Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

MIL not coming to funeral

58 replies

Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 17:47

Its my dads funeral tomorrow MIL has announced to DH today shes not coming
,even though shes said the whole time she is attending.
This is the second parent I've lost in a year and I've had all the spiel about wanting to support me but apparently now she just doesnt want to.
She knew DF well but if she hadn't made the initial offer I wouldnt of said anything but I'm slightly hurt and annoyed that shes now not coming at the last minute.
Aibu ?

OP posts:

LawnFever · 13/02/2022 17:48

Sorry for your loss.

That does sound very unsupportive of her, has she said why she can’t come now?

Original poster

Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 17:52

@LawnFever DH has said she didnt give one. I've no idea , even more miffed that shes gone through DH and not told me herself

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/02/2022 17:58

Tell her that's fine. You won't be putting yourself out when her time comes...
That day you will be washing your hair /car /dog....

yoyo1234 · 13/02/2022 18:01

sorry for your loss. Hope you have support from other family tomorrow.

LeaveYourHatOn · 13/02/2022 18:07

I’m really sorry for your loss OP.
In the nicest possible way, it’s up to your MIL if she wants or needs to go to your father’s funeral. It’s a very personal decision and will most probably have nothing to do with you (unless there is some back story we don’t know about).

SeasonFinale · 13/02/2022 18:07

Sorry for your loss. However there must be a reason even if she hasn't said what that may be.

Original poster

Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 18:11

As far as I'm aware theres not ,no back story everything is fine on that level. @LeaveYourHatOn I agree it is which is why I wouldn't of asked ,but then I wouldnt of made a big thing of coming only to decide the day before I didnt fancy it.
I've grilled DH and hes said she just said she didnt fancy going.

OP posts:

roastingmichael · 13/02/2022 18:13

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

My in laws didn't come to my parent's funeral and there was no expectation that they would.

I get that your MIL has said she would then changed her mind but even so, I'm not sure I'd be particularly bothered.

Is there a backstory? I think just let it go, really it's not that important if she's there.

Shmithecat2 · 13/02/2022 18:14

With kindness, YABU. No one should feel obliged to attend a funeral.

balalake · 13/02/2022 18:16

Sorry for your loss. Seems poor to decline only the day before.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/02/2022 18:17

@LeaveYourHatOn

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. In the nicest possible way, it’s up to your MIL if she wants or needs to go to your father’s funeral. It’s a very personal decision and will most probably have nothing to do with you (unless there is some back story we don’t know about).

I’m afraid I don’t agree with this. Funerals are for the living, not the dead and they are most particularly for those who were closest to the deceased. You go to a funeral to support family and friends who are experiencing loss, to show them that they are not alone in their grief. I think, if the MiL can no longer attend she should explain to OP herself why not and that it should be a pretty compelling reason. Otherwise she is sending a clear ‘don’t care that much about you’ signal. Nobody likes funerals. You go to show love to the living,

LorelaiDeservedBetter · 13/02/2022 18:17

Sorry for your loss
I lost a parent a few months ago and my ILs didn't come. I was a bit surprised because they knew each other and my parents had attended ILs' family funerals. But it didn't bother me. It bothered DH more. I think he felt unsupported and thought it reflected badly on his family.
It may be your MIL thought it would have been expected of her to come but then realised she didn't want to attend. It might be she's worried about Covid. There could be lots of reasons, or none, try to put it out of your head. Everyone who needs to be there, will be.

Darbs76 · 13/02/2022 18:18

I’d try not to judge, it could be for a reason you don’t know about, anxiety about her own death for example. Funerals are incredibly tough and yes she should be there for you

Bywayofanupdate · 13/02/2022 18:19

I'm so sorry for your loss

AlDanvers · 13/02/2022 18:19

I would guess there is a reason that either dh or her aren't saying.

Its really unusual for someone to say they are not attending a funeral at last minute, without attempting to give a reason.

If she genuinely just doesn't fancy it (who ever does) and not coming, I don't think she is the sort of person that would give good support anyway.

I am sorry for your loss

Carriemac · 13/02/2022 18:21

I'm sorry for your loss . That's really unsupportive of you MIL and I'd be hurt in your position .

Darbs76 · 13/02/2022 18:21

Should add my brothers ex wife and ex in-laws all came to my dad’s funeral. Which can’t have been easy as first time his ex wife and new wife met, and first time of course the ex in-laws met her. Very good of them to come

Original poster

Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 18:22

Like I've said I totally get people arent obliged to come. I'm just a bit miffed that all of a sudden she isnt coming and hasnt rang me to say shes not. Really hurt that shes passed a message on basically saying nah I dont fancy it like it's an invitation to dinner or something.

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 13/02/2022 18:35

@LeaveYourHatOn

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. In the nicest possible way, it’s up to your MIL if she wants or needs to go to your father’s funeral. It’s a very personal decision and will most probably have nothing to do with you (unless there is some back story we don’t know about).

I'm sorry but that's crap. You go to a funeral to pay your respects to the dead and/or show your support for those left behind. It's her DIL's father. Her DIL is someone in her close family.

Kite22 · 13/02/2022 18:43

It's not crap sillysmiles. It is spot on.

People feel differently about funerals. There is no obligation for OP's MiL to attend.
My in laws didn't come to either of my parents' funerals.

Nor is it the norm to phone / message people to say "Oh, I'm not coming". I've not been to funerals of loads of people that I was sorry to hear had died, but I have never messaged anyone to say "I am not coming to the funeral'

BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 18:43

That is fairly shocking to be honest. If you did that here it would be seen as just awful unless she is ill or afraid of getting covid or does it bring back memories of someone close that passed away and she just is freaked out by funerals. Just try to forget about her and focus on yourself and trying to get through the funeral as best you can. My dad passed away few months ago and barely slept or ate the week before and was dreading the funeral but someone got through it and gave him a good send off. Weird been in mass though as not a mass goer but forced to go when young. Felt so uncomfortable in the church and nearly had a panic attack. Those family closest to you will get you all through it. Don't let your mil get between you and your husband as you cannot change her and only how you handle things. I am soo sorry you are going though this and please look after yourself as next few days will be very hard and take time after to just relax as the exhaustion will hit you then.

Original poster

Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 18:49

@BOOTS52 sorry to hear of your experience glad you managed to get through it. To answer the question no shes not got any issues like that goes out to bingo,shops etc with out buses, came to my mums funeral without any fuss.
@Kite22 nope you dont need to go if you dont want to but saying she asked to come(wasnt formally invited) and now isnt I do feel slight aggrieved!

OP posts:

Yuckypretty · 13/02/2022 18:52

What does your DH think about it? Why didn't he ask her for a reason?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with @GetOffTheTableMabel

SirChenjins · 13/02/2022 18:53

That’s pretty low of her. Whilst no-one is obliged to attend a funeral, when it’s someone close to your family then it’s about offering support imo. Not on to just say ‘I don’t fancy it’ without giving a reason - let’s face it, none of us want to go to a funeral.

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 13/02/2022 18:56

What a difficult time you're having.

I'm surprised that your MiL doesn't have the obvious courtesy to tell you herself that she won't be attending. It would have to be a very difficult set of circumstances that they didn't want to share that would make most people do something quite that discourteous at such short notice.

I hope that the service brings you some peace.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread