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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP can’t keep a secret

58 replies

Flowerdog123 · 15/02/2022 13:22

DP and I are expecting our first baby together (previously had a MMC) it has been challenging needed days off work for sickness etc.
We are talking about finding out baby’s gender at 20 week scan but I would like to find out and keep it a secret until baby is born. DP agrees to this but last time we choose to keep our puppy’s name a secret until we picking him up he blabbed to his parents.

Now I don’t feel like I can trust DP with baby’s gender - AIBU if I want to find out gender of baby and keep it a secret from DP?

OP posts:

Aprilx · 15/02/2022 13:24

I can understand people wanting to find out and I can understand people not wanting to find out. The parents finding out and not telling anyone else seems a bit odd to me. One parent finding out and not telling the other, absolutely not. It just isn’t going to work.

LydiaFTM · 15/02/2022 13:31

I agree with PP. Why don't you want anyone else to know? And surely you want to share this time with your partner and both be excited about having a little boy or girl. To be honest I think you will both find it hard to keep it a secret as you'll start referring to the baby as he/she and will probably let slip to someone. That's what happened to my sister.

MinnieMountain · 15/02/2022 13:38

Definitely an odd way to go about things.

bcc89 · 15/02/2022 13:41

It's not going to work. Keep it a surprise for you both when the baby is born.

Ponoka7 · 15/02/2022 13:42

What's the need to keep all these secrets? There won't be any more excitement because they don't know the sex of their grandchild. It's his news to share how he chooses.

Louisianagumbo · 15/02/2022 13:43

I don't understand this. Why is it important for you to know but no one else to know? What do you think people are going to do with the information? And why would you want to keep your parents in the dark? Surely it's a time to be happy and share the news.

DysmalRadius · 15/02/2022 13:45

Why do you want to find out but not share? I think that might make it easier to understand. But, realistically, once you know, are you not going to start referring to it as 'he' or 'she'? It will be REALLY hard not to accidentally let slip once you know, so if it's more important to you that other people don't know than that you do, then I wouldn't find out.

Tricked2003 · 15/02/2022 13:45

You seem to be making something very simple into something very complex?
I didn't find out with either of mine and it was lovely, I can't imagine keeping it a secret between partners, or from family.

Keep it simple..........everyone knows or nobody knows, no slip-ups then.

Pyri · 15/02/2022 13:48

How unfair to your husband, it’s his baby too!

And, I mean this in the nicest way, but no one cares what sex your baby is

Uafasach · 15/02/2022 13:50

We did this - found out what we were having but didn't tell anyone. We told them we hadn't found out; it made it easier.

Have a chat with DP - this secret is more important than the name of a puppy, maybe he will keep it. Would he be happy you finding out and not telling him?

emuloc · 15/02/2022 13:53

Why do you wish to keep the babies sex a secret? Too find out and not tell your OH is just plain wrong.

Original poster

Flowerdog123 · 15/02/2022 13:54

Thank you for your comments - having an older sister who choose to keep the gender a secret is definitely influencing me! It’s been a stressful period and not planning to share the pregnancy news widely.. I think both parents finding out or keeping it a complete surprise is what we will choose .. one of the reasons for not wanting to share the baby’s gender is not wanting to receive gender specific gifts all pink / all blue or bombarded with names/opinions

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/02/2022 13:56

Not what you are asking but honestly i find all this "we know the sex and will reveal it to you plebians once PFB arrives" is totally bizarre.

I am 37 weeks we are having a girl - everyone knows we are having a girl amd we have told people what we will be calling her.

cushioncovers · 15/02/2022 13:58

Why don't you want the grandparents to know op?

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/02/2022 13:58

Missed the update

My post looks a bit harsh against that context.

We explicitly said no pink please (it has obviously been partially ignored by DM and MIL everyone else has been fairly cool about it.)

AnotherMansCause · 15/02/2022 14:02

I always think it's a bit odd when people find out the sex of their baby but then won't tell anyone. Either find out & let people know, or don't. If you aren't going to tell people, why do you want to know. They're going to find out soon enough, & so will you. And do you really think your DP has less right to know than you?

DropYourSword · 15/02/2022 14:02

@Totalwasteofpaper

Missed the update

My post looks a bit harsh against that context.

We explicitly said no pink please (it has obviously been partially ignored by DM and MIL everyone else has been fairly cool about it.)

I could have written your initial post too until I saw the OPs update. And then I realised, ah, yeah, I guess I understand a little better now why people sometimes do this!

Nextfarm · 15/02/2022 14:04

Well if your concern is people buying gender specific gifts then you are better telling them in advance, surely? "Just to say we're having a girl but are keen to avoid gender stereotypes so please no pink" etc. I'm pregnant with a girl and have already said similar.

DysmalRadius · 15/02/2022 14:05

If you don't want gendered gifts then you can be clear about that without withholding the baby's sex. People who are inclined to send pink or blue gifts will do so when the baby's born unless you do, and knowing the sex earlier won't change that unless you explain your reasoning.

TravellingFrom · 15/02/2022 14:09

one of the reasons for not wanting to share the baby’s gender is not wanting to receive gender specific gifts all pink / all blue or bombarded with names/opinions

Then don't find out the gender.
Get some non gender specific clothes. Keep your ideas for names to yourself (even though you might have the same issue with your dh ).

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 14:11

If you don’t want him to blab, neither of you need to find out.

JuneySunshine · 15/02/2022 14:11

Oh gosh. I would keep it simple and either find out and tell everyone or don't find out yourselves.
Even if you can keep a secret yourself I'd hate the months of trying not to slip up saying he or she instead of they- just seems to make life difficult.

Original poster

Flowerdog123 · 15/02/2022 14:11

Thank you all - asking to keep things gender neutral would definitely be a solution without keeping any secrets 😁

OP posts:

TakeYourFinalPosition · 15/02/2022 14:11

We didn't find out, but if we had, we wouldn't have told everyone.

Then again, it probably strongly depends on your family.

Well if your concern is people buying gender-specific gifts then you are better telling them in advance, surely?

Mine and DH's would have absolutely ignored that.

But I do think if you find out, your DP needs to know too - it'd be almost impossible not to let it slip accidentally when referring to the baby. I had a strong feeling about what our baby was, and found it very hard not to refer them using those pronouns even without "knowing".

bigred22 · 15/02/2022 14:12

Does he want to keep the gender a secret too? Things like this only work when you both want the same thing

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