to expect to be satisfied during sex?

[howtoleaveit]

I’ve been married a long time and in the last 10 years I’ve had 3 orgasms during sex with my DH. I’m at the point of thinking of leaving my marriage over it. Sex when we do it is fun and good but he then gets off and leaves me high and dry! It’s so frustrating and I just don’t know if I’m being reasonable to expect him to make some effort or care that I’m satisfied too? He doesn’t even ask if it was ok for me. I’m starting to resent how selfish he is in bed and it’s seeping through to other areas of our relationship. I’m snappy and pissed off with him. I wanted to find out if other people in long term marriages have this experience.

@howtoleaveit

There’s no way I could say what lolly suggested because he’d just then shut himself away and ignore me for a week until I apologised. It’s horrific when he does that and I can’t sleep or function. I’ve got two small kids and a very demanding job with a really important deadline coming up soon that I can’t F up. I cannot manage him and all of this and still do my job. Does anyone have any advice that doesn’t involve blowing up my life as it’s stress I can’t cope with right now. I don’t understand how people do it. How do people manage life/jobs and split up with someone they’ve been with for so many years. There is no joint account and I don’t have access to family funds. Is that another red flag? I’m wondering why I married him to be honest

Yes, not having access to family funds is a red flag. It’s essentially his funds, in that case, not the family’s.

You might need to take a longer view look at this. Start having a think about you could put things in place long-term, both financially and in terms of support, to be getting yourself in a position you could leave if you wanted to. There will be people on here who have done that and can advise you better.

In the interim, focus on the job, your deadlines and the kids. Good luck OP.

You don't have access to funds? This is starting to look like an abusive relationship.

@howtoleaveit

There’s no way I could say what lolly suggested because he’d just then shut himself away and ignore me for a week until I apologised. It’s horrific when he does that and I can’t sleep or function. I’ve got two small kids and a very demanding job with a really important deadline coming up soon that I can’t F up. I cannot manage him and all of this and still do my job. Does anyone have any advice that doesn’t involve blowing up my life as it’s stress I can’t cope with right now. I don’t understand how people do it. How do people manage life/jobs and split up with someone they’ve been with for so many years. There is no joint account and I don’t have access to family funds. Is that another red flag? I’m wondering why I married him to be honest

Sex is only really a part of this, isn't it? You're being abused.

Why do you care if he's not talking to you? Are you afraid of him?

What happens to your salary? Why don't you at least have access to that?

Do you have your own bank account?

Three times in ten years is a fucking joke.

Imo you need marriage counselling re your sex life.

What man would be ok with not getting his partner off? Ridiculous!

Have you been to the GP? Or a sex therapist? There might eb some reason that reaching orgasm is difficult for you.

Where does your own salary go? Does he have sole control of finances?

@Hont1986

Have you been to the GP? Or a sex therapist? There might eb some reason that reaching orgasm is difficult for you.

This is a relationship issue not a sexual functioning issue

The reaction to any kind of criticism seems the real issue to me.

When you say you don’t have access to family funds op what happens to your salary?!

This man is sounding worse the more you post. I don’t think there’s a way back. If I were you i wouldn’t be having sex anymore and id be getting myself organised to split. I know it’s now t ideal and the path of least resistance is easier but please don’t waste another 10 years on shit sex and abusive behaviour

Wow they more you write the worse it gets OP.

I’m wondering why I married him to be honest
So is everyone reading this thread.

It isn't just the sex, the more you post the worse it reads.

I hope you can get the help you clearly need to move you away from this abusive relationship.

If you don't just want to just LTB have you tried encouraging him to do stuff you enjoy while you're having sex? Telling him you love this or that, want more of something? So instead of you saying you don't do it for me an him feeling put out or not good enough and sulking, just telling him what you like more of, keep doing that etc. Or suggest new things to try together? X

If you can't cope with raising it at the moment then dont. It's your life and your timeline. But the issue is clearly not sex and orgasms so my advice is make sure you are clear on the problems and resolution you want before taking action.

Do you want better sex or actually are you unhappy with him? If it that you're unhappy then taking in stress to solve the sex side is a futile effort.

Sorry I didn't see your other posts... LTB
Get your ducks in a row, call woman's aid for support, and Citizens Advice, find housing and book holidays from work for the blow up period. Once you've got in your head that your leaving and have that to look forward to it might be easier to deal with his mood swings knowing it's only going to be for a short time then you'll be free xxx

Do you feel safe, OP? I'm concerned that you're worried about his reaction if you refuse to have sex with him. If you don't feel safe, you need to think about leaving asap. Otherwise, take your time and make plans.

At least your married
So you can file for divorce and get more than half with the childrens need for a home ect .
It’s not clear where your money goes ,but I do hope it’s not paid in to his bank account.

I’ve only been back to work a short time after having time away to have the kids. I don’t earn much but it’s upskilling me so I can launch onwards from here. The little I earn goes into my own bank account but it’s not enough to even pay rent for a one bedroom flat here.

Do you have any child benefit paid into your account ?

If you don’t have a joint account, how do you pay bills, food, clothes etc ?

Does he work ?
Do you both have private pensions ?

Do you own your home ?

If you divorce you most definitely will have access to family funds.

@howtoleaveit

It’s incredibly difficult to talk to him about this stuff. He becomes defensive and sulks and then the atmosphere in the house is horrific. He then completely withdraws. He can’t stand any kind of criticism. It means I’m shut down when it comes to talking about anything to do with feeling unhappy. He told me recently after I tried to raise it with him that he doesn’t care about my feelings. If I could find a way out then I would.

You need to find a way out. This is fucking appalling.

I'd not be having sex with him anymore. What a bastard.

I don’t have access to family funds. Is that another red flag?

Yes. He's an abusive SOB, having read the rest of your posts. I'm really sorry. You should take legal advice and make some sort of plan. I hope you do because you deserve more than this shitty man.

If he’s not prepared to discuss, or seek help for, your unsatisfactory sex life then you’ve every right to go and find a good sex life.
His attitude is abusive, he’s keeping you quiet.