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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or will boys be boys?

58 replies

Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:38

We were at the park earlier today n my 3 year old son was playing as boys do (climbing hills,playing in the mud) etc n my oh was bring so cautious every 2 seconds telling him to stop, be careful and don't get dirty. Now am I not right thinking when we grew up this was part of life? We got mucky we scraped our knees and had a great laugh.

We're home now and oh is sulking in the bedroom cause apparently this is me undermining him as a parent?

To add context my 3 year old has just been diagnosed as epileptic however it it controlled with medication and my sister had epilepsy her whole life, my parents wrapped her up in cotton wool and now she's in her 40s and can't do anything for herself as she was never shown for fear of making her ill. I don't want my son growing up like that.

OP posts:
MedusasBadHairDay · 15/02/2022 16:40

YABU for using "boys will be boys".

But otherwise kids should be allowed to be kids, messy and silly. They need to learn to take risks (within reason), to explore and play.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:41

My bad I should have worded it as kids will be kids **

OP posts:
hangrylady · 15/02/2022 16:44

I voting YABU as its not just boys who do this. My DD is much more likely to get filthy than my son.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:45

I've already said I wonded it wrong! I didn't realise it would cause so much upset...

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:45

Worded**

OP posts:
Iamblossom · 15/02/2022 16:46

I agree with you but you will never avoid butting heads with your oh over this if you approach it in such a way that makes him feel like you are telling him how to parent, or telling him to do it your way over his. It will just become an argument.

Mckmck · 15/02/2022 16:47

@MedusasBadHairDay

YABU for using "boys will be boys".

But otherwise kids should be allowed to be kids, messy and silly. They need to learn to take risks (within reason), to explore and play.

Exactly my thinking
ChittyBangs · 15/02/2022 16:49

I get he wants to be cautious, we all do, but it's the only way they learn tbh.

Couldn't be arsed with the sulking in the bedroom though.

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 15/02/2022 16:49

You and your dh need to sit down and discuss this before you go back to the park..
For me it's fine f we have wellies on to jump in puddles but not in trainers, I dont mind washing clothes and coats but not if they are brand new or we are going somewhere smart after etc.
You shouldn't undermine one another and it will confuse your ds to have mummy sas I can/daddy says I cant
And please as pp have said do not excuse any of your childs behaviour with "boys will be boys"

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:51

@ChittyBangs thank you for not pointing out my error and reading the post.

I can't be bothered with it either tbh he asked me to step down to the bottom of the tree to catch DS n because I said no he'd be fine I'm the bad one who wants her son to hurt himself.

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 15/02/2022 16:51

You need a calm conversation with him after DS is in bed, when you’ve both had time to reflect. You need to agree a joint approach on risk. DH and I had to do this as I am naturally more risk averse than him but we recognised we could both learn a bit from each other’s point of view and have met somewhat in the middle.

Gizlotsmum · 15/02/2022 16:54

If it’s a recent diagnosis I would cut your oh some slack. Discuss his concerns, put your side across and see if there is a middle ground.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:54

I just have a different perspective I guess, I want him to explore, get dirty and not to be scared of playing

OP posts:
blyn72 · 15/02/2022 16:55

You have to make a compromise with your husband over this. As your son gets older, he will do things regardless. In principle, I agree with you.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:57

Like I said I'm basis it on my sister, she wasn't allowed out to play like we were, she missed out on so much just incase something happened. I'm the kinda person who thinks if something is going to happen it'll happen regardless of what we're doing

OP posts:
TyrannosaurusRegina · 15/02/2022 16:57

@Twistedunicorn

I've already said I wonded it wrong! I didn't realise it would cause so much upset...
Don't worry, there are always people who will rake around for any offence that they can take on MN.

I'd say that your partner is just worries perhaps because of the diagnosis and being a little overprotective. Maybe a sit down to discuss things from both points of view is needed.

Redroceritsover · 15/02/2022 16:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

trumpisagit · 15/02/2022 16:58

I have a Dad who says "be careful" a lot.
I am in my 40s and he is in his 70s and he repeatedly told me to "be careful" when moving his bedside table today.
It drives me bonkers.

Luckily my Mum wasn't like this and she did most of the childcare.

At 3 your son should be able to take calculated risks on muddy slopes and small trees.

I don't think you are going to be able to change your DH but you could speak to him about projecting his anxiety.

Also give your child lots of opportunity to assess risk and fall in the mud when your DH isn't around.

SpiderVersed · 15/02/2022 16:59

Of course 3 year olds need to run around and get grubby! Your OH is being daft.

Qwaffee · 15/02/2022 16:59

I always said my boys had the best time if they were getting mucky in the fresh air!

Sirzy · 15/02/2022 17:00

You have experience he doesn’t. I fully get where you are coming from but he is still learning and getting the hang of the diagnosis. You need to talk about things properly but don’t dismiss his concerns

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2022 17:02

I agree about free play and clothes that they can get dirty in. I've voted YABU because of the sexist descriptions. As the Mother of girls and years of people wanting to tell them not to play the way the boys were.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:03

Thanks all for the comments, I've tried speaking to him and explaining but honestly it's like talking to a brick wall... He hit back at me with "you do realise he's ill don't you" of course I bloody do be he's also 3 and I'm a parent who believes the dirtiest child is the happiest child. My ds, his clothes and trainers can easily be washed

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:05

CAN'T WE ALL JUST SEE PAST THE TITLE

I certainly never meant anything by it,no sexiest comments were meant this post comes from a girl who would quite happily splash in puddles, get absolutely bogging playing in the mud oh and as I grew up I'd neck pints and play darts/snooker better than any guy I know... Please I'm not one to be stereotypical it was just a wording error.

OP posts:
romdowa · 15/02/2022 17:09

@Twistedunicorn

Thanks all for the comments, I've tried speaking to him and explaining but honestly it's like talking to a brick wall... He hit back at me with "you do realise he's ill don't you" of course I bloody do be he's also 3 and I'm a parent who believes the dirtiest child is the happiest child. My ds, his clothes and trainers can easily be washed
This is the mentality you probably need to address with him. While your son has a medical condition, he isn't acutely ill. Lots of people live full lives with epilepsy and their seizures are controlled with medications. Would it be worth having the neurology nurse or specialist discuss this with your husband? Your son will have this for life and has to be allowed to live. My neighbours little boy is blind and he's just like every other child, up trees and getting dirty. He doesn't seem himself as any different because his parents have let him be like everyone else.