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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask should I let her go.

59 replies

Bunnyfuller · 14/02/2022 21:36

DD17, has a part time job and one of her male friends from there has asked her if she would like to go to his house for a sleepover/gaming marathon. He’s a similar age, openly and happily gay, has a boyfriend etc.

Should I let her go? A male ‘friend’ attempted to rape me when I was 24 and it’s never left me. I’m 54 now and the thought of it happening to her turns my stomach. But I know she’s getting to the age where she will be doing her own thing, and I can’t have that degree of surety over her safety.

MN, would you let her go?

OP posts:
genericusername789 · 14/02/2022 21:39

I'd wonder why she has to stay over, can't she go for a few hours and you collect her later on?

genericusername789 · 14/02/2022 21:40

But...I also remember how exciting sleepovers were at that age. At 17 I assume he lives with parents...I'd let her go

JaniceBingALing · 14/02/2022 21:41

Yes I would

Saffy321 · 14/02/2022 21:42

yes of course, she's 17 - old enough to leave home and join the army. Have you had help to deal with your trauma?

Bootskates · 14/02/2022 21:42

At 17 yes of course, I wouldn't have even asked permission at 17 tbh.

I am not being flippant about your experience, I am sorry that happened to you Flowers

Original poster
Bunnyfuller · 14/02/2022 21:43

He doesn’t finish work until 3 and they both start early Sat morning, that’s the rationale for the sleepover (other than it’s fun obvs). He’s said they can sleep in separate rooms.

OP posts:
UmbilicusProfundus · 14/02/2022 21:45

She is 17 so it seems OTT and potentially damaging of your relationship to try to stop her. Sorry to hear about your experience and totally understand how it shapes your judgement on this issue

Nadjahomesoil · 14/02/2022 21:48

At 17 I don't think you can stop her.

Ponoka7 · 14/02/2022 21:49

I think that this would be good for you. Eventually she's going to be going on holiday etc and you can't shield her from risk forever. As a gamer and mother of a gamer, it makes sense why she has to stay over, but at her age she should make that decision anyway.

HairyScaryMonster · 14/02/2022 21:49

If she's a sensible girl with good instincts, i'd ask her what she thinks of the guy. And go through what she'd do in certain circumstances, e.g. don't drink, if he offers drugs, if unexpected guests arrive. He sounds like a safer bet than many, and I'd worry if you keep saying no she'll go anyway one day and not tell you.

fishoutofwine · 14/02/2022 21:51

Sorry for your experience.
At 17 there is not really a “let” about it. Obviously you could make it difficult for her to go, but she’s old enough to live on her own.

ouch321 · 14/02/2022 21:53

Sleepover at 17?

With 2 guys?.

Sounds.. let's say odd.

BitterTits · 14/02/2022 21:54

I have misgivings about this due to an appalling local crime, but if she's honest about where she's going that's something. Do they have mutual friends? I think you're right to have some reservations.

PurpleDaisies · 14/02/2022 21:54

She’s 17. Realistically, can you stop her?

Original poster
Bunnyfuller · 14/02/2022 21:56

@ouch321 one guy. He has a boyfriend but he won’t be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunnyfuller · 14/02/2022 22:03

And in answer to have I had help with what happened, some yes. I had a couple of sessions of EMDR, I said it worked because I felt like there should be some result, but it’s mostly buried.

It was in the times where the victim’s motives were questioned, lots about what I was wearing and trying to convince me I probably just changed my mind at the last minute, why else would I be alone with him etc.

OP posts:
Tomeeornottomee · 14/02/2022 22:10

She’s 17, not 7. At 7 I would let my kids go to sleepovers at 17 I expected them to let me know if they weren’t going to be home. She could be going to uni in a year and even if she doesn’t she’ll be legal to go to pubs, get drunk etc. How are you going to cope with all that’s to come if you are debating “letting” her go to a gay friends house for a fun night playing games?

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/02/2022 22:12

Sure. She’ll be leaving home soon, she’s long passed the age where she should be able to go for a sleepover. Talk to her about ways to be alert to safety (without scaring the shit out of her.)

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/02/2022 22:15

@ouch321

Sleepover at 17?

With 2 guys?.

Sounds.. let's say odd.

Why on earth is it odd??

Op has already said the guy that asked her is gay, if by ‘odd’ you actually mean ‘shagfest’.

Tee20x · 14/02/2022 22:22

She's 17, if she wants to go she will go. I'm sorry that you went through that awful experience but you will not be able to stop your daughter from living life or doing things you worry about because of it.

Much better to create an open door atmosphere where she feels able to talk to you rather than force her into secrecy.

Flickflak · 14/02/2022 22:23

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Notanewusertool · 14/02/2022 22:25

She's hanging out with a mate & crashing at his house. As long as she has pretty good instincts in general, this is an entirely normal thing for a 17 year old to do.

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2022 22:27

Wouldn't even occurred to ask my parents at 17. I would have just let them know I wouldn't be home

Petsop · 14/02/2022 22:27

Would be a no from me.

Woahthehorsey · 14/02/2022 22:30

I voted YABU because I think you're unreasonable to feel you get to make this decision for her. She's 17!