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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU moving 30 minutes away from my family?

72 replies

Bex268 · 15/02/2022 13:08

My mum died almost two years ago and my dad moved closer to me and my sister. I helped him find the house and was happy he was closer to us.

It was never mine or my husband’s intention to raise our family where we are - we have a two year old. We like it here, lovely area and we thought we’d make it work since my dad needs us, for company, not health wise as he’s still young and very active.

But we want to move to a better area with nicer schools and I’m feeling very guilty. My dad is annoyed we’re even considering it and has made snide comments, so we’ve taken our house off the market for this reason and our buyer pulled out.

We agreed we’d stay put - our house is nice and we’re in a nice community, but I feel like this isn’t it for me and I quite want a new adventure.

In a way I don’t know if I want to move because I feel trapped or because I want to move 😭.

AIBU to just give it a try. My husband is happy with either but if we moved he’d be so close to work and nearer his parents too.

It’s hard. I expected my mum still be here and I’m trying to be there for my dad but I have a family too now.

OP posts:
poshme · 15/02/2022 14:01

18 miles!!

My parents live over 150 miles away.

He is being unreasonable. Unless he has additional needs, can't drive or use public transport.

TTstormtrooper · 15/02/2022 14:03

18 miles is nothing. He does realise there are people who travel this, if not more, to work each day?

I'm waiting on the drip feed that he's expecting you to take on the default female do everything role since your DM died.

Cakelover17 · 15/02/2022 14:03

In the nicest possible way, I think you and your dad are being a bit over dramatic here. You with your raging guilt and taking your house off the market, and him with his sulking, it’s 30 minutes, it’s nothing. He will get over it and you’ll be happier for it and you can still see eachother loads because it’s only 30 minutes! Sell your house and live your own life OP!

One day he will sadly be gone too and you’ll be living in the wrong place full of regret. But if you move he will just get over it one it’s done and see you lots anyway.

sausagesandchamp · 15/02/2022 14:08

Urgh! I can't stand adults- especially a parent- who make snide remarks. So childish. He's clearly being very selfish, to his daughter and grandchildren, in an immature way. I guess it does stem from a love or dependency on you all. Yanbu to move 30 mins away. He can learn to live with that and see you several times a week still. Your life cannot stay stagnant for his selfish tantrum.

asadshah · 15/02/2022 14:13

This reply has been deleted

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TheTeenageYears · 15/02/2022 14:24

DF is being completely unreasonable, you can't be a substitute for your DM and need to be able to live your own life.

MasterBeth · 15/02/2022 14:28

Stupid discussion. 30 minutes is nothing - the other side of a small city.

DisforDarkChocolate · 15/02/2022 14:31

30 minutes!!

So, how long are you planning to put your life on hold for? Five years, ten? Honestly, just move.

JustSmallFry · 15/02/2022 14:39

As someone who lives 30 hours from family (and as a result hasn't seen them since 2018), 30 minutes seems like a ridiculous distance to get worried about

Original poster
Bex268 · 15/02/2022 14:42

Thank you people for the lovely thoughtful comments.

I didn’t expect so many, thank you!

I guess things can become a bit muddled when life throws an unexpected turn your way. It might be worth keeping this in mind to some of you who have posted without much thought. It feels like my dad moved closer to me and, in turn, I’m proposing to move further away. It’s a little more complicated than some have made out. Or, I have made it 😭. Either way, I can’t help how I feel but wish I could.

OP posts:
marqueses · 15/02/2022 14:48

@MasterBeth

Stupid discussion. 30 minutes is nothing - the other side of a small city.
There are long term roadworks near me that mean it takes nearly that long to go about 3 miles at rush hour, it's so alien to me that anyone thinks this is a long time to drive somewhere
Others4Dreams · 15/02/2022 15:46

If you want to move, then move !

There is actually nobody stopping you (only yourself)

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2022 16:02

I can kind of see your dads point. It's been less than 2 years since you found him a house near you. Did you not discuss the fact with him before he moved that you probably didn't want to stay in the area?

Original poster
Bex268 · 15/02/2022 16:12

@Hankunamatata no 😭 I just figured that we’d stay as he needed us. Stupid really but I’d just had a baby and well I wasn’t thinking straight. I know I’ve just made this more complicated.

OP posts:
Rewis · 15/02/2022 16:17

30 minutes is nothing. However, is this kore about your dad moving closer to you and sister. Was that a bigger move? Was he into it? Did you talk about hie grandkids will be talking distance when talking about him moving? I'm wondering if he is reacting to that. Cause 30 minutes is the same as living down the read.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 15/02/2022 16:21

30 minutes is nothing! I live 4 hours from mine. I am moving closer this year - but no closer than 40 minutes.

But many people in my family have not stayed where they grew up.

crosstalk · 15/02/2022 16:30

Hi OP sympathies. Just explain a couple of things. When he moved to be near you after your DM's death, how far away from your DPs were you from your current home? and how near is he to you now? Does he drive? Are there train/bus services to where you would move?

I can understand if he is fragile after losing your ma (though youngish and fit) he felt he was settled and had company (and possibly in the back of his mind, someone who would care at the drop of a hat were he to become debilitated in some way). But does he socialise in his new home near you or just depend on you?

A half an hour drive is no time at all for those of us who've moved countries and counties without large families prepared to pick up the pieces.

Original poster
Bex268 · 15/02/2022 17:23

@crosstalk

He lived about 20 minutes away (in the car) with my mum and I used to see them about once a week. Now we are about 5 minutes walk from each other. He drives, yes, but thinks that if I move then I should be the one to make the effort since he moved closer to us.

He has friends and socialises with them through sport but he has no job and is easily bored. He’s very lonely.

OP posts:
mogsrus · 15/02/2022 17:29

Don’t feel guilty on any account,30 mins is like going to the shops, & don’t forget it’s your life,no one else’s, if you don’t do it now,you will regret for a long time,

Hankunamatata · 15/02/2022 21:08

See I disagree about 30 mins being nothing. It's an hour round trip which is totally different from 5 min walk. Would your dad be willing to move again?

Horst · 15/02/2022 21:13

So he was only 20 minutes away moved 5 minutes away but is complaining that your basically moving 25 further minutes away from his already 5 minutes.

That could easily be the other side of a city depending on the traffic not exactly a huge issue. I’m not actually sure why he moved to only 5 minutes away.

TheTeenageYears · 15/02/2022 21:37

[quote Bex268]@crosstalk

He lived about 20 minutes away (in the car) with my mum and I used to see them about once a week. Now we are about 5 minutes walk from each other. He drives, yes, but thinks that if I move then I should be the one to make the effort since he moved closer to us.

He has friends and socialises with them through sport but he has no job and is easily bored. He’s very lonely.[/quote]
Did your parents also live in really close proximity to their parents? There is a whole world out there and your DF moving in the first place when he was only a 20 min drive away has seemingly shut the gates on your world as far as he is concerned. I would try to change things now while he is still fit and healthy. If you don't you will be stuck for ever. I hope you encourage your children to spread their wings. Living close is great when it works for everyone but you have the right to change your mind and if the move also means a better or more suitable education for your DC they should come first - responsibility for your child comes before everyone else.

HelloFrostyMorning · 15/02/2022 21:51

30 miles is nothing! Do it! Grin

HelloFrostyMorning · 15/02/2022 21:52

30 minutes even.

Iwant2move · 15/02/2022 22:01

I moved to San Francisco in my mid twenties, had my children there and now back in the UK and widowed at 52. My youngest son (24) wants to go and work for Apple in California. I won’t do anything to stop him. 30 minutes is nothing.
The second thing my dad said to me after I phoned to say my husband had been killed was,
“You need to move back here.”
I am 50 minutes away.
Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Live your life.