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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to inlaws wedding

100 replies

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 14:24

Posting on here for traffic

Recently me and dp have been on/off sick for alot of different reasons. Mainly catching things and unfortunate events. Im a sahm and he works full time. Whenever he has time off as he is self employed we have no money to cover the sick days. These past couple of months have been tight and his sick days have meant me forking into my savings to afford stuff for our dc.

Dps brother is getting married next month. He has invited over ahundred guests. I get high anxiety as it is in croeds non covid related aside. I cant enjoy myself when it is busy and instead the days out usually become stressful and a blur. Me and dp have luckily not caught covid. But my worry is going to this inside venue with all these people not being able to wear a mask ( i still do) or socially distance.

The thing is if either of us get ill again we cant afford another day off let alone week. I cant ksep us afloat as a these sick days are eating into my savings. Our dc is only short of one yrs old and if i become ill i know it will be me having to look after dc alone.

The stress of this all is just eating me up. I have communicated my financial and health worries to dp but neither of us know what to do about it.

I dont want him to miss out on his brother's wedding but im hesistant to go.

Suggestions on what to do?

OP posts:

Glitterygreen · 16/02/2022 17:24

My issues are not only the crowd of 100 to 200 potentional guests but also our money. Yes i have savings but they have all been used up with the past couple of rough months we have had with dp needing to take numerous sick days. It is not sustainable to say if we do get sick from this wedding that we can just lean on my savings again, I will have nothing left.

I have a side job i start next month but wont be getting my first pay check until the month after that. Im worried about in the mean time and think we shouldnt just go into this not prepared for the worst outcome. We cant afford to.

But as you have said, it's your DP currently bringing in the money and he could get sick whether you attend or not, yet you're in favour of him going.

Obviously you wouldn't want to get sick but equally financially it doesn't sound like it would impact anything.

But if you really don't want to attend and your DP is OK with that and would take your children without you then I think that's fine.

saraclara · 16/02/2022 17:27

Your posts scream that you need support with your mental health, and that involves your GP

You can't on the one hand say that you don't need help, yet on the other say that your anxiety is so bad that you can't be at a wedding. One of those things is less than truthful.

But if it comes down to it, you're just going to have to say you've had a positive test on the day. You're clearly going to make life difficult for your DP if you go.

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 17:31

@Glitterygreen i cant stop him from going. So i have to be in favour of him going. But the problem with me going is that I need to look aftsr dc so i cant afford to take such a huge risk of getting ill. If dp wants to go as pps have suggested he needs to make up some money to afford sick days if he does catch covid or anything else. But thats on him. I want to be responsible for my dc and take care of my health. I go out but no where crazy, e.g shops and to parks. I dont want to risk getting it or passing it on to vunerable family members

OP posts:

Midlifemusings · 16/02/2022 17:32

You aren't married and the relationship isn't that serious but you also aren't working and you barely have enough money to feed your child?

You need to rethink some of your decision making generally and get a job. Children cost money and you have financial responsibilities to ensure your child is housed and fed.

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 17:32

@saraclara i dont have these stresses to make myself difficult for anyone. Its not done deliberately thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mallary34 · 16/02/2022 17:33

@Midlifemusings can you read my posts. I have got part time job im starting next month

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 16/02/2022 17:39

What kind of illness has your DP had then? It sounds like he's been off work a lot, which is unusual really for most people.

Maybe work on building up your immune system, supplements etc.

GabriellaMontez · 16/02/2022 17:39

If you've got a part time job starting. Can you arrange an overdraft. Then if one of you gets covid, you can continue to eat.

After next month you have extra cash coming in.

Or is there more to this ? For eg your general relationship or shared finances that is bothering you?

saraclara · 16/02/2022 17:53

[quote Mallary34]@saraclara i dont have these stresses to make myself difficult for anyone. Its not done deliberately thanks.[/quote]
Of course it's not deliberate. But that's exactly why you need some help. It's out of your control at this point, which is exactly what a mental health problem involves.

T00Ts · 16/02/2022 18:02

But the problem with me going is that I need to look aftsr dc so i cant afford to take such a huge risk of getting ill

I’m not entirely sure what you’re really asking here, OP. Do you want us to pass judgement on whether you not going is unreasonable? Or do you want excuses to not go? Do you want us to tell you you’re reasonable being terrified of illness? I’m not sure.

The above statement is disproportionate anxiety though. Most of us go to work, mix with people and manage to look after our children. I think your fear of getting so sick you can’t look after your own kids is a bit skewed. I’ve had back-to-back nursery bugs courtesy of my toddler and I’ve not missed a day of work. I’ve just practiced good (normal) hygiene to protect others. Why do you think this wedding poses some danger to your health?

T00Ts · 16/02/2022 18:03

Such danger*

Gazelda · 16/02/2022 18:16

If your relationship,"isn't that serious" then I think you need to disentangle your finances from his.

But I also think it would do you good, and certainly couldn't do you any harm, for you to go to docs to chat about the birth and your anxiety about ill health. I'm afraid your fears and how it's affecting you are disproportionate, whether you believe that or not.

And can you clarify what you want out of this thread? It's clear you are being supportive of DP going to the wedding. Do you want MN to give you some suggestions on how to justify not going? How to reduce the anxiety you're feeling? How to handle the money crisis that could happen if you both fall ill? It's not clear at all what support or advice you'd find useful.

saraclara · 16/02/2022 18:22

If you're fully vaccinated, you're highly unlikely to get ill to the point that you can't look after your children. Millions of mothers in the UK have had Covid and cared for their kids.
This is your anxiety talking.

Ponoka7 · 16/02/2022 18:23

OP you may not recognise it but your anxiety isn't usual. People getting Ill is normal. You describe family members as 'nearly going to hospital', you mean that they were quite ill? You need to have a chat with your GP, it sounds as though you've got two things going on, anxiety around people and health. The longer this goes on the worse it will get. It'll mean no trips during school holidays.
Ignore the posts about work, MN is obsessed by it, yet fail to recognise that childcare can wipe out earnings.

Ragwort · 16/02/2022 18:29

If you are that anxious about it then just don't go ... is your DP happy to go on his own? The hosts might be slightly miffed but they will get over it. I would hate someone to accept an invitation to something I was hosting if it made them so anxious and worried, so long as you reply politely, in plenty of time to the invitation and send your regrets I am sure no one will really mind.

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2022 18:40

How long have you been with DP?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 16/02/2022 18:43

Sorry you don’t want to go to a family wedding in case you are ill ? . I honestly think you need to have a think about that , how would you feel if people couldn’t come to a special occasion and this was the excuse they gave . I sympathise with the anxiety but it really isn’t normal to think this way life is for living so enjoy the wedding .

worriedatthemoment · 16/02/2022 18:43

But your dp could pick up an illness anywhere , work , shops etc being self employed means you have to have savings to fall back on as its tough

ABCDEF1234 · 16/02/2022 19:16

[quote Mallary34]@Glitterygreen i cant stop him from going. So i have to be in favour of him going. But the problem with me going is that I need to look aftsr dc so i cant afford to take such a huge risk of getting ill. If dp wants to go as pps have suggested he needs to make up some money to afford sick days if he does catch covid or anything else. But thats on him. I want to be responsible for my dc and take care of my health. I go out but no where crazy, e.g shops and to parks. I dont want to risk getting it or passing it on to vunerable family members[/quote]
Why is it his responsibility to save this money? I assume he already pays for all bills which allows you not to work so why put the onus only on him and not both of you. You clearly can't afford to be a sahm so go get a job (a full time one and not a silly "side hustle")

BABAHOTEL · 16/02/2022 19:20

YABU, you need to deal with your health anxiety,

Being SE, is always going to be an issue if sick.

drpet49 · 16/02/2022 19:26

* I think you’re catastrophising and looking for an excuse not to go as you just don’t want to.*

* This sounds rather me, me, me. You don’t seem very bothered about your partner is just family. We all do things we really don’t want to do but out of locality and love, we do them.*

^This. You are being selfish

sharksarecool · 16/02/2022 20:03

YABU if you don't go.
Your DH needs to go anyway, so you cant avoid the possibility of him getting sick. There is no additional downside of you getting sick, as you will not lose money, so you should just go.

I assume you are vaccinated, in which case getting covid is unlikely and will probably be very mild. Even if unvaccinated, the chances of being seriously ill with covid are tiny. Your perception of this risk is not rooted in reality, and your in-laws would be justified to be annoyed if you don't attend

Witchcraftandhokum · 16/02/2022 20:04

If I was his brother and soon to be wife, I see it as a signal that you aren't really bothered about your DP's family and probably would start not inviting you to other stuff. I'm quite family orientated and if my partner behaved like this it would be a deal breaker.

Ratherdogsthanpeople · 16/02/2022 20:07

@Mallary34

I feel like people are turning this into something its not.

I never once said dp shouldnt go. In fact i stressed he needed to in my op. I just want advice about me and how to navigate this. Thing is we arent married and are relationship isnt that serious (yes we have dc but we had dc early in) that i feel if I dont go that will jeprodise or paint me in a bad light.

I dont have a close relationship with dps family neither does he for mine.

Yes this thread may come across me me me because this is about MY issues with the wedding. I have already acknowledged the importance of it for dp and it is apparent my feelings wont affect him being there or not.

Also to the pps that said oh but you went shopping dp actually wanted to go so i went reluctantly but hated every second of it. He saw i was stressed and we left as soon as he did what he had to do.

No i dont need to go to the drs about my anxiety. I had a horrible pregnancy and bidth during the peak of the pandemic, my family got covid and were hit horribly and nearly ended up in hospital. I feel particularly vunerable as my health has never really built up since the traumatic birth and I need my health to look after my dc as childcare in my responsibility alone. Its alot to burden and i must consider all of this.

All excuses.

Ratherdogsthanpeople · 16/02/2022 20:08

And you seriously need to get a job.

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