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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask should I let her go.

59 replies

Bunnyfuller · 14/02/2022 21:36

DD17, has a part time job and one of her male friends from there has asked her if she would like to go to his house for a sleepover/gaming marathon. He’s a similar age, openly and happily gay, has a boyfriend etc.

Should I let her go? A male ‘friend’ attempted to rape me when I was 24 and it’s never left me. I’m 54 now and the thought of it happening to her turns my stomach. But I know she’s getting to the age where she will be doing her own thing, and I can’t have that degree of surety over her safety.

MN, would you let her go?

OP posts:
Trolleedollee · 14/02/2022 22:31

I’d let her. However, at 17 living at home and at school I would absolutely expect my child to ask not tell.

Voice0fReason · 14/02/2022 22:34

I don't think you can realistically say no.
Sounds like fun to be honest. The type of thing that I would have done at that age.

blyn72 · 14/02/2022 22:36

In reality she can go whether you like it or not but, yes, I would let her.

Original poster
Bunnyfuller · 14/02/2022 22:36

@Tomeeornottomee both my girls went to sleepovers with other female children when they were 7 too.

At age 17 there’s a little more to think about than which Barbie movie they’ll watch. But thanks for pointing it out.

It’s not that I don’t trust her, of course I trust her. But my previous experience obviously influences my degree of trust of male friends.

What happened to me has coloured my ability to consider the request as clearly as I would like to, which is why I asked MN as a sounding board.

@Flickflak I personally agree with you. At 17 living at home and not able to drive, she most certainly doesn’t have free rein. I’m glad we are ok with how things are. She’s going to Brighton this week with friends. I’m not some Victorian harsh mother protecting her virtue.

OP posts:
Floydthebarber · 14/02/2022 22:42

I don't have teenagers so don't have to make these choices, and having to do so with a past experience like yours must be difficult Flowers

But she is 17. I'm assuming that you said you don't know whether to 'let' her go means she asked you rather than just letting you know? It sounds like you have a kind, thoughtful dd. You can't let your fears hold her back though

newnameforthis76 · 14/02/2022 22:47
  1. She’a 17. You can’t keep her at home forever.
  1. He’s gay. He doesn’t want to shag her.
  1. She is almost old enough to go to university. If you shelter her from things as harmless as going to a friend’s house to stay over, she is not going to be able to handle things like university etc - she’ll be like a rabbit in the headlights.

What happened to you was terrible, but you cannot let it affect your daughter’s life as well as yours. It’s not fair on her. Stopping her from staying over at a mate’s house isn’t protecting her. It’s controlling her.

BurntO · 14/02/2022 22:48

I’d just say “thanks for letting me know” and offer a lift so I knew where they were

YouokHun · 14/02/2022 22:51

@Bunnyfuller

And in answer to have I had help with what happened, some yes. I had a couple of sessions of EMDR, I said it worked because I felt like there should be some result, but it’s mostly buried.

It was in the times where the victim’s motives were questioned, lots about what I was wearing and trying to convince me I probably just changed my mind at the last minute, why else would I be alone with him etc.

Horrible experience for you @Bunnyfuller Flowers

If the treatment you had wasn’t enough (and a couple of sessions isn’t usually adequate) can you not return for trauma focussed therapy (T-CBT) or EMDR with someone properly accredited? It sounds a really difficult burden to carry anyway and especially as your DD will want her freedom more and more and this understandable anxiety will be peeked more often.

It sounds like she’s being open with you so perhaps if she gives you the address of where she is and agrees to text you then you can let her go? If she’s pretty sensible you’re better off giving her some freedom (with some agreements about a text or something) than curtailing it and finding she’s starting to exclude you from decisions. My daughter is 19 and I’ve been having to tolerate zero contact while she’s out and about in London. I can’t ask her to let me know she’s home now as she doesn’t live at home anymore! so I’ve just got to quietly tolerate it and trust her to make the right call and not blunder into dodgy situations. This is probably easier for her to do as she has had some rope before she left home iyswim. You could stop her at 17 but I think you’d be better of letting her go with come caveats.

MunchyMonsters · 14/02/2022 22:56

My gay son has been having sleep overs with his female friends since he was about 6! He is now 20 and still does it.

PonyPatter44 · 14/02/2022 23:01

@Tee20x

She's 17, if she wants to go she will go. I'm sorry that you went through that awful experience but you will not be able to stop your daughter from living life or doing things you worry about because of it.

Much better to create an open door atmosphere where she feels able to talk to you rather than force her into secrecy.

Exactly this - don't try and stop her, let her spread her wings and try to stop thinking that what happened to you might happen again. You sound like a great mum, btw.
MrsGHarrison87 · 14/02/2022 23:03

At 17 it's not up to you sorry

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 14/02/2022 23:14

I totally get where you're coming from OP I too had a similar experience to you when I was an university, and it absolutely does affect the way you look at risks. Especially for your children. Besides 17 seems really old...until you have a 17 year old, and then you realise that actually it's quite young, especially when they've had a couple of years where they've not had the life experience they should have had.

If it was my Dd, and she was really keen, then I'd let her go. I'd be reminding her though that she can ring me at any time of night, it doesn't matter if she's drunk, throwing up or just changes her mind about wanting to be there. I'd absolutely be there as quickly as I could, no questions or judgements just a hug and home.

ultraviolet4753 · 14/02/2022 23:22

I was moved out and married at 17, so no surprise that I say to let her go.

She will eventually go to college, learn to drive, move out, etc. You can't keep her in bubble wrap forever.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 14/02/2022 23:24

This gives me fond memories of sleep overs at my male friend's house when we were the same age, I had to sleep in the spare room, any boys could stay in his room. His very conservative parents thought they were protecting my virtue, when in fact their son is gay and the male friends staying in his room he was having sex with!

Itwasntmeright · 14/02/2022 23:25

She is 17. Are used to stay at my gay best mate’s house all the time when I was 17, we used to sleep in the same room.

WTF475878237NC · 14/02/2022 23:28

, I said it worked because I felt like there should be some result

^ oh no this such a shame. EMDR can take several sessions for any benefit to come it is very individual. Can you arrange for some more?

And no I wouldn't let her go. Once she's 18 that's different because it is time for her to take responsibility for her own good and bad decisions.

HemanOrSheRa · 14/02/2022 23:46

Yes. I'd let her go. I met my best friend when we were 16 (he's a gay man). We are still best friends now at 50. If you think he's a good person and a good friend to your daughter then I definitely say it's ok. I'm not sure you can stop her though?

Bakewelltart987 · 15/02/2022 00:44

At 17 I wouldn't of even asked my parents she's practically an adult let her go.

ash89x · 15/02/2022 00:48

When I was 17 I was in college and some older lads in my class all rented a house together. None were gay and I would often stay at their house and nothing untoward ever happened as we were all massive nerds and when we planned to play video games and watch DVDs that's what we did.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/02/2022 01:11

Have you shared your experience with your DD? Might it not help her to understand the reason for your misgivings as well as give her a needed boost of awareness of situations. As you say, in another year she will be making decisions on her own.

Nowayoutonlydown · 15/02/2022 01:17

Shes 17, I think she needs to be able to make that decision herself.
I assume you have given her the skills to gauge how trustworthy situations are.

If he truly is gay and they're thr only ones there, I can't see much damage in her going for a sleepover

KneadingKitty · 15/02/2022 01:18

She's 17. It's worrying there's a question over letting her and more so that there's people saying no... ?!

KneadingKitty · 15/02/2022 01:21

This may be too blunt, but if it did happen to her now at 17 or in ten years time it wouldn't be your fault. Unfortunately you can't protect her forever and trying to control where she goes at 17 risks pushing her away and her doing things in secret. I know I would have done.

RobertaFirmino · 15/02/2022 01:27

I think you might be catastrophising but I do understand why.

Look at it like this: Yes, this friend is male. He is also gay. That means he has absolutely no interest in her sexually. He is more interested in his boyfriend.

From this, you can infer that he is friendly with your DD because he likes her as a person. This means that he probably treats her with courtesy and respect - not as a potential shag. He is showing her how decent men should behave. He is giving her a benchmark and she will measure future interactions with males against this. This is great! She is learning about standards and where lines should be drawn. This is a very positive friendship and DD will benefit enormously from it.

Blossom64265 · 15/02/2022 04:41

No sleepovers that could result in pregnancy. Sexual orientation and identity is irrelevant.

Yes, she will be leaving home soon enough and will be free to do whatever she wants. That doesn’t mean you have to drop all guidelines just because that day is approaching. Right now is the time where she is getting used to just hanging out with different groups at later hours. The hassle of coming home actually has some value because it gives her a chance to regroup and rethink.

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