VERY stressed sbout MIL pending 6 week visit. HELP!!!

[Fedthehellup]

Really need to vent and I'm literally ripping my hair out! It's a long one so get comfy!

This is my 4th pregnancy. Oldest child from a previous relationship and other 2 and bundle I'm baking for my DH.
My MIL lives abroad so I don't have to put up with her very much but when she does come she comes for 4-6 weeks at a time, once or twice a year and all that time is spent staying with us.

She has literally managed to offend/piss me off near enough everytime she has come in the past decade and the thought of her coming when this baby is due in a couple months literally makes my heart palpitate.

A few examples of what I mean....

1. She said that my DD2 (her biological grandchild) was "more beautiful" than my DD1 (my daughter from previous relationship).

1. Has been caught by DD1 snooping in my room going through my personal letters. When Hubby confronted her about it WW3 kicked off with her calling my child a liar. Why would she? And I know she did it cause I've caught her reading one of my letters before. Hence why I moved them to my bedroom.

1. My mum Bathed my DS when he was a baby while MIL was there and gave DS to MIL to dry and get dressed, MIL puts DS right back in Bath Insinuating my mum didn't do it properly. The cheek!

1. Would pull my DS from my arms when he was a newborn, literally would race me to him to do everything, then had the cheek and gall to say one day I wasn't looking after him properly. She wouldn't give me the bleeding chance!

1. When she finally decided to give my Son back one day, and he smiled continuously at me, she looked at us both in dismay and said "wow, after all I do for you, you only smile at your mum?" Ummmm yeah he spent 9 months attached to me from the inside is it any surprise he responds positively to my voice?

1. My DH got a tattoo while she was here, bearing in mind I met him with tattoos prior to us being together. She flipped when she saw his new tat and said "I don't know who's making you do these tattoos but you better stop" while looking DIRECTLY at me lol. As if I can tell a grown man what to do.

1. We are of ethnic minority and all of different complexions, my DH and DS are of a lighter skin tone and Myself and DD1 and DD2 or a darker tone, so is MIL. Every single time she comes she has something say about my kids complexions. My DS has gotten darker since he was born naturally, although he Is still light toned, on her last 2 visits she has said I'm not maintaining his colour??? (Whatever that is) and he's getting too dark like his sisters. As if she's not darker skinned herself!

1. Has walked in me and DH bedroom late at night without knocking and caught us having some oral sexual fun if you know what I mean lol (EMBARRASSING). I was mortified Lol.

I could literally sit here and type 50 more points of her ridiculous behaviour and statements and still have room for 50 more but you get the gist!

She doesn't listen if politely asked not to do something regarding my household or my children and does what she wants anyway cause she thinks she knows best. If one of the kids cry she believes they must be given calpol cause it must be pain, I've literally had to scream NO at her when she was inches away for DD2 mouth one time with a spoonful of calpol to get her to listen . Which made her sulk for 3 hours. Touches things you ask her not to and it drives me mad cause I'm a stay at home mum with the kids and DH works full time so I literally have to deal with her nonsense all day everyday by myself and the undermining for 6 weeks straight and I don't know how much more I can take. She just left in October last year and told my DD1 she will be back in the month I have my baby and I am really stressing about it.

My mum used to be a great listening ear and help me through the trips keeping me calm but I lost her suddenly last year and I think its adding to the stress I feel. DH steps in where he needs to with her antics, well tries to anyway but it's his mum and he doesn't see her often so I try to just cope where I can but I don't know how much more I can take tbh.

I just want to have this baby and at least settle with the baby for about 6 months before having to deal with her in any capacity and DH says he can't stop her coming but will try to speak to her about respecting our parenting and having boundaries and saying silly things.

AIBU to feel this way?

So sorry about your mum!

No, you don't have to put up with that sort of treatment at all, ever. I wouldn't, and I don't (have a very similar soon to be ex-MIL). If your DH wants to see his mum, he will have to go to her. You can't let people who aren't nice to you stay in your home, and she should not assume that just because she is older she deserves automatic respect. Regardless of age, that is earned. You have already gone way over and beyond for putting up with her disrespect for this long, you need to put yourself and your family first.

Sorry about your mum. That's very hard.
Firstly get a lock on your bedroom door! And any other rooms you don't want mil going into.
Secondly, talk to your husband. If the visit is unavoidable then he needs to have your back.

It would be a no from me. No way. She can come but stay elsewhere, air b&b, whatever. She can come to the house for an afternoon but not every day and your husband can take her out with the children for activities on other days. This isn’t fair on you and you don’t have to accept this awful intrusion, especially with a newborn.

Thanks for all of your responses. To be honest if me or DH told her not to come I honestly in my hearts of hearts know that she would anyway. Like previously said before, she generally doesn't let us know when she's coming, literally a week or 2 prior if we're lucky we will be told she's arriving on a certain date with no departure date until a week or 2 prior to her leaving even when asked.

DH knows her behaviour is ridiculous and I've made no secret about how it makes me feel, he just apologises on her behalf and says he will speak to her, which when he does she's sulks about for some time and then nothing really changes.

The colourism has been done in front of the kids before. She literally asked why DD2 was so dark when she walked in the door on her last visit. DH dealt with that swiftly and told her not to say that and his child's colour is beautiful so don't start that rubbish she says sorry then 3 days later, when I'm in shower and DH is st work, she tells my girls they're too dark and when my son overhears and says he likes his sisters colour she tells him they're too dark. I had to spend the rest of the day reassuring all of them they're complexions are just fine and beautiful and God made them just the way they were supposed to be. Brought me to tears. My DH said he had a word with her about it and it won't happen again... yeah right.

I literally make sure all mail is kept hidden in my room and race to my front door any time I hear the postman when she's here lol.

I literally have no where to run to so feels like no alternative. Lost both my parents in the last 2 years and I'm an only child so just feel trapped when she's here. Literally keep telling myself it's only 6 weeks its not forever to get through it and convincing myself it's not so bad since she lives abroad and not in the country. I'm very scared about developing PND especially without the support of my mum and MILs overbearing nature. Also feel like I could completely lose it and say things I won't be able to take back without my mum keeping me sane.

Will talk to DH later when he gets home from work about the prospect of her staying in an air bnb or hotel. Not too sure how that will go tbh but worth a try. Definitely at a place of something has to give though

She stays in a hotel. She visits no longer than 10 days. Your DH must be off work to host her.

Boundaries are set now by DH re why the above instead of her usual visiting schedule. Also clear expectations are set by DH over her behaviour and attitude and that

If she books a flight and turns up it's on her as it doesn't work for your family.

All the above needs to come from DH

6 weeks is a long time
Couldn't handle six weeks of somebody lovely. My xmil was a demon for the ol' dig as well. Everything positive about DD, inherited from her. (long slim legs, ability to pick out a tune, you name it, all inherited from her). What did she get from me? Eczema!

I could have handled her better now looking back. I wish I'd said ''ouch'' a few times. Just that. As in well we both know that was a very sharp mean comment but I'm not going to give you the hurt reaction you want to prove to you that your opinion of me means shit'.

So if she's a beeeotch I recommend just saying ''ouch''.

Or, I'm sorry, I think I must have misheard you there, what did you say.

I would just tell her she's welcome to visit for a week or two but 6 weeks is ridiculous and she'll need to book a hotel far far the fuck away if she wants to stay longer.

What a malicious, horrible woman to wait until you are both out of the way to tell your girls their skin colour is too dark

It's hard enough for girls, especially BAME girls, growing up in a society with an extremely narrow and light skinned view of beauty. They do not need that reinforcing in their own home.

Honestly somebody so cruel should have no unsupervised access to your home and children. If not for you then for your beautiful girls who deserve a safe space in their own home, you put your foot down about her staying at all. She can visit when DH is there to watch her every move and pull her up on any single nasty comment.

As others have said, if you can't stop her coming, call out explicitly each and every inappropriate or mean comment.

Set up your bedroom and preferably least one other room with the children's toys with lock so you can have some time apart. And tell her why you are going there.

Set up lots of daytime outings and don't invite her. Just leave her bored at home with no special snacks or extra food. If she says she wants to come tell her that the way she acts and speaks is not acceptable or enjoyable for you so you'd rather she didn't come.

Say all of this in an assertive but calm and factual tone every time, backed up by concrete examples from a list that you will keep. Don't give her the satisfaction of being at the centre of a big drama.

So his mum comes to visit but he's working?? How is that even possible? It's his mum, not yours. Tell him he needs to book time off work otherwise she can't come. No way I'd be putting up with her crap, all on your ownsome.

Your dh has to step up now. You are his wife and already suffering with anxiety from the thought of her being here. At this point I would say to my dh you sort this out or I will be the one leaving with the kids. If he doesn't I would book a hotel/air b&b for the 6 weeks and not come home until she was gone. You should not have to do that as your dh should be telling his mum that she isn't coming then it doesn't work for your family and that she can come for 2 weeks max (or whatever you feel comfortable with).

I do understand the feeling that you simply can't STOP her from coming. Of course it's screwed up, but you're not going to fix all the complicated family relationships and issues in the next 5 minutes.

1. Your Dh needs to be 100% more on board. To start with, he absolutely cannot just work all day every day while she's here. He needs to be around. It is totally unfair for you to be left to entertain her. Also, he needs to jump in every single time she behaves badly. And if she sulks, so be it. Every time she sulks, he (and/or you) need to just tell her that the sulking is very childish and just ignore it.

1. Stop feeling like you have to be polite. If she says something to your children that is unacceptable, challenge her there and then. "MIL, how dare you comment on the children's skin colour like that. It's so rude and inappropriate. DC - I'm sorry nana is so rude to you, let's all just leave her in this room while we go do something else over here..."

1. Do not accommodate her in your plans. This one was the key differentiator for me with similar MIL issues. I felt that as she was a guest, I had to accommodate her, be flexible etc. Then I realised she had just turned dup without asking and for weeks at a time, so why? And DH, bless him, totally agreed with me. So if you always get a takeaway on Fridays, continue with this plan even if she hates takeaways. If you and the DC enjoying going to specific activities, off you go. If you usually have long baths at the end of the day, carry on. Do whatever you would do.

DH says he can't stop her coming

This is your problem. Because yes he can!

It is great that he sticks up for you but he needs to do more.

Talk to him AGAIN. I think you are right re danger of PND. This is the worst time for her to visit.

Sit down with your husband again and this time do not give up.

He is at work??? Not fair.

6 weeks???? Not fair.

In your house, in your face???? Not fair.

Be strong. Do not back down and help your husband to not back down?

Get him to think about the worst that can happen. He will cope.

Unless she’s coming from the actual moon that’s ways too long!! It’s 12 weeks a year/ a week a month. Is your mum allowed to move in for a week a month?

Your DH needs to step up here with some boundaries and cut visits to 3 week absolute max, ideally 2

Really sorry OP, just read your post re losing your mum, didn’t mean to be insensitive

Hotel or Airbnb that she pays for. Your problem is your dh being a wuss and not telling her where to go.

Your DH needs to step in and sort this out:

1. when she comes - you choose what works for you and the new baby
2. how long she stays for

He doesn't need to give reasons he just needs to have strong will power and repeat and repeat it again until she understands that you mean it.

Perhaps you could move out to a b&b. Don't tell anyone the location!

Honestly OP, why are you having more children with a man who doesn't have your back?

If he did, his mother would not be staying with you.

His priority is his mother.

Not you.
Not your children.

If you were his priority, she would not be treating you with such disrespect.

She won't tell you when she is coming or for how long?

He allows this.
You allow him and his mother to treat you like this.

He is not a good man.

Good men don't allow this to happen.

Weak men who are mummy's boys do.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother last year.

This makes this even worse.

He is a disgrace to allow you be so stressed and upset over his awful mother.

Don't ask him can she go to an airbnb, TELL HIM.

Tell him to leave with her if he wants.

He is a loser.
Only a waster and a loser would allow his wife to be upset like this.

Please stand up for yourself.

Just stop seeing the toxic cow !!

My OH won’t tell his parents to behave so I’ve banned them from the house. They are outrageously rude to me, and he won’t call them on it so they are no longer welcome. He knows that if he wants them here again then they have to behave- he isn’t prepared to have that conversation so they aren’t allowed in the house anymore.
I won’t have people being hostile and rude to me in my home, and I don’t think you should have to put up with it either.

In your position I would insist that dh books a couple of weeks leave over the time, and I’d go out on my own with baby some of those days, and expect him to take his mum out for the whole day on others.

I’d also book yourself and the kids a long weekend in an air bnb in the middle and say «sorry but this was booked before you told us you were coming» and leave dh and his mum at home.

And I would absolutely insist on a fixed timescale of no more than 4 weeks, communicated in advance before she travels «so that we don’t accidentally book other people into the spare room»

DH says he can't stop her coming
Of course he can. he opens his mouth & says "mum, we're not having visitors until X weeks after Fed has given birth."

I've literally had to scream NO at her
Well done.
It worked, didn't it? 3 hours of her sulking about it was well worth the price.
I think you need to scream NO at DH about this visit too.
Currently, he defends you a bit, but it's all too little too late.
He defers to his mother's wishes above yours because she is prepared to bulldoze & make him feel bad if he does not comply.
So you need to firstly just ask for what you want - clear space to have your baby, as much private recovery time as you want.
If he doesn't agree, you need to go as nuclear as his mother would.

There is only one person in your family pushing a human out of their body, & SHE is the one who needs to be heard. Get loud. Get heard.
MiL can come for 2 weeks, when YOU are ready.
It's not unreasonable.
What is unreasonable is being invaded for 6 weeks when you are having a baby, not being heard in your own home, & having your mental health & general comfort compromised by an unpleasant woman who you have to 'manage' all day while DH is blissfully out of the way at work.

Your MIL is a nasty, childish, manipulative narcissist with zero boundaries. Newsflash: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS!

After extensive therapy, I came to realise I didn't have to put up with disrespect in my own home, ever. With the result that one family member is on a permanent ban, after numerous warnings.