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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wanting to know the sex of our baby

54 replies

buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 20:40

We are expecting our third baby and this time I am leaning more towards wanting to find out the sex of the baby after having two suprise babys.

With our first, I leant more towards finding out, but my husband felt very strongly about having a surprise. I normally am the decision maker in our marriage, and I felt it was only fair to let him make the decision as he always let's me get my way and it was something he felt very strongly about.

Come second baby, I was happy to go along with another surprise, but at the 20 week scan I definitely saw male genitals. I told my husband this and he was a bit dismissive of me and told me to forget it and not ruin the surprise. I know what I saw and it felt bothersome having it hang over me the rest of the pregnancy.

With neither birth I had an overwhelming feeling of 'oh this is amazing only just finding out in the moment!'. It felt like a bit of an anticlimax for me. With my daughter i was f**cked on drugs and can't remember feeling any emotion and with my son it felt underwhelming as I knew from what I saw at the scan....

Now, I am leaning more to finding out. I've done the surprise and it wasn't a life changing amazing moment. We have a 5 Yr old who is very sensitive and a 3 Yr old and I think it would help them both to know the sex so they can adjust and prepare.

I thought I could book a private scan for us and the kids, and then we could do something like going shopping for the new baby. That seems really special to me- its a moment I would love to share with my children.

My husband, however, is against it. In fact, he has gone as far as saying 'you find out but don't tell me!' He goes OTT with everything and says he believes its wrong for people to find out and we shouldn't have the choice....

So, AIBU for wanting to find the sex out when my husband is so passionately against it?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/02/2022 21:11

We found out sex with second and third as husband wanted a girl and I didn't want gender disappointment at birth

RedHelenB · 14/02/2022 21:11

I'd do the same as you did with your other pregnancies if I were you. Although obviously it goes without saying your pregnancy your choice.

Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 21:14

@missymousey

Sounds exactly like my DH. Definitely find out if you want to know.

I found out without DH knowing, and I insisted for the rest of the pregnancy that I was sure she was a girl - supposedly based on how different it felt from being pregnant with our son. You've got one of each so that will be even more believable for you!

Yes my two previous pregnancies were VERY different, which makes me believe I am having a girl as my symptoms match exactly those of my daughter.
OP posts:
Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 21:15

@SnackSizeRaisin

I didn't care what the sex was but I still liked finding out. It makes it seem more real. I don't think I need the surprise when he or she is born - there's enough excitement already on that day
Yes I don't care either way, I would be happy with either. Smile
OP posts:
princesspopppy · 14/02/2022 21:18

I don't know the sex of baby 4 but DH does! You can find out and he can choose to wait!

StripStripHooray · 14/02/2022 21:19

@betwixtlives

If OP already knows the baby is healthy and happy and has had the all clear

things can go from perfect to awful within a minute, sadly

I have experienced baby loss twice from TFMR after anomaly scans, and twice more from MMC/MC.

I would probably ask to be checked over heartbeat wise before the kids came in.

But I would take my 5yo to a private scan once I knew baby was healthy, sadly we've never got that far.

Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 21:20

@princesspopppy

I don't know the sex of baby 4 but DH does! You can find out and he can choose to wait!
I think I would rather not know then this option. I don't think I would like keeping it a secret to myself the whole pregnancy.
OP posts:
HangOnToYourself · 14/02/2022 21:21

Some people are so irritatingly smug and judgemental about waiting to find out, I couldnt wait to find out so I could feel prepared

Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 21:21

@StripStripHooray im sorry for your loses, but thank you for your perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 21:22

@HangOnToYourself I hate to say it, but my husband does fall into this category. Even judgemental about best friends and family who chose to find out.

OP posts:
Caterinasballerinas · 14/02/2022 21:23

Of course you should for your DD. He’d be finding out to be a good parent to his DD.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/02/2022 21:24

Yanbu.

I dont think this is a 'is it better to find out or not' debate.

Its personal opinion. His opinion differs from yours. Which is fine. But he had his way the first two times and now it's your turn. If you think it's better for you and your two kids to know, then its selfish of him to say no just because of his own personal preference.

But how does he think your kids will manage to keep it a secret if they know and he doesnt? If you find out he has to accept they will tell him

HangOnToYourself · 14/02/2022 21:26

[quote buttercuplizzy]@HangOnToYourself I hate to say it, but my husband does fall into this category. Even judgemental about best friends and family who chose to find out.[/quote]
Yeah I got quite a few snotty remarks from friends who had waited, I genuinely dont see the appeal but I'm very much a planner so perhaps it's that. Your oh really should consider what you are saying about your 5 year old though, his need to adjust trumps your dh's need for a twee 'moment' that you will be too spaced out to really register.

Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 21:33

Also, thanks for everyone's perspective regarding taking children into scans. It's useful to understand the cons that i hadn't really considered.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 14/02/2022 21:34

In fact, he has gone as far as saying 'you find out but don't tell me!'

YABU
He’s not said you can’t find out the see he just said don’t tell him.

Some people like the surprise and some people (like me) would hate it.

Neither of you trump each other here, so you’re just going to have to compromise and the best way to do that is if you find out but don’t tell him.

AliasGrape · 14/02/2022 21:40

When I was pregnant I really didn’t want to find out the sex. DH wasn’t too fussed but sort of thought he might like to, but since I was the one who was pregnant and I was the one who felt more strongly about it he was happy to go with my wishes.

If I were to be pregnant again (unlikely) I’d be more open to it - I’d still probably prefer a surprise but could see more practical reasons to find out and if DH wanted to I’d go along with it this (hypothetical!) time.

In your case I really think DH is being unfair. He’s had it his way in 2 previous pregnancies. And you’re not just finding out for you, you’re trying to help your daughter prepare and not struggle as much - I think he’s being kind of a dick not at least trying to see it from your point of view on that to be honest.

Original poster
buttercuplizzy · 14/02/2022 21:41

@WonderfulYou you see, I feel like he says this comment to give an illusion of choice when the reality is how could I find out and tell the kids, and him not find out. That's a pretty big thing to keep secret from a spouse for several months, and expect the kids to also not say anything. We aren't a secretive couple and its not something I would want to do as I want to share special life moments with my husband- that's more important to me than finding out the sex of a baby. And my husband knows this- so I feel like he is making this OTT comment to force my hand as he knows I wouldn't go ahead and find out alone.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2022 21:44

Neither of you trump each other here

I think the person actually creating a new human with their body edges ahead. Particularly as he had it his way twice before!

JudgeJ · 14/02/2022 21:50

@HangOnToYourself

Some people are so irritatingly smug and judgemental about waiting to find out, I couldnt wait to find out so I could feel prepared
Having a different opinion to you doesn't make people 'smug and judgemental', they are allowed to! I didn't know the sex of mine, no way of doing it way back then, I recall when the second one was born saying Oh, are you sure? Have another look! because I was so convinced it would be a boy!
Babyvenusplant · 14/02/2022 21:51

I can't really see what the difference is between finding out at the scan or at the birth?

You just find out earlier at the scan, it's exactly the same outcome and 'suprise' so I don't really see the novelty of waiting until the birth

FeedMeSantiago · 14/02/2022 21:58

I think given you've gone with his preference for your first two pregnancies it's only fair to go with your preference this time. Especially if you think it will help your eldest manage the forthcoming change.

My preference for myself would be not to find out in advance but I don't judge those who do want to find out at a scan.

WonderfulYou · 14/02/2022 22:22

I feel like he says this comment to give an illusion of choice when the reality is how could I find out and tell the kids, and him not find out. That's a pretty big thing to keep secret from a spouse for several months, and expect the kids to also not say anything. We aren't a secretive couple and its not something I would want to do as I want to share special life moments with my husband- that's more important to me than finding out the sex of a baby.

I don’t think you could get tell your other kids as they might accidentally spill it, which is part of the compromise. But I do think it’s very easy to find out and keep it from your spouse if that’s their wish.
Many couple do this all of the time.
It’s not the same as keeping a normal secret as he’ll know you know but you’re not telling him as that’s what he wants.

I get the idea of being excited together but if you want to know and he doesn’t then it’s not fair on either of you to do something you don’t want to do.

You’re just going to have to resist the urge to accidentally point out girls dresses or boys clothes which might be difficult!

WonderfulYou · 14/02/2022 22:24

I didn't know the sex of mine, no way of doing it way back then, I recall when the second one was born saying Oh, are you sure? Have another look! because I was so convinced it would be a boy!

This is why I’m so glad I found out because I had my heart set on a certain sex and I may have been a bit disappointed at first as that’s what I assumed I was having until I had my scan, so I’m glad I didn’t wait until the birth.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2022 22:28

I don’t think you could get tell your other kids as they might accidentally spill it, which is part of the compromise.

But she did it entirely his way the first two times. The compromise isn't that she gets half of what she wants this one time.

LemonSwan · 14/02/2022 22:50

We've found out both times. Having a baby emerge from my body is enough of a surprise for me, thanks!

Haha yes this!

People go 'oh dont you want a surprise'. I am like wtf!?! Its enough of a surprise already hahah