VERY stressed sbout MIL pending 6 week visit. HELP!!!

[Fedthehellup]

Really need to vent and I'm literally ripping my hair out! It's a long one so get comfy!

This is my 4th pregnancy. Oldest child from a previous relationship and other 2 and bundle I'm baking for my DH.
My MIL lives abroad so I don't have to put up with her very much but when she does come she comes for 4-6 weeks at a time, once or twice a year and all that time is spent staying with us.

She has literally managed to offend/piss me off near enough everytime she has come in the past decade and the thought of her coming when this baby is due in a couple months literally makes my heart palpitate.

A few examples of what I mean....

1. She said that my DD2 (her biological grandchild) was "more beautiful" than my DD1 (my daughter from previous relationship).

1. Has been caught by DD1 snooping in my room going through my personal letters. When Hubby confronted her about it WW3 kicked off with her calling my child a liar. Why would she? And I know she did it cause I've caught her reading one of my letters before. Hence why I moved them to my bedroom.

1. My mum Bathed my DS when he was a baby while MIL was there and gave DS to MIL to dry and get dressed, MIL puts DS right back in Bath Insinuating my mum didn't do it properly. The cheek!

1. Would pull my DS from my arms when he was a newborn, literally would race me to him to do everything, then had the cheek and gall to say one day I wasn't looking after him properly. She wouldn't give me the bleeding chance!

1. When she finally decided to give my Son back one day, and he smiled continuously at me, she looked at us both in dismay and said "wow, after all I do for you, you only smile at your mum?" Ummmm yeah he spent 9 months attached to me from the inside is it any surprise he responds positively to my voice?

1. My DH got a tattoo while she was here, bearing in mind I met him with tattoos prior to us being together. She flipped when she saw his new tat and said "I don't know who's making you do these tattoos but you better stop" while looking DIRECTLY at me lol. As if I can tell a grown man what to do.

1. We are of ethnic minority and all of different complexions, my DH and DS are of a lighter skin tone and Myself and DD1 and DD2 or a darker tone, so is MIL. Every single time she comes she has something say about my kids complexions. My DS has gotten darker since he was born naturally, although he Is still light toned, on her last 2 visits she has said I'm not maintaining his colour??? (Whatever that is) and he's getting too dark like his sisters. As if she's not darker skinned herself!

1. Has walked in me and DH bedroom late at night without knocking and caught us having some oral sexual fun if you know what I mean lol (EMBARRASSING). I was mortified Lol.

I could literally sit here and type 50 more points of her ridiculous behaviour and statements and still have room for 50 more but you get the gist!

She doesn't listen if politely asked not to do something regarding my household or my children and does what she wants anyway cause she thinks she knows best. If one of the kids cry she believes they must be given calpol cause it must be pain, I've literally had to scream NO at her when she was inches away for DD2 mouth one time with a spoonful of calpol to get her to listen . Which made her sulk for 3 hours. Touches things you ask her not to and it drives me mad cause I'm a stay at home mum with the kids and DH works full time so I literally have to deal with her nonsense all day everyday by myself and the undermining for 6 weeks straight and I don't know how much more I can take. She just left in October last year and told my DD1 she will be back in the month I have my baby and I am really stressing about it.

My mum used to be a great listening ear and help me through the trips keeping me calm but I lost her suddenly last year and I think its adding to the stress I feel. DH steps in where he needs to with her antics, well tries to anyway but it's his mum and he doesn't see her often so I try to just cope where I can but I don't know how much more I can take tbh.

I just want to have this baby and at least settle with the baby for about 6 months before having to deal with her in any capacity and DH says he can't stop her coming but will try to speak to her about respecting our parenting and having boundaries and saying silly things.

AIBU to feel this way?

Also feel like I could completely lose it and say things I won't be able to take back without my mum keeping me sane.

Fed - do it.
Not expressing all those things that you are holding back is part of the awful discomfort MiL imposes on you. Releasing them will be part of what keeps you sane.
Have a practice run by saying them to DH.
Tell him that you are concerned for your own mental health, that you can't understand how he can allow you to feel so miserable & anxious, & that he damn well needs to support & protect his own wife who is having his baby ffs.

PP have suggested the B&B option.
IS this actually an option? - is it affordable?
Because if it is, you might want to tell DH that if he allows his mother to trample on you again with her unscheduled & unwelcome visits, that you & the DC will be moving out to a B&B.

I don't think he appreciates that you are serious about this.
You need to help him see that you are.
Because he is appeasing his mother at your expense, & he needs to reverse that dynamic right now.

DH needs to step up and stop being such a wet lettuce Mummy's boy. He absolutely won't though, so if you're not willing to put your foot down, nothing will change.

@ChristmasPlanning

She stays in a hotel. She visits no longer than 10 days. Your DH must be off work to host her.

Boundaries are set now by DH re why the above instead of her usual visiting schedule. Also clear expectations are set by DH over her behaviour and attitude and that

If she books a flight and turns up it's on her as it doesn't work for your family.

All the above needs to come from DH

This

If you can’t stop her coming, you can stop her staying with you.

When she tells you she is coming in two weeks time, tell her it’s not convenient and she will have to book a hotel for her entire stay.

Or tell her you’ve just had a baby, she is not nice to your kids and you’ve had enough. She can stay at a hotel and your husband can pop round in the evening, but she will have to entertain herself, you do have children to look after.

If she kicks off tell her to cancel her flights, and not rebook them without talking to you. And when she does come it’s for a maximum of w weeks, and always to a hotel. I would not have that woman in my house. She can’t be trusted with the kids (calpol incident) and she’s being racist to them. And make sure she knows this is her fault as she can’t be nice.

No one needs to have someone so awful staying in their house, never mind for 6 weeks.

If you only had a couple of weeks notice then I think in the circumstances (bereavement and pregnancy) your DH needs to tell her she can't come. She can either reschedule to next year or stay in a hotel and meet outside the home or visit someone else. If he won't then tell him you will go ape every single time she says and does something and that will fundamentally break your relationship with MIL and your relationship with him. Up to him but you won't have your pregnancy and early weeks ruined. Unreasonable people rely on reasonable people accommodating their unreasonable behaviour.

Oh god, I couldn’t cope with that. I really hope she doesn’t come, sounds like a difficult situation.

You absolutely do not have to host anyone in your home if you don't want to. If she turns up at your door (would she expect to be picked up from the airport?) your DH will take her to a local hotel and she can stay there during her visit, and pay for it herself!

Regardless of how lovely the visitor might be 6 weeks is definitely too long to host anyone! I would not host my best friend or mum for 6 weeks.

My MIL came to 'help' me after DD was born. She was meant to stay for a week but I actually bought her new train tickets so she only stayed for 3 nights- which was plenty long enough! When my DP visited from abroad they only stayed for 3 days and stayed in an Airbnb because they didn't want to cause us extra hassle.

and practice screaming 'How dare you say that?', 'Say that again, I dare you', 'get out and take your weak son with you and don't come back' really loudly when he is in the house and tell him that is the least of it. Pregnancy, birth and hormonal changes are hard to handle at the best of times. Three DC on top and a house even more so.

Fedthehellup

Thanks for all of your responses. To be honest if me or DH told her not to come I honestly in my hearts of hearts know that she would anyway.“

What?
That’s unbelievable.

You tell her NOW she is not welcome to stay in your house. She turns up at the door you send her away....actually your DH sends her away. The longer it goes on, the worse it will get.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable at feeling this way. Do be clear with your husband how much this is stressing you already. He needs to have a boundaries discussion with his mother. I wouldn't have my own mother in my house for six weeks at a time, whether I was pregnant or not. Does she visit other relatives whilst she stays with you to give you some space? I would not agree to a long visit during pregnancy of someone who stressed me this much before they even arrive. Hope it works out for you.

Move and don't give her the new address

Sorry, I know that isn't helpful. I have an undermining MIL but luckily not on this scale, so I feel your pain

Honesty? Book yourself an hotel for you and the baby/kids and fuck off. Leave him to entertain her. He needs to tell her to fuck off.

She wouldn't be staying in my home with that behaviour.

Tell your DH to find her a room elsewhere and for a shorter period of time, as you will not be running around to collect her/return her or feed her.

You reap what you sow.

My advice is (while you still have time before her arrival) see if you can locate an AirBnB nearby and give the ultimatum (and I don't use this word lightly) to your DH that either she stays in the AirBnB or you will be there.
She can come to visit during the day but he must be there to look after her.
She can come to visit in the evening (though hopefully not on the same day as a day visit) and again, your DH must be there to look after her.

You don't want high blood pressure or anything making you anxious at this stage and this is giving you high blood pressure at the moment. I'd even go so far as to get my OB-Gyn on board with that one. You don't want to develop preeclampsia.

I'd even go so far as to keep notes of what she says to you if he's not around so that you can report back to him. If she asks why you're jotting stuff she says down, tell her "Oh DH doesn't believe me when I tell him you've said X or Y or Z so I'm just jotting it down so I can tell him. Oh, and he's said that if you ever comment on the colour of the skin of our children again, he's going to kick you out! Now, where did I leave my mug of tea?"

Practise saying (to him)
Tell her she's not coming. No! She is not coming!
If she's comes I'm leaving.

(to her)-
What did you just say? NEVER say that to my children again.
And-
Get out. Get out, get out, get out.
Still here? I'm calling the police, you're trespassing
And-
AND DON'T COME BACK!!
Well those are nice to imagine, you do need to sit down with your (useless wimp of a) husband and tell him that your children are heading for a lifetime of mental health issues if she is allowed to drip her poison, and it will be HIS fault. Then give him your thoughts of what you would accept ( eg 2 weeks when YOU say/she has to stay at B&b, / he has to take holiday and be there)
I think it would also be fair to say that this is her very last chance to behave, or you will never let her through the door again.

I've clicked YABU. If you and your husband continue to open the door to this woman you only have yourselves to blame. She has repeatedly demonstrated rudeness and disrespect to your and your family. Far beyond anything that could be forgiven. Not that she's apologised. Your choice to let her in.

I would send her a message. "Just making sure you're not planning to visit too soon after baby is born. As you don't usually tell us until you've booked I thought it best to let you know in advance we won't be accepting any guests until baby is 6 months old"

I personally, would also add "also, when you book your next visit, could you also book a local hotel as with 4 kids we no longer have the space for guests"

She's not nice to you or your kids so don't feel an obligation to be nice to her.

My initial post was quite mild as I’m usually harsh when it comes to narcissist family members stressing out pregnant and vulnerable people (you and your children) like this, but I’ve now read your update - she books her flights without discussing it with your first and tells you 1-2 weeks beforehand!!!

I agree with other PP who say not to let her in.
She’s sounds like a nasty piece of work and there’s no way I’d allow anyone like that to be around me or my kids.

I’ve technically banned family members from my home. I didn’t actually need to ban them; I just don’t invite them round and/or answer the door to the ones who have turned up unannounced (they didn’t do that more than twice).

Your DH is weak and is enabling her behaviour. This situation would cause major issues in my relationship and it would definitely be a hill I would be prepared to die on. You don’t hold back. You challenge her every single time. Say it as it is. She is welcome to sulk, just not in your home.

And over my dead body would I be moving out temporarily anywhere, not even for a weekend. The thought of having to pack and leave my home with three young kids and a newborn against my will would be stressful enough and wouldn’t even cross my mind as an option.

She can pay for her own hotel or Airbnb. It’s not your problem and she’s not your responsibility. Your DC are your responsibility, so protect those beautiful innocent kids.

Your DH needs to take time off to entertain her. You do not change your core daily routine to suit her. Your kids are your priority and are wholly dependent on you. She’s a grown woman who can look after herself. She’s awful to be around so you definitely do not have to entertain her if doing so negatively affects the mental health of your and your young DC.

If she does spend anytime with the kids, you need to be there to watch her like a hawk and check her every single time.

You and the kids do not see her again if she continues with the racist shit.

I'd honestly tell her now that no, she cannot come for the babys birth, so do not book a ticket as she will be turned away at the door if she doesn't accept your choice. Then stick to that if she does turn up!

Just checking in with 5 weeks to go and wondering if you've managed to get your MiL to change her travel plans yet @Fedthehellup???

You can't stop her coming over to the country but you can stop her from staying in your house. Especially with a newborn

I’m sorry about your Mum.

I lost a parent late last year and now cannot tolerate my ILs (who have always been a complete pain but I have previously managed to tolerate it). I think it is part of the bereavement process. Go easy on yourself.

Ah Love, I'm so sorry, that woman is a monster! I pray to God your DH will be firm with his M this time because you should never have had to endure that in the first place and even more so when you've just given birth to this baby you're carrying now. Please emphasise to him how much you really need him to be firm and tell her she cannot stay with you again because she is cruel to you AND your children. Yes, I said cruel because the things she is saying and doing are cruel. She has been abusing you, your children and your hospitality and it must not be allowed to happen again.
It seems you are a believer? If so, I'd advise praying every day to God to ask Him to soften her heart and shake up her conscience. Meanwhile I reiterate that you must get your DH to understand he has to tell her she can no longer stay with you and has to arrange other accommodation and only visit when he is there. Remind him that he is at work most of the time and her behaviour gets even worse when he is not around and you can't endure it anymore, nor should you have to! Your DCs certainly shouldn't have to endure the horrible things she says about them and to them! In fact, if she was my MIL, I'd be praying to God to rebuke her, she really is that bad!

Also think she needs to stay in an air BnB. You need space. She sounds awful, overbearing and a nightmare. You couldn't pay me to have mil stay with us for 6 weeks, and we get on.

Good luck, op. You're completely reasonable to want space from this woman.

@MrsWinters

Same!!

It's so not an easy decision to arrive at the path often worn with many painful inner wrangling, wrestling with all the variables but the bottom line. These people treat me like shit. I didn't marry for this.

It takes nothing to be civil and kind.

Op you can't stop her getting on the plane but you can stop her staying with you!