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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect to be satisfied during sex?

57 replies

howtoleaveit · 14/02/2022 05:17

I’ve been married a long time and in the last 10 years I’ve had 3 orgasms during sex with my DH. I’m at the point of thinking of leaving my marriage over it. Sex when we do it is fun and good but he then gets off and leaves me high and dry! It’s so frustrating and I just don’t know if I’m being reasonable to expect him to make some effort or care that I’m satisfied too? He doesn’t even ask if it was ok for me. I’m starting to resent how selfish he is in bed and it’s seeping through to other areas of our relationship. I’m snappy and pissed off with him. I wanted to find out if other people in long term marriages have this experience.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/02/2022 05:38

YANBU!!
Don't you talk about these things though? Don't you tell him you're not done yet?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/02/2022 05:45

3 orgasms in ten years is appalling. Surely he doesn’t need to ask how it was for you, isn’t it obvious?

AnotherSillawithanS · 14/02/2022 05:47

Have you talked to him?

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 14/02/2022 05:47

I just could not find someone like this attractive. Why haven’t you had it out with him about this right at the beginning?

Original poster
howtoleaveit · 14/02/2022 05:52

It’s incredibly difficult to talk to him about this stuff. He becomes defensive and sulks and then the atmosphere in the house is horrific. He then completely withdraws. He can’t stand any kind of criticism. It means I’m shut down when it comes to talking about anything to do with feeling unhappy. He told me recently after I tried to raise it with him that he doesn’t care about my feelings. If I could find a way out then I would.

OP posts:
TicTacHoh · 14/02/2022 05:56

He told me recently after I tried to raise it with him that he doesn’t care about my feelings. If I could find a way out then I would.

There is always a way out, OP Biscuit

123sunshine · 14/02/2022 06:11

How about next time you have sec you stop mid Way through and see how he likes the feeling of being left frustrated!
10 years of unsatisfactory sex, in reality it’s unlikely to change.

Whingasaurus · 14/02/2022 06:13

First get a good vibrator perhaps a Lovely Wand second put your new toy in a suitcase and third walk out of the door

Sparticuscaticus · 14/02/2022 06:17

I can't believe you've stayed with him for 10 years. He's terrible in bed . Ofc you are going to want to stop DTD and thinking of having an affair for the good sex right now, so being clear and doing it the right way is important
Do you have DCs?

Either way it's time to leave your DH. Go see a solicitor and talk about divorce. Gather info you need about your joint/ DHs assets , make half joint savings safe ( as he may be angry and clear out all accounts), then tell him you want a divorce. He'll either agree to everything he can to improve your sex life and suddenly care about you as it'll be a wake up call , or he'll carry on being the selfish in bed douche that he is.

Lightstoobright · 14/02/2022 06:20

Get a vibrator and next time he initiates sex use it to give yourself an orgasm, then turn over and go to sleep before he's come. See if he says anything.

NewbieSM · 14/02/2022 06:30

Sorry but your DH sounds like a total dick and one who clearly doesn't know how to use his own!!!

He should want you to feel satisfied during sex, you aren't a blow up sex doll for him to wank into.

I would stop having sex with him completely, why should you when it's only ever about him?

Definitely invest in a vibrator there are some amazing ones available now, you deserve to have a fulfilling sex love whether it's with a partner or yourself.

GreggsDoVitalWork · 14/02/2022 06:33

@Whingasaurus

First get a good vibrator perhaps a Lovely Wand second put your new toy in a suitcase and third walk out of the door
Seconded. OP this is absolutely horrific reading. I am so, so sorry you’re living like this.

You need to get out. And I’m not saying this lightly. It’s one thing to live with a man who is shit in bed but loving and willing to learn, but living with a man who is shit in bed and “doesn’t care about your feelings” or needs is a wasted life.

You are a thinking, feeling being with needs. You are not a human sized fleshlight who exists purely for him to wank into.

You are worth more. You CAN do better. Flowers

Shoxfordian · 14/02/2022 06:35

There’s definitely a way out op
He sounds so selfish

PermanentTemporary · 14/02/2022 06:42

I never had orgasms with either of my husbands but if we had both known how to make it happen and they just couldn't be arsed to do it...?

It depends if you want to try and improve things. Tbh the rest of your post makes it sound as if you are done with this relationship, it sounds like you despise him and if so it's time to get out. If you do have some hope or love left that isn't in this post, then for goodness sake, tie him up and make yourself come while he watches, and do that until things change.

Somuddled · 14/02/2022 06:52

The shutting you down and not being willing g to discuss improvements is far worse than being selfish in bed in my view. This isn't a way to spend your life, there are always ways out.

Pembertonrd · 14/02/2022 06:55

@PermanentTemporary

I never had orgasms with either of my husbands but if we had both known how to make it happen and they just couldn't be arsed to do it...?

It depends if you want to try and improve things. Tbh the rest of your post makes it sound as if you are done with this relationship, it sounds like you despise him and if so it's time to get out. If you do have some hope or love left that isn't in this post, then for goodness sake, tie him up and make yourself come while he watches, and do that until things change.

Grin
LollyLol · 14/02/2022 06:56

I'd withhold sex completely. If he tries to initiate say, very neutrally, "please stop. Ive mentioned before that I don't enjoy this, because I'm left unsatisfied and frustrated I would rather not do it at all. It has been so many years, and it's making me so unhappy in our marriage, I really cannot make myself do this any more. If you are happy to take your pleasure knowing that I don't take mine, that says a lot more about you than me."

Oblomov22 · 14/02/2022 07:03

Lolly's response is perfect.

Lady0racle · 14/02/2022 07:07

Obviously, this is dreadful OP. But the time to address it with any hope of success was when you first started having sex. He is vanishingly unlikely to make changes now and it seems like you don’t like him much anyway. I think this has run its course.

Confrontayshunme · 14/02/2022 07:12

I agree with Lolly as above "I don' want to have sex right now because it leaves me upset, frustrated and unloved, and that is the whole purpose of sex." Or ask if he minds if you have a toy to help you feel pleasure during sex. If he doesn't then want to listen or talk to you about it, I would give my first ever LTB.

Original poster
howtoleaveit · 14/02/2022 10:59

There’s no way I could say what lolly suggested because he’d just then shut himself away and ignore me for a week until I apologised. It’s horrific when he does that and I can’t sleep or function. I’ve got two small kids and a very demanding job with a really important deadline coming up soon that I can’t F up. I cannot manage him and all of this and still do my job. Does anyone have any advice that doesn’t involve blowing up my life as it’s stress I can’t cope with right now. I don’t understand how people do it. How do people manage life/jobs and split up with someone they’ve been with for so many years. There is no joint account and I don’t have access to family funds. Is that another red flag? I’m wondering why I married him to be honest

OP posts:
Agrudge · 14/02/2022 11:10

Do you fake orgasms?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 14/02/2022 11:16

The silent treatment is a recognised sign of abuse op..
Who shops? Get cash back and start planning your escape...
And buy a vibrator. Stop having sex with him.

Gowithme · 14/02/2022 11:19

Selfish, passive aggressive, can't cope with any sort of criticism, always the victim, doesn't care about your feelings (no empathy), always you to blame/has to apologise. It all sounds shit OP, I'd suggest he has very low self esteem and very low emotional intelligence - does he have a big ego? Because he'd be ticking a lot of boxes for narcissism IMO if so.

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/02/2022 11:24

Understand its a personal question but haven't you ever finished yourself off during sex? What does he say if you do that?