FIL complaining; i might as well then!

[littlemisspigg]

So FIL is visiting us to get medical procedures done- not convenient at all as kids have exams this year, so did I, but i postponed mine; both of us work, and generally a very stressful year; not ideal at all. Anyway that did not put him off. We have accommodated him at great expense to us in terms of stress and time. He is nearing the end of his stay- thank goodness- but he has now started complaining to my DH behind me back that I am disrespectful towards him which is untrue. This caused a few arguments between me and my DH (denying it doesn't work- he gets more agitated- I can LTB but this is NOT a good time to walk out). This appears to provide FIL with great entertainment and he thoroughly enjoys the drama. So now I thought, if this is what he is whining about- I might as well BE disrespectful- sneakily though.... AIBU? Any other advice how to deal with situation would be really appreciated- its causing me a lot of stress and I have no one I can share it with.

@tootiredtobother

ive had his problem too OP, found out FIL thought I was the better cook, compared to my sister in law, I rapidly became a terrible cook of cheap ingredients, suffered this for a few weeks then buggered off

Genius!!! I'm going to do that next! BTW I'm due to speak to my SIL across the seas - what should I say- the truth about how awful its been, or sing his (false) praises?

Is SIL his daughter (be guarded) or the wife of a DS (let a bit more out and see what the response is)?

@Bluetrews25

Is SIL his daughter (be guarded) or the wife of a DS (let a bit more out and see what the response is)?

wife of other DS

Spit in his tea

Nasty git

@Pamlar

Spit in his tea

Nasty git

hahaha this is awesome! best time I have had in ages!! You all are amazing. Ive started to make a list now 😁

Are you sure I mean really sure he isnt going home? Sounds like he has moved in to me!

The cleaner who comes in has already refused to clean his toilet- he sprays generously everywhere. Doesn't do that though when he lives back home- spotless home there. Pulling my hair out now

I hope you've told your husband that that's now his job.

@Iputthetrampintrampoline

Are you sure I mean really sure he isnt going home? Sounds like he has moved in to me!

Thanks to the Home office- his Visa expires soon! Phew! I miss the days when the visitor visa was only 3 months ...

@GlamorousHeifer

I'd be pointing out who's house he's been staying in, if he feels so disrespected he can piss off back home and no doubt enjoy the servitude of some poor woman there. He can't feel that disrespected if he's stayed for 5 months.....

Very true.

FIVE months??!!! What's he had done? Why can't he go home to recuperate? Why isn't his other son accommodating him? If he's got that much money, I'd be shunting him off to a hotel. I can't tell whether you're a hero or a mug really.

How awful, what a basty FIL you have. But interestingly your DH knows this yet believes you'd be disrespectful.

Its nearly half term, if you can stand it a little lonfer, take the kids and go on holiday. Tell DH your FIL needs to be gone when you come back.

I also liked tge suggestion that you stop cooking/cleaning up etc.

Ref actually beig disrespectful I wouldn't do that, but there is nothing wrong with confronting your FIL. Record it just in case. Be really clear how much you've accommodated his stay but tgat you're not putting up with him stirring ip trouble and accusing you of being disrespectful when that's a complete fabrication. Tell him he needs to go home so you/kids can focus on your study etc tell him his game won't affect your relationship with his so either.

Start complaining to your husband the FIL is being disrespectful to you.

On a serious note, it sounds like you're already planning on leaving? Continue as it is, he's leaving soon. Do less, don't bother. Say what you think. What's he going to do? Complain? Oh wait, he already is.

When is he leaving?

@Awrite

I keep reading about in-laws coming to stay for extended periods. It stresses me out just reading about it.

Can you tell your dh that fil is disrespecting you? Guessing that wouldn't work.

There seems to be a lot of posts where cultural differences are interfering with relationships, adult chidren are expected to support their often idle parents, their partners are expected to crawl to their wants etc etc. I wonder how many people going into a relationship with someone of a different culture stops to think about such things? I will say that when our daughter was in a relationship with someone of a different culture I was very glad went it broke down for just these reasons.

Every time dh comes to you with a fil complaint, go straight to fil and apologise profusely (and falsely) that you didnt mean to offend etc. Then say you have to lie down as your distraught that you may have upset him and possibly migraine now so cant possibly make dinner

Can I ask what culture are they from OP? I think that does affect things?

I ask because I’m married from another culture too and there is a cultural and social expectation within that community that DIL move into the IL home and basically be their servant. Horrible but I’ve heard of instances (in the Uk) of in-laws beating DIL, not permitting her to leave the house, taking bank accounts off her, not allowing her to work etc. I even have a friend who’s MIL would make her clean the house and scrub the floors on her hands and knees when she was 7 months pregnant and then had a hissy fit because the couple bought a new house FOR ALL OF THEM including the nightmare MIL and DIL threw out some paper plates in the move. Her DH in this … silent…

Hmmm OP, you don’t look well. That pesky virus is still doing the rounds. Best lock yourself away from FIL who is no doubt vulnerable due to his age and health. Take good books and wine.