Aibu or will boys be boys?

[Twistedunicorn]

We were at the park earlier today n my 3 year old son was playing as boys do (climbing hills,playing in the mud) etc n my oh was bring so cautious every 2 seconds telling him to stop, be careful and don't get dirty. Now am I not right thinking when we grew up this was part of life? We got mucky we scraped our knees and had a great laugh.

We're home now and oh is sulking in the bedroom cause apparently this is me undermining him as a parent?

To add context my 3 year old has just been diagnosed as epileptic however it it controlled with medication and my sister had epilepsy her whole life, my parents wrapped her up in cotton wool and now she's in her 40s and can't do anything for herself as she was never shown for fear of making her ill. I don't want my son growing up like that.

When we talk I take on and listen to what he's saying. He doesn't tho he just shoots me down and accusing me or undermining him all the time. I asked him to tell me examples of when I've done this and he wouldn't. As said before I got told he wasn't interested in what I had to say

@Satingreenshutters

I would probably have made that wording error too OP, don't mind the pile on.

I agree totally with you.

Thank you, it wasn't meant to be offensive I literally did word it wrong

Yanbu. My DH is often like that, his mum has total OCD and he’s picked up bad habits. Literally kept wiping our toddler’s face clean while toddler was trying to eat.

A child who is constantly told “be careful don’t do that don’t get dirty” grows up with issues. Your OH was doing bad parenting and absolutely you’re right to undermine his bad parenting, in the same way you’d be right to undermine his parenting if he smacked a child, or swore at a child.

If your OH wants to be supported in his parenting then he needs to do better parenting. Maybe find a few good articles on the importance of messy play in early years and email it to him.

If he’s anything like my DH, he will be v offended and refuse to acknowledge that he did anything less than perfectly and will be cross with you for contradicting him, BUT will also adjust his parenting in future.

If he's not interested in what you have to say, maybe he should take himself off to his mummy's/mates/park fucking bench, then.

Twat.

@Twistedunicorn

I've already said I wonded it wrong! I didn't realise it would cause so much upset...

It hasn't " caused so much upset". It just inaccurate. My mum liked telling the story of the time she picked me up by the romper straps from the back step, popped me into the kitchen sink and turned both taps on. .

I'll definitely try later to address the situation for now tho he's welcome to stew on his own.

@Twistedunicorn

The seizures my sister takes and the ones DS has are different but the impact afterwards is the same. I can't make him see that I know what I'm dealing with but he's having none of it

Because it isn't just about you. If DS has a seizure you might be oh so calm, deal with it perfectly and carry on your day normally but for your DH it will be huge, terrifying, likely to trigger a panic response. Or at least he thinks it will. So doing the "oh it's fine, I'm used to it" isn't helpful. He's scared. He's allowed. Support him, don't dismiss him. Let him verbalise what his fears are and talk them through.

Is he worried he'll get too cold if he's playing in the puddles? Can you compromise on what he wears to the park? Is he scared he'll have a seizure and fall out the tree? So DH stands there. etc.

That said, you aren't wrong to let him play. He's not ill, he has a condition. And your DH can learn that. So if you let him climb trees and are happy to sit on the other side of the park, that's on you. And if he isn't, then he can stand under the tree. But your DH needs time to adjust to his sons condition.

Was he like this before your son's diagnosis? Not just the risk aversion, but the unwillingness to actually talk about things and the sulking? Because if so, then I would say crack on and ignore him - he can't have it both ways and be worried about things, but not actually share his concerns.

If the failure to open up is recent, then I would give him a bit of time, but reiterate that you cannot and will not be bossed around when it comes to looking after your son. If he wants things done a certain way, he has to at least be open to a discussion about it and you are allowed to disagree without having to put up with sulking.