wedding ?? Wow

I would go mental if my partner wouldn't go to my brother's wedding tbh

dreamingofsun · 16/02/2022 17:11

If you are properly anxious then you ought to go to doctors and get a treatment plan. Your last sentence sounds like an excuse, even if its not meant that way. How would you feel if key relatives didnt attend your wedding because they were the sole carers for children?

Twizbe · 16/02/2022 17:18

Your last paragraph is shouting that you need some support. Talking therapy could help you process the struggles you had with pregnancy and birth. In turn this could lessen some of the anxiety you're feeling.

UsernameAB12 · 16/02/2022 17:18

Can you use childcare as excuse to get out you going to wedding? Saying the wedding that size will be too much for your young dc and you can't get any family to look after your DC on that day? Just a small lie if that's not the case. Your inlaws can't really get upset about that.

givethatbabyaname · 16/02/2022 17:20

I know you're saying you want to be clear about what you're asking.....but I can't figure out what you're asking

If you can't afford for your DP to get sick, this wedding isn't the problem. Stepping out of the front door each day carries a risk. You need to have some more savings set aside, whether that means you doing some work, your DP doing more work, whatever.

If you don't want to go to the wedding: don't. Going or not going won't change your relationship with your DP. Who cares what his family thinks? It's not like you're married or in any way part of DP's family with an expectation that you be there, is it?

More than anything, though, this is no way to live. You have anxieties coming out of your ears; you're living hand to mouth; you have a baby at home. You need to sort all of these things out before you spend a moment thinking about "navigating" how to attend/not attend a wedding

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 17:21

@maddy68 im not just not attending for no reason. I have stated my concerns which are legit and valid whether you all label it as "excuses" or not.

So you are telling me if your partner expressed his worries you would dismiss it all for your own needs.

Im being supportive by saying he should go. But i expect some understanding and support my from dp about my concerns

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 16/02/2022 17:23

sorry username - but that just sounds feeble. its not like she is being asked to be a bridesmaid and the kid(s) wont care how big the wedding is.

Flip

1 2 3 4