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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP can’t keep a secret

58 replies

Flowerdog123 · 15/02/2022 13:22

DP and I are expecting our first baby together (previously had a MMC) it has been challenging needed days off work for sickness etc.
We are talking about finding out baby’s gender at 20 week scan but I would like to find out and keep it a secret until baby is born. DP agrees to this but last time we choose to keep our puppy’s name a secret until we picking him up he blabbed to his parents.

Now I don’t feel like I can trust DP with baby’s gender - AIBU if I want to find out gender of baby and keep it a secret from DP?

OP posts:
IntegrityisDead · 15/02/2022 14:12

I found out and husband didn't - we had had to deal with the death of our first child and it was really important me to know the sex of her sibling to be, my husband felt equally strongly that he wanted to wait to find out until the baby arrived safely. So that's what we did, I told no-one and managed to keep baby and the secret safe until the birth.

It worked for us - it's important to find your way through this together but it doesn't have to be the exact same journey......

HollowTalk · 15/02/2022 14:13

You can find out yourself if they've recorded your baby's heart rate.

fairislecable · 15/02/2022 14:19

I was expecting twins and my DH didn’t want to know so on one of the scans I asked the sonographer and kept it secret from him.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/02/2022 14:21

Oh I find it so odd "we know but we aren't telling" - fab Brenda, it's irrelevant to me anyway, happy to wait.

Momijin · 15/02/2022 14:22

Most people don't buy gifts until your baby is here anyway. But just ask for gender neutral stuff.

Pamparam · 15/02/2022 14:26

I find this idea strange. Know a couple of people who have done it. For me it's like 'gender reveals'. No one really cares about the sex of your baby as much as you, so finding out and 'keeping it a secret' is really pointless! Either don't find out at all so everyone has a surprise or just find out and tell people 🤷🏻‍♀️

purplebutterflybiscuits · 15/02/2022 14:26

Just wanted to say OP that with both my DC me and DH found out the sex of the baby at 20 weeks and in both cases we kept it a secret from everyone else until the birth. We just said we didn't find out. Only one close friend tripped me up and was able to tell from my reaction the sex of DC2 but by that point I was overdue and she was happy to keep the secret for a few days. I don't think there is anything weird about doing it like that at all.

In your case though, I think if you really want to know then you should find out and if DH wants to know he should find out too. I think you should then be prepared that he might not be able to keep it secret and don't be too hard on him if he slips up. It's not that big a deal if other people find out.

Holskey · 15/02/2022 14:28

We found out the sex of mine a few weeks ago and we were tempted to keep it secret - not because we're smug, deluded twats who think everyone's desperate to know our privileged information!

MIL annoyed me by 'knowing' it would be a girl because I'm 'carrying differently' Hmm and I can't explain why that annoys me so much. And my parents want a girl because they only have grandsons, and that annoys me too (that they'd be disappointed with the sex of my child if she were a boy). We'd also shared names we like so MIL keeps referring to unborn baby by name and, again, I can't explain why I hate it but I do. We've not named her yet, she's not even born, back off! I find it creepy.

Holskey · 15/02/2022 14:30

@Momijin

Most people don't buy gifts until your baby is here anyway. But just ask for gender neutral stuff.
Yes, most people actually wait until they know the sex specifically so they can buy something gendered!
Momijin · 15/02/2022 14:35

@Holskey I knew and announced the sex of all of mine at 18 weeks pg and most of my gifts came after they had been born. And also, a lot came with gift receipts in case it was the wrong size or duplicates.

irishfarmer · 15/02/2022 14:40

My mam is mad for me to find out so that she can start buying baby clothes! So I'm not sure asking them to be gender neutral will work!

I think ye have to decide if ye will both find out or neither. But that's me I'm 17 wks, I slightly want to know, DH doesn't, but I would not be able to keep it from him and if we both find out I would 100% tell my family. So I'm like your DH, I wouldn't do it out of spite, I would do it out of excitement.

Holskey · 15/02/2022 14:41

[quote Momijin]@Holskey I knew and announced the sex of all of mine at 18 weeks pg and most of my gifts came after they had been born. And also, a lot came with gift receipts in case it was the wrong size or duplicates.[/quote]
Yeah, I think people do tend to wait even if they know the sex, but people do tend to buy gendered things even if it means waiting to find out the sex, so as you say, OP will need to request no gendered items anyway.

Aprilx · 15/02/2022 14:41

@Flowerdog123

Thank you for your comments - having an older sister who choose to keep the gender a secret is definitely influencing me! It’s been a stressful period and not planning to share the pregnancy news widely.. I think both parents finding out or keeping it a complete surprise is what we will choose .. one of the reasons for not wanting to share the baby’s gender is not wanting to receive gender specific gifts all pink / all blue or bombarded with names/opinions
Your reasoning doesn’t make any sense. I would not dream of buying a gift for a baby before it is safely delivered and I didn’t think anybody else did either.

As to name suggestions, well I didn’t know people did this either but if somebody was going to they can just as easily say “how about James for a boy and Lily for a girl”.

Honestly, with this and keeping a puppy’s name secret? You really need to get over yourself, the minutiae of your life are not as important to everybody else as you seem to think.

Sally872 · 15/02/2022 14:47

Find out knowing there is a decent chance he won't manage to keep secret. Or don't find out. Not acceptable to find out and not tell him if he wants to know.

Midlifemusings · 15/02/2022 14:47

You would be finding out the sex not gender.

I have never understood how the whole gender reveal thing came about. You are revealing sex not gender!

Gowithme · 15/02/2022 14:49

You do know that putting pink or blue clothes on a baby isn't going to influence them or affect them in any way right? It's about the parents not the baby. It amazes me that people wouldn't want their baby boy to have blue clothes when it's such a common colour although I wouldn't personally buy pink for a girl as I'm not keen on pink as a colour. I mean if you don't like the colour pink then just tell people that but worrying about gender stereotypes when the baby really won't be is just ridiculous IMO.

Also insisting that your OH is not allowed to tell his parents the babies sex because you don't want to tell anyone is very unfair. I think it would be better if you just don't find out - but again if he would like to know then that should be up to him.

Gowithme · 15/02/2022 14:51

Also wanting to keep the puppies name secret as well is just bizarre - why would you?? It like you want control and the power of you knowing and others not knowing. Very, very strange.

Michellebops · 15/02/2022 14:56

We found out the sex and only told a few people. Our choice. And if you choose to do this then no one can judge you for this.

Ps my OH cannot keep a secret, I'm surprised he did this though

godmum56 · 15/02/2022 15:05

@Pyri

How unfair to your husband, it’s his baby too!

And, I mean this in the nicest way, but no one cares what sex your baby is

this. In the grand scheme of things, knowing the gender and gender revealing is very new indeed. If I was your partner I'd be cross about this.....and "he blabbed the puppy's name" oh have a word with yourself.
godmum56 · 15/02/2022 15:06

@Michellebops

We found out the sex and only told a few people. Our choice. And if you choose to do this then no one can judge you for this.

Ps my OH cannot keep a secret, I'm surprised he did this though

"no one can judge you for this" really? Grin
MsVanDeKamp · 15/02/2022 15:08

We announced all our DCs genders. It gave grandparents and aunts the joy of knitting / buying clothes for the baby that were not neutral (ie a dress). I don't really understand the secret keeping.

MsGrumpytrousers · 15/02/2022 15:08

@Flowerdog123

Thank you for your comments - having an older sister who choose to keep the gender a secret is definitely influencing me! It’s been a stressful period and not planning to share the pregnancy news widely.. I think both parents finding out or keeping it a complete surprise is what we will choose .. one of the reasons for not wanting to share the baby’s gender is not wanting to receive gender specific gifts all pink / all blue or bombarded with names/opinions
We didn't find out beforehand because we didn't care, and even after the baby was born we didn't look for quite a while, until the midwives said they really needed to fill in their forms... We sent out an email that just said "We've had a baby!" and avoided the pink and blue nonsense altogether.
Velvian · 15/02/2022 15:17

I was going to pedantic like PP and point out that you are finding out the sex not gender. Grin. I guess it came about as a sex reveal party sounds like quite a different thing. Shock.

godmum56 · 15/02/2022 15:19

@Velvian

I was going to pedantic like PP and point out that you are finding out the sex not gender. Grin. I guess it came about as a sex reveal party sounds like quite a different thing. Shock.
and MUCH more interesting!!
DearDoggos · 15/02/2022 15:31

We kept the gender secret from husband's parents to avoid being inundated with pink plastic crap and 100s of frilly dresses. I told a few people at work or close friends, but didn't broadcast it. In fact we didn't really tell anyone apart from need to know people at work until it was really obvious, helped by winter clothing and a relatively small bump! It's actually really nice to have something you can be excited about together as a couple with nobody else knowing. Also reduces the offering of opinions on names etc or general random comments on one sex being easier than the other blah blah blah. Quite a few friends did the same in keeping the gender a secret. Have to admit that big gender reveals make me cringe!! I do think it will be challenging to keep it from your husband though, unless you can have a quick word with your sonographer before he comes into the room?