Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL not coming to funeral

58 replies

Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 17:47

Its my dads funeral tomorrow MIL has announced to DH today shes not coming
,even though shes said the whole time she is attending.
This is the second parent I've lost in a year and I've had all the spiel about wanting to support me but apparently now she just doesnt want to.
She knew DF well but if she hadn't made the initial offer I wouldnt of said anything but I'm slightly hurt and annoyed that shes now not coming at the last minute.
Aibu ?

OP posts:
Pamlar · 13/02/2022 19:04

Sorry for your losses. How terrible for you. It must be devastating.
Don't bother trying to work out why mil changed her mind. She behaved poorly and you now know not to make a huge effort for her in the future...

TheCanyon · 13/02/2022 19:06

My paternal gran decided she wasn't coming to my maternal grandad or grans funeral, as the bingo was on. She also left her son in laws funeral early to go to bingo. She knew these people 30/40 years. I'm sure folks will only be attending here to make sure she's actually dead.

ListeningButNotHearing · 13/02/2022 19:07

She sounds extremely shallow/lacking in emotional intelligence.

So sorry for your loss x

LadyEloise1 · 13/02/2022 19:09

I'm in Ireland and it would be the norm for inlaws to attend funerals.
I'd be gobsmacked if my inlaws didn't attend my parents funerals.

toomuchlaundry · 13/02/2022 19:12

Has she lost someone recently, so maybe can't face the funeral after thinking she could.

I didn't go to DH's gran's funeral as it was only a few months after my DF had died and I know I would have been a mess and mourning the wrong person.

drpet49 · 13/02/2022 19:12

** My in laws didn't come to my parent's funeral and there was no expectation that they would.

I get that your MIL has said she would then changed her mind but even so, I'm not sure I'd be particularly bothered.**

^Me too. Your DH will be with you, why do you need your MIL too?

Berengaria1 · 13/02/2022 19:20

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was really shocked when my brother in law and his wife didn't come to my mum's funeral. They regularly turn out for members of the Rotary Club and the Golf Club.
They didn't know her well but had met her. I've never forgotten it.

Original poster
Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 19:24

Thanks for your feedback everyone. Like I've said I would understand if there were circumstances that would bring trauma or fear of illness but theres not.
I know if I refused to go to DH family members funerals I would be badly thought of. I tend to think people will react the way I would i.e unless something major cropped up I wouldnt not attend a funeral I had asked to attend to show support. Guess everyone is different .

OP posts:
Original poster
Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 19:26

@TheCanyon she sounds like a treat !!!

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 19:28

Just let it go until after the funeral but there will be a time when she will need you to be there for her and you just tell her calmly but straight out that no you never supported me by coming to your dad's funeral. I think it is shocking of her to be honest as very disrespectful to you and your own family. She should want to be there for you but she has shown her true character. Hope you have support and you will get through it all in a haze but be kind to yourself after as that is the hardest as no one understands unless been through a bereavement yourself and people tend to avoid you. Hope you are ok and so sorry for your loss.

Butchyrestingface · 13/02/2022 19:31

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers. On the face of it, I think it sounds really shitty and puzzling behaviour on her part.

What's she like more generally? Kind, supportive? Do you get on well?

BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 19:34

Berengaria that is awful, they should have been there to show their face and support as it means an awful lot when you lose someone close just that they turn up even if you only see them for a split second. It doesn't matter if they did not know your mum but it is for support and love and caring for you. They went to that other funeral with golf club as all for show, sound like a pair of showy off narcissists. Hope you are ok as know how difficult it is especially the first year and even over the years the loss never goes away as miss my mum soo much. Be kind to yourself as grief is very hard and up and down but there will be a time you can think of your lovely mum and laugh/cry at the funny times you had together. Sounds mad but I would give my right arm to have my mum for a day. Only person in the world who never judged me, we were so close like sisters and we just got each other. Wishing you well and don't bother with them as they sound vile.

Original poster
Safeashouses73 · 13/02/2022 19:35

@Butchyrestingface yeah we get on fine.See each other regularly and never been any issues , probably why I'm even more miffed.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 19:38

She has not told you herself as she knows she should be going to give you support so hasn't got the guts. Just look after yourself as next few days will be so hard xx

sadpapercourtesan · 13/02/2022 19:40

I think it's really bad that she said she was coming and has changed her mind so close to the event. I would find that hurtful.

I do think some older people reach a point where they feel they have been to enough funerals, and only attend the ones they really can't get out of. But in this case your MIL had committed to going, so she should go.

BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 19:40

Unless she has some medical thing like incontinence or something and worried about been in church or funeral home and not near a toilet. If it does seem out of character then maybe she feels embarrassed telling her son if she is a lot older. Would you feel comfortable picking up the phone to talk to her and asking her is she okay and is there any reason she is not coming as she could go with you all.

Georgyporky · 13/02/2022 19:42

@Berengaria1

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was really shocked when my brother in law and his wife didn't come to my mum's funeral. They regularly turn out for members of the Rotary Club and the Golf Club. They didn't know her well but had met her. I've never forgotten it.
Rather a remote connection? Why would they attend for someone they'd met briefly?
Georgyporky · 13/02/2022 19:50

I think there's a balancing act between funerals for the living or the dead.
I refused to attend my previous MIL's funeral because she was a very nasty, selfish bitch & had treated me - & her own DGC - appallingly.

If it had been the funeral (Tibetan ?)where the body is crushed & left for scavengers, I'd have happily joined in.

KatherineJaneway · 13/02/2022 19:53

I'd let it go but I'd tell her that her lack of support is upsetting. I'd never forget it though, one day she will need you and maybe you will not be there.

MindyStClaire · 13/02/2022 19:56

YANBU at all, that's very bad form.

Foolsrule · 13/02/2022 19:56

Not very nice of her! My paternal grandparents came to my maternal grandparents’ funerals. They wanted to support my mum. That’s what families do.

MusicByTheLake · 13/02/2022 20:02

As it’s sounds out of character for her, I would be thinking there must be something she isn’t telling you, maybe because she thinks you have enough to cope with at the moment.

Sorry for your loss.

saltedcaramelanything · 13/02/2022 20:06

Sorry for your loss.

I would be really hurt by this too. To be honest, even if they'd never met - Unless there was a long travel distance - I'd still expect my in-laws to come to my DM\DF funeral, to be there in support of me.

BOOTS52 · 13/02/2022 20:10

Georgyporky... going to the funeral is respectful to show support for her daughter in law and her husband. Also the lady who asked the question has just lost her dad and your other comment seems a bit off and I would find it upsetting to read if had my parent's funeral tomorrow. A bit of empathy goes a long way.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 13/02/2022 20:13

The comment about, 'not fancying it,' would probably put me into the stratosphere.

It's not as if anyone ever wants to go to a funeral, but it's about supporting the family who are left.

DH recently went to a funeral of a colleague who was told by the family that all of the work colleagues would be in sitting in the front. DH told me that he wasn't comfortable with this, but I reminded him that he was there for the family.

I think you are being really understanding seeing that it's your dad's funeral tomorrow.

Do whatever you need to do to get through it. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread