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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to know the sex of our baby

54 replies

buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 20:40

We are expecting our third baby and this time I am leaning more towards wanting to find out the sex of the baby after having two suprise babys.

With our first, I leant more towards finding out, but my husband felt very strongly about having a surprise. I normally am the decision maker in our marriage, and I felt it was only fair to let him make the decision as he always let's me get my way and it was something he felt very strongly about.

Come second baby, I was happy to go along with another surprise, but at the 20 week scan I definitely saw male genitals. I told my husband this and he was a bit dismissive of me and told me to forget it and not ruin the surprise. I know what I saw and it felt bothersome having it hang over me the rest of the pregnancy.

With neither birth I had an overwhelming feeling of 'oh this is amazing only just finding out in the moment!'. It felt like a bit of an anticlimax for me. With my daughter i was f**cked on drugs and can't remember feeling any emotion and with my son it felt underwhelming as I knew from what I saw at the scan....

Now, I am leaning more to finding out. I've done the surprise and it wasn't a life changing amazing moment. We have a 5 Yr old who is very sensitive and a 3 Yr old and I think it would help them both to know the sex so they can adjust and prepare.

I thought I could book a private scan for us and the kids, and then we could do something like going shopping for the new baby. That seems really special to me- its a moment I would love to share with my children.

My husband, however, is against it. In fact, he has gone as far as saying 'you find out but don't tell me!' He goes OTT with everything and says he believes its wrong for people to find out and we shouldn't have the choice....

So, AIBU for wanting to find the sex out when my husband is so passionately against it?

OP posts:
BunsOfAnarchy · 14/02/2022 20:44

Yanbu

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2022 20:45

He goes OTT with everything and says he believes its wrong for people to find out and we shouldn't have the choice....

Is he weirdly controlling about other things?

Just do it. The kids will let it slip anyway.

Shutupandcry · 14/02/2022 20:48

YANBU. Drives me insane when people go on about a surprise and how wonderful and special. We found out with first DC- I loved it. Felt so prepared, loved thinking of names without thinking 50% will be pointless and was an exciting boost mid pregnancy. Had a surprise with DC2 S DH wanted one. So many people went on and on about how great we were waiting, how wonderful a surprise would be. She was born ‘it’s a girl’…that’s it. Felt like such an anti climax! I was so grateful they were here and safe and healthy I couldn’t have cared less about the sex. I much preferred knowing but maybe that’s a personal thing. I also find it weird when people act like it’s a surprise for the whole family…no one really cares except the mum and dad. So anyway…imo YANBU!

Notwithittoday · 14/02/2022 20:49

I found out with both of mine. My husband was against it but as far as I’m concerned if it’s growing in me I get the final say, do what you want

Reddishes · 14/02/2022 20:49

I'd say, finding out the sex isn't necessary. If you both want to, it's an extra but who really cares and if he's preferring not to, I'd give him that.

Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 20:51

@MrsTerryPratchett he is not controlling at all. But he is opinionated and sees the world in a very black and white way.

OP posts:
betwixtlives · 14/02/2022 20:51

YABU to take kids to a pregnancy scan, private or not. It’s not always a joyous occasion

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2022 20:52

He can have an opinion. But you get to choose.

Rosegoldivy · 14/02/2022 20:53

YANBU. and I'm saying that having kept both my singleton and my twin pregnancy a suprise. Personally, I loved not knowing.
Each to their own.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/02/2022 20:53

Of course YANBU. Have the special moment with your kids. It's his loss. It's a surprise wether you find out at 20 weeks or 40 weeks. Congratulations OP Smile

sageandbasil · 14/02/2022 20:55

I loved my husband telling me the sex of our baby it was amazing. However if we have any more I personally wouldn't want to find out but if it helped the other children come to terms with jt abit more then i would. I'd be sad tho I really did love him telling me!

NameChangeNymph · 14/02/2022 20:55

You have the right to find out if you want to. He has the right not to find out if he doesn't want to. Go to the scan alone and keep it to yourself.

DenholmElliot · 14/02/2022 20:55

Can you compromise. Go on your own to the scan and find out the sex but don't tell anyone?

lalafam · 14/02/2022 20:55

We found out early each time and I believe it helped us prepare better. People said to me "wouldn't you prefer to have a surprise after 9months of pregnancy " It was still a surprise having the baby regardless of gender. It wasn't like "oh I already know the sex, not bothered about it now"

Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 20:56

@Reddishes

I'd say, finding out the sex isn't necessary. If you both want to, it's an extra but who really cares and if he's preferring not to, I'd give him that.
I agree it isn't necessarily and did side with him the previous two times based on the fact he strongly preffered to not know.

However, our 5 Yr old is very emotional. She struggles exceptionally with change and I think it might help her prepare and understand what's going on.

OP posts:
Pembertonrd · 14/02/2022 20:56

@betwixtlives

YABU to take kids to a pregnancy scan, private or not. It’s not always a joyous occasion
This^^

It's not a place for dc.

Darbs76 · 14/02/2022 20:57

If you want to find out you should, but I wouldn’t take the kids if he feels very strongly about a surprise, as you know they won’t be able to keep a secret that young.

I have 3 kids, 2 surprises and then I found out at 20wks with my 3rd. I didn’t plan on finding out, got to 16wks and the mums in my babycentre group starting finding out and I had an overwhelming need to know now. I had 2 boys and has swayed for a girl and felt that I had to know to give me time to get used to the idea of a 3rd boy. Only it was a daughter! We only told my kids and my best friend; it was actually nice keeping the secret but in hindsight I’d have told ny parents or just not told people I knew as a few were a bit funny because I didn’t tell them; even though that’s my prerogative

Amymamabear89 · 14/02/2022 21:00

What about a compromise? Organise a little get together and maybe some sort of gender reveal he gets the excitement and you both find out early, could that be an option?

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/02/2022 21:01

Sure, if you want.

But if he doesn’t, I wouldn’t tell the kids. I’m not convinced they need to know, a baby’s a baby.

StripStripHooray · 14/02/2022 21:04

@betwixtlives

YABU to take kids to a pregnancy scan, private or not. It’s not always a joyous occasion
I have had two horrendous anomaly scans which ended in baby loss from TFMR.

If OP already knows the baby is healthy and happy and has had the all clear, then I'd absolutely book a private scan to take the kids to.

missymousey · 14/02/2022 21:05

Sounds exactly like my DH. Definitely find out if you want to know.

I found out without DH knowing, and I insisted for the rest of the pregnancy that I was sure she was a girl - supposedly based on how different it felt from being pregnant with our son. You've got one of each so that will be even more believable for you!

betwixtlives · 14/02/2022 21:07

If OP already knows the baby is healthy and happy and has had the all clear

things can go from perfect to awful within a minute, sadly

JemimaTiggywinkle · 14/02/2022 21:10

I don’t think you should take the kids with you for a scan - as others have mentioned.

But YANBU to find out if you want to know - you’re the one growing the baby.

Hugasauras · 14/02/2022 21:10

We've found out both times. Having a baby emerge from my body is enough of a surprise for me, thanks!

We took DD to our private scan with DD2, who I'm currently pregnant with. She loved seeing the baby 'wave' at her and still talks about it a few weeks on. I told my husband in advance that if it was bad news then he was to take her out ASAP and I'd deal with it. She's too young to have understood anyway.

SnackSizeRaisin · 14/02/2022 21:10

I didn't care what the sex was but I still liked finding out. It makes it seem more real. I don't think I need the surprise when he or she is born - there's enough excitement already on that day