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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think family courts side with women?

169 replies

Bluelightlover · 15/02/2022 18:54

A colleague of mine split up with his wife January last year. Since then she has made it very difficult for him to see his daughter. The ex has told the 11y daughter lies including that he financially abandoned them (he's still paying for the full mortgage and child maintenance). She went as far to get the school to fund raise for her when my colleague had sent her £5k. That he is emotionally unfit to look after his daughter and he was abusive to the wife during their marriage. She submitted 40 pages of evidence to the court but none of it had actual proof. I.e she couldn't remember dates, no police or social services involvement etc. I don't want to go into specifics without outing him. In his and his family's view the wife had committed parental alienation and now his daughter wants nothing to do with him or his family. He paid a huge sum to go to court. But his solicitor said that the court is likely to side with the woman. I am female and a mum and feel so disheartened if this is the case. Yes of course in clear cut cases of domestic violence/abuse etc but when it's her word against his why would he not be able to have a relationship with his daughter? I thought family courts try to do everything to ensure both parents had a relationship with their child?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 15/02/2022 20:19

Sounds like a pile of horse poo.
School fundraiser????

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 15/02/2022 20:20

@phoenixrosehere

Potentially if he’s not been in her life much the 11 year old isn’t that bothered about spending a lot of time with him? Children need regular and consistent access and he’ll have to find a way to provide that. At 11 the child would be involved in the contact discussions and I’m not sure whether a child that old with a strong relationship with the parent would really be swayed that much.

That’s a really good point.

This isn’t a young child. This is a child who is old enough to know what kind of relationship they want or want to continue with their father. Dad is in the military and has likely been away most of her life. He should be able to have a relationship but he can’t dictate what that looks like. His daughter didn’t choose to have a father that’s in the military and that works away for a certain length of time. Imagine what it’s like for her and likely having friends who have their fathers close by or living with them and being able to have them physically there vs talking on the phone or a screen.

I wonder if someone would say that about a mother. Funnily enough, I doubt it.

Perhaps he had to work away to support his family Confused what an absolute twat, eh.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 15/02/2022 20:23

I’ve never known a school fundraise for a family.

phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2022 20:26

*I wonder if someone would say that about a mother. Funnily enough, I doubt it.

Perhaps he had to work away to support his family confused what an absolute twat, eh.*

Where did I say that? Thanks for putting words in my mouth 🙄.

For the record, I would say that regardless of gender. If I was 11 and my parents had divorced, I would have chosen my father since he was the one who was around while my mum worked long hours and then came home and was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me to the point of me contemplating suicide so yes, I would choose the person that was more supportive and was there. Money only goes so far.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 15/02/2022 20:27

@Boood

In my experience the family court sides with whoever is most aggressive and determined to cause pain. If one party is like that and the other more reasonable, the reasonable person gets fucked over and the court either stands by or actively helps the aggressor.
I agree. I have seen decent men get treated terribly with their children being alienated and the judge buying into the woman's manipulation and decent women being forced to send their children to abusive fathers.

One woman managed to have the father stripped of PR but only when he ended up in prison after hurting the child. Hurting the mother for years beforehand in the child's home wasn't taken into account.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 15/02/2022 20:29

@phoenixrosehere

*I wonder if someone would say that about a mother. Funnily enough, I doubt it.

Perhaps he had to work away to support his family confused what an absolute twat, eh.*

Where did I say that? Thanks for putting words in my mouth 🙄.

For the record, I would say that regardless of gender. If I was 11 and my parents had divorced, I would have chosen my father since he was the one who was around while my mum worked long hours and then came home and was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me to the point of me contemplating suicide so yes, I would choose the person that was more supportive and was there. Money only goes so far.

It's probably more the abuse than her career in your situation, no? There is no mention of abuse here.
phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2022 20:35

It's probably more the abuse than her career in your situation, no?
There is no mention of abuse here.

That is true. Saying that, we also don’t know what the 11 year old thinks or wants. We’re getting an account from a third-party source who only knows what one-side is telling them.

You assumed I was basing my opinion off gender. I am not nor do we know when he entered the military. Even if he wasn’t and it was a job where he worked long hours and wasn’t home much, it would be the same situation. The same would go for if it is a woman, the only difference I think would be that typically a woman is judged harder for not being the resident parent vs a man.

MintJulia · 15/02/2022 20:40

Does he usually disclose personal financial details to colleagues? How indiscreet and unprofessional of him.

Tequilabeliever · 15/02/2022 20:42

Are you the other woman who has possibly been fed a line?

I would keep an open mind and remember you only have his version of events. The truth usually lies somewhere between the two accounts.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 15/02/2022 20:42

@MintJulia

Does he usually disclose personal financial details to colleagues? How indiscreet and unprofessional of him.
Why is it unprofessional?

Christ we chatted about smear tests at work today. How unprofessional of us.

People have friends, you know?

Hyenaormeercat · 15/02/2022 20:42

If a child is well cared for and there are no welfare concerns a mother can ignore court orders for years, the father has to spend a fortune to keep going back to court. Not all men can afford it particularly if they are low earning. There is no help for housing so they can have somewhere to have their children stay.
Parental alienation can be subtle and not always easy to determine.
Yes some fathers are twats...but so are some mothers they become the mn mils

Gumbomambo · 15/02/2022 20:58

The family court isn’t fit for purpose at all. The children should be put first and quite frankly they aren’t, the parents “rights” seem to come before the child’s.

ChocolateMassacre · 15/02/2022 21:08

If his ex is abusing their child by lying to her and alienating her from her father, why isn't the father arguing that he should have full-time care? Why is he 'happy' for his ex to be primary carer?

Oh yes, he works away. His job is apparently more important than ensuring the wellbeing of the child he alleges is being manipulated and emotionally accused Hmm. Why doesn't he get a different job and be there for his child?

It's amazing how many men are prepared to leave their DC in the care of so-called 'psycho exes' rather than stepping up and fighting to be primary carers for their children.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 15/02/2022 21:09

I spent 4 years proving my exh was lying about me. He did huge damage to my dc and their relationship with me during this time.

BungleandGeorge · 15/02/2022 21:11

@Nikkiten

‘He is happy for his DD to live with his ex as he's in the military and works away a lot’ Hmm
It says it all doesn’t it! Children know when they’re not the priority in their parents lives. And for what it’s worth a woman would be judged way more harshly for working away and not seeing her child
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 15/02/2022 21:12

@ChocolateMassacre

If his ex is abusing their child by lying to her and alienating her from her father, why isn't the father arguing that he should have full-time care? Why is he 'happy' for his ex to be primary carer?

Oh yes, he works away. His job is apparently more important than ensuring the wellbeing of the child he alleges is being manipulated and emotionally accused Hmm. Why doesn't he get a different job and be there for his child?

It's amazing how many men are prepared to leave their DC in the care of so-called 'psycho exes' rather than stepping up and fighting to be primary carers for their children.

Fight how? Please elaborate.
foxlover47 · 15/02/2022 21:14

I don't think they do , I think in my case at least , I had to prove a hell of a lot to get the court to safely ensure contact with my child and her dad
The courts take a view that any DV etc done to you should not stop a relationship between child and parent , as long as it is safe
So not sure how that is siding with the woman

Ncwinc · 15/02/2022 21:15

Courts routinely allow fathers who have raped and assaulted their ex partners unsupervised contact with their children, even in cases where that abuse has been reported to the police and there is supporting medical evidence. They expect those women to facilitate that contact. So, no. I don’t think that the court favours women.

BringMeTea · 15/02/2022 21:15

@Plumface Grin indeed. Fucksake. The poor ol' menz.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 15/02/2022 21:16

[quote BringMeTea]@Plumface Grin indeed. Fucksake. The poor ol' menz.[/quote]
It's not about "poor menz" but do you genuinely believe this doesn't happen?

Why can't any man be in this situation without some smart ignorant comment about "poor menz"?

It's no wonder men often keep abuse to themselves when people are as stupid as this.

Burnshersmurfs · 15/02/2022 21:18

“ She went as far to get the school to fund raise for her when my colleague had sent her £5k.” Yup. That definitely happened. Hmm

BringMeTea · 15/02/2022 21:20

@Getyourarseofffthequattro I was referring very specifically to one person's comment. If you cannae be arsed to read that comment before you address mine then shame on you... Flowers

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 15/02/2022 21:20

I had to face school gate dm's knowing exh and told them I was a prostitute.. Courts are batshit ime.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 15/02/2022 21:21

[quote BringMeTea]@Getyourarseofffthequattro I was referring very specifically to one person's comment. If you cannae be arsed to read that comment before you address mine then shame on you... Flowers[/quote]
Shame on me? Confused I did read it.

YABVVU · 15/02/2022 21:22

'My experience is the opposite too - the family courts frequently side with an abusive man - and often they are just a tool for that man to continue his abuse'.

Exactly this. I've been royally fucked over financially and had to fight to even get 50/50 of the children that I bought up single candidly for 10 years. He had more money than me you see... And he has won.

Family Courts side with the aggressor with more money (mainly the man).