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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL complaining; i might as well then!

66 replies

littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 17:08

So FIL is visiting us to get medical procedures done- not convenient at all as kids have exams this year, so did I, but i postponed mine; both of us work, and generally a very stressful year; not ideal at all. Anyway that did not put him off. We have accommodated him at great expense to us in terms of stress and time. He is nearing the end of his stay- thank goodness- but he has now started complaining to my DH behind me back that I am disrespectful towards him which is untrue. This caused a few arguments between me and my DH (denying it doesn't work- he gets more agitated- I can LTB but this is NOT a good time to walk out). This appears to provide FIL with great entertainment and he thoroughly enjoys the drama. So now I thought, if this is what he is whining about- I might as well BE disrespectful- sneakily though.... AIBU? Any other advice how to deal with situation would be really appreciated- its causing me a lot of stress and I have no one I can share it with.

OP posts:
Didicat · 14/02/2022 17:59

Is he here to use the NHS fraudulently as he’s not a resident here??? In which case shop him!

I couldn’t put up with my fil for a week….

He can babysit whilst you go out for a valentines meal?

TheApexOfMyLife · 14/02/2022 18:01

I like the idea you have a very bad headache and you need to go and lie down.
Every evening until he leaves.

StrictlySinging · 14/02/2022 18:05

Sound like he is well enough to go home if he is well enough to be a trouble maker.

No advice I totally get you are dammed if you do dammed if you don’t.

Awrite · 14/02/2022 18:09

I keep reading about in-laws coming to stay for extended periods. It stresses me out just reading about it.

Can you tell your dh that fil is disrespecting you? Guessing that wouldn't work.

Esspee · 14/02/2022 18:11

Who cleans his toilet now? Hope it is his son.

Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 18:13

@Esspee

Who cleans his toilet now? Hope it is his son.
No one... hehehe..
OP posts:
Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 18:14

@Didicat

Is he here to use the NHS fraudulently as he’s not a resident here??? In which case shop him!

I couldn’t put up with my fil for a week….

He can babysit whilst you go out for a valentines meal?

He paid for private treatment. He's loaded, and I think that's how he gets to 'control' both his sons...
OP posts:
cherrytopcake · 14/02/2022 18:16

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Claim bad head every evening and take yourself +snacks etc up to bed. Leave dh to entertain his df...
I like this idea the most
Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 18:16

My cleaner suggested I wait it out till he pops off...

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 14/02/2022 18:20

Hang on - are you telling us fil has been there for several MONTHS?! WTAF.

Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 18:21

@GrumpyPanda

Hang on - are you telling us fil has been there for several MONTHS?! WTAF.
5 and counting....
OP posts:
Giraffesandbottoms · 14/02/2022 18:22

You could always just shit on his bed or something

TheHeartGoesLast · 14/02/2022 18:25

Grin @Giraffesandbottoms that made me laugh out loud! You are my hero!

No useful advice OP except... the patio?

Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 18:25

@Giraffesandbottoms

You could always just shit on his bed or something
Lovely thought- I shall dream of it tonight! But...Can't Giraffesandbottoms, he sits on it all day and watches telly...
OP posts:
Pembertonrd · 14/02/2022 18:27

You need itching powder or a pretend poop OP.

I’d definitely have some fun at his expense.

Bluetrews25 · 14/02/2022 18:28

Probably best not to prove him right.

But I do get how you feel.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/02/2022 18:28

5 months? Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey, you are a saint, @littlemisspigg!

I love my FIL, and I loved my MIL (she’s no longer with us), and there is no way, on God’s clean earth, that I could have coped with having either of them to stay for that long - and they are/were both pleasant houseguests.

Giraffesandbottoms · 14/02/2022 18:29

he sits on it all day

Even better, surely?

BlaBlaFishcakes · 14/02/2022 18:30

How much longer will he be here? And without taking FIL into account, what is the likely lifespan of your marriage?

If your marriage is in any way fixable, then it might be worth gritting your teeth for a short while (after all, you've already lasted this long). Would your husband be more able to listen to your point of view once his disgusting father has gone home? I'm guessing not, but maybe worth a shot?

Usually, I'd say that since you can't win, you might as well please yourself, but I'm guessing that you are trying to avoid any unnecessary conflict or stress for your children, because of the exams? If so, then avoiding him (terrible things, migraines!), a well-hidden bingo card of all this worst habits and insults, or just a lot of chocolate hidden in your room may help.

Just one last thought- is there any close friend or family member who could call on you to help with a manufactured crisis? After all, it's so important to support your loved ones, isn't it? Even if you only escaped for a weekend or a few days, the break might help.

Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 18:31

Aww thanks everyone- just ranting on here and some of your suggestions have made me feel better already! Definitely made me laugh- I haven't done much of that recently

I shall go out there and be bold once more ...

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 14/02/2022 18:32

It’s kind of pointless trying to be disrespectful, he’ll just have his thoughts confirmed. You married into a certain culture and his behaviour is the way he was brought up, you aren’t going to change him. Count the days til he leaves and tell your dh never again!

Have you had to do personal care whilst he’s been recovering? I’d tell your dh you’ll have nothing more to do with his df til he goes. He should ideally be following your rules whilst staying with you-when in Rome etc.

Original poster
littlemisspigg · 14/02/2022 18:33

@BlaBlaFishcakes

How much longer will he be here? And without taking FIL into account, what is the likely lifespan of your marriage?

If your marriage is in any way fixable, then it might be worth gritting your teeth for a short while (after all, you've already lasted this long). Would your husband be more able to listen to your point of view once his disgusting father has gone home? I'm guessing not, but maybe worth a shot?

Usually, I'd say that since you can't win, you might as well please yourself, but I'm guessing that you are trying to avoid any unnecessary conflict or stress for your children, because of the exams? If so, then avoiding him (terrible things, migraines!), a well-hidden bingo card of all this worst habits and insults, or just a lot of chocolate hidden in your room may help.

Just one last thought- is there any close friend or family member who could call on you to help with a manufactured crisis? After all, it's so important to support your loved ones, isn't it? Even if you only escaped for a weekend or a few days, the break might help.

Excellent! I shall keep this one for the next time around...thank you!
OP posts:
wildseas · 14/02/2022 18:39

I would decide that I had reflected on his feedback and was taking it in board. Whilst I hadn’t been deliberately disrespectful I had obviously done it accidentally so I had best remove that chance of it happening again. So sorry.

Then decamp to your best mates house with wine, chocolates and a suitcase full of books until he’s gone......

GlamorousHeifer · 14/02/2022 18:52

I'd be pointing out who's house he's been staying in, if he feels so disrespected he can piss off back home and no doubt enjoy the servitude of some poor woman there.
He can't feel that disrespected if he's stayed for 5 months.....

tootiredtobother · 14/02/2022 18:53

ive had his problem too OP, found out FIL thought I was the better cook, compared to my sister in law, I rapidly became a terrible cook of cheap ingredients, suffered this for a few weeks then buggered off