To think family courts side with women?

[Bluelightlover]

A colleague of mine split up with his wife January last year. Since then she has made it very difficult for him to see his daughter. The ex has told the 11y daughter lies including that he financially abandoned them (he's still paying for the full mortgage and child maintenance). She went as far to get the school to fund raise for her when my colleague had sent her £5k. That he is emotionally unfit to look after his daughter and he was abusive to the wife during their marriage. She submitted 40 pages of evidence to the court but none of it had actual proof. I.e she couldn't remember dates, no police or social services involvement etc. I don't want to go into specifics without outing him. In his and his family's view the wife had committed parental alienation and now his daughter wants nothing to do with him or his family. He paid a huge sum to go to court. But his solicitor said that the court is likely to side with the woman. I am female and a mum and feel so disheartened if this is the case. Yes of course in clear cut cases of domestic violence/abuse etc but when it's her word against his why would he not be able to have a relationship with his daughter? I thought family courts try to do everything to ensure both parents had a relationship with their child?

You are being told one side of the story.
Sadly this isn't my experience of family court.

Despite DDs biological father being a risk yo her for several large reasons he was still given contact with her.
He repeatedly fucked up, and they continued to give him further contact.

Why is this man even telling you all of this anyway?

@FrodoAteMyRing

You only know his side.

But we only ever get one side on here don't we, and nearly always by the woman. We don't say that to her.

Courts love giving access to abusive parents. He could absolutely get access if he wanted to. His story doesn't add up.

Yeah, finding the OP hard to believe.

In my experience and that of the many women I met at contact centres. Abusive fathers absolutely get awarded contact with their unwilling, miserable desperately terrified young children. And the RP has to oblige or face prison.

I was told if I blocked contact I would go to prison. I had not blocked contact previously had done nothing to make the courts think I would but the judge threatened me with prison anyway.

CAFCASS were later horrified to hear me say I only wanted contact to be supervised whilst dc were too young to go for help if/when ex threatened or harmed them. My dc pleaded and begged CAFCASS not to order unsupervised contact. My eldest was desperate to speak to the judge and explain the abuse she was continuing to endure at supported contact centres and why she wanted not to have contact with ex.
She was not allowed to as that would be inappropriate and I could have manipulated her.

It took years of me fighting for my children and multiple agencies worry for and advocating for my dc before contact went before a dv specialist judge who stopped all direct contact.

In the intervening years, I saw fathers who assaulted their ex’s at the contact centre get contact, fathers who spent the entire contact session staring at the mother get contact, fathers who left their child screaming and demanded the mother go change their baby get contact, fathers turning up with the shakes from a drug binge the night before getting contact, a few fathers who repeatedly failed drug tests got contact. Ex behaved incredibly inappropriately got contact and he blamed me for not forcing my dd to hug and kiss him and make her sit on his lap and tried to accuse me of parental alienation too.

So no I don’t believe the family courts side with the mother. I believe the family courts spectacularly fail abused women and children.

Another lazy story spun by a shit dad to a doe eyed new girlfriend. Another doe eyed girlfriend being outraged on her wonderful new boyfriend's behalf at the evil ex wife, and becoming immediately over invested.

The posters that haven't been able to see through this in their haste to defend men clearly haven't heard these same old lines over and over again from men who are at best crap parents and more likely, domestic abuse perpetrators.

If the solicitor has told him that the court probably isn't going to side with him, it will be for good reason. Of course he's not going to bloody well tell you anything other than he's so amazing, is he?

Lalala1 yes, that’s why I was careful to specify “more likely” as opposed to “is in” a child’s best interest for contact not to be stopped for an NRP who wants to see their child. There are many shit NRPs out there but that doesn’t alter the fact there are also a significant minority of RPs who will think nothing of using their DC as a weapon or simply want to play happy families with their new partner and write their child’s father out of the picture.

Actually statistics show that men are more successful in family court. Male applicants win more than women.

From a professional pov women are treated appalling. Contact is granted to abusive men. I know of one case where a convicted paedophile was allowed unsupervised contact and the mother threatened with reversal of residency if she did not facilitate it

I'm so glad I never had to go to court because the useless oxygen thief of an exh couldn't give a flying fuck about his kids. Therefore there was no fight.

Yes of course in clear cut cases of domestic violence/abuse etc but when it's her word against his why would he not be able to have a relationship with his daughter?

You do know that DV happens behind closed doors. And you seem to think proving it beyond a reasonable doubt is more important than protecting children when there's a good chance it happened. Because the mum is fighting to keep the child 100% and the dad is only trying to see the child when he's around.

I work in housing though, and know how much unreported DV goes on. It's a huge part of my job.

Oh and a quick Google shows that military families suffer around 1.5-2 times the already horribly high average for family violence.

I'd imagine family courts are spectacularly shit for everyone involved

Family courts allow abusive, violent men to have contact with their children and ex's, so no, they don't side with women.
And you might want to read this -
www.brunel.ac.uk/news-and-events/news/articles/Playing-the-Parental-Alienation-card-Abusive-parents-use-the-system-to-gain-access-to-children

You weren't there, you don't know what happened.

Which is the case for EVERY story told on Mumsnet. We take them at face value.

I have worked for years in domestic abuse services, and left an abusive relationship myself just before my DD was born. I am 100% clear it is mostly a male on female crime.

However, some of you seem to point blank refuse to believe it happens the other way around and it is just not the case. I've witnessed a couple of men so badly emotionally abused by their wives that they've had to be sectioned.

You know
One side of the story only. In my experience the courts side with the me. And do everything in their power to maintain relationships with the father

"Which is the case for EVERY story told on Mumsnet. We take them at face value."

Oh come on the story sounds fake, the school fundraising for the mother.😂
Absolute rubbish.
If that was the case they would be fundraising every week the amount of single parents there are raising the child on their own after the father leaves and gets on with their life.
And actually when it comes down to it, after a marriage split most of the time it's the woman left having to pick up all of the pieces, and when it comes down to it it's women that suffer domestic abuse much more than a man.

It's rare to want to be left raising a child all by yourself, it's a huge undertaking being a true single parent who has no respite from anyone else.

My ex-husband abused me, I had to get a restraining order out on him, do you know what he said about me? I was crazy, I made his life hard, I stopped him from seeing his kids.
Reality was he couldn't be bothered, he didn't give a shit.
It was much easier to lie and make himself look like HE was a victim.

Unfortunately his second partner believed him and had kids by him, guess what he did to her...
'Poor him' was the victim again after beating her and years of domestic abuse, 'poor him' was 'stopped seeing his kids again.'

It's people that don't question the rubbish that are the problem, ALWAYS question.
Especially if parts of the story sound unbelievable.
It's generally because its a lie.

@Bluelightlover

Thank you for the replies so far.

The first 'fact finding' hearing is imminent. He is happy for his DD to live with his ex as he's in the military and works away a lot. He just wants a relationship with her on some level. When he's home to be able to spend time with her and with his family who live around the corner.

Why are you so involved?

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

You weren't there, you don't know what happened.

Which is the case for EVERY story told on Mumsnet. We take them at face value.

I don't think that's true. Many people complain about the minute nitpicking over every detail of every story around here.

The courts main focus is on what's best for the child. They do that considering the evidence theyve been given

But, from what I've seen personally from my friends is that the courts almost akways give access to abusive fathers because they havnt abused the children only the mother

My ex was found guilty in court for assaulting me and the courts ordered him not to contact me or any child of the family ( our children ) unless authorised by family courts, social services and a soliciter.

I have never come across anyone else that the abusive father has been told to stay away completely, they seem to always give the dad some sort of access

I am very very fortunate to be in the situation I am in but at the same time indont through some awful shit to get here

@Tonsellectomjy

I have worked for years in domestic abuse services, and left an abusive relationship myself just before my DD was born. I am 100% clear it is mostly a male on female crime.

However, some of you seem to point blank refuse to believe it happens the other way around and it is just not the case. I've witnessed a couple of men so badly emotionally abused by their wives that they've had to be sectioned.

This.

Nobody is denying some men are abusive. Just pointing out that in fact women can be abusive too.

She can't be that bad if he is happy to let their daughter live with her either that or he isnt bothered by his own daughter

The fundraising sounds bs

Is he the only one on the mortgage? How come they arnt in military accommodation?

Anddddd they're back....

When I read stories about children being turned against their df’s I think of my own experience. Dh and my own df were excellent parents. There is not a thing I could say that would turn my kids against their df because they know what he is like. That makes me think that if it’s so easy to alienate a child the parent can’t have been a very good one in the first place.

That makes me think that if it’s so easy to alienate a child the parent can’t have been a very good one in the first place.

This is utter crap, from someone who was alienated from their mother by their father as a child.

Seriously, it is abject, uneducated nonsense.

@LuaDipa

When I read stories about children being turned against their df’s I think of my own experience. Dh and my own df were excellent parents. There is not a thing I could say that would turn my kids against their df because they know what he is like. That makes me think that if it’s so easy to alienate a child the parent can’t have been a very good one in the first place.

That's incredibly harsh. That's like saying well if it's that easy to control someone they must have been a bit pathetic in the first place.

It is quite easy to manipulate children.