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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family courts side with women?

169 replies

Bluelightlover · 15/02/2022 18:54

A colleague of mine split up with his wife January last year. Since then she has made it very difficult for him to see his daughter. The ex has told the 11y daughter lies including that he financially abandoned them (he's still paying for the full mortgage and child maintenance). She went as far to get the school to fund raise for her when my colleague had sent her £5k. That he is emotionally unfit to look after his daughter and he was abusive to the wife during their marriage. She submitted 40 pages of evidence to the court but none of it had actual proof. I.e she couldn't remember dates, no police or social services involvement etc. I don't want to go into specifics without outing him. In his and his family's view the wife had committed parental alienation and now his daughter wants nothing to do with him or his family. He paid a huge sum to go to court. But his solicitor said that the court is likely to side with the woman. I am female and a mum and feel so disheartened if this is the case. Yes of course in clear cut cases of domestic violence/abuse etc but when it's her word against his why would he not be able to have a relationship with his daughter? I thought family courts try to do everything to ensure both parents had a relationship with their child?

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 17/02/2022 21:34

@AdamRyan

Its what women have to do all the time. Women get "managed out" when they have kids. They don't get the same opportunities as male colleagues. They choose whether to sue their employers, leave or suck it up. So I'm not particularly sorry for your dp
I think you've spectacularly deliberately missed the point. What a surprise.

I'm not asking for your sympathy. I'm explaining my point that society supports women being the main care giver and men being the main earner, when it should be equal for both. We should all want that, surely.

It's really telling that you can't take any points on board that don't match with your own without saying something entirely unrelated about how bad it is for women. I know how bad it can be for women, I am one. That's not what I'm talking about.

AdamRyan · 17/02/2022 22:56

What are you talking about then? Confused

Sowhatifiam · 17/02/2022 23:17

If a woman said her ex was abusive would you call it a sob story?

I think, as a general rule of thumb, we believe people when they tell us they have been abused, raped or assaulted. We don’t ask for evidence, we take it at face value. We have learnt, as a society, that people who have experienced abuse don’t, on the whole, lie about it.

The courts take the view that the parent-child relationship is the most important thing, regardless of whether there is evidence of abuse having taken place. There are many, many women who have had to endure all too regular contact with an ex abuser and indeed, deliver their child to that abuser for an extended, and often unsupervised, period of time. I am not sure any woman who has been through that - and there are plenty of them - would agree that the courts take the woman’s side.

Askinforabaskin · 17/02/2022 23:17

My Partners dad is a family lawyer and this undoubtedly the case going by his stories. A father just needs to make a few bad moves to only see their kids via supervised contact. Whereas a mother can be proven to be drug user and still have residency. Obviously it’s not that black and white the majority of the time.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 18/02/2022 11:43

@AdamRyan

What are you talking about then? Confused
If you can't read, that's really not my problem.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 18/02/2022 11:44

@Sowhatifiam

If a woman said her ex was abusive would you call it a sob story?

I think, as a general rule of thumb, we believe people when they tell us they have been abused, raped or assaulted. We don’t ask for evidence, we take it at face value. We have learnt, as a society, that people who have experienced abuse don’t, on the whole, lie about it.

The courts take the view that the parent-child relationship is the most important thing, regardless of whether there is evidence of abuse having taken place. There are many, many women who have had to endure all too regular contact with an ex abuser and indeed, deliver their child to that abuser for an extended, and often unsupervised, period of time. I am not sure any woman who has been through that - and there are plenty of them - would agree that the courts take the woman’s side.

But clearly we don't when it's a man, look at this thread as an example.
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/02/2022 13:21

When couples split up post cheating people say that's irrelevant, doesn't mean he isn't a great df etc. Yet I cheated.. In court I was told as a proven liar everything I said would be called into question! Took me 4 years to get exh away from MY dc.. And until the final hearing (after 4 years) for exh to be exposed as an utter cunt.
The damage he had done to our dc was mammoth.

AdamRyan · 18/02/2022 13:25

It's not a man that's posted, it's a woman posting a story her colleague told her that has huge holes in it.
It suits abusive arseholes to spin a sob story about why they don't see their kids (rather than say they can't be arsed, or they arent allowed because they are abusive).
I don't believe the story the colleague told OP and think she would do better giving him a wide berth.

Toomanyradishes · 18/02/2022 13:36

So to be clear, hes not fighting for custody, he doesnt want to actually parent his child, he just wants to see them when it suits him regardless of whether it suits the mother or the child for that matter? Just random visits when he feels like it, no steady schedule, no stability for the child etc

Is he actually considering how to suit his life to the needs of his child at all, or just him?

Out of interest, did the solicitor actually say the court always sides with the mother? Or was the solicitor warning this man that in this case for various reasons he was unlikelyto have things go his way? Because they arent the same thing

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 18/02/2022 13:41

@AdamRyan

It's not a man that's posted, it's a woman posting a story her colleague told her that has huge holes in it. It suits abusive arseholes to spin a sob story about why they don't see their kids (rather than say they can't be arsed, or they arent allowed because they are abusive). I don't believe the story the colleague told OP and think she would do better giving him a wide berth.
It suits abusive arseholes to disbelieve victims, too. Funny that.
HeadPain · 18/02/2022 14:34

No they bloody don't. If that's the case why do they force mothers to make their children see the man who beat their mother to a pulp. And even on one thread I read here, a father who was violent to his children. The child was scared of him and clearly damaged by the visits. But they had to continue. And from family experience, a man who was convicted of child abuse images, including the most extreme, and was in a relationship with a former pupil who he began a 'relationship' with when she was still his pupil. In high school.

EmbarrassedAllOver · 18/02/2022 14:40

So she's a loony toon, unethical thief now? They were married for a decade or longer presumably given daughters age. Yet only now she's stealing money and lying left right and centre?

Hmmm.. I smell a rat.

Sorry, I know too many bullshitting men. My cousin has had around 10 girlfriends in 10 years. Back to back, always the same story. "she's mental, does this and that and is awful". Never his fault.

OP - unless you've seen said evidence I'd not get invested enough to post on Mumsnet. It's very likely you're hearing a doctored account.

If she's crazy, why was he with her all that time? I don't buy it.

PleasantBirthday · 18/02/2022 14:42

It's shocking what implausible nonsense women are prepared to believe about other women - until they find themselves in exactly the same position themselves.

SamphiretheStickerist · 18/02/2022 14:43

@Bluelightlover

Thank you for the replies so far.

The first 'fact finding' hearing is imminent. He is happy for his DD to live with his ex as he's in the military and works away a lot. He just wants a relationship with her on some level. When he's home to be able to spend time with her and with his family who live around the corner.

Oh, good grief @Bluelightlover Thinking head on!

You only have to consider the likelihood of the tangled financial tale of woes he has told you:

He is paying the full mortgage and child maintenance
He sent her £5K
The school did some fund raising for her

Think about it. Think about those three things together. Can they all be true?
If so, in what context?

Back child support/mortgage payments?
Fundraising for something specific - cos it won't have been for her mortgage will it?
Fundraising = sponsored her for something, perhaps?

He is spinning a tale like Rumpelstiltskin span straw!

HeadPain · 18/02/2022 14:47

Haven't read your post though, just responding to your title which pissed me off

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 18/02/2022 14:52

@EmbarrassedAllOver

So she's a loony toon, unethical thief now? They were married for a decade or longer presumably given daughters age. Yet only now she's stealing money and lying left right and centre?

Hmmm.. I smell a rat.

Sorry, I know too many bullshitting men. My cousin has had around 10 girlfriends in 10 years. Back to back, always the same story. "she's mental, does this and that and is awful". Never his fault.

OP - unless you've seen said evidence I'd not get invested enough to post on Mumsnet. It's very likely you're hearing a doctored account.

If she's crazy, why was he with her all that time? I don't buy it.

Obviously I have no idea about this particular woman, but people change.

Not only that, but would you ask a woman why on earth she was with her ex so long when he was an abusive arsehole or would that be a wildly inappropriate and stupid question?

fortunenookie · 18/02/2022 15:49

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
“Not only that, but would you ask a woman why on earth she was with her ex so long when he was an abusive arsehole or would that be a wildly inappropriate and stupid question?”

Yes it would be a wildly inappropriate and stupid question.
That sort of speculation would suggest that the person in question knows fuck all about the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship particularly if children are involved.

Assuming on that basis you are rather keen to distance yourself from that perspective and indeed condemn it

CatJumperTwat · 18/02/2022 15:58

@Bluelightlover

Thank you for the replies so far.

The first 'fact finding' hearing is imminent. He is happy for his DD to live with his ex as he's in the military and works away a lot. He just wants a relationship with her on some level. When he's home to be able to spend time with her and with his family who live around the corner.

Really? The ex is such a vindictive and unstable liar, but he's happy for his daughter to be raised by her. How strange.
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