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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU moving 30 minutes away from my family?

72 replies

Bex268 · 15/02/2022 13:08

My mum died almost two years ago and my dad moved closer to me and my sister. I helped him find the house and was happy he was closer to us.

It was never mine or my husband’s intention to raise our family where we are - we have a two year old. We like it here, lovely area and we thought we’d make it work since my dad needs us, for company, not health wise as he’s still young and very active.

But we want to move to a better area with nicer schools and I’m feeling very guilty. My dad is annoyed we’re even considering it and has made snide comments, so we’ve taken our house off the market for this reason and our buyer pulled out.

We agreed we’d stay put - our house is nice and we’re in a nice community, but I feel like this isn’t it for me and I quite want a new adventure.

In a way I don’t know if I want to move because I feel trapped or because I want to move 😭.

AIBU to just give it a try. My husband is happy with either but if we moved he’d be so close to work and nearer his parents too.

It’s hard. I expected my mum still be here and I’m trying to be there for my dad but I have a family too now.

OP posts:
marqueses · 15/02/2022 13:10

Is there some factor that you've missed out? It's 30 minutes away not 300 miles. It takes me longer than that to get to work, how could it be unreasonable?

Gizacluethen · 15/02/2022 13:13

30 minutes is nothing for one. But also, it was 2 years ago, he can't hold you trapped forever, he's young and active, he can make friends and start hobbies. You can't be your dad's whole social life and you can't put your life on hold for him either.

Sicario · 15/02/2022 13:15

It depends whether you want to live your life in accordance with your own wishes, or to live it in accordance with your father's wishes.

Women in particular are conditioned to put other people first - parents, children, husbands - it's deeply entrenched from an early age. Then if you dare to step outside of those expectations, comes all the fear, obligation and guilt.

This is YOUR life. Not your father's.

ChittyBangs · 15/02/2022 13:15

30 mins is nothing.
Takes me 20 to get to my mams, an extra 10 is nothing.

gigantaraffe · 15/02/2022 13:16

It's half an hour! I moved 2 hours away to have a better life with my dd. Never looked back. Op don't let people make you feel bad. You're hardly moving to bloody Antarctica!

SoftPillow · 15/02/2022 13:18

30 mins is still very close. Once you're in a car does it matter if it's 9 mins or 30 mins, it's much of a muchness at this point.

We live 30 mins from in-laws, which works well. And 9hrs from my parents, which admittedly is a little too far for my liking. I'd still count on them in an emergency, distance is no issue with family in need

Original poster
Bex268 · 15/02/2022 13:20

I can’t thank you enough for your posts everyone, so many in such a short space of time.

It’s definitely only 18 miles away, 30 minutes in the car.

I really want to and I wish I could shake these constant feelings of guilt away.

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 15/02/2022 13:20

30 minutes!

Do you and your dad always walk to each other's house now? How often do you see each other?

JustWonderingIfYou · 15/02/2022 13:24

30 minutes is nothing. You can't put your life on hold for your dad- its not like you're actually going any great distance.

You only get one chance to bring up your kids, do it where you want to.

SweetPotatoDumpling · 15/02/2022 13:26

Good lord OP, I moved 9000 miles away from my family with barely a moments thought (I told them of course, but I didn't for a second expect any resistance, it was my life, my decision 🤷‍♀️)

I'm not sure why you think 30 minutes away is even worth mentioning to your family...it wouldn't have entered my head that this was even an issue 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
Bex268 · 15/02/2022 13:27

We do often walk to see each other or to meet somewhere local, typically two or three times a week as I still work four days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bex268 · 15/02/2022 13:28

@SweetPotatoDumpling it might be because since my mum’s death I’ve become almost like his go to person. My sister works a lot so it isn’t the same between those two as it is for me and my dad. I adore him but I’m not sure enough to give up this desire to move on.

OP posts:
GiantSpider · 15/02/2022 13:29

I agree with other posters. 30 minutes is nothing! Don't feel guilty OP.

Momijin · 15/02/2022 13:30

A 30 minute move wouldn't register. And even if you wanted to move to the other side of the world, that would be fine too.

Your dad has to find his own entertainment, can't rely on his kids for that!

Member984815 · 15/02/2022 13:34

You can't live your life for other people , 30 mins is not far at all and he will soon get used to it .

billy1966 · 15/02/2022 13:34

30 minutes is nothing.

He is very wrong to guilt you.

Put your house back on the market and see less of him.

Do not accept snide remarks.

This is typical male selfishness, expecting a woman to put his needs first, ahead of what's best for her and her family.

You do not owe your father your future.

Your first responsibility is to your own family.

Move.Flowers

Echobelly · 15/02/2022 13:36

30 minutes away is not 'moving away' - a lot of people would love to be that close to their family. I live 25 minutes from my parents and always considered that staying really close to them!

Katela18 · 15/02/2022 13:47

Your dad is being really unreasonable to be making you feel guilty about this. As other posters have said, 30 mins is nothing!

My parents moved 6 hours away from my siblings and I, we still see them regularly. Do what you feel is best for your family!

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/02/2022 13:50

@Bex268

I can’t thank you enough for your posts everyone, so many in such a short space of time.

It’s definitely only 18 miles away, 30 minutes in the car.

I really want to and I wish I could shake these constant feelings of guilt away.

It's really not far we used to do that 2 x per week tosee relatives.

He should be helping you andqking your lives easier not guilt tripping you.
1
Crack on with your plans.

Horst · 15/02/2022 13:50

30 minutes is nothing. I’m moving what will be over an hour on public transport away from my parents and neither of us drive. My dh does but he works long hours.

My priority is my children and raising them in the best place I can. You helped your dad when he needed it and your sister is still there too.

Don’t become trapped for someone else’s wants. He wants you there he doesn’t need you there.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/02/2022 13:50

The typos 🤦‍♀️

StrongTea · 15/02/2022 13:50

Your dad is active and in good health, very unfair of him to make you feel guilty. We moved away from mil and she wasn’t happy but tough.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2022 13:51

Don’t let someone else delay your life plans, that’s really unfair of him. Surely your dh is going mad at the insanity of pulling the house off the market (and letting down the buyer!)

Flippydip · 15/02/2022 13:53

30 minutes? That's only down the road and still pretty local! Christ, I travel further than that to get to the nearest supermarket. It's very unfair of him to be annoyed with you, you shouldn't feel guilty at all.

SallyWD · 15/02/2022 13:59

It takes me 8 hours to drive to my parents house. I'd give anything to be only 30 minutes away. It's nothing. You can still see your dad a lot.