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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL complaining; i might as well then!

66 replies

littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 17:08

So FIL is visiting us to get medical procedures done- not convenient at all as kids have exams this year, so did I, but i postponed mine; both of us work, and generally a very stressful year; not ideal at all. Anyway that did not put him off. We have accommodated him at great expense to us in terms of stress and time. He is nearing the end of his stay- thank goodness- but he has now started complaining to my DH behind me back that I am disrespectful towards him which is untrue. This caused a few arguments between me and my DH (denying it doesn't work- he gets more agitated- I can LTB but this is NOT a good time to walk out). This appears to provide FIL with great entertainment and he thoroughly enjoys the drama. So now I thought, if this is what he is whining about- I might as well BE disrespectful- sneakily though.... AIBU? Any other advice how to deal with situation would be really appreciated- its causing me a lot of stress and I have no one I can share it with.

OP posts:
Gilmorehill · 14/02/2022 17:09

Is your FIL from a different culture?

Goooglebox · 14/02/2022 17:10

I wouldn't. You will only lose more.

FrenchBoule · 14/02/2022 17:11

I’d ask your “D” H whether he’s married to you or his father and which one he’d rather have in the house.
I’d also do FA for both of them seeing as they disrespect you in your own house.
I’d be loud and clear why is that.

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 17:11

Stop cooking and cleaning for him if you are.

DH should do everything for him if FIL won’t.

Arabellla · 14/02/2022 17:11

@Goooglebox

I wouldn't. You will only lose more.
Lose more what?
Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 17:12

@Gilmorehill

Is your FIL from a different culture?
Yes. TBH he (and MIL when alive) were always this way and I knew it and was mentally prepared for this but the months have worn me out- I'm mentally exhausted- to the point where I often take time off work and just go and treat myself without telling anyone at home.
OP posts:
Brainwave89 · 14/02/2022 17:14

Focus on getting him out of the house first. Then after resting, you can have a serious talk with your DH. If he has caused so much trouble, I would not be welcoming him again. Good hotels are available.

YungBludForPM · 14/02/2022 17:14

Stop doing anything for him.
Do not cook, clean or accommodate him in any way whatsoever!
How rude to treat you that way in your own home!
And 'd'h needs a good talking to!

Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 17:15

@Arabellla

Stop cooking and cleaning for him if you are.

DH should do everything for him if FIL won’t.

The cleaner who comes in has already refused to clean his toilet- he sprays generously everywhere. Doesn't do that though when he lives back home- spotless home there. Pulling my hair out now
OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 17:17

Claim bad head every evening and take yourself +snacks etc up to bed. Leave dh to entertain his df...

Chloemol · 14/02/2022 17:22

Just tell your dh you have not disrespected his father, and perhaps he should look at his fathers behaviour as to why a cleaner won’t clean!

I would them simply tell him you have found the whole thing existing, he has obviously not got your back, wishing to believe his father than his wife so you will leave everything to do with his father to him so he can cook, clean and look after you won’t be

Chloemol · 14/02/2022 17:22

Exhausting not existing

Annettebee · 14/02/2022 17:29

Record your conversations with him as proof. Also he only behaves like this because people let him.

phoenixrosehere · 14/02/2022 17:31

The cleaner who comes in has already refused to clean his toilet- he sprays generously everywhere. Doesn't do that though when he lives back home- spotless home there.

That alone would have FIL out and DH being told he could join him. You know it’s bad when a cleaner is willing to risk their job and say they’re not cleaning it. That is disgusting and disrespectful.

Gilmorehill · 14/02/2022 17:32

My ILs are from a different culture and ime ‘being disrespectful’ means not sucking up enough.

Iamnotamermaid · 14/02/2022 17:32

Indulge in some disrespectful behaviour. If he cannot be a well mannered guest why should you be a gracious host. Let your DH handle it and back off, enjoy a book and glass of wine somewhere until FIL's manners improve.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/02/2022 17:35

If you're just biding your time to end the marriage, don't bother being sneakily disrespectful. Be upfront about your issues with him. If your DH is taking sides with his Ddad, you can't rely on him to back you up. You're onto a hiding to nothing, so fight your own corner. Good luck.

PostingForTheFirstTime · 14/02/2022 17:37

I really hope that you are not cleaning his bathroom. Take a photo of it, then send it to DH and ask how respectful is his dad being in his house. Suggest he clean it.

Gilmorehill · 14/02/2022 17:38

How awful that someone would enjoy causing problems in someone’s marriage.

girlmom21 · 14/02/2022 17:44

Tell your 'D'H that you're being more respectful and tolerating more shit than you would from any other guest and if FIL doesn't like it he can fuck off go home and take his son with him.

Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 17:48

@Gilmorehill

My ILs are from a different culture and ime ‘being disrespectful’ means not sucking up enough.
That's it Gilmorehil.... spot on here too!! Trouble is, even if I sucked up a whole lot, it wouldn't be enough...done it in the past and still the same outcome, it's like the goalposts change no matter what I do. There's just going to be something I didn't get right- forgive me for being human! So like I said, I was (or so I thought) mentally prepared for this s**t but few months in, and my defences are getting worn down.
OP posts:
Gilmorehill · 14/02/2022 17:50

The fact that your husband even told you speaks volumes. In the early years, dh used to tell me when his parents said similar things but he clearly figured out that they were shit stirring. I’ve seen several emails and texts from his dps complaining about me over the last few years and he’s said nothing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2022 17:55

Don't disrespect. But don't put yourself out either. With people like this, you please yourself. And I'd include if he doesn't like it, he doesn't stay ever again for an extended period.

Giraffesandbottoms · 14/02/2022 17:58

The toilet thing is fucking disgusting. Wow. Don’t even know what you can do or say to someone who behaves like that if you can’t throw him out 🤢

RainbowConnection1 · 14/02/2022 17:58

I'd stay well out of his way for the rest of his stay. If he or your H says anything just tell them that you are avoiding any further incidences of being 'disrespectful'.