AIBU moving 30 minutes away from my family?

[Bex268]

My mum died almost two years ago and my dad moved closer to me and my sister. I helped him find the house and was happy he was closer to us.

It was never mine or my husband’s intention to raise our family where we are - we have a two year old. We like it here, lovely area and we thought we’d make it work since my dad needs us, for company, not health wise as he’s still young and very active.

But we want to move to a better area with nicer schools and I’m feeling very guilty. My dad is annoyed we’re even considering it and has made snide comments, so we’ve taken our house off the market for this reason and our buyer pulled out.

We agreed we’d stay put - our house is nice and we’re in a nice community, but I feel like this isn’t it for me and I quite want a new adventure.

In a way I don’t know if I want to move because I feel trapped or because I want to move 😭.

AIBU to just give it a try. My husband is happy with either but if we moved he’d be so close to work and nearer his parents too.

It’s hard. I expected my mum still be here and I’m trying to be there for my dad but I have a family too now.

[quote Bex268]@crosstalk

He lived about 20 minutes away (in the car) with my mum and I used to see them about once a week. Now we are about 5 minutes walk from each other. He drives, yes, but thinks that if I move then I should be the one to make the effort since he moved closer to us.

He has friends and socialises with them through sport but he has no job and is easily bored. He’s very lonely.[/quote]
He’s probably just thrown by it.

He moved to be closer to you, something you actively supported. Now you’re moving even further than he was before - he’ll not be thinking about specific times probably.

Are you moving nearer where he used to live? Could he be regretting the move?

It’s still early days for all of you after losing your mum (DH said the second year after losing his first wife was worse than the first as everyone else, like friends, had gone back to normal) . Emotions are high.

It sounds like you are close, talk to him as calmly as possible and find out what is really worrying him and go from there.

Gosh, I feel so for your father and I so empathise with his reaction.
So his wife died. You then helped to find a house near you and to move him there. Now have decided 2 years on in effect that your grieving is over and you want an adventure 18 miles away! He's built a life based in what you sold him, visiting 4 times a week and now, that's going to be swept out underneath him?! For the sake of 18 miles. If this location is so wonderful, why can't you just visit it when you wish to for your adventures?
He nay be able to drive today, but life has a horrible way of turning the tables on you and who knows if he will be able to do so next year, in 5 years, a decade. Whereas living 5 minutes away he'd still be able to get to see you, his family. You can say you'd do the lion's share of the travel, but let's be honest that would soon become a something you begrudge giving up your weekend when you want to be on your adventure in this 18 miles away idyllic location and so he'll be an after thought.
I do not get how you cannot live your life, go to this town etc and still remain where you are. Whether you agree or not, imo, you entered into a contract when you agreed, supported and promoted to the move to your area.

@TheTeenageYears oops, posted too soon. Yeah, they did. I think it’s because we’ve always had a tight knit family.

My child, I want them to experience everything I was too guilty to. That’s one of the reasons we want to leave, to open more doors.

Sounds like you are back on track. Please move and get on with living your lives. Your Dad needs to build his life up, it’s not your job to take care of him as if he was an invalid.

I move my elderly mother near to us when her husband died. Now she’s only 30 minutes drive away.
It’s all relative.

@ChoiceMummy

Gosh, I feel so for your father and I so empathise with his reaction. So his wife died. You then helped to find a house near you and to move him there. Now have decided 2 years on in effect that your grieving is over and you want an adventure 18 miles away! He's built a life based in what you sold him, visiting 4 times a week and now, that's going to be swept out underneath him?! For the sake of 18 miles. If this location is so wonderful, why can't you just visit it when you wish to for your adventures? He nay be able to drive today, but life has a horrible way of turning the tables on you and who knows if he will be able to do so next year, in 5 years, a decade. Whereas living 5 minutes away he'd still be able to get to see you, his family. You can say you'd do the lion's share of the travel, but let's be honest that would soon become a something you begrudge giving up your weekend when you want to be on your adventure in this 18 miles away idyllic location and so he'll be an after thought. I do not get how you cannot live your life, go to this town etc and still remain where you are. Whether you agree or not, imo, you entered into a contract when you agreed, supported and promoted to the move to your area.

This is ridiculous and unhelpful hyperbole. Your Dad isn't helpless and 30 minutes is nothing. DH and I are two hours away from our Mums. You would still close enough to see him a couple of times a week without it being a bother. Lots of people live on different continents to their families.

@ChoiceMummy although I agree with some things you are saying, I must stress that I will never stop grieving for the loss of my mum. I miss her every day.

😔 I guess things just change. Priorities change. I want my child going to the best school in the area, living next to more countryside, being closer to the nearest city.

I didn’t plan this.

Where my parents lived was not very desirable and where I live now is safer and nicer. He likes it up here. It’s a better way of living.

Honestly, half an hour away by car is nothing.

If you move, you will still see your dad quite a bit and he'll get used to it. He might even enjoy visiting you in your new house and be involved in any decorating or renovating projects you undertake there.

@ChoiceMummy sorry but that’s a load of bollocks! Of course OP isn’t obliged to stay where she is purely for her fathers sake. In an ideal world it would be nice to be close enough to walk to see family (or in some cases a worst nightmare!) but should OP and her husband potentially turn down good job opportunities, better schools, etc just because her dad moved closer to her? What if OPs in laws become unwell and need extra help, should OP and her husband refuse to move closer to them because of her dad?

He’s not old and frail, OP said he’s active but bored, so he needs to take responsibility for his life and find interesting things to do!

You can’t put your own life on hold for fear of upsetting someone else, and for heaven’s sake it’s 18 miles not 1800!

30 minutes is nothing. I wish I only lived 30 minutes away from my mother.

Your Dad sounds as though he still feels vulnerable and sensitive after losing your Mum but it isn't fair of him to use this to hold you back.

Moving 18 miles (30 minutes) away is hardly abandoning him. Especially if he drives. Does he drive?

Crikey - never lived near my family, work took me elsewhere. I visited, they visited.

You need to make your own decisions about your life with your husband and children. Your dad has made his choices, you must make yours. You aren't emigrating - you are moving 30 minutes away. Your dad is being hideously selfish.

Sometimes I walk to work it’s a mile & half 23 mins nothing is it

How was moving 5min away form you sold to him? Or was it his suggestion? Cause if he didn't want to move and did it because he was asked so he could be close and see grandkids everyday etc. I can see why he is upset. If he just moved without prompting then that's different.

Him and mum lives 20min away is already living super close and moving 5min away doesn't even register "moving closer" cause it already was close. It seems like your familys idea of far is not the norm (and that's ok).

You are not moving to the ends of the earth. Move if you want to and live your life for you and your family.

Moved a 3 hour drive from mine (1.5 hours on the train) from mine last year. Parents behaved as though I was emigrating, made me feel incredibly guilty, but I don't regret it.

You need to move to give your dc all the benefits you have described. Your dc is your priority, your dad less so.
You'll be close enough to still see him regularly. He could even move closer if he wants.

Thanks everyone for your new messages. It’s really helped put things into perspective and I had a really troubled sleep mulling it all over.

My dad moved for two big reasons tbh, one to be nearer his family and another because he didn’t like the area he lived in but my mum was very set on staying there as all her brothers and sisters lived there.

I have always had to put my family before my own needs and my husband’s unfortunately and that’s my own doing I understand. I’ve always been a people pleaser, always tried to make them happy.

In your Dad's position I would be upset if I had moved to be nearer my daughter and then she and her family moved away even if only a 30 minute drive. Whose idea was it that he moved in the first place? Do you have siblings/close family who live nearby to be with him when you are not?

Your situation is why I've never moved nearer my two daughters - one an hour's drive away and the other two hours and neither of them drive! I'm always thinking they could move from their current homes and leave me high and dry

Sorry but IMO you are being unreasonable OP.

He could even move closer if he wants.

He's already made one major move. Think about the cost not only financially but emotionally for him to keep moving! When you get older, even if in good health, moving isn't always the answer.

Bex268 - I've also always been a people pleaser throughout a pretty long life. At the end of the day it's your decision though and no one can dictate what you feel is the best thing to do. Can your father still drive? How often do you and the grandchildren see him now? Many questions really to weigh up the pros and cons.

30 minutes away? That’s nothing.

@sunshinesupermum

😔 some of these comments are really haunting me (and it’s because I know I should stay for him because it’s okay here and I found him the house. I found it because he wanted to move, but I probably did sell the dream of us all being close again).

My dad couldn’t move again as he isn’t able to financially and I don’t think he’s want to anyway. He likes here better than where he used to live: more shops, sports nearer, pubs snd restaurants, better transport, house nicer, has a garden now, neighbours are nice).

Oh no 🙈 I feel like I’ve made a huge mess and I’m only trying to persuade myself!

Honestly, 30 minutes is no distance.

Be clear with your Dad you’ll still be part of each other’s lives and crack on.