Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or will boys be boys?

58 replies

Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 16:38

We were at the park earlier today n my 3 year old son was playing as boys do (climbing hills,playing in the mud) etc n my oh was bring so cautious every 2 seconds telling him to stop, be careful and don't get dirty. Now am I not right thinking when we grew up this was part of life? We got mucky we scraped our knees and had a great laugh.

We're home now and oh is sulking in the bedroom cause apparently this is me undermining him as a parent?

To add context my 3 year old has just been diagnosed as epileptic however it it controlled with medication and my sister had epilepsy her whole life, my parents wrapped her up in cotton wool and now she's in her 40s and can't do anything for herself as she was never shown for fear of making her ill. I don't want my son growing up like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:11

I don't class him as ill I just explain he has a medical condition which can and has been brought on with nothing causing it.

That's amazing the wee boys parents should be so proud 💓

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2022 17:23

I counted it as a good day if DD came home with sand in her hair and water in her boots. Getting grubby is great. And good for their health.

Honestly children great at working with both parents. They'll learn who is fine with more 'risk'.

phoenixrosehere · 15/02/2022 17:25

If it’s a recent diagnosis I would cut your oh some slack. Discuss his concerns, put your side across and see if there is a middle ground.

Agree with this. It is going to take him some time to accept this.

When our oldest was diagnosed with autism, it took DH some time to get used to it whereas for me it was ok and continued as normal for the most part because what else could be done other than adapt to it which I already had having been a SAHM and DH being away for 12 hours a day and on long international business trips. I left him to it, let him go into protective mode and stepped in when necessary (if it was upsetting our son). He soon relaxed and got to the point of where I was. He does still worry of course but we discuss it together and take turns using our methods.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:27

My mum used to say this to me 🤣 if I didn't come home caked in mud she'd worry something was wrong lol

The point I was trying to get across his nursery is no where near this cautious so we've no need to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:28

I wish we could come to some sort of agreement, my oh won't even put the heating on for longer than 10 mins at a time cause god forbid our Ds overheats and something happens.

OP posts:
saltedcaramelanything · 15/02/2022 17:29

*If it’s a recent diagnosis I would cut your oh some slack. Discuss his concerns, put your side across and see if there is a middle ground.

Agree with this.

You also have very different backgrounds regarding this. You grew up with a sister with this condition - so it's going to be less "scary" to you. And you saw how she was treated and the impact that had - so have a different approach.

For your DH it's probably new and scary and he's reacting the same way your parents did - which is totally understandable.

You need to have a clear conversation about it and find a middle ground.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:31

The seizures my sister takes and the ones DS has are different but the impact afterwards is the same. I can't make him see that I know what I'm dealing with but he's having none of it

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/02/2022 17:34

The more you post the more obvious it is that he is understandably struggling with the diagnosis.

Are you in touch with any charities or similar that could perhaps support him?

Ds has a collection of diagnosis. But when he got a new one last year age 12 it still took me time to adjust to it.

Somethingsnappy · 15/02/2022 17:35

I agree with you OP. I think it's a shame if kids are made to feel they can't play properly, for fear of getting their clothes dirty etc. They need to play and explore.

Sirzy · 15/02/2022 17:35

@Somethingsnappy

I agree with you OP. I think it's a shame if kids are made to feel they can't play properly, for fear of getting their clothes dirty etc. They need to play and explore.
This is obviously about a lot more than dirty clothes though
MomOfCritters · 15/02/2022 17:36

Is it possible your OH has anxiety or something similar? Even your DS diagnosis could have brought it to the surface maybe. I can be quite protective of my DC but that is due to having quite bad anxiety, and in my mind a bad thing has happened to them already when they are happily playing (I've had CBT to help with this), I would leave the conversation with him for now and try again another time and see how it goes then, I do agree kids should be kids and gets messy and hurt themselves but sometimes it's easier said than done.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:36

I know he's struggling with the diagnosis but discussing things isn't exactly a strong point, he just assumes I'm having a go!

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 15/02/2022 17:36

Have you listened to what he is worried about? Does he feel his concerns are dismissed? Another poster mentioned getting the gp/specialist to talk to him. I think you have to be careful that you aren’t dismissing his concerns out of hand because you have experience, have you explained why you don’t want to treat your son differently? Hopefully in time it will get less scary and he will be able to relax.

SeaToSki · 15/02/2022 17:38

Maybe it would help your DH to join a support group for parents of kids with epilepsy. Sometimes its easier to hear things from strangers

I found this link which might signpost you to something

www.epilepsy.org.uk/info/children-young-adults/children/coming-to-terms

I think you are being very sensible by the way. If DS doesnt get proper gross motor play while he is little he will not develop properly.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:39

I'm going to try address the subject later when DS is in bed, I get he's scared but wrapping him up and stopping him doing things will only result in our son being frightened to do anything

OP posts:
Jjjaaakkk · 15/02/2022 17:39

Maybe he needs to hear it from someone else, you’re too close.
A help group perhaps?

Cheeseonpost · 15/02/2022 17:39

Well did you undermine him at the park?

As if so, YABU. Discuss differences 1:1

Imagine the outrage if this was the other way around, a woman coming here blasting her other half for allowing their child to play recklessly and was asking whether she was unreasonable to say something.

Mumoblue · 15/02/2022 17:39

I was watching a parenting video the other day, I can’t remember the exact context but it had the quote “Don’t intervene if [your kid] is doing dangerous things safely”. I often repeat that to myself in my head if I find myself obsessing over how my son could potentially hurt himself on this or that piece of playground equipment or just running around.

It does sound like your partner could potentially use someone to talk to about his anxieties about your child and their diagnosis. Is that something they’d do?

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:40

I'll suggest reaching out to support groups n see how he feels

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 15/02/2022 17:41

I agree with you, but I am sympathetic to him; he's obviously scared, and it's understandable.
Support groups are a good idea, as suggested by pps.
You need to be able to have a calm and productive conversation about it too though IMO.

ShowOfHands · 15/02/2022 17:41

It's not really about you feeling confident and unworried. He's feeling anxious with a relatively new diagnosis with which to contend. He probably needs support to adjust.

And if it's a 3yo up a tree, I don't think being under him just in case is a bad thing. I appreciate there will be more to it but we have a family member who was confident and able and significantly older than 3 who fell from a tree and has life altering injuries. I'm no helicopter parent but tree climbing at 3 requires close supervision. The rest of the playing is fine and normal.

Original poster
Twistedunicorn · 15/02/2022 17:42

When we discussed it earlier I got blanked and told he wasn't interested and no longer wanted to hear what I said. Again read back I've posted before about hitting a brick wall

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 15/02/2022 17:43

Good luck. I really hope he can see that your son will be ok, maybe a help group will be good, maybe letting him be a little bit over protective for a while till he sees he is ok would be ok too? He doesn’t have your experience and might feel you are dismissing his fears too quickly. Maybe ask him what he is worried will happen and find a way to work out what you can both do to help him feel more reassured and let your son play.

Sirzy · 15/02/2022 17:47

When you talk are you listening to his concerns or just telling him his way is wrong?

Satingreenshutters · 15/02/2022 17:49

I would probably have made that wording error too OP, don't mind the pile on.

I agree totally with you.