VERY stressed sbout MIL pending 6 week visit. HELP!!!

[Fedthehellup]

Really need to vent and I'm literally ripping my hair out! It's a long one so get comfy!

This is my 4th pregnancy. Oldest child from a previous relationship and other 2 and bundle I'm baking for my DH.
My MIL lives abroad so I don't have to put up with her very much but when she does come she comes for 4-6 weeks at a time, once or twice a year and all that time is spent staying with us.

She has literally managed to offend/piss me off near enough everytime she has come in the past decade and the thought of her coming when this baby is due in a couple months literally makes my heart palpitate.

A few examples of what I mean....

1. She said that my DD2 (her biological grandchild) was "more beautiful" than my DD1 (my daughter from previous relationship).

1. Has been caught by DD1 snooping in my room going through my personal letters. When Hubby confronted her about it WW3 kicked off with her calling my child a liar. Why would she? And I know she did it cause I've caught her reading one of my letters before. Hence why I moved them to my bedroom.

1. My mum Bathed my DS when he was a baby while MIL was there and gave DS to MIL to dry and get dressed, MIL puts DS right back in Bath Insinuating my mum didn't do it properly. The cheek!

1. Would pull my DS from my arms when he was a newborn, literally would race me to him to do everything, then had the cheek and gall to say one day I wasn't looking after him properly. She wouldn't give me the bleeding chance!

1. When she finally decided to give my Son back one day, and he smiled continuously at me, she looked at us both in dismay and said "wow, after all I do for you, you only smile at your mum?" Ummmm yeah he spent 9 months attached to me from the inside is it any surprise he responds positively to my voice?

1. My DH got a tattoo while she was here, bearing in mind I met him with tattoos prior to us being together. She flipped when she saw his new tat and said "I don't know who's making you do these tattoos but you better stop" while looking DIRECTLY at me lol. As if I can tell a grown man what to do.

1. We are of ethnic minority and all of different complexions, my DH and DS are of a lighter skin tone and Myself and DD1 and DD2 or a darker tone, so is MIL. Every single time she comes she has something say about my kids complexions. My DS has gotten darker since he was born naturally, although he Is still light toned, on her last 2 visits she has said I'm not maintaining his colour??? (Whatever that is) and he's getting too dark like his sisters. As if she's not darker skinned herself!

1. Has walked in me and DH bedroom late at night without knocking and caught us having some oral sexual fun if you know what I mean lol (EMBARRASSING). I was mortified Lol.

I could literally sit here and type 50 more points of her ridiculous behaviour and statements and still have room for 50 more but you get the gist!

She doesn't listen if politely asked not to do something regarding my household or my children and does what she wants anyway cause she thinks she knows best. If one of the kids cry she believes they must be given calpol cause it must be pain, I've literally had to scream NO at her when she was inches away for DD2 mouth one time with a spoonful of calpol to get her to listen . Which made her sulk for 3 hours. Touches things you ask her not to and it drives me mad cause I'm a stay at home mum with the kids and DH works full time so I literally have to deal with her nonsense all day everyday by myself and the undermining for 6 weeks straight and I don't know how much more I can take. She just left in October last year and told my DD1 she will be back in the month I have my baby and I am really stressing about it.

My mum used to be a great listening ear and help me through the trips keeping me calm but I lost her suddenly last year and I think its adding to the stress I feel. DH steps in where he needs to with her antics, well tries to anyway but it's his mum and he doesn't see her often so I try to just cope where I can but I don't know how much more I can take tbh.

I just want to have this baby and at least settle with the baby for about 6 months before having to deal with her in any capacity and DH says he can't stop her coming but will try to speak to her about respecting our parenting and having boundaries and saying silly things.

AIBU to feel this way?

Sorry to hear about your mum op.

The visit is far too long and too soon. Can your husband have words and reduce it, and take some holidays?

I would be having words with your DH first and foremost about why she's coming to stay that long in the first place.

Secondly, I would forget about being polite to her and be firm in asserting my boundaries. If she comments on your childrens' skintone again for example, you need to be clear and firm in saying that you find such comments unacceptable and that if she wants to see her grandkids in future she needs to stop commenting on their skintone. DH needs to back you up!

@MarbleQueen

Sorry to hear about your mum op.

The visit is far too long and too soon. Can your husband have words and reduce it, and take some holidays?

Tbh when she books her trips she doesn't actually tell us until a week or 2 prior to her arrival when ticket is already booked, and doesn't tell us when she's leaving until a week is 2 prior to her leaving aswell. Her shortest trip has been 4 weeks. If you even ask when she's leaving she'll just ignore you or say soon. It gives me anxiety because I can never plan around her trips, I just know it will be excessively long and there's no discussion prior to even have the chance to talk to her about her reducing the length if her stay. Plus I think my DH would feel like he is disrespecting her if he did anyway

Firstly, you definitely can stop her and anyone else staying in your house if you don’t want them there. You and DP have complete and final day in that, probably more so you atm since you’re pregnant.

Secondly, she sounds wild, to be honest I’d be a bit pleased she caught up at it maybe she’d stop poking her nose around 😂😂.

I would tell her no, not yet, you need time to recover physically and mentally from childbirth.

Firstly

• sit down calmly once kids are in bed and get your DH on side and be explicit about how he can support you / what you need /what he needs to tell her in advance.
• do a full sweep of the house and hide all documents/finances in one of your wardrobes before she arrives.
• set clear boundaries and use toddler method. So when she wants to talk about children skin tone you literally say "stop that now. I don't like it. Change the subject and be pleasant". If she argues and carries on... say I said stop you haven't can you take yourself off while I finish dinner... Send her out of the room. Literally. Or take yourself and the kids and you leave.
• When she wants to pout and sulk ignore it completely tell her "you seen unhappy...go sit in X room and read and come back later when you are yourself again"
• be direct but neutral/factual
• establish alone time in your daily routine ie morning walks alone /with baby and leave her at home.
• make plans to visit friends at soft play or whatever and go solo.
• give her tasks that get her out of the house at a different time of day. Shop errands, taking older ones to after school hobby / whatever
• make your DH take her out 2 or 3 times for the day (shppping and lunch in town, cinema and dinner, Hampton Court Palace, whatever)

Good luck she sounds almost as awful as mine and she droves me to the brink after 2 weeks

Oh! Def keep it at 3-4 weeks not 6 weeks and get your husband to sort that out upfront.

Sorry to hear about your Mum.

You can tell her not to come. She won’t like it but tough. Your home, your children and your rules.

It’s not too late to enforce healthy boundaries. I’m used to dealing with close family members who constantly push boundaries. You say their plans do not work for you. End of. Rinse and repeat.

An overnight stay/weekend would be too much for me, let alone six weeks.

Your MH is more important, esp. when pregnant and after just giving birth.

The colourism comments need to stop. Does she makes this comments in earshot of the DC?

What does your DH think about her behaviour?
Have you discussed all of this with him?

What’s the alternative? - she continues to visit for far too long whilst stressing you out.

Treat her like a naughty 3 year old but instead of the naughty step send her to her room every time she upsets you. A minute for every year of her age.

So when she calls and says “I’m coming in a weeks time” you just reply and say “oh, sorry, we won’t be here, we’re away for 2 weeks. You’re welcome to check into a hotel and we’ll see you when we get back”

You don’t have to say where / how long for / now you’re getting there / blah blah

Just - you’re away (shrugs)

She sounds awful and doesn't respect any boundaries but as she doesn't tell you when she's coming, I don't know what you could do in fairness.

I would tell her she can't come in the house ...she can book a hotel. Your dh also needs to man up.

Do you have a spare room for her to stay in? (Without moving any of your children around in their rooms).
If not, your DH will have to tell her to book a hotel or sleep on the sofa.
Insist to DH that she can only visit during the day when he is around to entertain her.

Good luck OP.

Tell DH you're not dealing with the horrible woman and that he needs to book all the time she's staying with you off as holiday so he can deal with his own mother, that would quickly stop the 6 week visits.

How dare she just arrive in your home with no invite, insult your children and overstep all your boundaries.

Your husband is the problem here. He needs to bloody well stand up to his mother!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum OP, . Regarding MIL - you can't fix a woman like this. I know a few, they are unstoppable, and just when you think there is nothing more outrageously offensive they could do, they manage to find something. I certainly would NOT want to be dealing with this for six weeks.

I'm not sure I have an answer for you, except to fight back. You have to be just as stubborn as her. When she gives you her two weeks' notice of arrival, tell her no - she has to rebook the tickets for later in the year, because you have another house guest planned and no space. If she refuses to budge and DH cannot stop her (he needs to try a lot harder!!!) Then after she arrives on day 1 say, "you can only stay 2 weeks until (specific date). If you can't change your plane ticket you have to go to a hotel." Then each day you ask her at dinner when your DH is there, "have you rebooked your flight home? Have you booked the hotel instead then?" A week before she is due to leave, ask her to confirm the hotel details to you so you can book her a taxi to go there. If she hasnt booked it make her sit down with you and DH and book it. Six days before she is due to leave, tell her to give you all her laundry so that it will be done and dried ready for her to go to the hotel. Three days before she leaves book her a taxi to the hotel. Make sure you talk about it all the time and if she complains say, "yes it is a shame. If only you had rebooked your trip like we asked you to, you wouldnt be in this situation."

She is going to walk all over you forever, if you don't put your foot down.

There's no room with all the DC in the house and she is SO special to you you absolutely will not have her stay on anything but a fabulous mattress in her own room....so here are a list of some airb&bs 30 mins away.

I'd refuse to have her stay. Why is your DH allowing this?

Wow! This woman would not stay in my house after all those antics. Since she is being openly rude to you, call it out directly every time. She doesn’t worry about upsetting you, if she gets upset when you respond in kind -she can leave! Could she be booked in an air bnb?

Im really sorry about the loss of your mum. What a thing to deal with and bound to feel it even more with a new baby coming.

Is your Dad around? Can you go and stay with him?

I have no other useful suggestions. This woman sounds like she has the hide of a rhino and more front than Buckingham Palace. I'd just say, if while she's here you want to cry or scream at her- do so. Channel a bit of anger.

I know you're venting and won't actually do anything. But at the very least put a lockable door knob on hour bedroom door. Can lock it during the day and it can be locked from the inside when you're in there. Then you can have some private space to get away from her and stop her snooping.

Personally I'd be telling your husband you're tempted to stay elsewhere while she's there and he can deal with her. He also has to take a chunk of annual leave on top of his paternity.

Your DH needs to put his foot down.

Let her book her trips op.
She would absolutely not be staying in my house though.
Put your foot down. Your poor dd.

Your dh absolutely can stop her coming. Send an email:

Dear mil
We don’t want you to come
Thanks
Xoxo

Seriously though he needs to be on your side. Tell her she can’t stay with you and she should get a hotel; she’s not welcome and her comments are rude. If he wants to see her then he should be taking holiday to do so; not leaving it all to you to deal with.

God you poor thing, your dh needs to look after you better.

Discuss with Hubby and hope he agrees that 4-6 weeks is far too long to host, 3 weeks is plenty or book a hotel or Air BNB for her.

Don’t put up with her shit.